Thanks for the repies. I do have SAA and HN/HN. We have a joint appt. with Steve tomorrow. I faxed him this letter and told him I would ask during the appt if I should give it to her. Here it is

WS,
We have talked about this analytically and you greed that the best person for you to fall in love with would be I. Best for the kids and more importantly best for your own long term happiness. No matter how much time you and someone else spend together and no matter how close you two get, we would always have been closer because of all the time and all the things we’ve been through together. Also, we would have continued to have built on that during all the time you choose to be in love with someone else.

We both know that we are compatible and that love is not unconditional. You could choose to fall in love with me any time you want based on the things I am doing now but wasn’t before.

I believe the reason you will not allow yourself to fall in love with me now is that you don’t believe what you see will last and that I will hurt you again. Also, once you make up your mind about something you don’t like to change it back.

I know that I can’t prove I won’t change back but I ask you to look at my history for a clue. Whenever I don’t know something that I need to know I have always researched it, found the answers and, used that knowledge from then on. I know I was late looking for the answers but you gave me no input that there was a problem to fix.

I didn’t know how to keep you in love with me, so you didn’t. I have researched and acquired that knowledge, am now using it and, will continue to use it.

What else might lead you to believe that I know what I have lost and hope to regain? Why will I continue to act the way I do now and not change back? How do you know that these changes are real?

To answer these I want you to, imagine the old me, before I did the research. How would I have reacted to knowing for a fact that you were having an affair? Would I have been able to do for you the way I have for these past three weeks? Making no demands and trying to fulfill your needs while getting nothing in return. Would I have even been able to function, let alone work, take care of you, take care of all the housework and, take care of the kids if I knew for a fact that you were sleeping with another man?

Well I have experienced a profound and permanent change in both my behaviors and attitude because of the knowledge I have obtained. I have been able to do these things when in fact I do know and have known that you are having an affair.

There is no need to deny this because I know it is true. For example I know you slept with Donald when you left from counseling to “Take Joe to see his wife.” I know you slept with Donald when you “spent the night with Christie.” I knew it was the plan, and that you looked forward to it all week, yet I made no demands, no sly remarks, I just continued to try to fulfill your needs.

I know these things because even though I bought you a cordless phone you didn’t go outside. The volume was way loud and you did little to lower your voice. You also kept coming into the bedroom that night looking round. I heard a lot of that phone conversation and others to include him telling you how wonderful you were for him the day before. You telling him about how hard he had made it for you to take a shower when you got home. I heard the two of you planning the trip for this past Saturday and I still behaved. I have heard other things and yes I did see the letter signed “Love Donald” when I was cleaning out your pockets for the washer, but I believe these are enough details to convince you to no longer deny the affair.

Do my actions, even after having the affair confirmed, prove I’ll never change? No, but they do provide a lot of convincing evidence that I won’t. I know what to do now and will continue doing them for as long as you let me and as long as I love you. I make no demands, that’s not what this is about, but honesty and openness is in my top five also. It’s number one in fact, and I needed this to be in the open.

Again, no demands, the choice is yours to make but I will tell you this. I love you very much and I want the affair to end. I want us to recover our mutual love for each other and we can’t do that while the affair and the secrecy is going on.

This entire experience has been very painful for me and will become painful for the kids no matter how much we try to protect them.
The choice is yours to make and I hope you will choose to work on our marriage. I will as long as I can and as long as you will let me. It’s not too late as long as one is still trying.

Love is not unconditional and I won’t be forever but right now I do love you deeply,
BS

Well WS came home in a bad move last night. Said it was a new girl at work that pissed her off. That may have added to it but she came out of the blue with " You don't have to come home tomorrow because I'm tired of running around every day. I'm gonna stay hoe tomorrow."

I have been coming home in the mornings from 10am till I take her to work at 4. We have been leaving and doing things together then meeting the kids when they get home from school till I take her to work.

I think OM is upset about the time we are spending together and her not being home when he calls, so is putting pressure on her. Whiched he had waited a while longer before that so she would miss it more but nothing I can do.

I told her we don't have to go anywhere. I come home to be with her and we can do whatever she likes.

Have joint session with Steve in 2 hours. Hope we have some movement but hopes not very high.

Well Steve spoke to us seperately. Told me to keep the letter but not to give it to her yet. Wants her to look over my EN Questionnaire and write down if she is willing and capable of fullfilling any of the top 5. Of course I don't think she is willing but she agreed to write it up and have another IC with Steve in 2 weeks. I want to expose so bad I can taste it. But I'm not the pro so I guess I'll have to go with his advice.

<small>[ May 21, 2003, 08:30 PM: Message edited by: hurting12 ]</small>

Listen to Steve.
I want to expose so bad I can taste it. But I'm not the pro so I guess I'll have to go with his advice.
Once the affair is exposed, the ws usually feels a GREAT sense of relief. Right now she is trying to keep two separate lives going and it’s a pretty dang difficult thing to do.

If the ws feels the guilt and fesses up, it is usually easier for them to end the affair and easier for the couple to work through it.

When it gets exposed by the betrayed (you), they usually get defensive and it makes everything much more difficult.

If she is willing to do something, even look a the questionnaire, then that is a good thing.

It is hard to plan A today. Trying to meet her need for conversation and all she wants to talk about is work and OM. I'm so mad I could punch a wall. Was actually glad when WS called OM just now so I could get away from her and so I could come here and vent before I do major LB. Already put OM down some today and can't afford to do it anymore.

Taking deep breaths trying to calm down while WS in other room laughing with OM. If Steve don't let me expose so she will stop talking about OM soon I will have to go to B before I lose my cool.

Maybe it's just a bad day. I hope so because I have only A'ed for 3 weeks and thats not long enough.

Sorry just venting venting venting. Better to you guys than to her.

<small>[ May 22, 2003, 12:12 PM: Message edited by: hurting12 ]</small>

Just dropped WW off at work. I know he is there but I'm still glad. I need a break. I didn't even want to be around her today. If it wasn't for the kids I would have packed and left today. Would have probably regreted it tomorrow but thats how I felt.

is it time to move over to GQ2?

Very few people come over here to Just Found Out. GQII or Emotional Needs has many more people.

<small>[ May 23, 2003, 12:40 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>