Just when I finally started to re-trust again, yet my life falls apart.

My WH of 16 years had an emotional affair (he calls it a friendship) with another woman while he was on a business trip last summer. Upon his return, he continued to call her on OUR cell phone - I discovered it in October. He begged me to forgive him, trust him, and love him, and he swore he would never talk to her again.

After months of working through the situation and seeing a marriage counselor, I felt we were on the road to recovery, but felt like I was doing all the work in the relationship (trying hard to make him feel loved so the situation wouldn’t happen again – I actually felt that I was the guilty one and trying to make it up to him).

Well, for the last couple of weeks he’s been distant and snappy with me. I was cleaning out a pocket looking for a roll of film when I came across a cell phone bill, but it wasn’t in our name, just his. The number was unfamiliar to me and when I looked at the actual bill, every call was to the same woman he met on his trip. Apparently he purchased a new cell phone, a private po box, and a checking account the day after I found out in October. This whole year has been nothing but a lie. And he made me feel like I was overreacting to the situation and needed to deal with my insecurities to make life better . . . . . .right, what a fool I was.

When I confronted him, he was extremely angry, said some mean and hateful things to me, and then I asked him to leave until he could make his three kids and me his top priority in his life. He left in our RV on Tuesday. Contacted has been very limited, except when to see the kids (the kids think he’s at work on a busy project that requires a lot of overtime - which is nothing new). I sent him a Plan B letter and said I couldn’t discuss our future until I can be assured that total separation from this woman has occurred once and for good.

What makes me so upset and angry is that he feels he has done nothing wrong, except made a new friend. He swears nothing sexual has occurred (which I really can’t believe ANYTHING he says now). He feels that this relationship was NOT an affair – he feels an affair is always sexual and I’m overreacting.

We were to have another marriage counseling appointment on Tuesday, which my counselor has told me that she still wants ME to attend for one-on-one counseling. She is very disappointed in him for not only lying to me, but to her.

I can honestly say, I feel like I’m dying inside. He broke my heart in October, and I re trusted again, only to have my heart ripped out this time. What am I suppose to do now?!?!

Steffany

WH - 37
BW - 35
Married - 16 years this month
Kids - three daughters (12, 9, 6)
D-Day #1: October 31st (swore no further contact)
D-Day #2: May 13th (has been in continuous contact since October )

I am SOOOO sorry for your right now. Your letter could have been written by me.
We have been separated since the end of March. I had a gut instinct that something was wrong back in the late fall and earlier this year. I spoke to many of our friends and family about his "depression". He did go to the doctor but didn't tell him anything that was going on. I started counseling on my own and the first session my therepist said he's either on drugs (no way), having an affair (which I said couldn't be going on) or he's depressed...I said BINGO! I even told him that! Two weeks later...WH is in counseling with me. He tell "Keith" aka therepist that he's not depessed he was just "acting that way" to get me off his back!
Two weeks later...he was going away for the week to visit some of his family out of state...our daughter had a tick in her ear and first thing he does is call a "client" of his.....let me say that my mother is a nurse at the hospital and we could have called her to advise us on what to do. This "client" is a nurse also I've been told...I knew then that something else was going on...he left for the week...I went to see "Keith" again and he said again...I think he's having an affair.....this time I agreed. I called his cousin's house where he was on vacation and I told them that "Keith" even agreed with me that he was having an affair. Of course they totally disagreed after "talking" to my WH. Of course he didn't tell them that he had been talking to her and forming a relationship since the winter time he said. He says that nothing sexual has happened and that I'm overreacting. He moved back in with us last weekend and it was wonderful not just for us but for our daughters as well. They just lit up when he said he was moving back in. We agreed that we had a long road ahead and that we needed alot of work......
Well today is Saturday...he moved out last night because he doesn't understand that I'm hurt by this and he said he wont give up this woman...I guess he can give up his family.
Did I mention that something very simalier happened to us 5yrs ago?
I'm going to the Doc on Monday AM to get on some medication...I'm a mess....then we go back to therepy in the afternoon......
I'm not seeing anyone ....and I'm fighting for my family....and he has the nerve to tell me he thinks I'm Bipolar!!!
What is wrong with these men and what is wrong with these other women? Do they have no morals??

Leslie

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by leslieann:
<strong>I am SOOOO sorry for your right now. Your letter could have been written by me.
We have been separated since the end of March. I had a gut instinct that something was wrong back in the late fall and earlier this year. I spoke to many of our friends and family about his "depression". He did go to the doctor but didn't tell him anything that was going on. I started counseling on my own and the first session my therepist said he's either on drugs (no way), having an affair (which I said couldn't be going on) or he's depressed...I said BINGO! I even told him that! Two weeks later...WH is in counseling with me. He tell "Keith" aka therepist that he's not depessed he was just "acting that way" to get me off his back!
Two weeks later...he was going away for the week to visit some of his family out of state...our daughter had a tick in her ear and first thing he does is call a "client" of his.....let me say that my mother is a nurse at the hospital and we could have called her to advise us on what to do. This "client" is a nurse also I've been told...I knew then that something else was going on...he left for the week...I went to see "Keith" again and he said again...I think he's having an affair.....this time I agreed. I called his cousin's house where he was on vacation and I told them that "Keith" even agreed with me that he was having an affair. Of course they totally disagreed after "talking" to my WH. Of course he didn't tell them that he had been talking to her and forming a relationship since the winter time he said. He says that nothing sexual has happened and that I'm overreacting. He moved back in with us last weekend and it was wonderful not just for us but for our daughters as well. They just lit up when he said he was moving back in. We agreed that we had a long road ahead and that we needed alot of work......
Well today is Saturday...he moved out last night because he doesn't understand that I'm hurt by this and he said he wont give up this woman...I guess he can give up his family.
Did I mention that something very simalier happened to us 5yrs ago?
I'm going to the Doc on Monday AM to get on some medication...I'm a mess....then we go back to therepy in the afternoon......
I'm not seeing anyone ....and I'm fighting for my family....and he has the nerve to tell me he thinks I'm Bipolar!!!
What is wrong with these men and what is wrong with these other women? Do they have no morals??

Leslie</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">hey leslie its not all men i have been married for 20 years this aug always faithfull it was her that cheated her only answer to why is i dont know my wifes best freinds husband is very verbally abusive and poss having an affair but she isnt out with other men i love my wife very much and this is the 2nd time she has had an affair i dont know if i can forgive her this time im going to try its been 6 days since i found out she says shes sorry for causing me such pain but i dont know why she didnt think of that before she got started she said the 3rd time i was having sex with him i thought to myself what the h... am i doing i told her why didnt you think that when he asked you and why did you keep going after that i talked to a freind of mine who cheats on his wife and he said its the thrill of someone different not the same thing you get every day something new this has helped some i am very loving sex is great and i kept thinking it was my fault but i dont think it was i think that there are alot of men and women who dont want to leave there happy at home but as my freind said wants to get some strange not thinking of the consequinces if they get caught this is my second marrige my first i divorced when i came home a half day early from work on our 1 year anniversary and caught her in bed with another man there were no kids involved and she didnt want to work it out all i wanted to do is find a woman that would love me for the rest of my life i told my wife about #1 and said that was the only reason i would ever leave her i think it is real hard to find a mate that wont cheat

Leslie:

I’m so sorry for what you are going through. I don’t understand why it seems that the WS feels like they are the victims of the affair, because they got caught and when the BS can’t understand, it’s our fault. I’ve read Surviving an Affair over and over again this past 8 months . . . . if you haven’t read it yet, it does give you a better understanding on affairs. Still, it’s so difficult, especially when you trust your spouse wholeheartedly.

Just an update from my situation. I seen my WS several times this weekend . . . he always seemed to be at the same place I was (coincidence????). He was very kind and friendly. He asked me if he could come back home – it was so hard not to say “YES” and run into his arms - we miss him terribly. But I just told him I needed to think about it. Me and the kids had already planned to visit my sister on Saturday night/Sunday so I told my WS he could come by the house while we were gone. He’s never been home without the kids and me home, so I’m sure it was tough on him.

When we came back home, he wasn’t home. I think I’m going to tell him that we do miss him, but until he can totally separate from this other woman, I can’t pretend live is normal. As soon as total separation has been completed (and can actually prove it), then we will work on “US” by moving back home. This was also said in my Plan B letter to him last week. I know (through some mutual friends) he is working on saving our marriage, and gave me a PO box receipt showing it’s now closed. I am thankful he is working on it, but there is so much more to be done before I can even think about what’s ahead.

I’m counting down the days until I see my marriage counselor individually on Tuesday. She has given me some great advice to “survive” the weekend, and am ready for more guidance.

Thanks for reading . . . . . . it’s nice to come to a place where other’s understand your pain.

Steffany

WH - 37
BW - 35
Married - 16 years this month
Kids - three daughters (12, 9, 6)
D-Day #1: October 31st (swore no further contact)
D-Day #2: May 13th (has been in continuous contact since October )

Have you called the OW? Does she even know he is married?

If it were me, I'd call her and tell her exactly what's been going on. And I'd make sure my counselor is really into accountability--to confront the H's behavior and have him admit responsibility for the affair rather than calling it by some other name. Does your counselor talk to him about the chemical/addiction part of the affair? I'd find a Dr Phil "get real" type therapist to talk to him.

I am so sorry he hurt you again. My H was the world's worst for admitting his behavior - but until he was totally held acountable for it, it didn't change.

I'll be thinking of you.

allforone

Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers. I haven't spoken to my h since Saturday 8AM when he came to get the girls for the day. It's very hard not to call him but I know I'm doing the right thing. I went to the Doc today and he put me on some meds...I'm a mess!
We go tomorrow for counseling...PRAY!!!
This is sooooo hard and I'm so glad I found this site!
Leslie

Allforone:

Yes, I contacted the OW in October (d-day #1). Not only does she know he's married, but told ME that my WH told her we've been having problems for a VERY long time. I was never rude or angry with her, but just wanted to know why. Her reply is that my WH needed a friend.

I once again called her with d-day #2 to let her know I knew this "friendship" was still continuing and that it was unacceptable for my WH to stay in our home while having ANY contact with her. A few days later, I sent her a letter stating that my WH and I wanted to work things out and that she respect his decision of "no contact". That letter should arrive tomorrow.

They both swear it was just a "friendship", but any friendship you have to keep secrets and lies is wrong.

By the way, does anyone have a good article on Emotional Affairs. My WH still doesn't think that this type of "friendship" is an affair.

Thanks . . .

Yeah: Emotional infidelity

Read "Torn Asunder" or "Surviving an Affair" together. They deal with non-physical affairs, too, as well as ways to make your marriage better. I think you would learn a lot by reading the link in my signature line and all the associated links, too, if you haven't seen them already.

The first line is what brought me into your discussion. Its something I have asked myself alot over the past year. Why is that the ones we love the most hurt us the most? Ive been lurking around mb for a month or so trying to see if others had the same thoughts feelings and problems I do. Turns out Im not alone, so first of all know your not alone. Sounds funny coming from someone youve never met or even heard of doesnt it?
YOur story is similar to mine is ways, and the pain is more than you can ever imagine you will have to bear in your life. Mine started out as H didnt know if he wanted to be married any longer. WEnt to stay with mutual friends didnt want parents to know. The mutual friends were divorced yet still living together as her husband had had a A the previous year and my H and myself tried to help her and her kids as much as possible.My first big mistake. Turns out she boots ex out and mine moves into a apt close to her. The whole time they are only friends. WRONG AGAIN! He confessed adn she denied. Did I mention this had been my so called bestfriend of 12 years?
Ive known my H for 20 yrs. Been married 18 in OCT. 2 kids. One business. So yes campers we get to work together (all 3 of us since I gave her job when her marriage failed).Sound familiar to anyone?
I to found seperate cell phone bills after first dday, Po box once he moved back in. in my case I had a great support system being his family.We started church as a family, drew strength from family and the contact continued. Until I told the exH. It all hit fan, comes out she accuses my H of taking advantage and there was nothing there. Not to mention all the lies and posting on her personal profile to me daily which continues to this day 54 weeks after it all first began.
Would be easier if there werent constant reminders daily from kids and peopel in community. See her version has been spread all over. Seems Im the one being accused. I have retaliated in no way. Her child switched to mines school and their lives have been made a living hell. Im at the end my patience. During all of this H has been trying to be everything he should but with these constant reminders its hard. Yes Im on the antidepressants, they help. But I feel like a total fool 3 out 7 days a week. I pray alot. I hope one day people will get tired of being involved in my life and find something better to do. I so want to look at the man who shares my house my bed and my heart with the trust, respect, love I once had. Its a daily battle, but Im fighting because I knew the man before he was convinced he was something all together differant. IM sorry seems I got off the subject and rattled on.
i want you to know one day , I dont know when or ow if its there you can find the love you look for.

Steffany,
Do I have a great book for you to share with your WS!! The book is called "Emotional Infidelity, how to Affair-Proof Your Marriage." It's by M. Gary Neuman. A little example from the book: "When we think "affair," we think sex. Sex outside the marriage can be a knife through a spouse's heart. But an emotional affair can be just as dangerous to a marriage, and often a more complicated situation to remedy. When a spouse places his or her primary emotional needs in the hand of someone outside the marriage, it breaks the bond of marriage just as adultery does." (Page 26, Emotional Fidelity...). "You have only so much energy. If you're spending it with coworkers or outside the home and then getting home and feeling too tired to spend any more on your spouse, that's emotional infidelity. You're effectively relocating vital marital energy into the hands of others. Forget about where it might end up. Even if you never touch this other person, you have still used that person to relate to, and in doing so you relate away from your spouse." (Pg. 28, Emotional Fidelity...) Hopes this helps some! I'm sure you're WS probably won't find it as "helpful"!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Steffany,
Do I have a great book for you to share with your WS!! The book is called "Emotional Infidelity, how to Affair-Proof Your Marriage." It's by M. Gary Neuman. A little example from the book: "When we think "affair," we think sex. Sex outside the marriage can be a knife through a spouse's heart. But an emotional affair can be just as dangerous to a marriage, and often a more complicated situation to remedy. When a spouse places his or her primary emotional needs in the hand of someone outside the marriage, it breaks the bond of marriage just as adultery does." (Page 26, Emotional Fidelity...). "You have only so much energy. If you're spending it with coworkers or outside the home and then getting home and feeling too tired to spend any more on your spouse, that's emotional infidelity. You're effectively relocating vital marital energy into the hands of others. Forget about where it might end up. Even if you never touch this other person, you have still used that person to relate to, and in doing so you relate away from your spouse." (Pg. 28, Emotional Fidelity...) Hope this helps some! I'm sure you're WS probably won't find it as "helpful"!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Oops! Not only did I repeat my reply, I repeated the book title wrong in my quotes both times! It is "Emotional Infidelity". Sorry about that! Don't know how to use spell check in this format!

Thank you for the great reference books. Well it's been 9 days since I found out about D-Day #2 and 9 days since I ask my WH to leave until he can make us his priority.

We've had good and bad days. We're talking and he's spending the evening hours with us, but as soon as anything is brought up, he gets mad and goes to his RV in some little trailer park.

He has worked on "US" by closing out his PO Box, cancelling his private cell phone and showing proof with it. The only thing he doesn't want to do is write her a letter "officially" ending the "friendship". He says I'm oversteping my boundries. He states he ended it on the phone the day after I found out (May 14) and that was it, they both agreed it was over. But I want proof and no doubt in my WH or OW's mind that this is it. He can't understand why I want peace of mind, so he's keeps stating "I have to think about that". I told him I can't believe that this small request is the only thing holding him back from moving home to be with his family, but once again, he feels I'm asking too much.

So my question is this, am I asking too much. I trusted him last time that the relationship was over in October (and it wasn't). So I want sometype of proof or official closure, but he says I'm demanding unrealistic things . . . am I?

Steffany

No you are not wrong in needing proof. But keep in mind there will be times that all the proof in the world will not remove the doubts.He has to understand that he has to give you not only proof but reassurance. Its a long struggle,and to you it seems simple. But for some reason the H doesnt have a clue. It slike they said they are sorry they said its over. Now enough move on. It takes time but they will learn the importance of things to you.Mine didnt do a letter, he calle dbut that didnt stop it until I got on conference call. What a day. i still have days of doubt, but Im prayng it will end with his help. Good luck, you need friends during this time. Feel free to find me anytime, Im good at listening (reading) and am going thru much of the same with not only myself but several others.Bless you

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He has worked on "US" by closing out his PO Box, cancelling his private cell phone and showing proof with it. The only thing he doesn't want to do is write her a letter "officially" ending the "friendship". He says I'm oversteping my boundries. He states he ended it on the phone the day after I found out (May 14) and that was it, they both agreed it was over. But I want proof and no doubt in my WH or OW's mind that this is it. He can't understand why I want peace of mind, so he's keeps stating "I have to think about that". I told him I can't believe that this small request is the only thing holding him back from moving home to be with his family, but once again, he feels I'm asking too much.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sorry Steffany, this means he is NOT committed and, in my experience, still having contact. The boundary story is typical WS reasoning.

Keep it up! God Bless.

Hi, Steffany,

No, you do not have FOOL written on your forehead. However, it seems that your H has "SIMPLY JUST DOESN'T GET IT" written on his!

Your story mirrors mine in so many ways. The separate cell phone account just so he and out-of-state OW could communicate. The emails. The two-way pager. The separate bank account in THEIR name supposedly set up so that they could make direct deposit payments on his 2002 Ford Escalade--which also happens to be in THEIR joint names. Needless to say, I unleashed my fury on my WH about his deception and his double life. Of course, I get the "it's not what you think it is" speech. Whatever! Talk to the hand, honey, because I'm not buying it! With him, being incarcerated, it gave me an opportunity to get to the bottom of matters. With each discovery, I did ask him--sometimes gently; sometimes angrily. It was as if he didn't want to get it that by doing this, he allowed another person to infiltrate a relationship where there should only be TWO people. Oh, and he had this person's vehicle on the auto insurance that he whined about being sooooo expensive every month. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I think what I find more offensive and outrageous than his PA is the EA he had with her, as well as his outrageously creating financial obligations with her. No wonder this heifer was running around bragging that she was his fiancee! One of our friends emailed her for weeks letting her know that WH was, in fact, married. She didn't want to believe it. She even went so far as to send me an email (she got my email address when this friend mistakenly c.c.'ed the email she sent her) demanding to know what my "vested interest" was in my own H. The arrogance! The gall! The balls! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> I sent this tramp a return email--and c.c.'ed my H--letting her know that she didn't know me; I didn't know her. However, if she attempted to communicate with me again, I would hunt her down in Ohio (I hate that state now) and destroy her. It would have been very simple to do since I now had her email address, home address and home phone number. I meant it. Of course, my WH acted as if I were the bad guy. Said he was all about "moving forward" and didn't want to create a circus. Evidently, he conveniently forgot that he BROUGHT the circus into our marriage--not me.

I had to laugh at your H's apparent outrage at you overstepping your "boundaries." I'm sure you didn't realize that he had such a sense of "humor" until now. I'm in the middle of reading Surving an Affair, and his defensive and belligerent behavior is pretty typical.

I'm sorry that you are going through this. I'm glad that you are seeing counselor for yourself, and that the counselor has been able to help you process this and try to get through it.

Well, it looks like I might be moving to the "RECOVERY" board - hopefully this time for good.

My WH has agreed to write a letter to the OW and let me mail it explaining to her that no further contact will ever happen. We had some great conversations this weekend and explained to him that if things work out with us, there will NOT be a 3rd chance - EVER! He agreed. I also told him he needed to make me fall back in love with him (I do love him, but can't stand what he did to us).

He took me out on a date on Saturday night and we hade a great family BBQ on Monday. He's been constantly saying "I love you", "I'm so sorry" and complementing me all weekend. (I know it's the honeymoon period of this mess, but it sure helps my ego) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

So things are looking better. My councelor reminded me to not let my guard down and always have the upperhand in the situation (don't take the blame). This is difficult for me since I'm not the dominate type.

Thank you all for your kind words and help. I know we have along road ahead, but I feel I am a strong person and whatever life gives me, I can survive.