I was listening to a popular radio psych host, she indicated you should not confess when you have an affair or one night stand. She said that it lets the person having the affair off the hook etc.etc

Just wondered why everyone here feels you should tell all...........

Who was it? Dr. Laura?

Ashamed:

People here believe in telling because they generally are pro-marriage. If you cheat, and you don't care one way or the other which way your marriage goes, then it doesn't really make any difference whether you tell or not. But if you care about keeping your marriage together, telling can be very positive, in the long run. Here are just a few reasons why, off the top of my head:

1) Your spouse may find out on his/her own, and then you're in a world of hurt compared to revealing the affair yourself.

2) Revealing the affair yourself shows your spouse that you're willing to start working on the M, and that you're willing to be radically honest, even about things that hurt emotionally.

3) Telling your spouse can relieve some of the shame and guilt associated with the lies, deception and infidelity.

4) Telling your spouse will help you stop the A, because it enlists his/her help in resetting the boundaries of your M.

5) Your spouse has a right to know that you've endangered his or her health.

3XL

I am not sure what I think. However, just because you may choose to not inform your spouse of a huge mistake, does not make you anti-marriage does it? The host was Joy Brown. She says that admitting an affair only serves to help the person who had the affair. It puts the burden on the person that did nothing wrong. In particular, they are asked to foirgive. She does not advocate affairs. However, I beleive she feels a huge burden is left with the person that strayed, if they do not confess. The goal being to change the person who has strayed to never do it again. She feels that confessing can do a lot of harm. Do you really beleive confessing indicates you want to work on the marriage? Or does it just relieve the guilt of the wayward spouse. I do agree that if a person is dumb enough to have unprotected sex.......they need to inform there spouse of this or not have sex until they have been tested for diseases (which to be accurate could be three months for HIV). I only pose this question, as most people beliee you have to tell, so this is a little different.

I have not strayed myself into a PA, but have struggled with the fact I talk online to someone that I previously had a sexual relationship with when single.

I think that maybe you should ask yourself the question how you would feel if your husband continued to go online and talk with someone he had a previous sexual relationship with? If you have nothing to hide then you should communicate this with your husband. How do you think affairs begin? Would you feel comfortable having your husband doing this also?

I guess it depends on the person... my H had the A, and our M was falling apart!!! When he told me about it, yes, it lifted some of the guilt he was feeling... but it also gave us the opportunity to fix our M!!! Had he not told me... I have no doubt that our M would have ended by now...(his guilt was making him a very crabby person) instead we now have a great relationship!!! So, IMHO, keeping an A to ones self will only cause more problems... unless the person having the A has no conscious...

Again, JMHO.
-mcnyh

Another problem with advocating not telling is that it falsely assumes that the marriage will not be affected. Nothing can be further from the truth. Many BS's notice a change in their WS's behavior and know that something is not right. The WS's behavior is usually far from being kind towards the BS and often borders on emotionally abusive. Initially, the BS is at a loss to explain what is happening with the WS, that is until s/he starts to investigate more deeplyr and eventually discovers the reason why the WS is acting the way s/he is acting. Even if the WS has ended the A for some time, his/her behavior has been forever changed by the experience and the BS and the children become the unlucky recipients of this change in behavior.

One time during MC I told my W I wish she had told me about the A, instead of me having to find out about it myself. She said she did not tell me because she was afraid I would leave her (which bothered me right there, if she did not want me to leave her, why have the A?)

Anyway, our MC said yes, the BS may decide they don't want to be with someone who would have an A. But, MC said, shouldn't that be their decision and not the WS's?

To add to what our MC said, I firmly believe people who get away with it once are much more likely to have another affair.
Michael
Me 40
FWW 39
M 19
Two S's
A began Jan 01
D Day Jun 01
In MC, IC

I understand it is politically correct to confess among other things. I just wonder how frequently this happens. Is marraige and monogamy almost a losing battle? How many happy marriages have spouses that had an affair or one night stand? We all get married hoping that we will spend the rest of our lives happy with our spouse. The expectation that one person can fulfill us may be opptimistic. I am not saying it is right to have an affair but maybe it is totally unrealistic to think that one will never think of straying. I talk to so many people, and the all seem willing to cheat on there spouse and the act like it wouldn't bother them. In a way I am happy I know I wouuld suffer major guilt if I acted on any desires. However, I wish I never had the desire to begin with.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ashamedca:
<strong>I understand it is politically correct to confess among other things. I just wonder how frequently this happens. Is marraige and monogamy almost a losing battle? How many happy marriages have spouses that had an affair or one night stand? We all get married hoping that we will spend the rest of our lives happy with our spouse. The expectation that one person can fulfill us may be opptimistic. I am not saying it is right to have an affair but maybe it is totally unrealistic to think that one will never think of straying. I talk to so many people, and the all seem willing to cheat on there spouse and the act like it wouldn't bother them. In a way I am happy I know I wouuld suffer major guilt if I acted on any desires. However, I wish I never had the desire to begin with.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Unfortunately the vast majority of first marriage couples are so ignorant of what marriage is all about that, in a way, they do set themselves up for a hard fall when they realize that their expectations do not match reality. It's too bad that individuals wanting to get married are not required to attend classes on how to care for their marriages and how to resolve marital problems before they become crisis. It wouldn't be a marital panacea but it would positively impact a great number of marriages.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I am not saying it is right to have an affair but maybe it is totally unrealistic to think that one will never think of straying. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Not just "maybe", it is unrealistic to expect that you won't ever think of cheating on your spouse. If you haven't read it yet, the "Monogamy Myth" by Peggy Vaughn is quite enlightening on this issue. I think what gives a person character on this issue is how they decide to deal with the thoughts.

Coffeeman makes a good point about couples not having any idea of what marriage is all about, but I'd say it's not just restricted to first marriages. Just look at the divorce rate for second and third marriages - about 10% higher, or 60% - and it looks like some people never learn their lessons. I'd just love to see a study of the reasons people give for divorcing their spouse and a comparison of 1st 2nd and 3rd marriages. I'd predict that the reasons never change. If someone knows of such a study, please point me in that direction.