I'm feeling emotionally very grief-stricken and angry about what happened yesterday to me....and to my husband of only 8 months. I need a place to express this.....hope someone understands here.

I came home from work 1/2 hour early...he stayed home from work, went to the doctor, and was home in bed since he hurt his back and is in a great deal of pain. I walk in to find a large pile of my mail on the dining room table. He went by our old house to check for mail. I'm going through it and shortly I hear him making a phone call to someone...as I start walking down the hall I hear him say he is 46, his birthdate, where he lives, how far it is from where she lives, and says, "we should get together some time" At that point I reach the door, open it and yell at him that I hate him!!! He tells me it was an old girlfriend (a lie) then that it is phone sex. He swears he has no intention of seeing this person, in person. Despite all the conversation about meeting......What do you think about that one?????? I think he's lying to me. Maybe someones experience here can shed light on that.

Roberta61 --

Eight months together is far too early to be having these sorts of problems, not that they are welcome at anytime in a marriage.

Unfortunately, most of us understand what you're going through and what you're feeling, through our own personal and bitter experiences. But fortunately, those experiences permit a meaningful connection with similarly troubled souls and their situations. So, here we go...

Yes, he's lying! Trying desperately to cover his butt. Lying to you about the person he was talking with and lying to you about his intentions with her (you heard him say "we should get together some time"). A very unwise and deceitful direction for him to choose for your young marriage.

In either case, his "explanations" don't hold up, and for any number of reasons. Neither "justification" is anything but scrambling and ultimately undermining your relationship. Inexcusable and totally unacceptable.

I think you need to sit down with him, as calmly and rationally as you can, and discuss his behavior. He needs to hear from you, in no uncertain terms, that you will not tolerate these actions. You need to be sure that he understands exactly where you are with this. Then if he chooses to continue, you will know a lot about his degree of commitment to you and to your marriage.

He may simply retreat underground and not be so obvious with these contacts. My guess is that bringing these behaviors into your home means that what you witnessed is just the tip of the iceberg. But it's also possible that he was having a weak moment and chose to act on it. But you and your marriage cannot tolerate future occurrences.

I am sorry for these circumstances in your life and for his thoughtless and reckless behavior. Your H needs to know that your relationship cannot survive these incidents or, worse, the complete lack of thought and caring behind them.

But now that you're aware of the problems, you both can take steps to repair and prevent them for the future. That phone call you overheard is an obvious and very serious symptom of other problems in your relationship and they need to be uncovered and remedied as a first and primary step toward a healthy and fulfilling marriage. You both may want to consider counseling, jointly and individually.

Keep us posted. We're here for you...

Ammon

<small>[ May 15, 2003, 08:16 AM: Message edited by: Ammon ]</small>

Hi Ammon....

Thank you so very much for your caring response to what I wrote. As you can imagine, I feel pretty alone and really devestated in this. My stomach feels so sick and my heart is aching. Up until we moved into our new home about a month ago, I thought things were great between us......but then I noticed him pulling away from me and becoming distant. Very unlike him. Although my H SWEARS that it was phone sex, I, like you, doubt it. Could be a prostitute. However, given the state of his back injury, there is no way he could actually meet her any time soon. He is in bed most of the time. I did get the impression he did not know this person, but wanted to. Asking her age, telling her they should chat sometime, meet sometime, ect...tells me it was a first contact. Right now he is extremely depressed. We just moved into a brand new home and he is depressed about leaving his old one of 12 years....his response to our talk about what happened lead him to tell me he feels worthless, weak, unable to satisy the simplest things in life (he is in bed with major back problems.) He took full responsibility for it being HIS problem. Told me this happened two weeks ago at work also...said he called another phone sex woman. Says he feels a sense of shame and guilt over what he has done. Is going to pursue counseling to deal with his problems. I'll go too. Right now, I don't think I'll be able to trust him again. And when I walk into our house, I relive those words I heard all over again.

Thank you for listening and extending a caring thought my way