I would have laid down on the expressway as a bet before I would have ever believed what I discovered just ten weeks ago. I've been with my H since high school in 1979. We celebrated our 18th anniversary on Easter with new wedding bands since the other ones were tainted. My H had NEVER been with another woman--EVER; so I had no reason to suspect anything was going on. Last fall he started acting distant to me, working later, coming home in a grumpy mood, never talking. It was horrible. But I respected his time at work as he was busy, trusting, never doubting anything.

Let me back up. Last June, we attended a business association dinner, and he introduced me to his sales rep, who he had talked about for a while casually. Her fiance was there too, and a March 2003 wedding was planned. Throughout the dinner, I grew uncomfortable as I watched how familiar they seemed to be with each other--nuances, off-colored jokes, elbow poking sorts of humor. As I stepped back and observed my husband, I saw him morph into a dog in heat as he looked at this girl-29. He acted like the men used to treat me when I was the office "hotty" back in my 20s. Perhaps that was why it was so obvious to me, yet my H didn't recognize it at all. I was careful not to say anything (mistake), because I didn't want to come across as a jealous wife. I truly was observing as an onlooker, because his personality changed right there. I don't know if her fiance recognized it or not, but it was gross flirting.

Occasionally, her name would come up as she would be sponsoring an event and, of course, would be present. He didn't keep that from me; they were "just friends" and it was "just business." However, as time went on her name would be the last one mentioned, sneaky. He told me it's because he knew I'd get mad.

We have two boys (6/8) and had a great family vacation in August--great love making too! Well, in September 2002, she sponsored a golf tournament, and rode in his cart. Great recreational companionship now. I later found out that this was the first day they ever crossed the line with kissing and "dry humping it." This girl comes to his office every Tuesday and Friday to call on her customers. HA! In October I turned 40 and had a big party with a band, and he never even came out to dance with me. He told me he was having to entertain those people in the house. I couldn't understand why he wouldn't have put me first. He gave me a bathrobe. At this point, I couldn't even remember if we'd had sex in September or not, but none in October or November. He once refused me in the shower--not interested. I just thought he had alot on his mind or something. Even when we four traveled away for Thanksgiving. We had a good time, I thought. We were getting along fine, yet there was a distance there that I couldn't explain.

Our older son (8) started misbehaving, and I felt like I was running the entire household by myself. I had just finished a huge commitment with Scouts (took up too much of my time I now realize)and had been appointed as Cubmaster. He never made it to the pack meetings to see me on stage--found out later that he used that time to be with her--Ouch!

His nights getting home from work grew later and later, and I never knew if I should have a nice family dinner cooked or not. Often I would already have the boys bathed and tucked into bed when he'd come rolling in, prepare a protein shake and go on to bed. I was lost, lonely, and baffled.

On about three occasions he met some coworkers for beers after work; she was one of them. One night coming in much later than I thought was reasonable too. The week before Christmas, he had to entertain two men from out of state, so he took them to an expensive restaurant downtown. I expected his biz dinner to be over and home by around 10 pm, but somewhere after 1:30 a.m., he drove up. I wish I had looked at him naked that night to have seen some evidence, but again, I had no reason to expect anything out of the ordinary. He told me he'd been driving them around town to show them the city. I asked him if he went to a strip club, and he was appalled that I accused him of that. If only, that's what he'd been doing! I later found out that she had also attended that dinner, and that they had gotten a hotel room for who knows how long doing who knows what to each other. Oh, how it hurts to write these words.

Christmas was the worst I can ever remember. Even with a house full of family, it felt flat. He had a shopping bag filled with unwrapped kitchen items from Williams-Sonoma, he had me reach in with closed eyes to pull them out. I thought that was fun actually. Gifts are not my love language though I am mentioning them here for a reason.

Once in December we made love--finally.

New Year's Eve we planned a little family party. I was preparing a fondue, because the boys had never done that, and we were all so excited...that is until Daddy didn't get home in time. The three of us had our hor's douvers, and the fondue had fossilized before he got home--probably around 8:00 or so. "I didn't know you were going to have it so early." Said he'd gone out with the folks from the office--maybe he did. Who knows at this point.

New Year's Day was what I thought was a turning point. I told him that we had to talk. We went downstairs alone and had the longest heart to heart conversation that we'd had in ages. We said that it couldn't go on like this, something had to change. What was wrong? What is troubling you? These evenings of going out with the buddies was something he hadn't done in over a decade; he was totally absent from this family. He was nine days away from his 41st birthday. He said he needed time, wasn't sure what he was feeling, didn't want to grow old, thought I had turned into Old Mother Hubbard, wanted to have fun, blah, blah, blah...

Okay, I can buy that. I started walking on eggshells for that man. I wanted everything picture perfect for him. I gave him space. I respected his time. I even encouraged him to go away for a weekend alone in the mountains to clear his head. What a fool am I?

Things were getting better. He was being nicer to me. He still didn't make it to the January pack meeting, and he still was relatively late on the evenings, but every once in a while, I'd get a one or two minute phone call saying he was on his way. We started to date some. I arranged for the boys to stay at mom's and I surprised him with a night away at a local Marriott, where he had to come find me waiting there. I was as nervous as a blind date; this was in January 2003. We did a movie one weekend, and another weekend we went out to dinner to a swanky restaurant. See? I thought his head was getting better; he was working on whatever it was that was bothering him. I think we even had sex a couple times in January. I had shopped for some new clothes and highlighted my hair. I told the salesperson that my husband needed a new wife, and I needed to be updated. In February we had a big annual gala event to attend, he in tuxedo, and I in a black beaded dress. When we got home, we made love like bunnies! I felt so close to him and knew everything was on track.

One day in the kitchen I was so overcome with joy saying how much I love him, and he commented back something that he was a scoundrel. I didn't know where that came from.

As the end of February drew near, I was busy planning away for the Cub Scouts Blue & Gold banquet, and he told me he would be leaving immediately after the banquet to attend a golf trip sponsored by that vendor. There were about six men going and her and one more woman. I couldn't understand why in the world these two women would be going on a man's golf outing out of town! Whenever I asked him about it, he'd get huffy and say, "Because it's her company, and they're sponsoring it, and it's just business..." Still that just didn't seem like a smart thing for that company to do. He'd say, "She's getting married!" to which I would reply, "Well, you ARE married!"

Believe it or not, to this point, I STILL HAD NO IDEA THAT HE HAD CHEATED ON ME! I went to that banquet, was emceeing on stage, when he up and left our children in the hands of someone else. Afterwards she told me that he had left; it took me a while to realize why and then remembered he was driving up to the mountains for this golf weekend. Saturday I took the boys to their baseball practices, and Sunday morning I stepped in and taught my husband's kindergarten Sunday School class, because he was out of town. He got home early afternoon, and I was just so glad to see him and hoped he'd had a good trip.

I was curious how it went with those two women there, and remembering how flirty she had been with him back in June, I could just imagine it amplified. I asked him if she ever came in his room. He supposedly had roomed with her boss. He said no she hadn't come in there. This whole golf trip thing started to bug me more and more. Wednesday morning I was talking to a neighbor whose husband travels alot for his job about how she would feel about these two women going on this guy trip, and she said that it wouldn't be right. Company outings, sales meetings, etc. are one thing, but something like that should be men only. I stewed on that a while, parked my car in front of the Krispy Kreme store, phone my sister in MN and told her about it. She said it sounded fishy to her, and that I should go home check receipts or phone bills, but that I had to be ready for what I might find. Don't eat the doughnuts!

I did just that, getting curious but still knowing it was going to be a mute point. He'd just been "not himself" lately; he would never think to cheat on me. For Pete's sake, this was US, Barbie & Ken, together since high school.

The first paperwork I came across was the cell phone bill. He uses a lot of cell minutes each month. I've never even looked at his bill before; had no reason to, so I didn't know any ot the numbers. There were hardly any to home. But there were a few that kept cropping up over over, and the length of phone calls was huge. Now this is the man who I rarely call, because I respected his business time. But wait. What was that call at 1:00a.m.? Whose number is that? Why would he be making a call that late? Looking back at the date, I saw that it was the night he was on that biz dinner with the out of town men. My heart raced as I dialed that phone number and the voice on the other end said, "----- ------" I felt a flush come over me as I found my voice and said, "Hi,introduced, listen, we can't find your wedding invitation and I don't know when the date is...." She asked if she could send another one, small chit-chat and then hung up. Now I imagine that she immediately called my husband, probably sweating bullets.

That's not where it ended though. I ran across one of his credit card bills--again, I'd never looked at them before. It was from December, and there was a charge to the Shane Co. My mind raced as I racked my brain trying to remember what jewelry he had given me for Christmas. The next charge below it was for about half that price to Williams-Sonoma. Wait a minute. I didn't get jewelry; I got an avocado peeler and a meat thermometer. I don't believe this is happening. I had to get creative, so I called the Shane Co, posing as a secretary trying to match up her boss's Christmas customer sales receipts with the gifts purchased. I had the dollar amount, but needed the item description. The young man on the phone would have to check some records for that date, because there was nothing in my "boss's name" for that date at that amount. When the phone rang a while later with Shane Co on the caller ID, it was confirmed that the reason we couldn't find the blue saphire and diamond pendant was because it was purchased in the name of ----- ------. Oh, thank you, you saved my job, I told him.

Shaking vehemently, I phoned my husband on impulse and yelled at the top of my lungs something about him being a f***ing liar. He was busted. He was at birthday luncheon with several folks from work (not her this time!) This was on March 5, 2003, Wed. He had the audacity to ask me if he needed to come home. Please. How dumb can Y chromosomes make someone?

I was totally thrown off my rocker. How could he have bought her such an intimate present? Why? If he needed to get a gift for this business associate, I could have helped him shop, but jewelry is way too personal, honey! When he got home he only confessed to having kissed and hugged her. Guess what I did? I picked up the phone with him sitting right there, called her (I had all her numbers now!) and said, Hey how were the mountains on the golf trip this weekend? Her response was that it was a nice time and she sure was glad that she had Jen there to keep her company. I thought that was odd, because I hadn't asked anything about that. Must have been her script. I then said, "You know the old saying, about something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue, I think the blue saphire and diamond necklace that my husband gave you would would work perfectly for the something blue with your wedding dress in seventeen days." She denied the necklace. Then she said it was a thank you gift and that alot of her customers give her thank you gifts, and that it was really sweet of him to do that." Yes, really sweet. I made a comment about her playing kissy face with my husband. Still I didn't know how far this had gone.

He ran one errand that night, maybe a son to baseball, and yes took the opportunity to phone her and say that it had to stop right then. I wish I could have heard that conversation.

That night I made him sleep in the basement bedroom as I highlighted every phone call to her. I discovered how they would call each other first thing in the morning as soon as he would leave the driveway somewhere around 6:45, they'd begin their days together. If he couldn't reach her on one line, he'd call the other cell number. Then hang up, and she'd call so that it would be listed as an incoming call with no traceable phone number listed. 20 minutes, 35 minutes, they'd break it up into several in a row so as not to show huge amounts of time every time. The pattern was there; it didn't lie.

I'd get the children up, feed them breakfast, kiss them goodbye as I drove them to school, sometimes calling him to tell them what a precious moment had just happened with them, only to be cut short with a "I've got to take this call." I didn't think a thing about it.

I didn't sleep a wink that night, I cried all night. I went downstairs to sit in a chair at the foot of the bed where he lay and wondered how in the world could he sleep? When morning came, I dressed up. When asked where I was going, I told him that I was going to work with him that day. I was riding shot gun. Whoa. He wasn't expecting that! He dared not buck.

I put on my happy face, went to his office, watched him put a job bid together in one room, and I ventured into his office and pulled up his emails and read all of them to and from her. There really weren't many, but I read enough. Words that still haunt me like "I'm on my way!", meaning that they were about to meet somewhere. When she had sent out notice to coworkers about an upcoming absence, his reply was "I'M GOING TO MISS YOU SO MUCH!" What?! I'm not believing what I'm reading I thought. Then there was the sign off on one that read TYSL, which he had instant loss of memory on its meaning, but I figured it to mean, THANK YOU SEXY LADY. Gag. Thanks for what? The BJ the day before?!

Well, then I got tricky again and caught her like Charlotte's Web. From his email, I wrote: The s**t really hit the fan. I had to tell all. How are you doing? and I pressed SEND. In a flash, there was a reply that said, I'm calling you, pick up. Well, yikes, not knowing exactly how to handle that one, I did pick up his phone. He was still in the other room. She was confused at first and kept asking for him, then said "Who is this?" I replied, "Your worse nightmare!" Whoa! She wasn't expecting me at the office! I told her that I knew she'd been f***ing my husband, and she didn't deny it! I knew then that my worst fear was true. I don't know how, but I took it all, it was like ammunition in my belt. Soon after I went in where my H was and casually made the remark that I knew that he'd been doing it with her, that I talked with her on the phone, and he was dumbfounded and didn't know what to believe. They'd not had time to create a story line for this one.

He told me that it was over; it would not continue. Why? Because she's getting married in two weeks? Where was her fiance during all this? What was he being told? I still can't believe this happened, he just wasn't himself and did something most people do in their twenties. We went to a marriage counselor that day and had our first session. He still had not confessed, although I took it as a done deal after that conversation. However, when we got home, the phone rang and it was the fiance calling. Apparently, my sister looked his number up on the internet, phoned him and told him what she knew--not trying to be malicious, just wanted him in all fairness to know what kind of activities the love of his life had been up to and that her sister's world had just been turned upside down as a result of it. It was a easy tempered conversation, and he thanked her for the call. During the fiance's phone call to our home, I picked up a phone extension to be a part of the conversation telling him that we were in it together. He asked my husband point blank if it were true and that he better use this opportunity to come clean right then before whoever he prays to at night! Pow! That hit my H where it counted. The fiance asked again, "Did you have sexual intercourse with her?" He paused for a while but then answered with me looking right at him, "Yes." POW! NEVER in my life would I have expected those words to come from my man's mouth--NEVER. Suddenly, the last several months made sense to me. But wait, hadn't we been working on "his head"? Weren't things getting better? Surely, all this was back in the fall when we were so distant with each other. We'd been doing so well lately, and getting close, and even making love. Remember the night of the Gala two weeks earlier?

One of the things that hurt the worst was finding out that it wasn't just in the fall. They had continued during January and February even when we were 'doing better.' So that made it feel like a double whammy--at least before we were distant, lately, I'd been giving my heart and soul, but they were wrapped in lies.

I soon found out that the night of the Cub banquet when he left for the golf trip was a lie. It was just the two of them at some inn in the mountains--our mountains, where I love to go retreat. He met her up there. He couldn't have gotten there before midnight; I imagine they had sex all night long, stayed in bed all day; he made dinner for her Saturday night. He woke up next to her on two mornings; the second of which I was teaching his Sunday School class. Does that hurt the worst? Knowing that he actually wanted to be away with this 29 year old who was three weeks away from her wedding day? Playing house with her in OUR mountains! Was she wearing sexy lingerie that she got from a shower to be used on her honeymoon? What the 7734 were they thinking?

He told me that they had conversations where he'd say I have a beautiful wife at home and two precious boys, what am I doing here? She asked, "Yea, what are you doing here?" They both knew it was wrong but did it any way.

Well that was about ten weeks ago, and we've come a very long way in that amount of time. Our relationship is more open and honest than it has ever been; believe it or not, our sex life has ballooned into a very fulfilling experience for both of us; I'm trying to be everything he needs, realizing that I must not have been the wife he needed me to be or else this slippery slope wouldn't have been skiied! I've changed physically, thus my name WorkOutWoman; we now get up by 5:30 a.m. every morning and do weight training, so I've gone from a size 10 to a size 6 in that amount of time (Never had even worn an 8 before, so I'm proud of that!) I changed the way I look at him especially. I think that since we were together for so long, I took him for granted. I tried to be the ruler of my world; he needed to be the leader, but I didn't understand how to let him lead. I've put down my selfish habits (slowing down my Scout work) to devote more time to him and the family, I'm indulging in reading all I can on exercise and nutrition AND all the realtionship books, the MB website has helped tremendously as we've read through the information highlighting the familiar. Eight weeks after Dday, we took an anniversary trip to the beach and had a marvelous time, except...

I keep being haunted by visions of them having sex together. While I sat home alone on those evenings wondering why he wouldn't touch me or why he was so distant, to learn that he was pleasing this little girl sickens me. That's where I need help right now.

The odd thing is that I never really got mad at him. I felt sad for him; that he had to go through this mess, that he forever lost his record of my being the only one he'd ever been with, that he was so hopeless in our relationship that he had to find excitement somewhere else. I have forgiven him, but I am having such a hard, hard time with the forgetting. Please, if anyone out there can give me suggestions for getting that video that I created in my mind to quit rewinding and playing. I wish I could just erase that portion of my brain and that we could move forward without ever looking back on it.

Last night I cried so hard about this very situation, and he was at a loss. He said he is doing all he knows it do. He regrets it painfully and wishes he could take back those six months and make them never happen like that. He made changes too; I immediately made him get rid of his truck where they had done it once. He shaved his sporty little beard to a goatee style, and he met with her boss to get her off his account and deals only with him now (he found out about the A after it DDday.) I was surprised to find out my H's best friend who works with him did not even know about it. He said when you start lying, it just becomes easier to do. That is so completely not my husband. He has also become aware of how flirty he was and is handling interactions with women in the workplace much differently. After reading so much material and falling prey to this, he sees that it's everywhere out there just waiting to attack. I'm very thankful that he can now put up a wall around our marriage in that respect.

A few weeks later, I called her to talk to her. I had to slay the beast. It was actually a very mature conversation; I told her how hurt I was and how we were dealing with things. I told her I couldn't imagine what she was going thru having lost her affair partner and her fiance. He broke off the engagement. I figured she was now spending her evenings returning wedding gifts instead of wrapping herself around my man.
Every time I write something like that it hits like vinegar on a wound. Please help me stop!

One of my sisters thinks I've become manic; but how do I know? Sure take everything you know to be true, shake it up and see if you don't have really low lows and really high highs. What are we to expect? For Pete's sake, it's only been ten weeks. As I said, my H and I are doing better than ever, but I don't want to keep having a night like I did last night. I got for several days straight doing really well, and then I hit a road block. Although we can now talk about anything, he hates for me to bring it up, because he's NOT thinking of her, doesn't miss her, doesn't miss the deceitful life he was leading, is thrilled to be BACK HOME, it takes him back--revives the guilt, shame, etc. My fear is that it was making him remember her in a positive way. I said to him last night that she was probably the hottest thing he'd ever seen, and that I hoped she had ugly feet and smelled bad and all that other stupid stuff. He disagreed and said the right thing when he said, "I told you that you are a much more beautiful woman than she is inside and out."

I hope this entry hasn't been too long for anyone to read; it's the first time I've written any of my story, and it needed to come out. I know there's more, but if anyone is willing to help me emotionally through this crap so that I don't have to keep dumping on my husband, I sure would appreciate it. Those of you who have been through it are sure to be encouraging. Knowing that the changes we have gone through will make us stronger, have made us stronger, is comforting. I've just got to learn how to "let her go", because right now this little tart has a control over me that she probably doesn't even realize--or want. I imagine she probably regrets the day she ever pulled up her skirt too--she lost her soon-to-be-marriage as a result. It's not like she's going to pull a Fatal Attraction on us, although seeing her dead doesn't sound half bad right now! Not that it would change what happened.

<small>[ May 13, 2003, 04:01 PM: Message edited by: WorkOutWoman ]</small>

Boy, are there a lot of parallels between our stories! The only things I have to say to you are: 1) It's NOT your fault!!! Don't buy that. Ever. You weren't perfect. Nobody is. That justifies nothing. 2.) It gets better with time, but think in terms of months/years, not weeks. 3.) The anger will come. It may be a surprise. Don't avoid it, but don't let it destroy your relationship, either. It will teach you what is not yet finished. Dig underneath the fear to the hurt, frustration and fear that cause it. Talk about those with your H. 4.) yeah, being betrayed tends to make one manic, and obsessive. You may want to use anti-depressent medication. It smooths things out. They don't call this the emotional rollercoaster for nothing.

There is lots of helpful information on recovery in the link in my signature line.

WOW welcome to MB.

I'm sorry that you find yourself in this all too familiar scenario. Both of you contributed to the state of your marriage BUT your H bears total responsibility for his bad choice in having an A. If you want to fight for your M you are going to have to read Dr Harley's books 'Surviving An Affair''His Needs Her Needs' and 'Love Busters'. It is counterproductive to your goal of saving your marriage if you are resorting to love busters. What are they? They are the habits that destroy romantic love, and they are the following:

1.Selfish Demands: Who Wants To Live With A Dictator?

2.Disrespectful Judgements: Who Wants To Live With A Critic?

3.Angry Outbursts: Who Wants To Live With A Time Bomb?

4.Dishonesty: Who Wants To Live With A Liar?

5.Annoying Habits: Who Wants To Live With A Dripping Faucet?

6.Independent Behavior: Who Wants To Live With An Inconsiderate Jerk?

Your H is certainly guilty of a few LB's, but what about you? Do you see any of the above that might apply to you?

It's useless for you to do all those nice things for your H if you end up sabotaging them by resorting to LBs(Love Busters). It's like trying to keep a boat afloat while punching holes at its bottom at the same time.

You also have to accept reality and realize that you can not force your H to do anything he doesn't want to do. If he has his heart on cheating, he will find a way to do it no matter what. But you can control your behavior and thru your actions, make him question the value of his poor choices. Of course you can disregard all of this, and continue with your present course of action but you'll probably end up pushing him farther and farther away and 'justifying' in his mind his choice in having an A.

You are not alone, keep us posted.

Hi. Sounds like you are in the early stages of recovery so you might want to cut and paste your story into a post on the "In Recovery" board. It gets alot more traffic. That's a good place for you to read up on others to find success stories. Suggestions you heard above are good ones, I would just add that you and your H need to do the reading.

Best Wishes!

WOW! I had the most of the same things happen towards the end of my marriage. The EX acted differently, she didnt want sex, and the cell phone calls. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Hi workout woman,
Just read your post---wow! This is very early on for your feelings and videos in your mind to go away. Time will heal a lot but there may be times way down the road that it will come back to haunt you.

My husband met a woman at a store he did business with and had a PA that lasted nearly 2 years. He even invited her to our church and they continued the affair for another year. She saw something she wanted and went after it.

It took me 8 months to get the whole truth out of him and I'm not sure I still know everything but things are getting better. He's very committed to rebuilding our marriage--told me the reason it happened is because we hadn't been close in a long time. Please!!!!

Most men are tempted from time to time but when a woman makes it known that she is available to him, they succumb very easily. I don't think the state of your marriage has anything to do with it most of the time. I think men need constant attention, admiration and sex to feel like a real man. They also need the constant reassurance that they can still attract a woman---and how exciting when it's someone other than the woman they've always been with. Part of the excitement is the danger.

I still have good days and bad days after almost a year. We still have conversations that spin into an argument due to the fact that in many ways the lies and sneaking around are almost worse than the fact that he actually had sex with her.

Do your best not to let it control your life. Little by little the pictures will become a little fuzzy and the hurt will lesson. Try not to stuff bad feelings when they come up--talk to your H and explain how you feel and let him comfort you.

Good luck to you. I think you have what it takes to make things great.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Most men are tempted from time to time but when a woman makes it known that she is available to him, they succumb very easily. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">ALL men are tempted from time to time - but some do not succumb, mostly because they have good enough boundaries that the temptation never gets too extreme. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I don't think the state of your marriage has anything to do with it most of the time. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, I don't know about MOST of the time - it is too easy to generalize from our own experiences. And, if you don't take this opportunity to seriously examine the state of your marriage and how that might have contributed to (NOT "caused") your H's affair, then I think you are dooming yourself to a repeat.

However, it is true that most people here at least partially accept the idea that unmet emotional needs are the root cause of affairs. BUT unmet EN's do not cause affairs, they cause lousy marriages. If you read Harley thoroughly and carefully, he does not say unmet EN's cause affairs, either, though it is so common a misconception among his readers that I would say he should do some re-writing of his material. Reading SAA, it can be easy to conclude that unmet needs are the reason for affairs. Not so. Affairs are entirely the responsibility of those involved, and the reasons vary.

Our MC worked w/ Bill Harley for 8 years, and one of his biggest dis-agreements w/ Bill was on this very issue, because according to him, in about 40% of men's affairs unmet EN's had very little to do with it. Yes, there were usually unmet EN's in their marriages, because no marriage is perfect. But, having the wife find out about and meet his most important EN's did not stop the affairs from re-kindling or stop the husband from having another. Harley is aware of this, which is why his plan for recovery is a lot more complicated than: 1.) Take the EN questionaire. 2.) Meet your husbands EN's. Our MC said that in his opinion, for that 40%, if the wife had been meeting the husband's top 5 EN's PERFECTLY, the husband still would have had the affair. If you want to learn more, read "The State of Affairs", by Todd Mulliken particularly the chapter on "The Double Life Man".

<small>[ May 13, 2003, 01:56 PM: Message edited by: johnh39 ]</small>

Thank you to those of you who so quickly responded to me and my lengthy post. I seem to take up for my H alot even in this situation. He truly has recommitted himself to our marriage, ended the disgusting A immediately upon discovery, has not seen her at all, and I really believes does not desire to see her and wishes he could erase it from his history. Even last night as he comforted my tears he confirmed that nothing like this would ever happen again. I know it sounds like malarky, but I believe him. I believe in us. I have forgiven him just as Christ forgave me when I was not worthy of it. I have accepted the fact that it happened even though I too have been unacceptable. The tough part for me is in the forgetting--moving on without it bombarding all my thoughts. We have done alot the MB work from the website, are reading HNHN, and read Not Just Friends--that one was painful but helpful in understanding what we had been faced with.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have forgiven him just as Christ forgave me when I was not worthy of it.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Excellent point WOW.

For what it's worth, the triggers will be less and less as time goes by. Accept them like you would accept the pain of a serious automobile accident in which you were seriously injured. It's part of the healing process that can't be rushed.

I hope that you and your H can agree on a marital plan of recovery a la MB. If both of you are on the same wavelength, it makes the recovery so much easier.

Keep up the good work.

I debated a long time before posting but simply feel I need to get this out. Please read carefully:

HIS AFFAIR WAS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!

It is heartbreaking to see so many posters here taking responsiblilty for their Spouse's affair. I have read SAA and, while I agree with most of it, I wonder why there was no discussion of Loyalty, Honor, and Dignity on the part of the WS. These are things I believe in and I had hoped my Spouse believed in them also. Unfortunately, she disregarded those characteristics at the first opportunity. Enough of this accepting responsibility for anothers actions. THEY made the choice to cheat, not us. Give yourself a break.

Can I answer your first question..."Is it too early for the pain to go away"? The answer is unfortunetly YES. This will take some time and each marriage/relationship is a bit differant so we can not determine when the pain stops. Just know that everything you feel, sense, wonder, crave, and are experiencing, is NORMAL. Hang in there, it will get better, someday.

Hi WOW. Sorry for your pain.

You should be thankful your H has made the harder choice, that being to stay with the marriage. Most people think leaving is the faster easier way out. It will just lead to other problems down the road.

So thank God, your H has stayed. Thank God he has stopped talking and seeing the OW. This is not an easy thing for him to do.

As I read through your post, it appears you needed to re-prioritize things in your life. Kids may have been the highest priority and they may have gotten in the way of your relationship between you and your H. Putting God first, then you H and your relationship with each other should be next, followed by your children, and then their activities. Without this balance, the family structure appears to breakdown. Kinda what happen to me.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I have forgiven him just as Christ forgave me when I was not worthy of it. I have accepted the fact that it happened even though I too have been unacceptable. The tough part for me is in the forgetting--moving on without it bombarding all my thoughts </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My WS defined forgiveness as giving up the right to punish and judge someone for what they have done. I have worked hard in this area, knowing some of the reason I was betrayed was because I was not meeting her needs. But I also know, I did not make the final decision, that decision was hers and hers alone.

The pain, the thoughts, they are still there, however over time, they are starting to fade. For me it has been 19 months.

I just know that God is in the business of fixing the mess we create, and He is working very hard on fixing ours.

Keep your faith, keep praying, and I have no doubt He will fix your as well.

In Christ...