have just spent the lsat 2 days reading the entire MB website. I need some advice on what to do. My Husband and I are married 16 years with 2 kids (11 and 7). We had worked together for 13 years. in 2/03, right after our anniversery, my husband fired me from work because I told him that I was hurt when he said his new employee (who also happened to be his sister), could do my job 100% after only 2 months and I was only at 60% after many years. Well, that started quite a lot of conflict in our house. It lead to us taking separate vacations over spring break ( I took ou rkids we me) because the fighting was so bad. Prior to the vacation, my H was saying that we needed to go see a mediator to work out a separation. Over the vacation, I decided that this fighting is doing no one any good and we must try to work things out. I bought lots of books re how to improve marriage on your own (such as showing appreciation verbally and other ways, trying to identify his emtional need and fill them, acting as if you liked your spouse, setting up dates for us, etc). It seemed as if things were going much better and then 2 events occured. First, my H took care of refinancing our mortgage and put all of the paperwork (mortgage plus title to our house) in his name. I was tremendously upset that he did this and insisted the papers be redone in both names. He said this showed a failure of my trust in him!! Then the second thing was a movie about adultery. He has definitely been acting differently since our separate vacations. He started getting to work early (rather than 45 minutes late as was his habit), talking on the phone only outside so no one could hear him and only on his cell phone), and being very vague about his whereabouts when not at work or staying at work must longer than he needed to be. There are other things as well, like all of a sudden putting his clothes in the laundry room (on the night we saw the movie about adultery) when he never has for the last 18 years. Anyway, seeing this movie made him squirm in his seat (it was a foreign Fatal Attraction type story). Needless to say, I think chances are good that he is having an affair. Could there be an innocent explanation for this?

Anyway, my question is this. Somedays he seems to be in the "Conflict" state of mind, saying I am responsible for his unhappiness. He tells me he feels anxious around me, and that he cannot emotionally trust me because I have hurt him in the past. Other days, he seems in withdrawal, where he says he has done everything for this relationship (altho he can't say what that is) and that we need to discuss separation this summer. Can anyone help me? Should I continue trying to fill his needs? Should I ask about his suspicious behaviors? Or will this just confirm in his mind that I am not trustworthy for questioning him and "crazy" (what he likes to say whenever I bring up a behavior of his that is not acceptable, etc. I was thinking that perhaps if I truly apologized for the hurts that I have caused and asked forgiveness and outlined by plans for changing my part of the behavior that has lead to this, that might help. Or will it fall on deaf ears at this point? P

Hi DIM,

I'm sorry you are going through a rough time.

Can he legally refinance and change the title without you signing off? I know where I live, neither one of us can make those changes without the other one signing off. Such as a couple of years ago, we took out a second mortgage, H's credit was not good, so they would only do it in my name, because I was using the house as collaterol, H had to sign the papers acknowledging this, and consenting to it. Same with the title, if either one of us wanted to take the other off, they would have to quit claimed or papers would have to be signed by both of us removing one. I owned part of the house I grew up in before I married my H. My brother was making the payments on it, I never took any financial responsibility towards the house. My brother wanted to refinance the loan and purchase the house, by this time I was married to my H. so my brother could do this, my H had to sign off of the house, even though my name and not H's was no the title. Because we married, H legally in my state had an interest in the home. (Not trying to stir up trouble, it may be legal in Md to do it the way your H did it).

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">First, my H took care of refinancing our mortgage and put all of the paperwork (mortgage plus title to our house) in his name. I was tremendously upset that he did this and insisted the papers be redone in both names. He said this showed a failure of my trust in him!! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">IMHO, this is not a trust issue, it is a respect issue. If my H attempted something like this, he would be showing me tremendous disrespect. (I would also take his butt to court and have it changed, at least the title part).

Do you feel comfortable confronting him? If he admits to it, do you want your M to work? If he denies it, (which he may), are you prepared to accept it? Do you feel you need proof before you confront? When a spouse suspects an A, you really need to do some hard thinking about what you want, what are you prepared to hear, and what is the worst outcome you are prepared for. Financially, are you prepared for a separation? You might want to consult a lawyer before you confront, just to know where you stand legally. Sometimes a confrontation, WS, then will leave, blaming you, because you did not trust them. You need to be ready for the worst when you confront. (just my opinion)

Ask, and if he denies, snoop. It walks like a duck...

You might want to start Plan A in any event, since he is definitely in withdrawal, and Plan A is also used to bring someone out of withdrawal. See: What Are Plan A and Plan B? and Zorweb on Plan A and Cerri on Plan A I'm not sure the blaming behavior you describe really falls under the "conflict" category - more like justification for his withdrawal. You should always apologize for any hurts past or present as you become aware of them - that is just common courtesy that ANYONE deserves. What he does should not affect that at all.

Go with your gut..and there is nothing we can do to help you with the discovery, only the recovery. Keep us posted.