Tonight is the night we have planned to have a talk. Going to ask all the questions, the whole truth. Nervous enough about that.
He called from work at noon and said he wouldn't be home for lunch because he is too busy to take a lunch. I call back an hour later, and guess what they told me. He is still out for lunch. What? He must be with her or am I going crazy? At the very least he just lied to me. I wanted to take the car this afternoon and he only works 5 min. away. Now I am having severe anxiety, I feel like vomiting. And we made great love last night.
Any replies here so I don't feel so alone right now would help. thanks

That is the kinda thing I was afraid of by going back to my WW. The trust, not knowing, worring about something that may or may not be happening. Too much drama sometimes. Sorry to hear what you are going through. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Been there, done that, got the shirt, etc.

Going to ask all the questions, the whole truth.
Expect lots of mumbo-jumbo talk. Every one will be confused within minutes... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Mumbo-jumbo talk, that's what I'm afraid of. If I don't feel like I'm hearing the whole truth I don't know what I will do.
I called him at work again, he said he went to get a coffee. Well why couldn't he have brought me the car?I want to believe him but I've heard so many lies before. Can one appear to be trying so hard and tell you he loves you a dozen times a day and still be in contact with the OW. If he is he'd better own up to it tonight. This marriage can not repair itself on lies.
I just don't know what is the truth anymore. I question every little thing, I feel like I am going crazy.

Even if the ws is 100% remorseful and willing to everything humanly possible to make it better, it is still difficult for them. You're nervous about asking a few honest questions. Think about how it is for them after having lied to the one they love(d) and betrayed everything they believed in (at one time).

Go easy on yourself. Go easy on him.

Thank Chris

I just got SAA a few days ago and have been reading. I am very good at not LBing. Even when he confessed I stayed calm and told him he really screwed up but together we would work past it. But I have always done all the talking, now I need to hear him talk. I plan to remain calm about it but just hope to hear the truth. The more I think back the more I think there was alot more to the A. He took her on an outing with my kids and took my kids to her cafe more than once. What does that say? and just a couple of weeks ago he went to her cafe with my S&D and got himself a coffee(she wasn't there but she could have been). That set me right back again. Why on earth would he want to run into her?
I'm so scared of what might be going on in his head even though he's trying to show me love at home.

<small>[ May 21, 2003, 01:38 PM: Message edited by: prayingmantis ]</small>

"Go easy on yourself. Go easy on him"

PM - This is very good advice from a MB veteran, you should try to follow his advice if you can manage. Just try to keep in mind that your WH is dealing with a addiction, like someone with a drinking problem. That's no excuse, rather it's your reality.

I'm a D'd BS and my biggest regret after finding out about her A involves the amount of time (basically a year) that passed before I gained control of my emotions enough to effectively deal with the issues. Those major LB's that most BS's fire off will really hamper recovery, even though they're COMPLETELY understandable.

I've been around these forums for quite awhile, and the success stories I've read about almost always involve a BS that was able to gain control of their emotions enough to work through things with the WS. Good luck to you and god bless your family!

well, we had the talk and once again I did all the talking. I did not LB. Yes, I understand he feels bad but I still don't believe in my heart I know the whole truth. do I need the whole truth. My biggest concern is him lying about talking to her since D-day. Him going near her store.
So once again the conversation is all about him. "it doesn't matterwhat i say, you'll never believe me. I'm going to pay for this the rest of my life."
Any advice on what I am facing?
Will it all just go away in time?

prayingmantis,

I'm so very sorry for what you are going through. Your pain and anxiety reminds me so much of my own experience just under 1 year ago... asking the questions, wondering if he's lying etc. The REALLY hard part is realizing that they COULD be telling the truth, but you will really never know.

Has your H ever read the info in the website? My FWH did shortly after d-day and it helped tremendously. He was able to get some direction about the emotions that were running sooooo high, understand what we both were going through, the importance of no contact, etc.

The ABSOLUTE best advice I can give you is a really fabulous Plan A. Go to the site and read up on it, then post to that particular board for advice tailored to your situation. If your H is still seeing OW (BIG no no)Plan A is going to get him to see that you are capable of moving on with or without him. Primarily it's about strengthening yourself, and making you more appealing to you H.

don't expect (whole) truth
rather half(?) of it
less dissapointments...

wanting to know the truth, all of it as hurtfull as it will be is a catch 22 on one hand it may help to answer your questions and on the other it will build feelings of even more anger and resentment....at least this was the case for me. and after 8 months into recovery i am still finding out new things because he was not completely honest about everything right from the get go.....this is the hardest part of the honesty talk.....all the left out details....if he is going to tell you everything make sure its everything there is nothing like being blindsided month after month with slip ups.....it makes recovery endless...good luck to you!!!!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The ABSOLUTE best advice I can give you is a really fabulous Plan A. Go to the site and read up on it, then post to that particular board for advice tailored to your situation. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If your H is still seeing OW (BIG no no)Plan A is going to get him to see that you are capable of moving on with or without him. Primarily it's about strengthening yourself, and making you more appealing to you H.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Err, no. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Actually, it's all about the WS and negotiating an end the affair. Cerri's post on this was great, and I'm just going to summarize:

- Don't LB.

- Try to meet emotional needs.

- Be honest about how much the affair hurts you. (Without LBing. Just say it: "Honey, your affair hurts me badly and I want you to end it." And then change the subject.)

- Expose the affair. Tell your parents. Tell your friends. Tell your WS's friends. Tell the affair partner's friends and family. But do it VERY gently. Something along the lines of: "I really love WS a lot. I'm committed to our marriage, and want it to succeed. The hard part is that he/she is having an affair with [affair partner's name] and that hurts me very, very badly. I really want our marriage to survive. Do you have any thoughts, or is there anything you can do to help?"

Yes, go read up on it on the web site, and in Cerri's long thread, where she put her post about it.

forgive me if I gave any inaccurate advice. I haven't found it neccessary to Plan A until a year into recovery, so this is a concept I'm very new to and have received tons of different advice on the subject.

any additional Plan A advice would be greatly appreciated and it would be great if prayingmantis and I could get our guidance at the same time!

Plan A is for when your spouse is having an affair. Plan A is learning yourself, how your actions affect a relationship and fulfilling the needs of your spouse.

Read the links in my signature line below.

Thanks for all the advice.
I've done a good job at not LBing. Tried to explain to him that I am hurt and I needed to know how it happened, how it all evolved. He say's "it just happened, that's all. I don't remember specifics."

I know that he has talked to her since because I asked him what she said about the letter I gave her and he told me she felt bad and felt like an idiot. Well that was 2 weeks post D-day and he said he hadn't talked to her except the next day to tell her I knew and it was over. So he says "It doesn't matter what I say, you'll never believe me, I'm going to pay for this the rest of my life."
And the day he went to her cafe with my kids, he says"I walked by first to make sure she wasn't there." Duh, there are other stores and coffee shops just as close, why did he have to go there? It just doesn't make sense. He says its over. I can't prove otherwise. So do I just try real hard to trust him and move on? It is so hard.

I didn't get upset with him even though his defensiveness was hurting me. I understand how he would not want to tell me details but he doesn't understand that I am filling in the blanks myself. Maybe in time my mind will stop but I don't know how.

I bought Surviving an Affair and as of last night left it on the table to see if he will read. I hesitate to ask him to read these forums in case he gets upset and defensive.

<small>[ May 22, 2003, 04:15 PM: Message edited by: prayingmantis ]</small>

I bought Surviving an Affair and as of last night left it on the table to see if he will read. I hesitate to ask him to read these forums in case he gets upset and defensive.
Don't ask him to read the forums. don't try to educate him on all this. The best way to do it is to do it yourself & SHOW him the changes. Don't point them out.

Leaving the book out is okay. Perhaps not such an obvious place. Your nightstand/dresser is okay. Don't be too anxious for him to "get it."

O.k. so the book is beside my bed now.
I'm doing my best to show love and accept his. I do love him and want so much to trust him. Even though we seem to be connecting well I still feel like I want to cry all the time. I just go on though like normal but with all this sadness inside. We make love and its wonderful but I roll over and cry quietly after. Its all about the stuff in my own mind. I just wish he would tell me what I want to know so that I can put it to rest. I know he sees the sadness on my face but what do I say when he asks me whats wrong? I can't keep bringing it up and I don't. That's why last night was arranged so that we could talk but I'm not satisified with the results of the talk. Once again I did all the talking and all the crying. Should I just forget about the truth and try to stop my mind from spinning in all directions?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know that he has talked to her since because... [etc.]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If he's telling you all that stuff, it ain't over. Not by a long, long, LONG shot. You are, and should be, in Plan A.

When does Plan A (or Plan B if you get there) end? When he decides to have no contact (none at all) with the OW. And when he's willing to prove it to you, complete with phone records, e-mail passwords, and a complete schedule of where he's going to be when, that you can check on.

Trust is not something you give to a person in your H's position right now. Not because you don't love him, but because this is an addiction. Addicts have an almost impossible time controlling their cravings, and the craving for the OW will be very very strong.

So what do you do? You DON'T start with telling him to prove that it's over.

First, give the Harleys or or Penny Tupy (www.saveyourmarriagecentral.com) a call. Get professional help you can trust.

Then see your doctor. Get yourself on an anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medication even if you don't think you need it.

While you're doing those two things, keep focusing on not LBing, and keep focusing on saying that it hurts you when he goes to her cafe, or when he does other things that may bring him into contact with her. DON'T get all freaked out and teary eyed. Just say it calmly and have something else available to talk about afterwards. Something neutral or cheerful. ("I'm going to make a snack. Do you want one?" "I'm going to go out and mow the lawn now." Whatever.)

And after all that (Make a schedule to get it done! Try for a week or less!), then you can focus on asking for proof that it's over.

Okay, first off, none of this is going to be easy. It’s okay to break down sometimes. Try to set aside a time & do it when he is not around. Try to a”limit” the time you are depressed and bummed out. If you start thinking about it and feel yourself going to that place, do something & get out of it.

Get plenty of rest, eat well and get some exercise. This will make ALL the difference in the world. Really it will. This will help to handle the stress much better.

I do love him and want so much to trust him.
Right now it’s not about trusting him. I’m not saying you should “just trust him” but you don’t have to rub it in his face.

That's why last night was arranged so that we could talk but I'm not satisified with the results of the talk.
You’ll probably not be fully satisfied with “the talk” for a LONG time. Just take what you get and be content with it. There is plenty more time for talking this out.

Should I just forget about the truth and try to stop my mind from spinning in all directions?
Don‘t forget about the truth but keep your head from spinning.

About the name, prayingmantis. Are you gonna bite his head off? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Cell phone is disconnected and as far as I know the only e-mail account is the one we share. He could easily contact from work and I can not find out or call from home when I'm not here. We only have one car and I can't go check on him. We all are within 5 min. of each other. I guess I just need to sit back and keep my eyes open. He won't take the kids there again that's for sure. I calmly made it clear to him not to go near there.