Hi all!

I hope you're able to understand what I write - I'm a 43 year old (young :-)) woman from Denmark and my english is not the best.

8 weeks ago my husband went to Spain for a 5 week pilgrimage - "The Camino" - a 800 km. (religious) walk from the French border to Santiago de Compostela on the east coast of Spain. I was willing to let him do this because I knew he needed that trip to clarify himself, - to learn more about himself. I trusted him in every way as I've always trusted him in our 14 years together.

When he had been walking for a week I noticed a change in the way he talked to me on the phone - he was taking a cellphone with him so that we (our son is 13 years old) could always get in touch with him. There was a distance on the phone... I can't point my finger on what it was - It was just a feeling I had...

He metioned that he had met a woman from Australia and they talked and walked together most days. He told me he met a lot of other interesting people too (40.000 people from all over the world are walking the Camino to Santiago every year)
When we talked on the phone he always assured med that he loved me and missed me.

Well - I was suspicious and jealous for the first time in our M and I cried a lot during his abcense.

When he came home after 5 weeks I picked him up in the Airport, he cried a bit, and I thought he was just so happy to see me and everything was wonderful the first 5 days. We had great sex and even though he cried a bit at one point, I was willing to believe that he was only in a state of withdrawal from the happy days of the Camino.
The fifth day I felt an urge to ask him if he was in love with the Australian girl - he refused to answer - I realize now that it came as a chock to him that I could know about the Affair.
He eventually said yes - they had been in love and making love for a month!!!!!!
Needless to say I was sad, angry, confused and devastated!!

After a couple of days with cold air between us he told me that he wanted a divorce - too many bad years - no need to try again... etc. etc. saying it was my fault - but that the affair wasn't planned - it just happened. He's seriously in love with that girl!

He calls her on the phone - she calls him (even when he's at home.
I've told him that i love him and I think his descision about leaving me (us) is too hasty.
He's been very cold and reluctant to all my suggestions and I have to let him go!
Tonight I told him that if after 2 weeks from now he's still not willing to work on our relationship, he'll have to leave our home and I'll have no conversation with him apart from issues regarding our son.
Then he said that he's confused and he don't know what he wants... he wants more time to make up his mind.
Should he blow up the marriage or should he be alone? There is no way he can continue a longterm relationship with the loved one from Australia if he's realistic about it - but he is not thinking 'real life' and consequences right now... he's in love.
I have foregiven the affair - I want him in my life. What I DON'T want is him and her to continue their relationship. He says that he cannaot break up with her - he loves her - and they have to keep contact over the phone.

Please give me some feedback or ask questions. I've only told you the most essential. I'm at a crossroad and I'm feeling insecure and sad.

What you are feeling is normal. So is his confusion in this situation.

I have lots of reading to recommend, but it is mostly in english. I know that Harely's book "His Needs, Her Needs" is available in French and German: "Elle et Lui: Une union a proteger " and “Meine Wünsche - deine Wünsche”, respectively. If either of those languages is closer to your heart, get those versions, not the english. But the critical book to get (also by Harley) is: "Surviving an Affair". I know of no better book on the subject. Order it on-line from this web site or amazon.com.

There are a lot of resources that you can investigate while you wait for SAA to arrive in the mail. Click on the link below in my signature line to get started.

hi danish!

to help you, you may want to read randyrails posting from the very beginning! randy and your husband are in some sort of fantasy land where there was absolutely no responsibility for each of the own actions! go back to his old postings.
back to late march early april and you can probably see a lot of your husband in him!
also read all of my postings and the responses as well!
my heart is with you. we are kind of in the same situation.
ali
ps. your english is wonderful! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thank you so much for your kind replies! It's very much appreciated.
I read all the posts you suggested me to read, but I must tell you I'm crying right now.
I've told my H that I forgive him - that I love him and I'll do anything to save our marriage - but we can't communicate at all - it's like talking to a wall. He don't seem to understand how much I hurt. He lies there beside me in bed - cold as ice. I took his hand in mine and after two minutes he shook me off. I'm crying while he sleeps safe and sound!
He's planning on 'her' to visit him this summer - in the house where we lived together for 10 years!!! - as soon as I find an appartment! (She is travelling on a around-the-world-trip, she could easily come to Denmark but it's not possible for her to stay here forever!) I read it in an E-mail he wrote to a friend.
I want him to wake up soon!
Our son is so sad - we told him that mom and dad are having serious problems and that we could end up divorcing.
I'm acting pretty normal during the daytime - try to act sweet and happy. At night when our son is asleep and I'm allowed to show my true feelings - I'm feeling awful.
No communication - cold air. I need H to recognize my sorrow and grief and I need him to hold me and comfort me....

Another question:
Can anyone explain to me why my H is so evil to me suddently? Normally he's a nice person.
Is it at symptom from being 'in the fog'?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by DanishWoman:
<strong>Another question:
Can anyone explain to me why my H is so evil to me suddently? Normally he's a nice person.
Is it at symptom from being 'in the fog'?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Because in order to 'justify' HIS CHOICE in having an A(affair), he needs to do what most WS(wayward spouses) do to their BS(betrayed spouses) and which is to demonize you. And yes it is part of being 'in the fog' or being 'abducted by aliens and having his brain re-programmed'.

I am sorry to hear of your problems. You will find many answers by reading the material on thi web site. There is a lot of insight here.

I do have a question. Why is it that you are leaving the family home? I assume that if you do leave, then your will be taking your son with you. It would seem to me that if your husband wants to spend time with this other woman (OW) then he should be the one to leave and have the discomfort of having to set up a new place to live.

zorweb>>>>>

Thanks! I've read almost everything on this MB looking for answers and advise and I'm finding most of it very helpful in order to understand what's going on in my life.

I'm the one leaving the house, yes. I don't want to but I think it's the best for our son. He's 13 an he loves his dad and would be best of if we live close to each other. I'm able to rent an appartment close by and H is not. He'd have to move far away. Economics are bad for both of us.

I told H that if he after 2 weeks from now still rejects to be with me, he'll have to live at his moms place until I move out. That made him angry - that would be very uncomfortable for him I think.
Son will see both of us and we'll share him and his time between us as good as possible. ere in Denmark you can't just take the kids and move - they have a great deal to say about what they want too. Son is 13 years old.

I have another question for you... should I tell my son about the affair? He thinks that both me and H is working on the marriage to continue - but I feel that he should know that dad is not even trying and that I'd do ANYTHING to restore the intimacy and love between us????
I feel like we are both betraying our son, and all I want is the truth to be revealed so that he can see it's not me who wants the separation...

I don't know what to do....

DW,

As for telling your son, Dr. Harley advises that he children should be told. The reason he says this is that children pick up on the undertones of their parents’ relationship. They feel that there is something going on. If they are not told, then they are taught to ignore such things and pretend that nothing is wrong. If your husband’s affair is such a wonderful thing for him then why should he care if his son knows.. do you understand where I am coming from? Tell your son, not to make him think badly of his father, but to help him understand what is going on.

But do be careful as having an affair is a selfish thing. Your husband is behaving selfish and immature. Immature people can be very vindictive when angered. I would simply tell your son the facts.. “Your father is having an affair. He wants us to move out so that he can have his new girlfriend visit him. While this is going on there is not way any marital recovery work can go on. I hope that one day your father will feel differently, see the good in our relationship and want to restore it.”

By the way, MB also advises that the BS tell all close friends and family members. Nothing ends an affair faster then exposing it to the light of day. An affair is by nature based on deceit and secrecy. Again, if this affair is such a wonderful think in his life, why should he not rejoice in everyone knowing? You should not shoulder the burden of having to keep this very hurtful secret at the expense of your not getting the support you need. Another reason is that your husband has some one to lean on right now.. HER. You need a support system. And remember, telling people about this is not to embarrass or punish your husband so if you do it do so wisely and without saying bad things about him. Some day you may very well want the same people to support you and he rebuilding your marriage. God willing.

Even though it would be a hardship on your husband, I still would advise you not to leave your marital home. The idea is to disrupt your and your son’s lives as little as possible and to put as much pressure on the affair as possible. If he can stay in the home and not even have to lift one piece of furniture to carry on, then the affair is easy for him. It maintains a fantasy that the affair is easy and good. If on the other hand he has to be uncomfortable, say at his mother’s, then he may start seeing the affair very differently. And I have to tell you, if my son were to ask me if he could stay with me so he could cheat on his wife, I’d tell him to go live in a park or a homeless shelter. A man takes responsibility for his own life and actions. I would not be party to such a thing.

That made him angry - that would be very uncomfortable for him I think.

I hope his anger does not manifest itself physically. I don’t know that laws in Denmark, but here in the USA, if a spouse becomes physical we can call the police and have them removed from the home. Again this is a protection for you and your son. It is also another way to let he reality of his mental state and the affair dawn on him. Just want to make sure you are safe.. I realize that he may never get physically violent.

in Denmark you can't just take the kids and move - they have a great deal to say about what they want too. Son is 13 years old.

It is similar in the USA, a parent cannot remove a child from the family home without the other parent’s permission. And as a child gets older, the courts listen to their desire more readily.

I don't know what to do....

Have you started to Plan A your husband? You may want to read the thread linked in my signature block about Plan A and doormats. It is meant to give practical advice on what to do during this terrible time.

I wish you well.

Other reasons for your not moving out is the chance of marital recovery goes way down once a couple separates. It’s just to easy, once apart to stay apart and not deal with the marital issues. If your husband lives with you, then he will eventually have to start facing you and the issues. And you will have a chance to Plan A him and come a even better wife.

Oh, In Plan A MB also advises that you contact the OW once, letting her know that you and he are still together, that she is interfereing with a marriage and a child’s life. And ask her to step aside so that you can all work on your marriage and family. She will probably not end the affair, but at least she will know that he is still married. Chances are that he has already told her that you are not living together and getting a divorce, or already divorced. That may be why he needs you to leave the house.. so that he can support his lie. Wayward spouses (WS) generally lie to both their spouse and to the other person (OP).

Why don’t you suggest that he can stay at his mom’s and then when the OW comes, they can stay in a hotel. Seems reasonable to me.

Your English is very good, absolutely clear. You might consider delaying any attempt to rent an apartment. If he is uncomfortable with the situation - he'll have to deal with it.

My normally nice husband turned mean too. If it is any consolation after all was over he finds it hard to believe that he did and said the things that he did. Some people talk about their spouse being abducted by aliens. That sure described my husband.

This is really really hard. Read up on Plan A and try to stay strong.

Thanks hanora & zorweb.

I'm now determined Plan A as long as needed!

I really love H and has forgiven him the A. He's not seeing the OP but he wants her to come visit him here in Denmark this summer. She is now in London or Dublin.
H says that even if he can't have a relationship with the OP he still wants a divorce <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
I had NO idea our M was that bad!!!

H wants to stay here until he finds another place to live I think? He's also very clear about his feelings and actions - he'll never be able to continue M (lack of love for me).
He wants us to deal with all the practical issues as soon as possible - bank accounts, filing for seperation papers, - telling our son today about it all including the A.

H is not a violent person, never has been.

I think I might have put too much pressure on him - asking him several times if he had made up his mind and telling him how much I hurt?

I feel that as long as he's living here I might still have a chance to make a good impression on him?
I'll keep posting in "He's leaving - he hates me".

Good...

And remember that the purpose of Plan A is to negotiate the end of the affair and his return to work on the marriage.

My heart goes out to you, I know that this is very difficult and hurtful.