My husband told me recently that he had been sexually abused as a child. He did not have the "perfect" childhood anyway, and on learning this news, I have got to say I admire my husband tremendously for being the person that he is today.

We have had problems in the past when it came to our sex life. I am always the one who is "chasing" him, instead of the other way around. I have alway felt as if he wasn't attracted to me even though he has always told me that it wasn't me. When he finally told me about the sexual abuse, he told me that that was a lot of his problem. He said that he feels nasty and that he doesn't like to be touched.

I can understand these feelings. I feel awful that he had to go through those things as a child.

My question is: How do I handle this? I want to be supportive and give him all the time that he needs, but what about my needs? How do I express my need for him without being to selfish?

If anyone has any input, I would be greatly appreciative.

Thank you!

You H needs the services of a professional in order to overcome his childhood trauma.

You will have to decide whether you can live without your H being able to fulfill your needs until he recovers. If not, then you will have to move on with your life.

TMCM
If I am reading seperate standards here that don't exist, please accept my humble appology, but. Having read many of your posts and seeing that you are so thoughtful in your advice I am dismayed at your response here. You have always encourage women who were abused and thier spouses to work together to overcome the problem. But now it is a man that was abused and your cut and dried response seems to be the typical reaction. Professional help, live with it until he recovers, or leave him.

Is his gender so degraded that he is not worthy of the same toughtful response and encouragement you give when it is a female victim? Where is the encouragement for her to help him work through the problem. Does being a male imply that he needs to suck it up and get on with life, get professional help or do this on his own?

This man is not alone in his pain, and speaking of the abuse is doubbly degrading to him. Women can be expected to be victimized this way but a man is the agressive animal who is also instinctualy defensive. He is expected to boast about his conquests, never be the concoured(sp).
Unlike the female, who everyone rushes to help he becomes the laughing stock of his gender.
Is this not reason enough not to come foreward and ask for help? Where can he turn to for understanding and support when boards like this seemingly show no empathy for his issues? It only serves to reinforce his insecurities.

With all your experience and compassion do you have none to share with this man and the woman who obviously loves her husband and wants to help him recover the same as ladies like Way2s husband does?

Again I appologize if I am mistaken in my understanding of your post, I wish only the best for the people who come here for help.

Agape. fudd.

Error.

<small>[ May 12, 2003, 10:06 PM: Message edited by: stillwed ]</small>

My husband's childhood traumas do not include sexual abuse, but he was very neglected. He is finding help in a book written by Karla Mclaren called Rebuilding the Garden .

A skilled therapist could offer a great deal of hope also. IMHO this isn't a job for the pastor of a church, well meaning friend, etc.

I'm sorry for the pain in your relationship. I am a survivor of sexual abuse also and it's a tough thing to deal with. Mine was a one time abuse by my father so it's been easier to find my way out than if it had been repeated over and over. I did have one other one time abuse by a male relative.

Blessings,

Stillwed

fudd

I apologize for not being more elaborate with my response to trgmc when I told her

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"If not, then you will have to move on with your life."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Of course I wish she will support him in helping him recover from the trauma of his childhood sexual abuse BUT if you read carefully, she ends her post with:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"How do I handle this? I want to be supportive and give him all the time that he needs, but what about my needs? How do I express my need for him without being to selfish"</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I hope I'm mistaken here but I'm afraid that she seems more worried about how her SF needs are going to be met by him. It's almost identical to a H that is still worried how his W is going to meet his SF needs with the knowledge that she has been sexually abused. Most folks here would be horrified and would rightly point this out to him. It smacks of extreme selfishness and even though the sick spouse may suffer if the SF deprived spouse leaves him/her, it is better than to wait for said spouse to enter into an A.

I'm sorry but when a spouse is sick, mentally, emotionally or physically, the last thing on the other spouse's mind should be how the sick spouse is going to meet his/her SF needs.

<small>[ May 12, 2003, 11:19 PM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

I have to agree with the TMCM's post.

Though in defence of trgmc, ignorance to the enormity of the self torture surviving non- survivors of sexual abuse tend to submit themselves to is not that uncommon.

trgmc ...Your husband requires professional help. It may also be of an advantage to your marriage now that you also seek some form of IC.
I have no doubt you love your husband and you are finding the circumstance you are in as personally frustrating. I can assure you it is tearing your husband apart.

try and place your needs on the backburner for now, help your husband find his solace through love, understanding and patience.

You now have the whys to your husbands problems... now find the means to help heal them.

Men are less likey to pro-activley seek councelling in the aftermath of sexual abuse suffered as a child. Reach out to him, let him know you are there to walk the path with him.

I wish you both well

Dino

I'd have to 2nd a lot of the opinions already expressed. It took a lot of courage for your H to tell you his secret--is your marraige only about sex? Is it only about you? No, honey, it isn't.

Imagine this: Your spouse wasn't abused and everything seems hunky dory in your married life. But--next week, you are brutally raped. Mmmm...would you want your H to put his sexual needs aside so that you have time to heal? What would you think about him posting to a board to ask how he can express his need for sex without being "too" selfish?

I'm sure you hadn't looked at it this way--sorry to be so blunt. The best way to get your sex life into gear is to love your H and accept him. Get him into counseling--his revelation may be a cry for you to help him make this transition. The fact that he told you is a good sign--he trusts you--and he's seems ready to face the ogre.

God Bless.