I'm confused and I want to make sure I'm not making mistakes...my WH has been sleeping in a guest room in our house for a month since he came home after getting kicked out. In our conversation the other day, he mentioned how he's horny. His biggest EN's that the OW had been meeting are SF and admiration (for his sexual prowness). Given the fact that we once had a disaster lovemaking attempt a couple of weeks ago and he's admitted that he's not making efforts to cut off his emotional ties with her (I don't think he's had sex with her for a month now) since the disaster, do I ask him what I can do to release the tension, or do I leave him alone? He's pulled towards the OW, so I'm desparate to avoid any more pitfall. Thanks for your advice.

I'm sure others will reply, but my perspective would be that you shouldn't. Plan A (to my understanding) is about meeting his needs AFTER the end of the A. If he is still emotionally connected to her, the A is not over, he is just getting to eat at home as well as out.

If he was not happy with the SF and admiration at home he had the option to discuss it with you and resolve it. He CHOSE another route. My advice would be to hold strong and negotiate the end of the A. Maybe even be more bold - like "I'd like that but only in the context of an exclusive and loving marriage in which you also meet my needs". Be nice to him in other ways and maybe even tease him just a bit <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

My 2c worth

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Plan A (to my understanding) is about meeting his needs AFTER the end of the A. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I was going to write that your understanding of this is incorrect, but Willard Haley writes in What Are Plan A and Plan B?: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> In these negotiations for total separation, the causes of the affair should be addressed. Since one of these causes is usually unfulfilled emotional needs, the betrayed spouse should express a willingness to meet those needs after the affair has ended. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So, it seems you ARE correct. However, for many couples, the only way for the BS to prove that they CAN meet the WS's emotional needs is to do so during Plan A, so many couples do find themselves in the situation you describe: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> If he is still emotionally connected to her, the A is not over, he is just getting to eat at home as well as out. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It is the major pitfall of Plan A, the reason Plan A is not effective for a lot of people, and the reason Plan B is often necessary. Plan B is scary because it may result in the end of the marriage, but there are no guarantees for recovery from an A no matter what plan one person follows. If BOTH spouses follow the steps outlined in the link in my signature line, you've got a great chance - like better than 99% - but still not 100%. When one spouse is reluctant to work on things, no matter how good the spouse that is working on the relationship does their part, the odds go down substantially. When only one spouse is willing to work ont he marriage, Plan A followed by Plan B have about the best chance out there, but they are really just strategies to get the reluctant spouse on the path to recovery.

I really think one of the weaknesses of this site and "Survivng an Affair" is the lack of detail and examples of what constitutes a good Plan A. There are some good posts on the subject, however, inclding: Zorweb on Plan A and Cerri on Plan A.

Plan A has many parts. It is about being a better person than you ever were before. It is about proving to YOURSELF that you can reach those goals of self improvement. Alongside that, ideally, your WS will take notice of your changes. This is where CONSISTENCY OF YOUR ACTIONS is so vital. Your ultimate goal is to show your WS that your M is a SAFE ENVIRONMENT to return home to.

It is also about meeting and fulfilling your WS's EN's as best you can, without crossing over your boundaries. This is where many BS's feel like a "doormat", b/c they are working hard to fulfil the EN's of their WS, and getting very little love deposits in return.

achingheart: Whether or not you choose to ask your H whether or not you can help him to release the tension, is up to YOU. Are you talking of helping him with SF? If so, I can assure you that MANY of us BS's did that for our WS's during our plan A's (myself included). If you will not regret it after the fact, then my opinion is to go ahead and meet that need, if he wants that from you. You can still proceed with caution... in fact you MUST. For example, if you choose to have oral sex or intercourse, make sure to use a CONDOM. Protecting YOURSELF is one of the most valuable lessons in plan Aing and setting boundaries. Yes, it could be an LB to your H... but you can easily answer truthfully, that until he can commit to the M, and you can know that all is safe, then in order for SF to happen, protection must be used.

Karen

Your husband is deeply emotionally connected to this woman. He hurts for her when he is not around her. He wants to fulfill her every need. Here we have a turn around situation. The lover has become the wife and the wife the intruder. His boundaries are twisted in not letting you in to protect the affair. All aspects of the affair must be cut off in order for healing to begin. Does he really want to be restored in his marriage? Does he want to be with the OW. the decision is his. Your place is you are available to love him and meet his every need should he choose to stay and make it a go. But don't throw yourself at him. The ball is in his court, let him come to you. If you ask him what you need to do to help him, will it be you he's thinking about or will it be her. You may want to say "I know you are still in love with the OW but the only way we can begin our life again is for you to commit totally to me. It is your choice and I can not make it for you. I will be waiting for your decision. Should you choose to commit to me we can work on these things together".

My best goes to you and always pray and ask God for wisdom.

Thank you all for your advice. Just to give you an update...My H has resumed seeing the OW exactly one month after he came home from the 10-day exile immediately following the D-Day. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> Just about the same time he resumed contact with her, I decided to offer him my help for release and has been doing so. I also moved his stuff from the guest room to our bedroom and he's now sleeping in the same bed with me. Still, he's seen her and had sex with her at least twice, maybe three times in a week. Nothing makes sense that he has no problem having sex with her and coming home and sleeping in the same bed with me, but at this stage, that's normal...?

I don't know if I've become stronger or what, but most of the time I'm not upset. I do appreciate, though, emotional support to be stronger and wiser to continue with Plan A.

I wonder why is it you trust to believe he is NOT having sex with her when he is seeing her?

why is he seeing her?
why do you want to even be with him while he is seeing her?
and
the biggest question is why are you allowing him
to do this to you?

Why do you think if you let him have his cake and eat it too that eventually he will blow the candles out on the other cake and come home to you?

has he trapped you in his snare again?
please think about this,
what if she is messing around on him. she contacts something..then you get it..but you beleive he is not seeing her for sex so he won't tell you if he got something.

he has never been honest before so why do you think he is telling the truth now?

you do not have to respond to this..respond to yourself about this...
don't let him pull you down into the pit again.
one of my husbands thing was..

I would say I can't do this again it hurts sooo much you have no idea what you have done to us.
he would say "you will see things will be even better you'll see and it won't happen again."
I believed him every time he assured me I would forget and he would be wonderful for 2 0r 3 days and then back to the drinking and carousing..being late etc arguments same ole same ole..
please be happy don't be miserable and crying all the time. IT WON"T get better till you stop letting him have his other life. then perhaps you can work on it, but he has to want it. if your afraid he won't come home to you if he is with her well he is not there now anyway not his heart..he is using you..is what my husband did.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />
and the worst part was I let him do it over and over thinking this is the time I wanted so much to have a good marriage a husband that would come home to me..
Keep on Keeping on.

Sounds like Plan B time.