someone please help me. i feel so lost. i have talked to family and friends, but they are all filled with so much anger that they don't really help. i just found out 2 weeks ago that my husband cheated on me with a married womand that he had known for only 3 days. i found out the night after i delivered our son by emergency c-section. he had been trying to tell me something for a couple of days and i guess i already knew in my heart what it was. i forced it out of him. i felt numb... i still do. i've never seen him cry, but he balled when he told me.we have a 2 year old daughter and i was due to give birth to our son in 2 weeks. he has been going through training to be a long distance truck driver for the past 6 months, so we've only seen each other a couple days out of every month.it has been very difficult, but we had a plan that we were going to drive together after the baby got a little older. we have been married 2 and a half years. he says it was just sex and that he was feeling lonely and missing me. he says he loves me with all of his heart and he begged me not to leave him. he's apoligized and asked what he can do to make it better. this hurts so much i feel like i can't breathe. how am i suppossed to trust him? everything has been turned upside down. i love him very much. this woman seduced him. he fell asleep in his hotel room while they were studying and instead of leaving, she climed in bed with him. when he woke her up to tell her to leave, she started kissing him. he says he just went stupid. she even had a condom to use. i hate this woman so much. i have times when i'm mad at him, but it's nothing compared to my anger towards this woman. he keeps asking me if we can work this out. i truly want to, but i'm not sure if i can. he's not even here to help me through this. talking about it on the phone is getting us nowhere. it's going to be a month before we get on the truck with him. i don't know if i can last that long. my husband is the love of my life. i feel shattered. can men really just have sex and not think about any of the consequences? what did this girl have that i don't? i feel so alone. can anyone give me some advice?

<small>[ May 26, 2003, 12:06 AM: Message edited by: docwhiz97 ]</small>

Be patient as someone will soon respond. Do you have a newborn son and if so are you planning on going on the road w/ him soon?

Have you read the MB concepts? If not do so. Also read, vent, and post here as often as you need. There are many great members here at MB and a wealth of information. And above all take care of yourself and your children. tew

docwhiz97

I can empathize. I recently found out that my wife of 12 years had a three to five month affair with a co-worker back in 1998. She never told me because, in part, she was afraid I would leave her. I only found out by asking a direct question that she couldn't avoid.

As far as advice: He told you, and I would take that as a good sign. He could have simply not said anything, and you might never have known. Also, he says he wants to stay with you. I think another good sign.

This is tough enough for me, having my wife here with me to work through this. I cannot imagine the difficulty you're experiencing with him away and you soon to deliver.

Explore this site, post questions, do whatever you need to do to remain strong for yourself and your baby. I know this has to be very overwhelming.

A friend of mine once told me that the only way to eat an elephant is one bite at a time. Take it day by day, and good luck.

Jake.

Hi Doc

Things get kind of slow here on the weekends and holidays can drag on forever when you are in pain. Just hang on and keep bumping your post to the top, that gets it more attention.

Tew gave you good advice. Read , Read and read some more. Until folks get back from the holiday read the basic concepts, visit as many threads as you can and learn from the experience of others who have been there before you. Not all stories are exactly like yours but all have felt the same anger, pain, confusion and humiliation. come here and vent all your emotions. We are here to listen and advise. If we can do nothing else we can agree that we want to kick his butt for being a knucklehead. Now wouldn't that be productive?

Hey tell me about the new baby! Yeah all the details. Boy/girl, when, length, weight, all that stuff. Fat old men love to spoil little ones. My youngest grandbaby is 22 months and lives 600 miles away. Grandpa don't get enough time with her. Six altogether, all rotten. Must be grandma's fault.

Gotta go for now, but I will be thinking of you.

Agape. fudd.

double post

<small>[ May 27, 2003, 09:42 AM: Message edited by: johnh39 ]</small>

This is the most painful thing most of us ever experience. (If there is something worse, I don't want to know what it is.) 1.) Click on the link in my signature line for information on the path to recovery. 2.)I don't think he is being completely honest with you, yet. 3.)Tell her husband - you'd want to know in his position, wouldn't you?

yes, i have a 16 day old baby boy. he was 7 lbs. 6 oz., 20 1/2 in. born at 1:40 pm on 5/10/03.he has blonde hair and the cutest dimples. he has his daddy's chin, but the rest of him looks like my baby pictures, chubby cheeks and all. i also have a 22 month old daughter. she looks just like her dad. she has beautiful green eyes and sandy blonde hair. she is a great big sister and she loves her daddy very much. the thought of what this could do to them makes it hurt even more. i feel like i have to give it a chance, even if it's just for them. it wouldn't be just for them though. i love my husband very much. i trusted him with everything and now that's gone. he gets irritated because i am constantly asking him questions about her and wanting to talk about what this is doing to me. he said that he thinks i don't believe him when he tells me that he loves me. i know that he loves me, but that doesn't erase the pain and he doesn't understand that.

Hi Doc.

I bet it wouldn't take a week to spoil that little bundle of joy. He sounds like a real cuty.
To bad mom has to be going through so much pain right now when she could be so happy and contented. The one good thing I can say here is that your husband was honest enough to tell you about his failure. He is probably beating himself up pretty badly so he don't need any help on that score. Now we just have to get the two of you on the same level of communications.

Have you read the basic concepts yet? I printed them out and placed them in a notebook. Both my wife and I have copies on our desks. Close at hand at all times makes it easy to open and reinforce in our minds.

I understand that your husband is in school at the present, and with the new baby you probably havent much spending cash on hand so I don't suggest that you spend what little you have on the Harleys books. I will however suggest that you try your local library to see if they have them. Ask the folks here to tell you what is in them, they are good at paraphrasing here.

Keep coming back and asking, Hey the folks here sleep better after they have helped someone. It also helps them even if they don't tell you so.

Good lord it's almost 2 in the morning and this fat old man can't afford to loose to much beauty sleep ( Wife says I look like an insomniac. Actualy Will Geere)so I had better shut down and fall into bed.

Good night and god bless you and those lovely babies.

Agape. fudd.

Hi Doc,
What you are feeling right now are all normal feelings. They will pass only with the help of God. Take it from someone who has been on both sides of the coin and recently I became the offending spouse. I can't say if your husband is telling you the truth or not as someone has posted. Only you will know that in your heart. The real question is what led him to do what he did. It is usually some unfulfillment in the marriage. It would be probably something you were not doing for him, he would say. However, it doesn't excuse him for what he has done. Maybe he was seduced, maybe he wasn't. But why give a person the opportunity? Boundaries is where he seems to have failed. These are very important to the commitment of marriage. when we set boundaries they tell us what we are going to do before hand should I find myself in an uncompromising position. Was it really just sex? probably so. If his story is accurate there had not been enough time to establish an emotional connection. Can men or women just have sex without thinking about the consequences? Not really. We choose to ignore the consequences. There is a consequence for every action whether good or bad. My wife and I has made remarkable recovery. It was really a divine intervention from God that kept us together. I had shattered all of her hopes, trust and dreams. Divorce was just around the corner. But I prayed for her, myself and our marriage, being truly repentive to God and her. However, we were together everyday to work through this thing. It will be difficult to work through it with him not there. This is the time when those consequences come up. He has to make a decision what is more important to him right now. If it was me, I'd have to find a job later after my marriage is on it's way through the healing process. But here's the bottom line and I can't stress this enough. Let go of it and turn it over to God. Tell God I can't handle this You will have to do this for me. I'm trusting you because you are a God of restoration and reconciliation. Your word is true and I hold you to your word to heal me, my husband and restore my marriage. In my situation, it was exactly one month after I had disclosed my affair to my wife in the presence of our Pastor. Since, God has worked a miracle and changed my life, my wife's life. Healed her broken heart and mind, restored trust back in me and now we have a deeper love and commitment than ever before. And we've been on a second honeymoon for the past week now, if you know what I mean! Cast your care Doc, for he cares for you. Pray and seek God.

Hi Doc,

Everytihing is going to be OK. The best thing here is that he told you. Mine was trying to tell me when someone else let the cat out of the bag. This happens in a lot of marriages. This is not a fatal blow, it is a wake up call. He was wrong. He did the wrong thing. He should have talked to you, but amybe didn't even know this. No excuse.

You are feeling pain, and anger. He has ruined a joyful occasion. He also has cheated at a typical point in a relationship. Recovery is possible.

Read everything here on this site. We know how you are feeling. We have been there, and are here for you-

We are nearly 2 years out and have a wonderful relationship now, not that it was terrible before. We don't take each other for granted anymore, and he is just as worried that I will leave him instead.

You are married, not dating. This is why you pull together and not apart. You have history and family. Post here, these are the best people in the whole world. Together they have (we) have been thru alot. We are here for you. It will be different, but it can be better!

Jersey Girl

i just wanted to say thank you to everyone for your support. it has really helped. sometimes i feel like i'm going crazy and i feel like i'm completely alone. my H was the only person that has every supported me, no matter how crazy my ideas were. now i feel like i have no one. i'm so depressed. i hate to admit this, but i've actually thought about killing myself. this hurts so much. i could never go through with that. i love my kids way too much and in my mind i know this will get better. i feel numb.

Sort of off the topic, but I'm worried about the long-haul trucking thing. My husband did it for three years on and off, and it was very tough on me as a newlywed (no kids). Is it possible for him to get something closer to home?

I find hope in your husbands confession and his tears. He knows in his heart he did something wrong. That's the first step to doing something right.

i know that he is remorseful. i can hear it in his voice and i could see it in his eyes the night that he told me. i was having a very hard time believing that he still loves me, and i told him that. he makes it a point to call and tell me that he loves me, even if that's all he time to say. it is very hard to not be with him, especially now, when i need him the most. I know that we will get through this. we are both committed to fixing what is wrong and to have a better marriage. it's weird, but his A might actually end up making our relationship better, rather than ending it. i'm still very hurt and i'm still crying a lot, but i now have hope that we can make it. he is putting forth a lot of effort to let me know that he is not talking to the other woman and that he wants to be with me. i still don't understand why he would risk our family for some woman he can just toss aside like this. it makes no sense to me, but i guess it never will.