Sorry this is so long. I don't really know where to start. I have been reading posts here for several months and have taken a lot of the advice given, but things seem to keep going around in circles for me. My problems started a couple of years ago: H was not coming home until the wee hours of the morning after saying he was going to the store or after work; he became mean and totally irrational; emotionally and verbally abusive - all of which was TOTALLY out of character. Up until then, I thought that we had a very good relationship. If anyone had ever told me he would act this way I would have laughed in <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> his or her face. At this point, I attributed it all to his health; he had diabetes, heart failure, and had just been told he was in the early stages of kidney failure and sexual disfunction, etc. at 40). I thought he was angry with the world and feeling lesser of a man and that I was the convenient one to vent his anger on. It got so bad that I consulted a divorce attorney; filed papers for child support; put the house up for sale; and looked and signed a contract on a new home. I even started to prepare the boys for their parents not living together. We went to marital counseling (at his suggestion). It was like living with a total stranger, but I loved him enough to continue to try to work it out. I tried to assure him that I would love him no matter what and that I took my marriage vows very serviously. Things got better for about 6 months. His family told me how distraught he was had the thought of me leaving him. I was OK. Never once did it occur to me that he was involved with anyone else. Then he started the same cycle, but this time sex was non-existent whereas before he would at least try, but I couldn't get past the hurt, and would deny him. Then one day I came home early and the phone rang. When a I answered, a woman said "wrong number" and hung up. I then went the the mailbox and his cell phone which was in his car rang and when I picked it up, the same number showed on caller ID. I checked the house phone again and saw that the same number had called at least twice before. Confronted him and said it was a friend, had known her for about a month; someone he could talk to since he couldn't (more like wouldn't)talk to me, and that he had done no more than hugged her in greeting. Admitted that he was "talking" to her during some of his "absences". Things snowballed from this point; much time unaccounted for, continued to receive calls from this woman and a couple of others. By now I was checking his cell phone, checkbook, etc. and would confront him whenever her number or the others would pop up. He always had an excuse. (Later found out she lived across the street from his best friend and had recently separated from her husband.) Things would get better for a while and then I would find evidence that she was still around or of another lie. It got to the point where he refused to discuss anything related to her because he had repeatedly assured me that he was not interesred in her and that I had nothing to worry about; he had never cheated on me. But I continued to catch him in lies (he felt they were for my own good since he knew how upset I would get at this point). Sex is non-existent by this point but he was still refilling his viagra prescription (says and I somewhat confirmed that he was selling or giving them to friends and relatives). Things really escalated when I caught him coming out of her house one afternoon when I could not reach him by phone and had to get something important from him. I cried and begged him to tell me what was going on; he in turn gave me the cold shoulder and said my tears did not move him; that he was not going to let me manipulate him as I was trying to do. Talk about a slap in the face...He tried a go out later that night, but I hid his keys, he then really let loose with the emotional and then verbal abuse only to tell me the next day that he didn't mean any of it and had only said those things because he was upset. I had intended to leave him at this point and he asked me to stay and stupid me did. From that point on he has refused to discuss anything personal after saying that the OW had issues and that he was just being a friend to her and when I asked him not to see her, he refused because he felt I did not a right to dictate who his friends were. Obviously, her friendship meant more that I did...yes I am still there and do not know why. I want my marriage, but I want some time and attention..he is such a wonderful friend to her and others but refuses to listen to me or discuss my problems. IThings are find as long as I "don't go there" I'm still not sure if he is cheating; that it's his health and denial...I think that I am a reminder of his limitations and that is why he keeps distancing himself from me me. OW even went as far as to tell me one time (yes, I met her..she happened to almost be a teacher's aide my kids school and suddenly was popping up everywhere I went)that he had issues and that maybe he was feeling lesser of a man. It hurt even more that he could discuss this with her and not with me. She said that she had given him advice on how to make things better, but that he was very stubborn and said he wasn't going to do a damn thing, which is pretty much what has been going on for the past year. He is the type of guy that everyone likes and that you never hear anything bad about. He likes playing the "role model", coaches several youth sports team (he's an excellent father), is the favorite relative,in-law, good friend, etc. I have read all the Venus, Mars books, etc. and have tried to give him space, be understanding etc. But in the meantime I am losing myself...I can't deal with the fact that I am living a lie. I feel like I have been giving him permission to treat me anyway he wants to. I need resolution!!! We are not the happy couple. We had a bad experience at counseling the last time, so he refuses to go. There are times when I know he is genuinely trying to make thing better. I know he loves me, but most of the time I don't think he is in love with me. I try to rely on my faith, but sometimes I feel like such a fool and that he is "getting over" on me. We do the "family thing" very well and I think that is what he wants to hold on to more than me. There is no trust and he says that part of the reason he won't discuss these issues is because he has told me before and I don't believe him; I'm constantly snooping (he has since put locks of the cell phone, doesn't use the house phone, and keeps all personal items at work., but the internet is a handy tool!) I truly don't know what to do anymore, everytime a back off as others have advised, I catch him in another lie. Its the lying and lack of trust that hurt the most and make everything he does suspicious. His lack of interest in sex could very well be medical (he always says he doesn't feel good, when I ask) but the lies make me wonder...I know rattling on and on...please help!!!

jgurl,
I am sorry for your situation. I don't have any words of wisdom other than to continue with an outlet for your feelings. I have recently found MB and it is nice to have support. When you find some time search through the other postings. I have found them to help.
Unsure

Thanks Unsure!
I think more than anything, I need someone unbiased to listen to me. I've read your posts and a lot of what you are going thru sounds familiar. I realized the other day that trust is our major problem right now. I wanted to talk about it Sunday, H said it was too late, yesterday morning H said we would talk last night, last night he said later that night, later that night H said tomorrow at lunch, today at lunch it will get put off again, I'm sure. I'm just tired of the cycle. If I give him a ultimatum, I'm trying to control him or make him do or say something...what do you do when he refuses to communicate....!!!???

jgurl,
Good luck communicating at lunch. I hope that you both can be honest with what is going through your heads. H is still avoiding honesty about anything. So I am trying not to harp on it, but I will not let it just drop so he can feel that he has done nothing to hurt me. I am trying plan A. I read an article on MB called "What Are Plan A and Plan B?" (it's in the article section). Keep us posted on how it is going.
unsure

Unsure,

There was no conversation <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> ...trying a new approach, I invited him out to lunch (he was relunctant to go at first)it was enjoyable, but I didn't feel a public place was appropriate for such an inimate conversation. On the way home, I told him that we would talk later and that I was going to keep bringing up the same old things; he agreed. Well, later (after a good day <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> )I thought that maybe it was not necessary; he had been trying lately, I had really noticed a difference. We had a good evening and went to bed. He turned away from me initially and then reached over to hold me, but made no attempt at anything else. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> I asked him if then was a good time to talk and he told me no, I had had plenty of opportunity to talk that day and hadn't and now he was tired <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> Of course this really upset me. I asked why did I, his wife, have to make an appointment to talk to him, but he could always be available for everyone else? Was it a power thing, did he like trying to control me like that? Was he enjoying this? He just turned over and pretended to go to sleep. I cried, he ignored me, no comfort, nothing... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> Where do you draw the line...I need comforting, I need a mate that I can talk to when I am upset; someone that is interested in me, my feelings, problems, etc. He can't or refuses to be that person. I don't want to leave him, but I need my emotional, if not physical needs to be met. My "appointment" to talk has been "rescheduled" for this afternoon, but whereas before I looked on having this discussion as something very positive, now I think that it is probably going to be a waste of time... <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> Am I just fooling myself thinking that this situation could ever get better? Everything is fine as along as I don't discuss our relationship or problems. My kids (2 boys, 9 & 11) are at a very good point in their lives right now: my younger son finally rode a bike yesterday after being afraid to in the past. My older son who has had some learning disabilities and confidence issues is doing wonderfully and will be making the transition to middle school next year. They went through a really rough time when our problems started a couple of years ago and I would hate to set them back now...