ok so it has been about 2 weeks since all of this has started. He swears there was no sex at all or touching that all the did was talk. She came over 4 or 5 times and all they did was talk. She has moved and quit where she was working with him ( I confirmed this too) but I just cant get past all this. How do I get over the initial hurt, pain and resentment to even see if I can accept this or move on. I am taking my 6 yo son to Virginia this weekend and he will be there for a month and a half and I will make my decision then if I am going to pack up my stuff and leave so I dont have to put him through all of that. I am just so so confused on everything!

waterspirit,I am very sorry for your pain I know the first few weeks after finding something like this out are the hardest. I am still in the beginning of my recovery and I don't know that I really have too much advise to give but I would like to say this. My H first said there was no sex and then just once and then he finally said they had sex two times but they did not have sex the first night he was there like that was suppose to make everything ok. Well anyway it is not just the sex it was the three months of talking before they met in person that also hurts me it is the words he said to her the pet names they called each other that to is real pain. I think you need to ask yourself do I love my husband? I know that seems simple but as for me I always said if my H ever had a A I would leave him but when all is said and done through all my pain and heart ache the bottom line is I love my husband so it must be worth the work to save my marraige.

see I am just afraid that he wont tell me about the sex part because he knows that I would be gone, or assumes that I would be gone. Yeah I told myself that same thing I would be out of here. I giess people can be judgemental til it happens to them. I am just not sure if I can deal with all of the lies, that hurts me the worst and now because of that I can't trust at all what he tells me and I almost have to assume that they did have sex even though he says he didnt. I do love him but I am not sure if that is enough. People love each other all the time but can't make it right. Things have been bad for us all around for the past year and he is manic depressive on top of all this and I need to ask myself what about my happiness???

The WayWard person will ALWAYS deny something more was going on .......even if they are basically caught red handed. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Its so ridiculas its not even funny.

My EX said no bringing anyone else around the kids during our separation. Well, my son told me that mommy and "larry" took me to eat last night. When I confronted my EX about it, she denied it. Even though my son was 6 and of course would not lie. Anyhow, now the EX is on/off again with this "larry". What a joke.

that is so funny like a 6 yo would make up a fictional person named Larry to go out to eat with him mom and him...geez I just dont know how people can just lie and lie and lie. It is almost funny when you know they are lying and they know you know they are lying but still do it.

Waterspirit, your uncertainty is very normal. I know that I had always told myself that infidelity was a deal-breaker for me. Hmmm . . . it's very easy to say that until it actually happens to you. I can even recall feeling contempt for high-profile people who chose to work on their marriages in this situation. Again, it's very easy to be judgmental of someone else's situation until you find yourself in that situation. Isn't it funny how the rules change?

Keep in mind that dishonesty is needed in order for A's to work. Not only will they look you in the eye and lie, they will even try to convince you that YOU'RE the crazy one! I also love it when they get offended because--get this--you no longer trust them. Imagine that! My WH not only denied that sex took place (notwithstanding a page he received from out-of-state OW where she said she couldn't wait to see him AGAIN so that she could [expletive omitted] his brains out). What I found particularly infuriating is that whenever we "talked" about it, he would say something like, "I know you're upset about what you THINK happened." I can't stand it when people play mind games with me! Well, while he was incarcerated in April, all of his little skanks started coming out of the woodwork. Of course, they were ALL trying to set poor little him up! Or, even better, they were all delusional. Isn't it strange how they choose to get involved with OP's who are delusional, stupid, liars, trampy, slutty, etc.? Now, if the OP's are all those things, you can't help but find WS's taste in the opposite sex highly suspect!

yeah and then it makes me think ok if you like that kind of person OMG what about me does that mean I am THAT kind of person, no way! Then the low self esteem comes in which I have already for no reason at all. I want to try so hard to just move on and for once both of us try to save this marriage but I am way to scared to even do that.

I can totally relate to the fear of wanting to try again. My IC and I are having that discussion now. I have to constantly remind myself that I didn't get in this to fail. I realize that I have the power to simply walk away and not look back. However, I don't think I could forgive myself if I walked away when there is still a chance. This is particularly so when WH has made it very obvious that he wants this marriage and says that he is excited about working on it. Well, nothing worth having is going to come easy. I am definitely gun shy about getting my heart broken again. However, it's the risk that I'm willing to take. I know this isn't going to be easy and we can take it one day at a time. However, we are making plans to travel and vacation together this summer. We are both very optimistic and end every evening phone call in prayer.

As for that question you asked, I think this is the beauty of it. Popular media (movies, romance novels, etc.) glamorize adultery and would lead you to believe that the OP's are always more attractive, more loving, more this, more that. Well, when you're in the grip of a fantasy, I guess it's easy to see it that way. But, what happens once the scales have been removed from the WS's eyes? All of a sudden, this person who was more attractive, more loving, more this and more that isn't looking so hot anymore. In the glare of broad daylight (the revelation of the A), the WS and OP start to see the warts. The A will definitely do a number on your self-esteem. One thing that I'm discovering are the number of WS's who wake up and wonder what in the world they ever saw in the OP.

waterspirit, I know it is hard to trust I do not trust my H right now and he tells me how that hurts him but he also understands that he has no one to blame but himself after all one of the reasons he was able to get away with having the A was because I trusted him so much the signs were there but I would say no he is just not that type he would never do that to me he would not hurt me that way. This is the area in my recovery I believe that will be the longest in overcoming. As for your happiness it is true you need to be happy were you happy before the A were the problems so bad that you could not fix them? We were having problems too but I just took it with a grain of salt and tried to give him his space I know now that I should not have done that but we had always worked things out in the past. I think if he would not have met this person we would have worked through everything but he got himself involved with her and the fantasy of a perfect life leaving the old and everything bad for all that is good we know that by doing that it would create a whole new set of problems but at the time they do not see that. I had to ask what would make me happy and I chose to work it out I love my H and could not imagine life without him in it and that is were we had to begin it has not been easy and I still get angry and I still cry but every day is getting a little better.