This is my first post to this message board. My husband visits here frequently. You see I am the one that caused all of the problems in our marriage. I had a number of sexual hang ups for our entire marriage. I was abused as a teenager by the steady boyfriend and met my husband while it was still very fresh in my heart and mind. I never told a soul about the things that happened to me. I buried it all deep inside where it has festered for nearly 20 years. I've always seen my husband as my hero. He saved me from a life of misery and pain. In return for his love I feel into a pattern pushing him away sexually and eventually emotionally as well. It was as if I didn't want him associated with the ugliness of the "act of sex". I always loved him but I was like a young scared little girl in a grown up body. As my husband described it, he felt like my big brother not my husband. He was very loving and patient for 13-14 years. At that point he finally gave up pushed back. Who could blame him? Certainly not me. My isolation and mixed up sexuality lead me down a very dark and ugly immoral road. To make a very long story short I had a very old friend (male) that I trusted. Were he not an old and trusted friend, I believe that I would had seen what he was doing from the start. Originally he came to me for someone to talk to. His marriage was falling apart..........blah , blah, blah, All lies of course. Unfortunately he was really good at his game drawing me in day by day. I began (albeit innocently and unintentional) an affair that lasted off and on for approx two and a half years. My therapist has helped me to see that the affair was a way of acting out after many years against the abuse I suffered as a teen. I won't go into all of the details but suffice it to say that I did a lot of pretty STUPID and insensitive things along the way. The relationship soon became abusive and this was somehow familiar to me. In a strange way I felt like I deserved to be treated like crap. I wanted out and tried to get out many times but failed in my attempts. By happenstance my husband found out about the affair. That was six months ago. Of course he was devastated.. I am so thankful to be out of the relationship. The shock and and fear of losing my husband jerked me into a harsh reality. Through therapy I have been able to overcome the sexual fears and issues that have haunted me for my entire adult life. I can finally see "outside of the box" and give my husband the normal sexual relationship and emotional support I was not capable of for so long.

So here we are. My husband says he loves me but can't forgive me for this betrayal. I have absolutely no contact with this other man.don't want to. In fact I hate him for the pain he has caused my entire family. I love my husband more than I ever thought was possible. It is a new deep abiding love that I never knew existed. I am so sorry for the pain I have caused him. Not just for the affaif but for the last 17 years. I love him with all of my heart and I want to make up for all that I have done.

That is in a nutshell my story. I guess what I am asking from the folks that have been there .....
1. Is it possible for him to find forgiveness when he is so hurt and bitter?
2. What can I do to convince him that I am sincere and that I want to make it up to him?
3. Can I ever give him enough compensation to make him feel whole again?

All I want is to give him everything and try to try to soothe some of the pain that I have caused him. He and I are both very stressed and tired. he has been fighting to recover for 6 months now and I am afraid that he just about given up. It is as though the fight has gone out of him. I will hold on and keep fighting for us both if he will let me. I refuse to give up on us as long as he loves me. I believe that as long as he loves me there is hope............

Sorry this was so long. Please if anyone can offer can offer help for us I am certainly willing to listen!

Bunchessorry

It is good you have come here and recognize the problems. I think it will be very very difficult for your husband. The fact that you pushed him away sexually for 17 years and then had this 2 and 1/2 year sexual affair on top of all this will be a very bitter pill for him to swallow. Is he in therapy?
Imagine if the roles had been reversed and then ask yourself what could your husband ever do to regain your trust, love and respect? Right now your husband is one of the walking wounded and is emotionally damaged. Please get him into therapy.
I wish the both of you luck but remember right now he is shock and in great pain.

Bunches,

I have posted to your H quite abit and I am glad that you have come here to post as well. I think you will find many here who will help you. Some may be harsh and a very few may vent at you as you represent their situation. But hang in here for awhile and I think you will find that most people want to help.

You asked </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That is in a nutshell my story. I guess what I am asking from the folks that have been there .....
1. Is it possible for him to find forgiveness when he is so hurt and bitter?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, it is. But, it often takes a lot of time. At 6 months many BS find a deep anger. It is conjectured that this anger finally comes out, because they now know the marriage can make it. They need to vent. In your situation, there is 17 years of frustration to deal with. This will take time and patience on your part and his part.

But, I would suggest to you that you set some boundaries as to his behavior. He shouldn't be abusing you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">2. What can I do to convince him that I am sincere and that I want to make it up to him?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Be honest, be loving, and be consistent and do this for a long time. I cannot think of any other acts that can help like those will.

You need to realize that you cannot make it up to him. Those 17 years and all of the opportunites to love him are gone. Simply gone. You can only seek to make your marriage something you both enjoy in the future. You have now to do things and the future to enjoy it. The past unfortuantely is over, but NOT FORGOTTEN.

Bunches, he will have to come to the same realization as well. But, hopefully, he will realize that his future with you can be something far different than his past with you.

I will say, that one thing you might need to really understand if you don't already. You never invested in your H, that is why you kept him at arms length, used him, and betrayed him. He on the other hand did invest in you. He did his best to be a good father and a good husband. So the betrayal does hurt him in ways you really cannot appreciate. It is usually this way between the BS/WS but it is heightened here because of your dynamics.

Be aware of this and perhaps it will help you show that you are now willing to invest and understand why he is not so willing right now.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
3. Can I ever give him enough compensation to make him feel whole again? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No! is the short answer. You cannot. You can never compensate for what you have taken. But, he will feel whole again eventually, especially if he has the good sense to keep you in his life and you are sincere about your feelings for him and what you did.

Bunches, he will heal. He will have scars. This you probably understand better than most because in a way you went through a similar thing. You were abused and severely damaged emotionally. You did finally heal, but the scars of what you went through are still there.

Your H is going through something that could emotionally cripple him for life or he can heal from it. I think the best you can do is to try and put some balm on his scars so that they heal better and see what he does. He is the one that has to get himself squared away. Just as you were the one that had to do the same thing.

Bunches, I hope you do a lot of reading here. Especially the articles on this site. I think you will gain a greater understanding of what is going on in your life right now. I know you will begin to see how to do your best to help. But, finally, I hope that you can draw strength, patience, and hope from this site.

God Bless,

JL

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> But, I would suggest to you that you set some boundaries as to his behavior. He shouldn't be abusing you. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> But, I would suggest to you that you set some boundaries as to his behavior. He shouldn't be abusing you. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Don't misunderstand............my H has not abused me. Needless to say we have had some heated moments but i would not describe him as abusive.

Thank you for your comments and support

Bunches,

I am not saying he is or was abusing you. My comment really was meant to convey that although you have done something pretty horrible, you don't have to tolerate 'anything', in order to make it work. That is something that many WS's that come here think.

The idea is to rebuild the marriage and it won't happen if one or the other party is being pushed away and beaten down by the other party.

You may not realize this or perhaps you do. Your H does love you a lot or he won't be in the pain he is in. It is really a difficult situation. The self-protection part of him is saying get away, she has hurt you so badly in the past, and the other part of him is saying "but I love her." Part wants things to work out, and another part cannot forgive.

This conflict often causes great pain, and usually then great anger. Anger is a secondary emotion caused by more first order ones such as : pain, fear, self-protection, etc.

So my comment wasn't to make any assessment about his behavior, but to say you haven't forfeited (sp) your right to be treated properly. Does this make sense? I hope so.

I do think that your H will make it. Why? Because it is clear from his posts and yours that he is basically a very good man and he loves his family and yes his wife. He is just having a hard time reconciling all of the feelings and emotions within him, and his self-image. He cannot figure out how to put his feet on solid ground and make a stand, everywhere he steps right now seems to be made of sand.

So do help him, give him time, and have some patience with him. I think he will get himself balanced up in a few more months. I suspect in some ways he feels he has always been second fiddle in your life and some other man has always had a more prominant role in your life than him. He may be right, although the role wasn't postive.

Must go. Have a good weekend.

God Bless,

JL