Can I just say that reading your posts is like my own thoughts!! I just found out 2 weeks ago about H's affair. His affair ended over a year ago, though. And it was more like 3 "one-afternoon stands" than an affair (he didn't even know her last name). But I've discovered that that doesn't make it hurt any less!!

Why her?? What was so wrong with me?? I wanted to contact the OW, but it turned out that she moved away last summer!! Good riddance to bad rubbish. She was single, but she did know that my H was married!! What kind of person does that?? And why did he say yes to her??

I also asked for details, and I got most of them out of him. I wanted to know if he'd done things with her that he hadn't done with me!! But now he just keeps saying that I know everything now so why keep talking about it?? He feels horrible and says that when he thinks of what he did it makes him sick!! Good. I hope he pukes his lungs out!!

He says he doesn't ever want to hurt me again, and I so badly want to believe him. I just have so many doubts!! Every time I think of him holding her I start to cry all over again. I never thought anything could hurt so bad.

I'm happy that he wants to make our marriage stronger, but I still feel lost and alone. Does any of this make sense??

It makes perfect sense to me because I feel the same way. Why women do that I do not know I know that my H was lonely because I was in school and worked full-time, so he turned to her because she was having marriable problems to she has been married for 14 years, she got pregnant at 14 and married at 15 so she had been with her husband all of her life. I want to talk to her some more but I feel like it just hurts everyone all over again. I want her to feel the pain I feel but that will not happen because she wasn't really in love with my husband like I was she apparently just thought she was. I don't know I just seem to hurt all the time and I'm really tired of it.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by blonde ambition:
<strong>Can I just say that reading your posts is like my own thoughts!! I just found out 2 weeks ago about H's affair. His affair ended over a year ago, though. And it was more like 3 "one-afternoon stands" than an affair (he didn't even know her last name). But I've discovered that that doesn't make it hurt any less!!

Why her?? What was so wrong with me?? I wanted to contact the OW, but it turned out that she moved away last summer!! Good riddance to bad rubbish. She was single, but she did know that my H was married!! What kind of person does that?? And why did he say yes to her??

I also asked for details, and I got most of them out of him. I wanted to know if he'd done things with her that he hadn't done with me!! But now he just keeps saying that I know everything now so why keep talking about it?? He feels horrible and says that when he thinks of what he did it makes him sick!! Good. I hope he pukes his lungs out!!

He says he doesn't ever want to hurt me again, and I so badly want to believe him. I just have so many doubts!! Every time I think of him holding her I start to cry all over again. I never thought anything could hurt so bad.

I'm happy that he wants to make our marriage stronger, but I still feel lost and alone. Does any of this make sense??</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

I know. That's how I feel, like I'm constantly in pain. It doesn't help that I just got laid off from my job, either. Now all I have is time on my hands to think....not always a good thing.

Just when I'm starting to feel alive again, something reminds me that my H had sex with another woman. A song, a movie. And the worst thing is that things I used to enjoy don't make me happy anymore. It was easy to sit and laugh at infidelity on a sit-com when it wasn't happening to me. Now it's not so funny anymore. Nothing is.

Will I ever be able to stop picturing him with her?? And it drives me nuts that I don't even know what she looks like!! I am glad that she no longer lives around here, though. All H would tell me is that her name was Tasha (didn't know her last name), and that she was built like me but with black hair instead of blonde. I don't know if it makes it any better to know those details, though.

I just feel like my head's about to explode sometimes!! So many thoughts, so many questions!! I want to move on with our marriage, but I'm not ready to totally bury what he did, either.

Hey you two I am right there with you. I hate that I don't know what she looks like I do know that she was three inches taller than my H and bigger than I am because my H told me that he said when she asked him how much does you wife weigh and he said 110lbs. she told him wow I feel like an amazon woman. I know my H did not go because I have not maintained my weight over the years. I too have this wanting to talk to her I don't know why I guess maybe I want to see if she still has feelings for him. I have tried to be soft and gentle when dealing with my H and telling myself he is here with me not with her but like you two just a song, a movie anything can send me into unstoppable crying. My H likes to make CD's he made me one to listen to in the car but some of the songs I said to myself who was he thinking of her or me. I know that he called her "my love" that was my name he always called me that did he have to give her everything that was mine?

I had a real set back yesterday it had to do with something different from the A but it put me in a real bad mood so when my H called last night to talk to me and I was telling him my feeling and what I needed he kind of laughed it made me so angry I hung up on him. Needless to say the situation that happened yesterday (the other thing not my H being a butt head) carried over today by a phone call I recieved it made me so upset I have been angry and upset all day anyway right before my H left for work I lost it I broke down crying telling him how I just can't handle anything anymore this A has just put me over the edge I told him how I hated him for what he did I know I'm not suppose to do this but I am in so much pain and it won't go away! I told him I just didn't care anymore he could go be with the slut he slept with I just don't care anymore. He told me how sorry he was he was going no where no matter how angry I got he was not leaving he said he deserved it. I told him I know I was not the perfect wife over the last few years but life has been so hard for us I had nothing left to give but no matter what, I did not deserve for him to cheat on me. I am sorry guys to be going on and on but I guess I just need to vent and the three of us seem to be in the exact same boat. I'll shut up for now talk to you guys later.

Yeah I can't even listen to the radio anymore and it upsets my husband because he says men do not connect things like women do but I can't help it. I mean you cut the tv on and in every show or movie someone is cheating on someone I guess I never noticed it before. Then I get mad all over again. Well I know what the OW looks like she's not ugly but not a beauty queen either. She has [censored] for days I was big when her left size 16 and I am now in a 10 but I can honestly say I did that for myself not him I couldn't even look in the mirror anymore. She's about a 14 or 16 but just because she has a big butt. I can't seem to go anywhere with him without something reminding me of the affair. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by blonde ambition:
<strong>I know. That's how I feel, like I'm constantly in pain. It doesn't help that I just got laid off from my job, either. Now all I have is time on my hands to think....not always a good thing.

Just when I'm starting to feel alive again, something reminds me that my H had sex with another woman. A song, a movie. And the worst thing is that things I used to enjoy don't make me happy anymore. It was easy to sit and laugh at infidelity on a sit-com when it wasn't happening to me. Now it's not so funny anymore. Nothing is.

Will I ever be able to stop picturing him with her?? And it drives me nuts that I don't even know what she looks like!! I am glad that she no longer lives around here, though. All H would tell me is that her name was Tasha (didn't know her last name), and that she was built like me but with black hair instead of blonde. I don't know if it makes it any better to know those details, though.

I just feel like my head's about to explode sometimes!! So many thoughts, so many questions!! I want to move on with our marriage, but I'm not ready to totally bury what he did, either.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

sometimes I wish I hadn't seen her and did not know her but she lives 7 miles down the road from my house and works with my H. So most of the time I feel like I'm fighting an up hill battle. And as I said earlier I mostly think it would have been easier to get over him that to get over what he did to me. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by gingersnap:
<strong>Hey you two I am right there with you. I hate that I don't know what she looks like I do know that she was three inches taller than my H and bigger than I am because my H told me that he said when she asked him how much does you wife weigh and he said 110lbs. she told him wow I feel like an amazon woman. I know my H did not go because I have not maintained my weight over the years. I too have this wanting to talk to her I don't know why I guess maybe I want to see if she still has feelings for him. I have tried to be soft and gentle when dealing with my H and telling myself he is here with me not with her but like you two just a song, a movie anything can send me into unstoppable crying. My H likes to make CD's he made me one to listen to in the car but some of the songs I said to myself who was he thinking of her or me. I know that he called her "my love" that was my name he always called me that did he have to give her everything that was mine?

I had a real set back yesterday it had to do with something different from the A but it put me in a real bad mood so when my H called last night to talk to me and I was telling him my feeling and what I needed he kind of laughed it made me so angry I hung up on him. Needless to say the situation that happened yesterday (the other thing not my H being a butt head) carried over today by a phone call I recieved it made me so upset I have been angry and upset all day anyway right before my H left for work I lost it I broke down crying telling him how I just can't handle anything anymore this A has just put me over the edge I told him how I hated him for what he did I know I'm not suppose to do this but I am in so much pain and it won't go away! I told him I just didn't care anymore he could go be with the slut he slept with I just don't care anymore. He told me how sorry he was he was going no where no matter how angry I got he was not leaving he said he deserved it. I told him I know I was not the perfect wife over the last few years but life has been so hard for us I had nothing left to give but no matter what, I did not deserve for him to cheat on me. I am sorry guys to be going on and on but I guess I just need to vent and the three of us seem to be in the exact same boat. I'll shut up for now talk to you guys later.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Hi pennyme, My H says the same thing that he just listens to music because he likes it not me the words me something to me. I feel the same about movies I use to be a great fan of life time movie network not anymore to many cheating movies on it. Hey have you gone to my thread and read my situation if not please do I would like your input on what is going on in my life I think we have a real connection here it seems like our situations are mirrored. Are you doing any of the plans this site talks about? Have you read the book surviving an affair? I have it ordered but have not recieved it yet I sure hope it helps me with some of these feelings. As far as what the OW looks like I do want to know the worst thing is he said she reminded him of me. Why!!!! He said our hair color and eye color were similar what are the odds of that after all they met on the internet!!!!!!!!!!! I know she was much taller than me about four inches and like I said weighed more I think that really bothered her GOOD!!! I'll check in later visit my thread ok. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Same here!! H said she was "built" like me but with black hair instead of blonde!! Why, why, why?? That's all I seem to be able to ask myself lately!! Does he still think of her?? He says he doesn't, but how couldn't he?? God, it's good to know I'm not alone but it really sucks that men would do this in the first place!! What did we do to deserve this??

He says it was completely meaningless. That they didn't even talk during it!! He just got up and left after it was over. Should that make me feel better or worse??

Did you guys ask about protection?? That's the first thing I asked. He said he used a condom all three times, but it still pisses me off that he esentially risked our lives for three rounds of sex with some slut bartender!!

I think I'm going to need to vent for a long time until I get over this!!

Pennyme- So sorry you are in this situation. I'm glad your H is looking for a job. Just be sure he really is trying. OW was a coworker and I hated that my H saw her everyday. H would say there are no jobs in this town. Dday 1 year ago. I would visit H at work and have to see her ugly face.
I wanted so badly to smash her brains on the concrete!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />
H always said he felt nothing for her. The truth was different.
H would try to make her jelous of us. OW would try to make my H jelous of her new boyfriend. They were playing games. H would feel depressed about her.
The fact is, your H has to get out of there as soon as possible if you want to save yourself from more excrusiating pain.
That's just the way it is.
One doesn't just turn off feelings for someone like a light switch. It takes time. And if he keeps seeing her, it will continue.

I too wish I could make her life miserable but don't know how. I hope someday I can free myself from the anger I feel towards that beast because I know it is consuming my life.

Now that H is out of there I finally am seeing changes and feel hope that we will make it.
Good luck to you and take care of yourself.

sorry it has taken me so long to write back I'm a full-time senior at Miss. State University and Summer classes are killing me. I will visit your posting tonight. The other woman in my situation is not a dog but is is not any better looking than me and has a much bigger behind but oh well. Yes I always have to click on description now before I can watch a lifetime movie. I have visited the other sites recommended in these postings and I have found them useful. I will talk to you later my kids are demanding my attentions (SMILE)

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by gingersnap:
<strong>Hi pennyme, My H says the same thing that he just listens to music because he likes it not me the words me something to me. I feel the same about movies I use to be a great fan of life time movie network not anymore to many cheating movies on it. Hey have you gone to my thread and read my situation if not please do I would like your input on what is going on in my life I think we have a real connection here it seems like our situations are mirrored. Are you doing any of the plans this site talks about? Have you read the book surviving an affair? I have it ordered but have not recieved it yet I sure hope it helps me with some of these feelings. As far as what the OW looks like I do want to know the worst thing is he said she reminded him of me. Why!!!! He said our hair color and eye color were similar what are the odds of that after all they met on the internet!!!!!!!!!!! I know she was much taller than me about four inches and like I said weighed more I think that really bothered her GOOD!!! I'll check in later visit my thread ok. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

HI Pennyme, I wondered what happened to you I have not had a good week broke down many times said things I shouldn't have but oh well life is tuff and it is worse when you are hurting. I just recieved my book SAA and could hardly get through the first paragraph and the tears just started coming. Things got so bad for me over the weekend that at one point I thought of just leaving and I said to myself "I wonder if he would go crazy looking for me if I just left without a word" My H told me yesterday that he has been so worried about me that his stomache has been hurting I asked why and he said it is your emotional health I worry if you are going to be ok or not and I know that it is all my fault. I don't know what is wrong with me I just can not stop thinking of her and I don't know why I hate myself for that. I want to be strong I hate feeling so weak and dependant on my H.Sometimes I feel like this whole situation was just a big ego booster for him. I want to believe him everything he says to me but it is just so hard. Keep in touch if you can I don't want to put presure on you but I feel like our situations are so much the same that we can be a great help and a listening ear to each other. After all I started on this site for that reason to find a friend I could talk to that would not grow weary of me. Talk to you soon.

I hope it's OK if I post here again???

Ginger ~ Your post today sounds exactly like the thoughts running through my head at this very moment.

Do you mind if I cling to you and Penny for a while?? I really feel lost, and I could use some friends.

Pennyme, where are you? are you ok? Drop a line so we know that all is well.

Yes I'm making it one day at a time. I am sorry I haven't written in a while. I am still on an emotional roller coaster. I want to talk about it all the time and he doesn't. I am pushing him away by doing this but I can't help it. Some days I want revenge, some days I am just depressed, and some days I just want out. I love hime so much and I truely believe he is sorry. Lately, I have actually been thinking he needs to meet with her and see if there are still any feelings there, but he says no. I don't even know if she would do it or not. I feel like they are avoiding their feelings and I need to know if that is the case. What do I do? I am also sorry you have been feeling so bad lately, I know what you are talking about. I will write longer later he doesn't like me doing this. Sometimes I wonder why I care what he likes.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by gingersnap:
<strong>Pennyme, where are you? are you ok? Drop a line so we know that all is well.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Hi Pennyme,

From my experience, it is normal to want to talk about it all the time. You need reassurance that he truly loves you, that he is remorseful. This is very painful, and you don't want to be hurt like this again. Also, there is some thing about going over it, and over it, that has a desensitizing effect, it helps to decrease the pain.

Unfortunately, they don't want to rehash it, they feel guilty, ashamed, who know what. I'm guessing they also think that you going over it, is a way of rubbing their noses in it, when in actuality, the BS's need to go over it.

Nothing like rocking your world.

Pennyme, I just logged on and was so excited when I saw your name up there.Today has been a really bad day for me.It has been a long time since I have talked to you so a lot has happened.

My H said he would read SAA with me after he saw me reading it so we started today and to my surprise he began to open up and answer some questions it has been over six months since D-day and this is the first time he did not say I don't want to talk about it.I have gone through the stuff you said,my H even told me one time if I did'nt stop bringing it up I would drive him back to her. Any way I learned some trueths about his A today that he has never told me it was painful but I did not do any LBs instead I waited until we got home and went into the bedroom and laid down and cried my heart out this really sucks I hate it all.

Post when you can so we can keep in touch if you want you can always send me an e-mail if your H doesn't want you posting here you can get my address here in the e-mail exchange.

Take care I am so happy you are back I have missed you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

It's nice to know I'm not the only one that seems to feel better after talking about it. My husband just says that there is no way I can get over it if I keep bringing it up. But my thinking is that he can't get over it if I keep talking about it. But I can't help it. I still feel like that when you have a six month long relationship you need more closure that a 20 minute phone conservation. Thanks to responding to my posting

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Sue with hope:
<strong>Hi Pennyme,

From my experience, it is normal to want to talk about it all the time. You need reassurance that he truly loves you, that he is remorseful. This is very painful, and you don't want to be hurt like this again. Also, there is some thing about going over it, and over it, that has a desensitizing effect, it helps to decrease the pain.

Unfortunately, they don't want to rehash it, they feel guilty, ashamed, who know what. I'm guessing they also think that you going over it, is a way of rubbing their noses in it, when in actuality, the BS's need to go over it.

Nothing like rocking your world.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

I am really sorry we both have to go through this but it is a good sign that your husband is willing to read this book with you. I know how much details hurt I ask for way to many. But it's like we need to know everything or at least that is how I felt. I still want to talk to the OW a lot which is probably not good. I ask the same questions over and over again. I don't understand it. Did you ever want to talk to her? As I said earlier my biggest problem is the fact that I think they needed more closure than a 20 minute phone conservation. I am just scared that the reason they didn't meet is because they were scared of what they would still feel. Sometimes I feel like he is trying to push me down is throat. I mean if they hadn't got caught who knows what would have happened. She still works with him and so does her husband so they are watched like hawks but that still doesn't make me feel any better. Well I better go will write again later. My e-mail address is easter0605@yahoo.com.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by gingersnap:
<strong>Pennyme, I just logged on and was so excited when I saw your name up there.Today has been a really bad day for me.It has been a long time since I have talked to you so a lot has happened.

My H said he would read SAA with me after he saw me reading it so we started today and to my surprise he began to open up and answer some questions it has been over six months since D-day and this is the first time he did not say I don't want to talk about it.I have gone through the stuff you said,my H even told me one time if I did'nt stop bringing it up I would drive him back to her. Any way I learned some trueths about his A today that he has never told me it was painful but I did not do any LBs instead I waited until we got home and went into the bedroom and laid down and cried my heart out this really sucks I hate it all.

Post when you can so we can keep in touch if you want you can always send me an e-mail if your H doesn't want you posting here you can get my address here in the e-mail exchange.

Take care I am so happy you are back I have missed you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Hi Pennyme, How are you today?Me a little better not so good earlier.
Have you bought any of the books they suggest here? If not take my advise order a few they really help you see that your feelings are all very normal.I just read yesterday in the book "Torn asunder"that said if one spouse still has the need to talk about the A then you have not talked enough.Boy did that make me feel good.You see there is nothing wrong with us we are just hurting like we have never hurt before.

We can not believe the man that we gave our life to could just seemingly throw it all away.
My H tells me the guilt he feel is unbearable at times I'm sure your H feels the same he says thats why he doesn't like to talk about it.But he even said that after reading a little in the book SAA it helped him relize that the feelings he was having then were feelings others have had he did not feel so alone anymore.

I understand about the closure thing my H just stopped talking to her or answering her e-mails.I wanted to send her a letter telling her it was all a big mistake and so on, you get the idea.He would never do it I feel like he just could not say good bye to her.I feel like it is still open that if he were to contact her again she would be open to starting up the relationship.However when I talked to her she said they both agreed that they were in comitted relationships and they were going to each give the marriages one more try.
But I wonder everyday if he called her what would she say.I asked her are you in love with my H and her reply was "I won't answer that question"what does that tell you?

I am there right beside you with all the same feelings you are not alone.I am so glad you are back here posting.Please feel free to e-mail me if you want to just talk. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Pennyme,

Burying the truth will not help you get over it. It is another form of denial. To get over something, it quicker and helpful to have the truth and closure. The more you talk about something, the easier it gets everytime. There are those who go overboard and obsess, but it would have to be going on for years to be at that point.

It is like grieving the loss of a loved one. You feel better when you talk about that person. For some reason, grieving over the death of a loved one is acceptable. And this is like grief. You are grieving, the loss of what you believed to be true.