What kind of woman tries to/breaks up a marriage?

Is it just me, am I old fashion but I cannot understand what goes through a woman's mind when she is having an affair with a married man.

In my case she was married too(for 3 years). No kids. She knew that my H loved and cared madly for his kids but she continued to play a part in this dirty farce. I am not saying that my H is not partly to blame too but you do not take what is not yours........

How does she feel now I wonder, now that we are together and trying to recover with all our might. Will she realise how little the sordid A meant to him?

What kind of morals do these females have?

View please?

What kind of woman tries to/breaks up a marriage?

Most likely a woman whos needs are not being met at home. It's not like she is trying to break up a marriage, she's trying to get her needs met however misguided.

Is it just me, am I old fashion but I cannot understand what goes through a woman's mind when she is having an affair with a married man.

Well, I'm not woman so I would'nt know, but I'd imagine that what's going through her mind is to fulfill her needs anyway she can, regardless of any hurt, pain and destruction of other individuals. In my mind, it is the ultimate of selfishness.



How does she feel now I wonder, now that we are together and trying to recover with all our might. Will she realise how little the sordid A meant to him?

I doubt she would realize it. You probably know how little it ment to him because he told you so?

What kind of morals do these females have?

Morals in the world are certainly relevant. Some have higher standards than others that's for sure. My wife has been in 2 affairs with married men. Now she rants about how I don't have a life and she has higher standards for her self, wants accountability from her friends etc etc. Does this make any sense at all? Higher standards?? And she commits the ultimate breach of trust. Clearly women that cheat don't think, they act.
---------------------------------------------
Me BS 51
WS 47
married 24 years
D-Day #1 1980
D-Day #2 1981
D-Day #3 1987
D-Day #4 April 2003

<small>[ May 25, 2003, 09:33 AM: Message edited by: Joquin1 ]</small>

Just a friendly warning... you may get some nasty replys. But not from me. I know in my case (and I am ONLY speaking about me...) my FWH's FOW was my sister who set out to destroy my life. She waited until my H and I were haveing problems and suddenly there she is telling him how wonderful he is and how he deserved better than me, and that I was such a b*tch... working her "charms" to turn him against me... she is also married, and has no regard for marraige vows. But that is NOT to say that all OP are evil home wreckers... because it does take two... It would just be nice if one of the two could be strong enough to do the right thing.... SAY NO!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

If only we lived in that "perfect world"...

-mc

Kate:

Most, don't care.

For my wife and I, not only are we left greiving to repair our marriage but we are dealing with a woman that we will never see again and remains employed by the same company that fired the two Managers she had affair with.

It's take two and I am guilty but I don't think I could nor could my wife return to work knowing that I contributed to the firing of two Managers because I liked being layed.

I honestly believe in my heart that the women that have office affairs with married men, really care about anything...........except themselves.

kathurt,
It is obvious by your screen name and the fact that you are posting on Just Found Out that you are hurting. Let me preempt this by stating I was an OW - twice.

What kind of woman tries to/breaks up a marriage?

It was never my goal to break up a marriage - although I am sure MM #1's W would not agree.

How does she feel now I wonder, now that we are together and trying to recover with all our might. Will she realise how little the sordid A meant to him?

I can not answer how she feels. When my first MM found out his W was pregnant he went bach home to try and work things out (at my suggestion and w/ my full upport) - he had only been out of home short while and we were about to move in together. During that time, I continued to see him daily at work and when he came to house. I broke off physical contact. During that period of time I met MM #2, also at work, and became involved w/ him. I harbored no ill will towards MM #1 and encouraged him when needed.

What kind of morals do these females have?

I have many. Although I doubt you will agree as I have admitted to 2 EMRs. I am confident in my own moral compass though. I can say that these 2 relationships taught me a great deal. I am still in the relationship w/ MM #1. I am no longer in contact w/ MM #2 - my choice. I also know that I will never again enter into a relationship w/ a MM. Not that it matters, but initially I didn't know #1 was married. I knew all along w/ MM #2.

Since you are in recovery w/ husband, i wouldn't waste anytime wondering what his FOW is thinking/feeling as it really doesn't matter. tew

TEW, I have a real hard time with your view. That you aren't trying to break up marriages, You certainly are. You have had not one, but TWO affairs with married men. Have you ever stopped to ask why not a single guy?

I have a real problem with it. I can tell you that my OW certainly did her damndest to get H to leave me. Like asking him to over and over. That is destroying a family.

Why do you want a man that would cheat on his wife? A man that will lie to his wife and cheat on her is certainly lying to you and living the best of both worlds. Heck, he gets comfort at home with her, sex with her, love of the family with her, his laundry done, his life kept neat and he gets to go have unattached fun with you.

I don't get the attraction to a MM, I would have thought a married guy hitting on me was slime. And yes, I am not real proud of my husband now. Without women willing to be with married men, we sure wouldn't have affairs. Sure would be nice. I do hope you know the kind of sadness you help to bring to families, and I am sure yourself

I don't get it!!!!!

We have an individual crying out for answers and wanting help as to why a married woman seeks to destroy a marriage AND A WOMAN THAT IS GUILTY OF HAVING TWO AFFAIRS is writing back for assistance.

I want to know if it bothers her that she is guilty of being a slut and a whore??????

I mean, why go after a married man?? Is it the thrill???? Is it knowing that you won't have to have a commitment???? You can leave whenever you want???

Why???

naive,

TEW, I have a real hard time with your view. That you aren't trying to break up marriages, You certainly are. You have had not one, but TWO affairs with married men. Have you ever stopped to ask why not a single guy?

Let's see. As I stated I initially didn't know #1 was married. we worked closely together for 8 hours each night, I slept while kids were in school, and the evenings were devoted to homework, dinner, and getting them to their various games/activities. It didn't leave a whole lot of time for a social life. While MM #1 went home I met #2. i guess I was on the rebound and was not looking for a real relationship at that time. We got along great.

I have a real problem with it. I can tell you that my OW certainly did her damndest to get H to leave me. Like asking him to over and over. That is destroying a family.

Well I can not answer for your OW's actions. I never campaigned to get either to leave the M. MM #1 left several times and I sent him home several times w/ his suitcase.

Why do you want a man that would cheat on his wife? A man that will lie to his wife and cheat on her is certainly lying to you and living the best of both worlds. Heck, he gets comfort at home with her, sex with her, love of the family with her, his laundry done, his life kept neat and he gets to go have unattached fun with you.

I guess the same reason a BS does. MM #1 was good to me and my kids. I had little time to pursue other relationships. I believed (and still do) that MM#1 married too fast and that they both made a mistake. Thus far, my instincts have proved on target. We have been under the same roof for almost 16 mos. He and W are divorced, we will marry in September. He is still good to me and the kids. He is hard working and loving. I have yet to have a reason to question anything. In fact, he goes out of his way to earn trust and be accountable - even though I don't require him to.

I don't get the attraction to a MM.

I was attracted to a man that was married. His marital status was not what attracted me to him. tew

Women who go after MM HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO MORALS WHATS EVER!!!!
Forget that posting above me! Who is she trying to kid? What morals?
That women is sick and needs help! She needs to find a single man that she can dump around!
She should also read all the postings to what happens inside marriage when an A comes out!
PAIN PAIN AND PAIN!
I would love to disect a womens brain who goes after a MM!
Afraid of commitment? I would think so! There is help for sick people like that!
But a women who goes after MM can stick her boobs in his face and all he has to say is "no, I'm married"! Don't entirly blame the woman! As easy as it is don't! He should have not taken the bait!
Ali

RANDYRAIL,

Wow! Aren't you bitter. So you and someone else get fired for "laying" someone in your office. So not only you were oblivious to your marriage vows, but to the policy of sexual harassment as well? Nice.

I don't get it!!!!!

We have an individual crying out for answers and wanting help as to why a married woman seeks to destroy a marriage AND A WOMAN THAT IS GUILTY OF HAVING TWO AFFAIRS is writing back for assistance.

Well, gee. Who else better to reply than an OW that has had an EMR? The title was Women who Have Had an Affair with Married Men. Me. I offered my opinion, advice, experiences, and was not the least bit attacking or insulting. The author, naive, responded to me, and I again responded to her.

I want to know if it bothers her that she is guilty of being a slut and a whore??????

Can't say that it does, because neither of those words describe me. I also broke no vows nor did I betray the one I was married to. How does your W feel that you not onlu jeopardized the M but the family's financial well-being by "laying" someone who is "a slut and whore"?

I mean, why go after a married man?? Is it the thrill???? Is it knowing that you won't have to have a commitment???? You can leave whenever you want???

Why'd you lay the slut/whore?

T???

You think your M will be OK? You are so sadly mistaken! He is bringing every little left over detail from his ex to you! Sure it is great now, but you are stupid to think your M is going to work!
I'll bet you will have an affair because of your unsolved issues! What a pity!
You sound like the ho my husband was screwing!

Kat,

An interesting question that is sure to get a variety of responses. I have been thinking about the OW lately, not really in the jealous/ insecure way I did earlier on, but in my work in my own head to come to a better understanding of the A, my marriage, myself and my H.

Have you read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass? She includes a chapter on the OP which you might find interesting. According to this book, most single OW hope that the MM will leave his wife for them. Now, most don't, and those that do don't usually end up living "happily ever after" with the OW, but that is a common hope for the single OW. I'd guess that, like many WSs, they may just "fall in love" and not have initially intended to do so. Here at MB we hear so much about the fog etc. that a WS experiences. "Love" is a strong emotion for everyone. I realize that I have just addressed a subsection of A partners here, and that even within this group there are individuals.

Glass also delves into family backgrounds of the OP and how such factors can lead them to become the OP. She also suggests ways for the OP to heal. You might be interested in reading this for a (maybe) slightly different perspective. By the way, Glass is pro-marriage.

I think there are also OPs that are willfully being destructive toward the M - jealousy? competition? power? control? needs? fantasy relationship?

Like others, I'm sure, my thoughts have been shaped by own experiences of my H's A. I wanted to HATE the OW. But I can't. In our case, it was my H who pursued the OW, not so much the other way around. And the ONLY reason that it did not progress beyond an EA was that SHE REFUSED to because he was married, and because she knew me and had some like/ respect for me as a person. I realize full well that this did not stop her from developing an intense EA with my H. I wish that it had. But if caring for me was going to stop anyone in the A, shouldn't it have been my H??? She was the only one thinking of ME at all. It hurt me tremendously when I found this out. For a while I had it in my head that it was "only" an EA because my H had some respect for our M. Not the case.

In general, I don't think that it's fair to BLAME the OP more than we BLAME the WS, though I can sure understand the desire to do so (especially when you're trying to save the M).

I look forward to hearing some other points of view.

Chickadee

you don't get it it do you?
YOU ARE CAUSING PAIN! yes it is the guys fault too! it takes two? you are going after them when they are valnerable. and you don't care that a ife is hurting knowing her husband is sleeping w/you? WHERE THE HECK IS YOUR CONSCIENCE???
GO ON SPRINGER <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Wow..............

I was just about to ask you tewjtm if you were or had ever been married but it would seem that you will be marrying MM#1. Did he have any kids to his wife? If so, have you any idea what kind of effect it has on them?

What will happen if he cheats again.....on you! How will this make you feel?

My H is ashamed and full of guilt for what he has put me and my family through. He had his ego stroked and enjoyed it for a while but then he became afraid and ashamed of what he did and did not have the courage to back out. He was a stupid fool to risk all the years we shared. The years were happy until SHE came along. How do you know for sure that he was unhappy?

You are a mad woman to believe he will be any different to you....................

Kat, ali & RR,

This a question that has probably been asked a million times. You could also piggy back, what kind of man/woman would cheat on their spouse?

Really it doesn't matter what was going through their heads at the time or now for even. The WS made a choice to have the affair and the S has to live with their choice.

You asked the question and you got answers you didn't like. You had to know that there would be answers like this and you were quick to jump on the one who attempted to share a little insight.

I was a BS twice and it sucked bad. Later I became a WS, not for revenge or for spite. I put myself in a bad position that as a BS I wasn't ready to handle. I was lonely and sad and getting nothing from my lovely wife. I wanted a friend and gor way more than I bargained for.

Don't worry about what is going on in the OW/OM's head because you have enough to worry about with your spouse. Don't give the OP anymore power in you M than they already have.

T,
Thank you for sharing.

God Bless

<small>[ May 25, 2003, 12:57 PM: Message edited by: d_rose ]</small>

kathurt,
I will respond to you as this is your thread.

Wow..............

I was just about to ask you tewjtm if you were or had ever been married but it would seem that you will be marrying MM#1. Did he have any kids to his wife? If so, have you any idea what kind of effect it has on them?

Yes, he has one daughter w/ W. that is why he initially went back - she was pregnant. His daughter is now almost 2. She is a darling. we now have her 3 days a week. She is actively in the process of potty training and is doing well. She is asleep at the moment on her daddy's chest.

What will happen if he cheats again.....on you! How will this make you feel?

I imagine the same way a lot of BSs feel. I already know he has the capacity to cheat. We are quite open and he and I both plan A daily. Any man can cheat. Due to our history he is always trying to reassure me about his fidelity - even though I don't question it. Recently I had surgery. He got a cot and stayed at bedside so I wouldn't worry about where he was. I WANTED him to go home. I was in so much pain I wouldn't have cared if he had sex w/ the nurse at my bedside. He said that was the morphine talking and I mught wonder later.

My H is ashamed and full of guilt for what he has put me and my family through. He had his ego stroked and enjoyed it for a while but then he became afraid and ashamed of what he did and did not have the courage to back out. He was a stupid fool to risk all the years we shared. The years were happy until SHE came along. How do you know for sure that he was unhappy?

They both were. They maried too soon (2 mos after knowing each other). He was always at my house - even long after I was in other relationship and no longer intimate w/ him. I admit I was very concerned initially when we moved in together as I knew I'd never put up w/ him being gone so much. However, he is always home except when he is at work. If he wants to play a game of pool or football he akwats takes my 15-year-old son w/ him.

You are a mad woman to believe he will be any different to you....................

Well 16 months later he is still very different. He is very loving, good to me and the kids, and careful not to take me for granted. There are no unexplained absences etc. Yes, one day he may cheat. However, so might a man who has never married or been unfaithful.

I thank you for your reply.

I cannot understand what you have done. His wife must have gone through so much pain. So much hurt. Have you ever been hurt like that tewjtm?

My daughter is just beginning to speak to her father again. I do not think that he was prepared for the kids reaction to all this nightmare. My H is crushed at their emotions.When it all came out they did not want to speak to their father again, and they meant it.

I only thank god that the poor little girl is too young to truely understand what you have both done. Do you not feel any guilt in the fact that she wakes up some mornings and her daddy is not there to kiss her good morning?

16 months is not along time. Honeymoon period and all that........ I know I can speak for all BS on this site that I only hope you will never feel the heart breaking pain you have caused to his wife.

My opinion of OW. Well, they are selfish. No more no less. Heartless people who do not give a toss as to how anyone else is feeling. I do feel soo sorry that you cannot see what you have done.

"he is always trying to reassure me about his fidelity" Are you not worried about this? Don't you trust him.........

"There are no unexplained absences etc" funny neither did my H......................

Tew, the mention of THEIR daughter like that makes my stomach turn. If I had not had children, my pride would not have allowed me to take my H back. I love him dearly, but without my kids, I would not allow this kind of public humiliation. I would go and find someone else and take what I have learned and live life. Would it have been the best thing? No. It would have allowed our marriage to die out of pride.

I cannot imagine that you have much pride to be one that consistently goes after married men. I am not saying you do not love him, but you have started a relationship based upon lies, deceit and fantasy.

It truly makes me sick to think that H ow could be talking about potty training one of my children right now. They are our children, not the mistresses.

You will understand if you have children with him, become tired from breastfeeding, are tood damn tired to plan A constantly and then he goes off with a younger, more vibrant, woman, who makes him feel great. Then you can watch some other woman talk about your children's milestones in her presence.

To d-rose

I am not aware that I do not like tewjtm answers. I just do not understand them. I pride myself in saying that I am a person who likes people. I am fair in all I do, or try to be. My stance is "treat people the way you would like to be treated". This cannot apply to the OW around as I feel sure that they would not like the hurt we are all going through.

I made my mind up 5 weeks ago not to let the demon of HER get back into my head and I won't. I would like to get inside her head and find out what kind of person would treat another human being like this?

I love my husband dearly and I am trying with all my might to forgive and forget. If our relationship does die then it "won't be for want of trying" (A good old Scottish saying)....

TEW .....

Here's some "free" advice ..... cuz I like ya ....

STOP POSTING ON THE "JUST FOUND OUT" BOARD .....

This is where you will do the most damage.

Resist these threads ..... especially with the "just found out"crowd.

I know you don't "intend" to do damage, but, you do. Your attitude about your EMA(s) is not especially regretful. Your "reasons" and "explainations" are like acid in an open wound.

You're hurting more than helping.

Pep