First of all, this site is so great. I have been reading all of the posts since my D-Day of 04/21/2003 and has helped me cope alot!! Thanks!! Sorry , but there may be rambling ahead. . . My wife who is the WS, and I attended a couples session with a marriage counselor on 04/28/2003. Towards the end of the session, the counselor told my wife that she needed to refrain from seeing the OM if counseling was to work. At that time, she said she could not, and would not stop, so the session ended there. Immediately, started working Plan A. I also dropped other insights such as her sharing information about her A with other people (family and "Real" friends) to see if they think it's the right choice. I know she had spoken to her mother and something must have happened because on 05/16/2003, my wife told me that she has ended the A, but wants to be separated, she wants the time and space to figure things out. She has looked into some apartments down the street from our house (they will allow her to do a 3 month lease). But she wants to be around at bedtime and morning time for the kids. So, the BIG question is, does being separated help in these situations?

Its a fact that most separations lead to divorce. Its just a fact. My EX wanted to separate for 6mo.-1yr. We divorce within 3mo. I realize all separations do not lead to a divorce this quickly....but, usually a separation allows the Wayward one the opportunity to test the open waters with the OTHER person. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

This is exactly what I am afraid of . . . I felt that since she ended the A, that I should "give in" on the separation request.

Separations hinder Plan A, and are usually an excuse to see the OP more easily. You cannot stop her, but do not encourage her.

When a WS wants to separate it's usually to continue seeing the OP in an unabated fashion and without the guilt of lying to the BS. In many WS's minds, separation is equivalent to being divorced and thus do not consider their relationship with the OP an A.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Its a fact that most separations lead to divorce. Its just a fact. My EX wanted to separate for 6mo.-1yr. We divorce within 3mo. I realize all separations do not lead to a divorce this quickly....but, usually a separation allows the Wayward one the opportunity to test the open waters with the OTHER person </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I read so often on these boards, and I know from my own experiance, that affairs rarely survive the light of day. Once out in the open, they usually fall apart when exposed to the real world. I wonder why so many seperations lead to divorce?
Michael

I think because so much damage is done during the separation. The wayward one continuing the affair and the betrayed trying to make it work to no avail. The betrayed soon gets strong and the wayward one doesnt have the control over them any longer....ahhhhh....its just a mess from that period on. Usually there is just too much damage and both feel they can live without one another.

<small>[ May 23, 2003, 12:57 PM: Message edited by: ITSOVER ]</small>

According to her, the separation is a done deal. She has already signed a 3-month lease on an apartment. She moves on 06/01. It should be REAL fun next week as her mother had previously planned to be staying with us.

Me - BS 37
WW - 38
Married 17 years
2 great sons - 11 & 5
D-day 04/21/2003
04/28/2003 1st couple counseling session, she won't stop affair
Wife admits to halting affair 05/16/2003
Wife wants to move out 06/01/2003 (for her time and space)

But she wants to be around at bedtime and morning time for the kids

My question is do we as BS have to make it easy for them to leave and come and go? I'm sorry but I am miserable since he left us....and why can't he be miserable without us? Can't we explain that Daddy or Mommy just need to go away for a little while? My daughters talk to my H every night but I'll be darned if he's gonna see them every night! I can't do that...maybe others can but I can't take the emotions right now. I'm not saying I'm using the kids...but my goodness people they can't have the OP..and their life....Didn't those who left make that choise on there own?

But she wants to be around at bedtime and morning time for the kids

My question is do we as BS have to make it easy for them to leave and come and go? I'm sorry but I am miserable since he left us....and why can't he be miserable without us? Can't we explain that Daddy or Mommy just need to go away for a little while? My daughters talk to my H every night but I'll be darned if he's gonna see them every night! I can't do that...maybe others can but I can't take the emotions right now. I'm not saying I'm using the kids...but my goodness people they can't have the OP..and their life....Didn't those who left make that choise on there own?

Just reading the responses, you can see it's a risky one .. I think this depends on how YOU feel.

I instinctly done Plan B (not knowing about MB, so without doing a Plan A either). But it felt right for me.

My SO moved straight in with OW, I planned to rebuild my life without him .. yet he turned up begging within weeks. She fulfilled his needs less than I when she had them all to look after. Anyway, I took him back a few months later (still too early with hindsight).

Things have been, and are still sometimes very tough, (continued contact) and it's still an 'uphill' battle. But separation was right for us. I couldn't have Plan A'd for my life. It just wouldn't have worked in our situation. He had to miss me, and realise what he had was no better. The 'grass isn't greener' so to speak.

Good luck