This was sent to me by a colleague who also attended the Michele Weiner-Davis Divorce Busters Training Intensive I went to in Chicago earlier this spring. Thought you would find it interesting. No credit was given to the author when I got it.

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THINGS TO CONSIDER
BEFORE YOU DIVORCE

FINANCIAL
The cost of a divorce for an average income couple is $2,500 to $25,000

Divorce lawyers charge $250 to $500 an hour

Cost for lost work time, time in court and time off to deal with the stress must also be factored in

A family goes from one home with two incomes to two places of living with two incomes

All property gets either sold and divided or just divided – it’s not “ours” anymore

All the ordinary bills become doubled – electric, water, cable, phone etc.

Generally speaking, the husband’s wages get garnished and the wife lives on less than is realistic

You may go from one job of forty hours to two jobs and no time for family or social life

SOCIAL
The places you and your spouse went together before now become places you avoid

The store, church or restaurants you used to attend together now become items of conflict

Your friends now have the task of choosing whom to “side with” in the divorce

Once you divorce, you become another class of person – people view you differently

You now have to decide about dating and how to handle the loneliness that will come

Everywhere you go you feel alone because you used to be with someone – now you are one

If you begin to date, the struggle comes in finding the “right” person

Statistics prove that second & third marriages have a far greater chance of ending up in divorce

RELATIONAL
Divorce takes the children out of a “stable” environment and forces them to be “shared”

Even in the “best” of possible situations, there is conflict over numerous things

You are now forced to see your children when and where someone else tells you

Children end up having to choose which parent to live with, believe and trust

Your children will develop their way of dealing with the divorce, which may be without your help

Statistics prove that children of divorce tend to have higher incidence of divorce themselves

Statistics also prove that children of divorce tend to be less happy and adjusted

Studies prove that 1/3 of all children of divorces never get over the divorce

Children struggle with feelings of fear, insecurity, loneliness, abandonment and depression

You begin to draw into question your ability to be a good mom or dad to your children

All family get-togethers now become tense and anxiety producing

SPIRITUAL
You will find yourself struggling with feelings of hopelessness – the future is dark and scary

Anxiety creeps into your ever-day life through thoughts of worry about needs that you now have

Inadequacy feelings may arise for you – thoughts of being good enough or able to make it alone

Loneliness will become an enemy to you – being alone will be one of your greatest fears

Anger and rage will try to run your every thought. – thoughts of getting even or getting back

Depression is often an outcome of divorce. Since one has seemingly lost control of life

You may end up becoming obsessed with your ex and how he or she treated you

DIVORCE IS NOT A RELIEF FROM PROBLEMS
BUT AN EXCHANGE OF PROBLEMS

~~~~~

Wow I wish everyone considering divorce could read that first!

That is so thought provoking that I can't decide where to start so I will just leave it at WOW!

Thanks for posting this.

Ahhhhh grasshopper.... you should see the list of links I have with this kind of info..... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

(Actually, I think I have the world's most depressing list of bookmarked favorites.. LOL )

C

I agree very good stuff. There is always the "we'll be different" thing though.

Our child is very smart and mature, she'll handle it just fine.
We'll be better friends after the divorce.
Our child will be fine if we just assure her that this is not her fault and that we love her very much.
Divorce is normal now, it's not like it used to be.

I could go on but I am getting angry.

d_rose.... very true, those are lies that society tries to pass off on us. Did you see the links I posted a few weeks ago to some articles about couples' therapy written by Dr. Bill Doherty? He really came down on the idea that marriage is for sexual convenience and that if it's not working we should just walk away, very, very good info.

And then there's Judith Wallerstein's book The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce, the 25 Year Landmark Study. Pretty much blows the "kids will be ok" myth out of the water.

Interesting though that you should bring up the concept that everyone thinks their situation is unique and therefore can be handled differently.... I see that over and over again as I try to get betrayed partners to do the things necessary to end their spouse's affair. Things like confront, expose, and ultimately go to Plan B. Every single person tells me that their circumstances are different and that they can't do those things.... they're so much alike that it would be funny if it wasn't so important.

C

If I had a nickel for every time I heard the kids will be fine, you are doing them more harm by staying, I could retire in a life of luxury

You and me both, Sue.... hey we could take all those nickels and have a hey day at MoA!! LOL

How ya doin'?

Hi Cerri,

I'm doing fine. I'm in a one week class that is supposed to help us pass boards. I missed class today. Last night, my knee was having spasm after spasm, so I took something for it. I don't like taking pain meds, the next day I feel hungover. I slept until 2 in the afternoon. H kept waking me for class, I told him I would go to the afternoon session, slept through that too.

Oh well, I can always make it up at the center.

I'm a little over a week away from my appointment with the specialist. H said he would go if he is not working. (I asked him to.) I figure, depending upon what they will want to do, it affects H if we have a choice, so he should be part of the decision making.

Other than that, I am doing well. Not much has changed on the homefront, except H is going back and forth from being a jerk and a very nice guy. I really must catch those aliens when they try to exchange the nice H with the jerky H. I've missed them a couple of times so far.

C,

With divorce I have been told "life gives you lemons, make lemonade." I don't want lemonade, let alone the lemons to make it.

My therapist suggested the Legacy of divorce to me. I haven't picked it up because I don't want to depress myself. My lovely wife did pick up a copy of "The good Divorce" ....my therapist was like is their such a thing???

Spend enough time here and you'll find that everybody's situation is too similar. I didn't see the Bill Doherty articles. would you mind posting them again?

Thanks

How about if there are no kids involved? Minimal financial assets? Both parties are in agreement on how to split things?

I just don't agree that divorce is automatically bad for kids. Personally I was very happy when my parents divorced when I was 12. The tension was horrible in our home my mother was always pissed off and took it out on us kids. Once they divorced wow the tension disappeared. Of course years later I found out that my dad was a serial cheater which explained so many things.

d_rose... bumped the article for you and added a link to a companion article also by Bill Doherty. Great guy, btw. The link didn't work this morning but I would imagine it will be back up, I think it's a Smart Marriages link.... if not, let me know and I'll see if I have the entire article saved and I'll post that.

TMD - here's a link I have to some of the effects of divorce on adults, statistics on things like suicide rates, alcoholism, and depression. Although I agree that logistically it is far simpler when there are limited financial considerations and no children... looking at marriage, as I do, from more than just a legal standpoint I think there are other emotional, spiritual ramifications that impact us when that bond is severed, or more realisitically when we attempt to sever it.

I don't view marriage as simply a legal contract, I view it as a sacred covenant which when we break those bonds there are implications that affect us on all levels.... hence the depression, suicide, alcoholism rates.

I also agree that there are kids who are relieved when their parents split and when things become safer, less stressed, and more stable in the home, but some of the effects of divorce are in how we view, create, cope, and interact in our adult relationships. That is inevitably colored by our experience with the divorce of our parents.

My parents, too, were divorced when I was 10. And I was devastated. I still have irrational fantasies that they will reconcile... and I'm 41! At the same time, although I recognize the effects that has had on me, I refuse to consider myself damaged or to use that event as an excuse to be less than fully engaged in life as a responsible, compassionate, committed adult, parent, and spouse.

C

oops.... here's the link.... edit that statement above to say BLONDE adult..... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

More effects of divorce

<small>[ May 22, 2003, 08:26 AM: Message edited by: cerri ]</small>

While I agree with many of the points in the article, I feel I should point out that these types of fears kept me paralyzed in an abusive situation far too long. Of course, its up to each person to weigh the pros and cons of both sides of the decision. The other point I would make is that many of the statements are overgeneraliztions and the financial numbers quoted don't correspond with what I've experienced (so far).

sheet = one more proof that for staying in a bad M - the MAIN reason or the first one - are not kids

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by theuglytruth:
<strong>While I agree with many of the points in the article, I feel I should point out that these types of fears kept me paralyzed in an abusive situation far too long. Of course, its up to each person to weigh the pros and cons of both sides of the decision. The other point I would make is that many of the statements are overgeneraliztions and the financial numbers quoted don't correspond with what I've experienced (so far).</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I would never advocate that someone stay in a miserable marriage, much less one that is abusive. But I do think that every (and I do mean every) attempt should be made to fix the conflicts and issues in the marriage before considering divorce as an option.

So that would be:

Being honest in a respectful and courteous way about the things that are painful for you in the marriage; eliminating your own love busters; asking (as in requesting not demanding) for the things you want and need; becoming skilled at initiating and following through with a negotiation process to get those things; and finally, if all that doesn't work separating in a Plan B scenario to preserve your own feelings for your partner while they have a last chance to decide if they're willing to do what it takes to make the marriage a great place for both of you.

Plan B mimics divorce while still explicitly stating a commitment to the marriage and leaving the door open for reconciliation.... under certain conditions.

And THEN if they do make those kinds of overtures being insistant on condtions for reconciliation so you don't go back into an ugly and painful situation.

C

If you do all that and the other person doesn't get their act together, then by all means get out... with a clear conscience, knowing you really did try everything you could to make a go of it.

I agree with every thing you said, and I didn't file until I was clear in my mind and heart that I had done everything I could and would have no second thoughts. I think its gernerally a good thing to have a realistic picture of the process and ramifications of divorce. But many people in a bad situation become lacking in self-confidence and paralyzed by fear. I think some of the points listed are a little exagerrated and could worsen those fears for some people, particulary those in an abusive situation.

I don't see marriage as a sacred covenant for me it's just a legal one. I feel I have done all I can in my situation my H has personal issues that affect our marriage that he refuses to deal with. So there is basically live with the way things are or move on. I've decided to move on but this is after 4 years of trying. I have only anger at myself for making such a poor choice actually for marrying at all since I never wanted children. I know there will be some pain of course but I am planning on getting some support thru IC and will definitely never marry again!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by TMD:
<strong>I don't see marriage as a sacred covenant for me it's just a legal one. I feel I have done all I can in my situation my H has personal issues that affect our marriage that he refuses to deal with. So there is basically live with the way things are or move on. I've decided to move on but this is after 4 years of trying. I have only anger at myself for making such a poor choice actually for marrying at all since I never wanted children. I know there will be some pain of course but I am planning on getting some support thru IC and will definitely never marry again!</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm really curious then, if you feel that way about marriage in general, and your marriage in particular, why are you here? What draws you to this site that is soooo into marriage as more than just a legal contract? MB is all about marriage as a commitment with deeper reaching implications.

Not that I am judging or dissing your view, you certainly have the right to feel however you feel about those things.... being an ardent observer of humanity, I'm curious, because it seems to be a contradiction.

C

When I found this site I was hopeful I still believed in my marriage and the vows I made. That was 3 years ago. And I still believe in marriage in general But there has to be two relatively emotionally healthy people involved. My H is just not there and probably never will be w/o working on personal issues. Really I still battle with the fact that I took those vows but I know that if stay with him resentment will take over and I will become bitter and hateful.

So now I occassionally read over at the at "Divorcing/Divorced forum. There is alot of pain there but then you read a post from someone who is 2 or 3 years on the other side and I know eventually I will heal. I just don't think I can trust myself enough to ever get remarried.

I just don't think I can trust myself enough to ever get remarried.

You know, I've often had those same thoughts about myself.... and I would describe our marriage as in recovery. The betrayal (both internal and external) leaves deep scars, and it takes a lot of personal courage to look those in the face, and to take a hard look in the mirror and see how we contributed to our own pain. It's an issue I've been struggling with for a long time, and will continue to do for a while, I'm sure.

If there's any way I can help, all you need to do is ask. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

C

This is worth bumping all the time.

BUMPING ^^^^^^^^^
excellent
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />