hi gingersnap, well if he told because he thought someone else was going to tell ,that would be different, but if he told because he decided he did love you ,and wanted to make his marriage work, thats different,iv'e seen you post where he was smothering you with affection, Not here my wife thought it was alright to go off by herself for hours ,up to 5 ,this is how she was with him ,but when I said she should take me, or 1 of the boys ,all I got was ,what I guess I need a babysitter, when I get depressed ,and I do alot, I get quiet, and withdrawn, instead of coming up to me, and maybe saying I love you, or something, she gets mad ,and that only makes it worse ,she created this monster in my mind ,a piece of me died when I found out, but she doesnt seem to want to find ways to make it better, and when I suggest something ,she just gets defensive ,she doesn't want to take any responsibility for what I'm going thru ,I remember the nite I found out ,the very next day ,when we got up, I looked at her, and I started cring ,she had the nerve to ask, why are you cring, I fear if things don't get better ,my mind will win over my heart, cause there won't be any love left, it will finally be totally broken ,I hope in your situation, he did get a guilty concience ,and decided he wanted his marriage to work ,and thats why he told you, well I gotta go ,have an app. with my back dr. to get the offical news of more therapy talk to you later billibob

Hi billibob,

Let me clear something up I did not say he was smothering me with affection just smothering me.He would show up at my work 3or4 times a day call just as many times,it was out of guilt that I know because I don't think he thought I would take the news of his A so hard.Remember in his mind I did not love him therefore I believe he thought when he told me I would kick him out setting him free to move on,but I did not I was so hurt and thats when I think he relized how much I loved him.He stayed in contact with OW for at least 6weeks after he told me maybe a little longer I am not sure.He never sent he a letter or talked to her telling her it was over he just started to ignore her,that made me think he really did not want it to be over.

I do the same thing when the pain is so bad I just shut down,don't talk.We are in the same situation if I try to talk to him he says not this again all you want to do is throw it in my face.As a matter of fact just a few nights ago we ended up in a fight over this me wanting to talk him not he got up and went to the other room to sleep this made me so angry I went in there and told him he was so selfish only thinking of his peace of mind and happiness,walking out on me instead of talking things out.He says he just is so tired of me crying and hurting, like you I would not be like this if it was not for what he did.A lot of me died also,I know just what you are saying.

The mind thing is so hard I try so hard not to think of him with her but it never seems to go away as a matter of fact it seems worse now than when I first found out.I think at first I wanted to prove to him so much that I was better than her that I did anything to make him feel that way.Now every time he touches me I wonder is he comparing me to her,is it me he wants or her.I cant get over it the pain is so intense at times I don't know what to do.

Well I hope your Dr. report is good.
Stay in touch.
How are things today with your W any progress.

hi all, Im still around ,just got back from getting my back evaluated, go to dr. wed., hope he release me to go back to work, but Im scared, cause wed.is the day my wife is off work, and no one will be here.and op lives just down the street, she says she will never take another chance of losing me, and that she will try hard to be the woman I deserve ,but I dont see it,she seems to not want to spend time together, she says she thinks I dont want her around ,but I do,if I didnt ,I would leave, Ive been trying harder, fitting in doing laundry, making the bed doing shopping and other erands that need done, on top of all the other things I do like cooking, cleaning, house and car repairs and alot of other things ,I still get very depressed ,and she always ask if Im mad at her, Im not ,I thank god for every day we're together and for the stength to get thru this, there are days when I feel like just packing a couple of bags ,and leaving but I dont, I have put this in gods inbox, and if we were meant to be than we will make it. all I can do is hope and pray

billibob,

I'm sorry for what you are going through. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

As someone looking in, from the outside, I have a couple of thoughts. Please know that I say these things with sincere kindest.

1 ) "she says she will never take another chance of losing me, and that she will try hard to be the woman I deserve ,but I dont see it,she seems to not want to spend time together,"

Words are easy. Draw a breath & utter a 'sound'. Actions take effort. If there's no effort being taken, then how can you believe the easy words?

2) "she says she thinks I dont want her around ,but I do,if I didnt ,I would leave, Ive been trying harder, fitting in doing laundry, making the bed doing shopping and other erands that need done, on top of all the other things I do like cooking, cleaning, house and car repairs and alot of other things ,"

I think she *knows* you want her around, and is using that fact to manipulate you.

Sounds to me like she's just trying to turn it around onto you, thus putting you on the defensive, & taking the 'heat' off of herself.

3) Were you ever able to find out for sure if it was really the OM's wife that received your email, and replied to you? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

4) Is your wife going to the dr with you on Wed? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Best wishes,

cocoa101

Hey Billibob

I could not believe it when I say your name on the forum I have been wondering about you.
I think what you are going through is just natural it is hard to trust.I feel the same,it is hard to trust that my H really loves me when he chose to have an A.

Things are still hard here I get words but not much action.I told him this that I need to see some action if I am to believe that he loves me and is truly sorry.

I don't know what to tell you except that I know just where you are coming from.

Good luck with your back.
Hope to talk to you soon. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi billibob First of all I want you to know that you are one of a kind. I just finished reading your thread . I have to say that Im sorry you are going through all of this and having medical problems to boot. You and Ginger have given me insight to my own problem with my h. Time is what it takes to make things work after they have gone so bad. I have to say also that you are not the one who should be trying as hard as you are. Your wife is the one who has hurt you, and therefore she needs to realize first of all that you are hurting more than she thinks. I can feel your pain as well as gingers. Ginger I would really like to talk with you. My thread is called when can i start to love again. Please visit my thread . Bill it seems as though your wife is putting you through some guilt trip when it should be her, that is feeling guilty. It has been a year since I found out about my h affair and the pain does get better, but the emotions are there all the time. Some days are better than others, I have two small children and they see what I go through and it is hard to keep your feelings inside all the time. Because of mb I have been able to control my feelings, more. I have learned so much and I feel I am beginning to feel better. I still do not trust my husband but with time I hope to. I would really like for you and ginger to both go and read my thread. Maybe I can help you, and you can help me. After all that is what this site is all about. I hope your back is getting better.I think you deserve some respect from your wife. She needs a wake up call she has one of the few good men and she must know it. I hope to hear from you soon. ginger I also hope and pray that your husband starts to respond to you the way he should. Life is so short, and some people just don't get it. Bill have you asked your wife to get counseling? Im sorry if you have mentioned that I just read so much I dont remember if I saw that in your thread or someone elses. Take care God Bless and hope to hear from you soon. Hurtin

HI billibob waiting to hear from you for an update <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />