Hi gingersnap,thanks for your reply, your thoughts,and your prayers. I know its an emotional rollercoaster,im going thru the same things, and no premenopause lol, I still cry every day,I lay awake late at nite and watch her sleep,I wander ? she says shes so sorry for causing me so much pain,that she wants our marriage to work,how can she sleep so good? why doesnt she cry when she looks at me? It seams everytime it gets a little better, she does or says something to make it worse.This morning im laying in bed watching her get ready for work thinking about how much I love her,and she said where are you at? I said im right here,what do you mean where am I at, she said it seamed like I was a million miles away,I wasnt, I was there looking at her, I just need her to hold me to let me know she still wants me, but we argue and she says what can I do? what can I say? to make you believe me. I have to tell her? I dont think I should ,just kissing me, and saying i love you doesnt seem enough .last week we had sex every day, this week nothing its hard to believe her after all the lies.I called her voice mail and told her I loved her very much and always will she called mine crying and said she too loved me, and she wished I could read her mind, and I would know she was not doing anything with anyone else this was before I knew for sure, and she admitted to the affair ,she sounded so sincere, anyone that listened would think she was not being unfathfull, I dont think it will take much more to throw in the towel and give up.Decided to tell the ow ,see my new post, thanks again ,good luck, Ill keep you in my prayers

I was not going to post today or in the days to come I have been so depressed that I decided maybe a break from everything will help. It has been a very long difficult week for me, so much has happened by last night I was crying so much I thought it would be better to be dead then deal with life. I don't know how much more one person can handle and in my case it is not all dealing with my H A it is a whole realm of difficult situations. Yesterday was hard for me I thought alot about the OW and there are reasons why I just won't go into them my H and I talked some he tried his hardest to open up it is very hard for him so finally while he was outside BBQing himself some dinner he wrote me a letter. He told me how he felt how sorry he was how he hated himself for what he has done to us. But the pain is still here. I don't know what to do anymore I am beginning to believe there is no answer for all of this.

Hello gingersnap.
Have you considered asking your doctor to give you some Antidepressive medication? SSRI's (maybe Lexapro which has a faster onset 1 - 3 weeks) could be the solution you need to get through it all without crying so much. Your personality will not change and SSRI's don't cause addiction - but they can be very helpful in order to make you think clearer and focus more on the positive things in you life.
I'm speaking from personal experience - I've been taking them for a month now (since I got suspicious to my H) and they work wonders for me.

Hi gingersnap; you tell me not to throw in the towel, but it seems your thinking the same thing.Its hard, all the toughts, pictures in your mind, it seems everytime they do or say something to put you a step foward, they do someting or say something to knock you back 3-4 or something they don't well, I fear on of these steps backwards sometime, I will fall of a cliff one I cant take a step forward again and it will be over,at least he can write you, more than I get from my wife.All I think is, how can I ever trust her again when she can lie so good, and seems to have no concience, no guilt, Well Ive decided to think of me, getting better and getting back to work, and when I get my settlement check for my injury, Im going to put it in an acc. just my name, to have something in case.I'm going to work on me and leave it up to her to decide if she wants to rebuild what she has tore down

Danishwoman and billibob, thanks for your replies.

First Danishwoman, yes anti-depressants have been given to me. I chose not to take them I don't believe they are really going to solve my problems so I can't see taking them. My Dr. said they would make me fuzzy headed for a few days then that would wear off and all would be fine, but just a few days of fuzziness is to much for me. I suffer from extreme sinus headache and can hardly handle that and I am fuzzy headed enough without help <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> so I said no thanks to the pills.But I still have them just incase thanks.

Billibob, I don't mean to sound like I am ready to call it quits but it is aproaching the six month mark since I found out and I guess I am disapointed I thought all would be well by now and it is not. I know most of it is me my H is trying but like I told him he expects something from me that he didn't expect from her and that hurts after
all it was about six months after she found out that her H was having an A when she met my H and he felt so sorry for her. I told him now I am her do you feel sorry for me? I feel like there is such a double standard it was ok for her to be angry and hurt and to seek out someone else to replace her pain but I am suppose to be strong and over it already and I am not,and I'm not sure he really understands that but I do think he is trying. About a month or so ago he told me if I didn't get over it and quit crying I was going to push him right back to her, he hasn't said that latley maybe he is starting to relize how much damage this really did do to me.

Hi again.

I had no side effects from antidepressants - no fuzzy head or anything else. Of course it could be different for you - I was VERY reluctant to try this kind of medication but I must say that I'm feeling so much more like my 'old self' after taking them. I used to get tension headaches all the time but they have vanished too.

I'm not advocating medication - what's good for me might not be good for you.
Wish you luck <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Danishwoman, Thanks I know we are all different. I did read your post and let me just say I feel for you and your pain. I don't know what is worse having the man you love leave you for someone else or working through the pain of every time he holds you, every time he kisses you, every time he says something romantic to you, you know that he shared all that with someone else and wondering does he really mean what he says or is he thinking of her, and is only here because this was the right thing to do. My H says he is where he wants to be but I still doubt and do not trust at all.

You said in your 1 post that it has been 6 months and you thought it would be better,mines only been 1 and I dont think it will ever go away,I thought it had the first time,we now live in a 180,000 dollar home in the country, we have a gold fish pond, flowers, ect its beautiful, we have a rv and quads, and love to go out and camp and ride,I try to be the perfect husband and Im living here thinking I have the perfect life and the perfect wife,and then I find out Im living the perfect lie. I forgave her for the first a but this 1 I dont think Ill ever get over.not completly,knowing how well she can lie knowing she could come home to me after being with him and looking me in the eye saying I love you. She has showed me she has no respect for me or our marriage.I dont believe ill ever trust her again

Billibob, I just recieved my book surviving an affair I am hoping it will help me especially in the trust department. I wish I had the magic words for you but I don't. I am trying to look at things just one day at a time right now not what will happen next week, or next month or next year that is all I can do right now just try to make it through one day. I feel like I have done alot when at the end of the day I can say I didn't cry today or wow I was able to laugh today.

Hey ginger!!

I feel the same way. It's only been 3 weeks, but right now I can't imagine NOT thinking about it!! Will I ever be able to go a day without thinking about him with her?? Will I ever be able to go a day without crying?? Will I be able to laugh again without bursting into tears afterwards??

All I really know is that this sucks!! I may not have been the best person on earth, but I don't think I deserve this kind of pain!!

Hi Blonde, I often wonder if I will ever get over it I started reading SAA last night I got to the part of what the WS feels and I broke down when it said that they feel like they don't want to loose thier family but they don't want to give up the best thing they have ever found in thier life. It made me remember things my H had told me that first month after D-day. I know at that time he was still emotionally attachted to her I don't believe he is now but it hurts me so much to think of what they must have talked about. I wonder was he telling me one thing and her another. I have been with my H all my life we met in HS I always thought I was the best thing in his life. This is so hard. My H did go through the time of telling me it was my fault he had an A, I thought on that one all day at work (this happened about a month or so ago) I really became angry I said to myself I may not be perfect but he was treating me just as bad or worse than I treated him and I did not choose to cheat he did, there for NO it was not my fault I WILL NOT exept that and I told him so shortly after that he did take responsability for the A.On pennyme post you asked if you could cling on to us I think that is just what this site is all about finding people to give you support so go right ahead I need to know there are people I can depend on for support to. I feel so alone in this I have not told anyone about this exept for last week at work when a pastor friend of mine came in I broke down at work and told him. I told the story if you didn't read it you can it is here back a few days ago I think it showed up like three times I get impatient with this computer and keep clicking on the mouse and I think that is what happened anyway if you didn't read it you might want to that was a real hard emotional day for me.Lets try to stay strong and help each other.

Just popping in to say hi

Things aren't going so good today. H just called me (he's not home yet) and told me that he just got passed up for a promotion that he really felt he deserved.

When I told him I was sorry, he snapped back with "Are you really??" And yes...it was meant to be hurtful. I asked him if he was drinking, and he said no, but I don't believe him.

I asked him if he even wanted me to be here when he came home, and he snapped back again with "Where the [censored] are you gonna go??" This is so much like he was during the past year, that now I'm scared to death that he won't come home.

I just feel so lost. In a way, I want to leave. I have no idea if he'll come home still pissed off or not. And I know I pissed him off even more because I'm upset that he's late!! What am I gonna do???

Blonde, I did not have a good night last night myself. My H was on the computer that is why I did not check my post or I would have responded then. I don't really know what makes them angry, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> with my H it is me he thinks all should just be fine last night I was angry at him I wanted answers I have been reading SAA and he told me he would read it when I was done I do not believe him and told him so. I said sure you will just like all the other broken promises he said he would not drink anymore but he does. As the night went on things got worse to the point he said he was going to start sleeping in the other room. Maybe thats what I need to be away for a while to try not to think about this. I just can't get it out of my head. At the beginning he did alot to try and make things better but now I feel like he thinks all is well so he is just back to the same old habbits and that means I am not first anymore. I wish I had the answer I think we are feeling alot of the same emotions right now so just keep in touch and vent to me and I will do the same. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

hi gingersnap, my doctor perscribed 25 mg amitriptyline one at bedtime, he said it would take 2-3 days not weeks ,and would help me sleep, well I slept good lastnite, and so far I havent cried once today woohoo,no side affects

See me at trying to get stronger. My husband is alot like yours old fashioned. He likes to be waited on also. We were like each others crutches alot through out our relationship. He has now gotten to the age of 42 and either gone through a midlife crisis or is just tired for being my crutch and needs more out of our relationship. Something he never knew he was missing to the extent until the Affair. We both new that we did not communicate well with casual conversation but until it is up front and personnal you just kind of live your routine. Now he found that part of the relationship with the OW and isn't sure we have the relationship that is good enough when the kids are out of the house or will we become roommates THat is a relationship I do not want but I also do not want to lose my husband. i am not a very strong person at all. I am dependant completely on him and do not have good self esteem. I never did and now I have even less. You want to be like that other person because you know he liked that person or still does I have no idea. It is very difficult to ever know what is right to do. See my post trying to get stronger I would love to hear from you or anyone I need to get stronger and become someone. I have gone 3 day with out talking about the affair. I found out in September and it has been a terrible roolercoster ride to say the least. I have lost 30 pound in the first 3 months am down to 100 and ever one was worried about me. Almost lost my job because I could not function at work. Just started back this past monday. Life has been hell. He left for 3 months is now home and I still could not get better. I hope I am finally on the road to recover I never thought there would come a day when I could not talk to him about it. I feel like I have to try to think of anything to do to try and work on this and thought if we weren't talking about it how could you try. I do not want to lose my husband but also feel that if it will ultimately happen anyways why are we trying. I do not know wether to believe everything he says or not because he lied before how do you know he is not still lying. Any input would be helpful. More info on my marriage under trying to get stronger

BLONDE AMBITION i WOULD LIKE TO HEAR FROM YOU SOUNDS LIKE YOU ARE RIGHT WHERE i AM RIGHT NOW SEE ABOVE ON THIS AND LOOK AT TRYING TO GET STRONGER MY POST THANKS IT IS NICE TO KNOW I AM NOT THE ONLY ONE FEELING LIKE I AM CRAZY

Well, he came home by 11:00 Wednesday night.

The next day I told him I was leaving. I wanted to go stay in a hotel where I could be alone and just think. He had promised that he would NEVER go to a bar without me again, and he already broke that promise!!

If he could break that promise, what's to stop him from cheating on me again???

Anyway, he begged me not to leave, and like the doormat I am, I stayed. He called his dad the next day to talk to him about it (his dad is a recovering alcoholic). I asked if getting drunk made him feel better. He said no. He says he promises to never do it again, but why should I believe him??

I'm thinking of getting new locks put on the doors (ones that can only be opened from the inside). If he leaves again, I'll just lock him out for good.

Am I just a doormat?? Am I letting him walk all over me?? I really want to believe that he wants this marriage to work, but I have my doubts.

I'm telling you I lived exactly that for a very long time. He won't change until he is ready. But there is nothing you can do to make him change. I know I was there. Now I am dealing with the A and i don't know if I can get over it. That to me is harder. But the drinking is also very difficult. At least I am not dealing with both right now. My heart breaks for you I wish I could tell you it will be over soon but I don't think it will be. He has to hit bottom. How that will happen I do not know. But My H doesn't drink alot at all anymore. Even through the A he never got upset enough to just go out and get drunk. I went through the drinking problems 10 years ago and I thank God I don't have that to deal with also. Keep strong and try not to be the doormat. I was and I can not tell you how not to be because I never learned that either. Your h is so much like mine I just can't believe it Stay strong

Ok girls, I don't know if I am the one to turn to for advice but I think I am the oldest(42) and have been married the longest. I know that is one reason this has been so hard on me. Today is the six month aniversary since D-day it has been a very very hard day. I think of the things he told me back then, after reading SAA I'm sure a lot of what he said and felt was due to the addiction of the affair not so much what he really ment or he would not be here trying to make things work now he would have left to be with her think about girls,I do not believe after all I've read that your H would be at home if it truely was not were they wanted to be.

I feel like a doormat too I feel like he did the most horrible thing and I am suppose to sweep it under the rug, in reality I think he is hurting he just doesn't show it. I hate everything about the A I hate that he became emotonally connected to some one else I hate that he thought he could walk away from his family and all would be fine I hate that he had sex with some one else and enjoyed it and pleased her. I hate it all and I want it to go away that is were I come in I need to get myself in a place of peace,and become confident in who I am so that I can say it was a mistake on his part, he was in a fog and is out of it now and relizes that he almost lost it all. I am not there yet but I am working on it if you guys have not read SAA please do it puts a new perspective on marriage. My H told me today that he knows we can make it through this, in recovery he will have just as much work to do as me I don't know if he relizes that yet.

I want to have a great marriage I always have I just didnt know how to get it,I think I do now.
Don't get me wrong I am still very angry and hurt I don't know when that will go away but I don't want to spend the rest of my life like this I want to be happy again.
It helps me so to know that there are others struggling just like me and we can talk about it together lets keep that up I need your encouragement and advise to help me heal and learn how to forgive him.