My H said all his affairs involving sex.....3 hand jobs from 1 girl on 3 separate occasions, and 1 other girl oral sex, and another time she attempted intercourse but he couldn't keep....it.....up. I know he loved me. Met 1st girl in park and in car all times in park. 2nd girl also in park. Never saw those girls again. Also 1 prostitute.

Question:::: He says it was just sex NOTHING MORE. Can this be true????

This happened a long time ago but I just found out Dec.18th. WHAT DO GUYS MEAN IT WAS JUST SEX.

He must have unmet needs. I asked him and talked to him about this but he says JUST SEX.

How can I meet his needs if HE doesn't even know what they are. I've tried talking to him to find out BUT nothing. HELP>>>>HELP>>>

GUYS DON'T BE SHY> TELL ME YOUR THOUGHTS ON THIS

my (strictly amateur) thoughts:

Bull. He may have unmet needs. He has acted selfishly repeatedly. At least three separate incidents, so it is not just 'fog'.

It sounds to me like he doesn't respect you or your marriage. I can only speak for myself, but I can't really see this happening without some sort of emotional bond too, so I don't think it is 'just sex'. Either way it is betrayal.

My 2c worth

maxlo3

It always seems like "the guy" tries to say it was "just sex."

I would bet money that this is exactly what my wife's OM would say if I could ask him (and not beat him to a bloody pulp. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> ) They had several encounters; as near as I can tell 4 intercourse and numerous oral(probably 5-10, maybe a few more.)

She tells me that the emotional needs met by him were conversation and admiration (which was also met by her job - the fact that she felt needed there.) I think that his only emotional need being met was sex. I think that her descriptions of the encounters pan this out - he did nothing to try and give her pleasure, except one time, and he petered out (pun intended. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ) She has told me that she could have done without the sex altogether, but then that was not the emotional need she was looking to have fulfilled.

I've spent hours trying to come to terms with his motivations, which were basically he was 40 years old and wanted to have a younger sexual partner who had not had kids. My wife was easy pickings as we were going through a rough time, and she harbored a lot of resentment and anger towards me because I had neglected her ENs for so long <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> .

I really don't know if he got anything else out of the affair or not. My wife now thinks that he was basically using her for sex - or that they used each other for their ENs. She admits that the ENs of hers made her want the affair after is started.

IMVHO he is either not being honest with you or he has a compulsion problem. There may be other things lurking that he doesn't want to talk about...

Is he open to counseling on this? If not that, see if he is open to reading some of the books by the Harleys. I am currently reading "Surviving an Affair" and have a copy of "His Needs, Her Needs" waiting when I get done. The information really does help me understand what happened.

Jake.

Hi,

This is one guy's comment with no statistical basis whatsoever. Just a lot of reading, some talking, and about 45 years spent under the control of tostesterone.

A normal healthy male will feel the need to ejaculate regularly (say twice a week but it may be more often). This has little or nothing to do with having an erection which is typically more frequent. It is invariant. He can live surrounded by topless beauties on a beach or alone on a desert island, it is still twice a week or more.

When a guy feels this urge he can

1) resist it. He won't die but will get increasingly ratty until he wakes up one night ejaculating.

2) masterbate

3) Get off with any freely available woman.

4) Have meaningful SF with his long term partner.

I guess everyone would agree that 4) is the ideal but it is not the same. For a start it takes time to seduce your lover, get her in the mood, take care of her needs, help free her from the things that make her unavailable. After all you have a loving relation ship with this person. You are doing something together. Frankly with kids, jobs, social responsibilities, health and all the other things that are less important but more urgent the other options get called upon often if not most of the time.

It is fairly easy and not that expensive to find a prostitute that assures safe, discreet and rapid relief. Many but not all men understand that this is cheating and if revealed would damage their relationship.

Subordinate co-workers are also a useful in that they are even more available (company property) and less expensive but carry risk an emotional engagement that could become dangerous. Most but not all men understand that this is cheating and if revealed would damage their relationship.

Married women are less available but can easily be found around schools, in gyms and shopping malls. They may require some seduction effort and the risk of an emotional engagement is almost as high as with single women. I guess all men understand that this is cheating and if revealed would damage their relationship.

From a guy's point of view masterbation has a lot going for it. However there has been much religiously inspired condamnation of masterbation and generally men who do it are considered wimps by their peers. Guys have to ask "would I rather be an adulterer or a wimp". From the couples point of view it might be better that they masterbated together.

I guess you could argue that that having sex with someone without emotional attachment is just like masterbating. If masterbating is abhorrent to the partner she knows what she can do about it.

I hope this helps. Remember it is worth what you are paying for it.

<small>[ May 26, 2003, 02:14 AM: Message edited by: olderandwiser ]</small>

Simply put, if it was just sex then he has an addiction problem. Most men are particular about where they get their sex from if they are going to have an affair. He seems to me whatever comes along will suit him just fine. This type can not be helped without intervention. If you gave him sex 3 times a day, everyday the way he wanted it he will probably still not be satisfied. This is a selfish act to only please himself and he doesn't understand how to please his wife, his first obligation. I would bet to say there are some repressed emotional problems lying there somewhere which only a trained counselor can help bring out and help him deal with it. I believe he loves you, however an addiction makes you lose all sense of reality. Could it be just sex? yes! But there is a deeper problem which needs to be address. Hang in there and pray for direction to heal your marriage. God will honor you.