I'm writing at 3:00 a.m. PST, the second night without sleep in the last couple. After finding out my husband had a sexual and emotional relationship last week, only to be told tonight he is no longer "in love" with me... I am very confused, hurt, angry, sad, and anxious about the future. I read a couple other posts and understand I am not alone...I did want to reply to some of these men and women who are also suffering.. however, just don't have the energy. If we recovery from this.. I'll remember to check back in and give someone else the pep talk I'm hoping for

My husband tells me he is considering leaving and he fell out of love several years ago...I feel somewhat amazed by his comments noting, I thought we were simply have a normal up and down marriage. (Apparently not)... I discovered the affair after noticing he was just not himself.. and I pressed him on it...He notes that it was only one time..and that he has ended all contact (which I want to believe.. but not so sure I do).

I clearly see my role in this. We have somewhat of a reverse roll relationship wherein I am the bread winner and travel frequently. While I am out and about the country schmoozing clients with great dinners and activities (skiing, athletic events, etc) he is home taking care of the house, and my daughter from a previous marriage. He has been a wonderful father to her.. and they are extremly close. (which makes his guilt almost unbearable). I began to understand and see I was taking him for granted early this year and we have been discussing the need for me to pursue career change. I am in the middle of an interviewing process for a position which will keep me closer to home and more available.

With all this said, we are scheduled for counseling on 6/9 (the first available appointment)..however, are in a crisis now... He wants to leave.. but I am afraid if he does, our marriage will be through...Over the past couple of weeks I have sensed I am more interested in making this work than he is... and if it weren't for his relationship with my daughter (and a very close relationship with my siblings) I am sure he would be gone. I think the "money" is also keeping him here... but I sense he just isn't in love anymore and can't live with the guilt of staying.

At this point he has agreed to counseling... but I don't think we can wait until 6/9..I did get Surving an Affair.. however, my husband won't look at it..I have looked through it.. but honestly am have such a hard time focusing on getting to work and trying to be with my husband and daughter, I am unable to start a path to recovery.

Any suggestions on how to move forward or words of encouragement regarding my marriage survivng woule be welcome. I like another contributor am hesitant to discuss with my family out of embarrassment (?) or is it that it makes it all so real. Somehow I think if I keep this to myself it will go away... My daugher is away this weekend, and he has agreed to say through Monday... I appreciate any input given. Thanks. Sue

Dear Sue,

I am so sorry to hear of your pain. I remember very well the pain I felt when my H revealed to me his A. He told me that he "loved me (as a friend) but was not in love with me". He was in love with the OW. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

You have come to the right place for support. It's early in the day - more people will be on line in a little bit. I hope that you can find some small measure of comfort by being with others who understand your pain. There are many wise people who are further along the path to recovery than I and are willing to share their wisdom.

Reading can be very helpful for you. This website and SAA are a great start. You might also want to check out dearpeggy.com - Peggy has been the BS herself - she and her husband have rebuilt their own marriage following his many affairs and have now had a happy monogamous relationship for over 20 years.

The "i'm not in love with you" line is VERY common. It doesn't mean that you shouldn't have hope. My H took a few months to realize that his A was a fantasy relationship, and that by spending time with me he could gradually regain his love for me (and the love for the OW has faded gradually too). I'd suggest leaving SAA out for your H, just in case he takes a notion to read it. My H didn't really think that our marriage was salvagable until he read part of the book - he was shocked that the emotions of the WS were so much like his own. Five months after D-day we are on the path to recovery. There is still work to be done, but I could never have imagined that I would feel so much peace in myself and satisfaction in our M so soon after the A. Plan A and emotional needs (also see the Q&A section of this website, if you haven't) really worked for me and my H.

Keep reading and posting and remember to take care of yourself. You might consider seeing your doctor to look into getting a prescription for anti-depressants. They might be of great help to you in getting through this initial difficult period.

You will be in my thoughts.
Sincerely,
Chickadee

Hi there Sue, I am that man, I could be your H, and I certainly said the things he is saying. I said so last year, not in love with you...... It has been one year and 5 days since D Day(the day my wife found out)we are still together, struggling, but together. If you love your H, give him time and space, but make sure that he knows the boundries. Lots of people are going to give you very good advice so I wont. I am here to say that you, your H and your marriage CAN survive this.
Keep coming back here.
Regards.

Sue,

Sorry for your pain but glad you found us. I'm a bh and most of us here are going through the same thing.

Reading right now is one of the best things you can do. Learn as much as you can as soon as you can so you can start the work it will take to fix your M.

It will be work. But it is worth it to have a loving WS back IMHO.

I don't know how much you read on this site but make sure you read the basic concepts and then get your Plan A in effect as soon as possible.

I agree with Ckickadee that since the A is in the open that you leave SAA out. He might just read it at some point. HN/HN is another good 1 to leave out.

I got to go to work. Keep posting, Keep reading, you can get through this. Come back to update and ask questions or just to vent we know what your going through and you don't have to be alone.

I'm glad you found us here, too. I was like you right after the confirmation of my H's A - I couldn't sleep for 2 days straight. My H had an intense physical and emotional A with a co-worker. Neither has quit his/her job to end it. I don't think they have talked about ending it - I think they said to each other, "Let's try everything - counseling and all, and at the end, if we still can't end our feelings for each other, this is meant to be." I'm still struggling with the pain, hurt, sorrow and anguish. I did have a furious temper but that is all gone. My H is not in love with me - he doesn't even say he loves me. It seems like his one foot is out of the door. But I keep praying a lot every day for our marriage, for him, and for me, and keep reminding myself I have to be strong and patient. The damage inflicted is enormous and it will take time to heal. It's so easy to dwell on negative possibilities. But we need to have hope and resolve to save our marriages, especially for our children's sake.

You need to tell your family and friends about your situation. They'll be a great source of strength. They'll give you emotional support. Please don't be embarrassed. You cannot deal with this alone and that's why we're all here. You don't have to deal with this alone - you can also ask God to take away the burden. Also, please remember that while both of you may have had shortcomings in your marriage, it was HIS decision to have the A, not yours.

I would try to get in touch with Steve Harley. 6/9 is too far away. You can get an appointment with him quickly. Everyone around me is still skeptical of the telephone counseling but it is working for me. But I would still keep the 6/9 appointment, too.

Remember, the anger will lessen. Don't bottle your feelings in. We're here for you. Let us know how you're doing.

<small>[ May 23, 2003, 07:37 AM: Message edited by: achingheart8670 ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by achingheart8670:
<strong>My H had an intense physical and emotional A with a co-worker. Neither has quit his/her job to end it. I don't think they have talked about ending it - I think they said to each other, "Let's try everything - counseling and all, and at the end, if we still can't end our feelings for each other, this is meant to be." I'm still struggling with the pain, hurt, sorrow and anguish. I did have a furious temper but that is all gone. My H is not in love with me - he doesn't even say he loves me. It seems like his one foot is out of the door. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sorry, Im gonna get alot of backlash....but there is noway I would stay in this relationship. Dont be a doormat. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Hi,

I know the pain your feeling not being able to hear your husband tell you he loves you. Start with Plan A. Counselling is a very good start too. As I try to remember, he fell in love with you once, he can do it again. Take a deep breath, and try to be strong.

My thoughts are with you. Strength, strength, strength....

Itsover,

I'm even motivated to turn this around.

Sue,

How are you doing today?

Chickadee

Chickadee and other who reply to SF

I am doing better. Your comments and thougth really help me through a very difficult day and night... My a husband and I have seen a counselor and had two really nice outings on Saturday and Sunday were we actually had a nice time..

However, although I am out of the devastating mode.. I am getting angrier by the moment...everything from his touch to gifts he has given to me remind me he did this same things when he was "out of Love" and pursuing a relationsihp with another woman... I have pledged not to berate him... but it is tough.. sorry to vent.. thought it was better here than at him

Thank you again for the comments.. it helps to know I am not alone. SUE

((((Hug))))
Please read about Plan A, even before your counseling session. Most everybody here can relate to your pain and feelings of hopelessness, and maybe share some advice. It is not easy, nor fast, but You will heal, and with hard work, commitment, and luck your M might too. Come here and vent your feelings and frustrations, your H is probably not the right person to approach with it right now.

FBOW
Initdeep, is it you? I am still "first time here"
What's going on with Fishwife? Please stop by.
FBOW

oh my god, this is so my story 9 months ago.

"I love you, I am not in love with you!"
He says now, he is not sure what he was thinking when he said that. I can remember him saying that and me looking at him and saying in my best Yoda voice, "love or love not, there is no 'in love' "... stupid men.

I'm the breadwinner, he is a jazz musician. We have a 15 year old daughter together from my first marriage. Well, you are going to counseling and it sounds like you have a strong handle on it, even though you might not think you do. Keep a diary, that is so important. You know, you will probably have the same thoughts I did - one of them was, god, I made sure you didn't have to work, which gave you FREE time to do what!?!

I hope you are doing well. There is definitely life after an affair though. How long have you been together?

<small>[ May 28, 2003, 08:31 PM: Message edited by: KS ]</small>

KS and others

It is nice to hear there are other woman with roll reversal issues...As I noted earlier, we did make it to counseling this past weekend and one topic of discussion was the development of my spiritual self.. My husband, who works 20o to 30 hours a week as a massage therapist, noted his spiritual and creative side was in tact however.he was/is looking for someone more "like" him, centered, calm etc. He also loves his job...which is just great as I spend days, nights and weekends in a corporate world where a tear drop will ruin a chance for a promotion/raise.... An affair and the I'm not in love...almost pushes one over the edge..

I lost it in counseling as he expressed his pleasure of spiritual development and looking for a like minded soul..as much as I love his sensative creative side..it seemed a bit much for him to be looking for someone "like" him while my work funds his and provides him the luxury of time.. which is something I don't get...

Again, it might (????_} be easier if I didn't see the true worth of this person (my H). This week my focus has shifted a bit to including some spirtual development of my own...

KS are you a runner?...For many years prior to my marriage, I ran outside rain shine winter summer..Once I married, I continued to exercise when I could however have stayed in the gym because of time constraints... My promise to myself this week has been to enjoy the outdoors, running biking...I definately feel more connected to me. One thing I can not let go of is who I am...if it means he leaves, then so be it.

KS it sounds as if you are working things through...I am hopeful, because I do believe there is a chance for solid relationship when two people with different perspectives on life interact...he is also so important to my daughter.. seems such a waste to let this go...

I am/have looked through plan A... and am taking note not to make demands, avoid angry outburst...etc...I'm sure everyone here can attest..even if the marriage doesn't work..you will come out of this as a better and stronger person.

Thanks again for your post..SUe

KS forgot to answer your questions.. we have been married 7 years, together 9

SF,

My H and I are in a role reversal as well. I work full-time while he worked part-time and took care of all 4 children as babies. Part of me believes that it took a toll on our relationship although it was a mutual decision out of necessity. My H is currently a full-time student at university while I support us. Finances have always been an issue but now even more so. He is also the first to complain how we don't have the money to do anything. He told me he doesn't love me anymore and resents me saying that I need help to continue supporting us for him go to school. We have 3 more years to go until graduation.

Keep working on yourself. You're worth it.

You're in my thoughts.