Ok, new to this forum. I am not even sure if this is the right place to post. I have read over the site, but I am lost as to what to do right now. Anyone out there have any advice?

Basically, my marriage and life in general are a mess right now. My wife started to not ever be home a few weeks back. She would be gone all night and all weekend sometimes, with friends as far as I know. I have no reason to disbelieve her. She is pretty honest, if for no other reason than to hurt me. She is not hiding what she is doing as far as I can see. When I started to question her about it she told me that she had not done anything with anyone, but that she was looking. I had ignored her and our marriage for to long and she could not take it anymore. This is true, I had withdrawn from the relationship for nearly 4 years because of a previous affair she had on me. I was just in so much pain and we never resolved it. I was protecting myself, but I was also ruining any possible reconcilation. My wife during this time did try to be a good wife and work on the relationship, I was the problem at this time. It is no wonder she is looking for something else now, she just wants to be happy.

Upon further questioning, I found out that she wanted to be back with my oldest daughters biological father. He lives in another State. She told me that he had asked her to marry him, that she had agreed, and that she already considered us divorced in her mind. She told me she had been to see a lawyer and that she was definatly persueing divorce. I didn't know what to think, I was betrayed all over again, I have been hurting ever since.

I am pretty sure that I am a codependant person. I don't feel I can be happy without her and I go to great lengths to try to make her happy, but it only pushes her away even more.

So, anyhow, I let her know how sorry I was for being a jerk for the past few years, but we were beyond the point where words have any meaning. She just does not believe me. I explained that I wanted to change for the better , but she sees it just as an excuse to stay together for my own selfish reasons. I can't say I blame her. She says it is over, and I just need to accept that, and that there is nothing I could possibly do to change her mind. She refuses to get any counciling or any help at all. She is done.

She has a long history of manic depression, and has always suffered from incredible mood swings. I also suffer from depression and have panic attacks on occasion, this situation has caused me to have more than normal. I know this is alot and I am jumping around, but there is more to tell than I can possibly remember.

Anyhow, last week I find out that for some reason the thing with this guy is not going to happen. I do not know which one of them broke it off or why.She was very, very depressed for the last few days, and she refuses to talk about it with me. It has not changed how she feels about me in any way, I feel like I am watching a bad movie. I can see the show, but I can't change the ending. Now I believe she is looking for something else to fill that huge hole she has in her. She is still gone every day, often getting in very late or else spending the night at friends.

I just can't take it anymore. I am suffering greatly here, I miss her so much all the time. I feel like if I complain I will make it worse. She says she does not love me anymore and I believe her. She is to angry at me to try. I don't know, there is alot more but I don't think I can possibly list it all here. I still love her ,but I am giving up hope. I am depressed and I can not think clearly at all right now. If someone could help, I need guidance as to which direction I should take with this.

Fred

Fred,
I am new at this site also, so I won't be able to help like the "old pros', but sometimes posts are slow on the weekend. Just wanted to encourage you that this is a great place to begin the healing process and to learn how to communicate with your spouse, and how to meet one another's needs. Read everything in the basic concepts and infidelity sections. You both do have a lot of issues, but nothing that can't be managed. Are you seeing a doctor about the depression and/or panic attacks? I used to have those and know what suffering they bring. And I can't not mention prayer...
Keep coming to the site! Don't despair! Get busy reading and praying and examining everything with total honesty--that's my 2 cents worth to you, friend.

hey Fred(said in a barney rubble voice),

You are in the right place, my friend. Recovery starts with you and you seem to be already exploring your issues. Just know that this isn't all about you. You have some blame to the state of your marriage but it seems that your wife has brought a few issues to the table also.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> So, anyhow, I let her know how sorry I was for being a jerk for the past few years, but we were beyond the point where words have any meaning. She just does not believe me. I explained that I wanted to change for the better , but she sees it just as an excuse to stay together for my own selfish reasons. I can't say I blame her. She says it is over, and I just need to accept that, and that there is nothing I could possibly do to change her mind. She refuses to get any counciling or any help at all. She is done. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is where you work on yourself. Go to counseling, work hard at changing the patterns that you, as well as the rest of us, fall into sometimes and read through the plan A stuff here. I think John39 has a link in his signature line as well as worthatry.

I know that this is some hard stuff to deal with but you'll find that you are probably a lot stronger than you thought. Talk to a pastor or therapist. Look into the anti-d medicine, they do help.

BW02 said

Get busy reading and praying and examining everything with total honesty--that's my 2 cents worth to you, friend.

That advice is worth much more than 2 cents.

God bless you

Yep, start with Plan A. Some good links are imbedded in the link in my signature line.

Many things I failed to mention in the first post.

My wife had a child from the first affair.

I was consumed by a video game the last 4 years to avoid facing my problems.(why my wife is so resentful mostly)

I have been attending a technical school for nearly the past two years. This put alot of stress on us.

I had no job during this time.

My wife is very controlling, and I let her walk all over me. I am not sure how to reverse this without causing further harm bymaking her angry at me.

I am not in couceling or on medication. Mostly because I can not afford either right now. I did get a job at a temp agency because I can not find anything in my field right now(computers). Getting a job was the first big change I tried to make, but I am only making 6.50 an hour and with 5 kids, thats just not really possible to do. She takes it all anyhow. I am still looking for something else but it does not look good right now. I don't have much to offer her right now , I am not stable at all, and she won't let me support her in the emotional areas.I am seriously considering leaving, I am pretty sure that if she is not involved with someone else already, then she will be. I am at my wits end and really am losing all hope. The worst part is that she won't get help with me. That tears me up. I am a constant emotional wreck, so it is even harder for me to do the things I need too, such as help with the kids, care for the house, and get another job. I think part of why I am struggleing with this, is that I really do not blame her for what is happening to us. A big part of it is my fault. Yes, she ultimatly made some wrong desicions, but I put her in a bad spot that made those desicions look good. I did read through the plan A stuff, but I am not sure I am understanding it...you guys say it is for me to work on, but it reads like both people have to be willing. I don't know, gonna look again.

Well, I found out why she won't get help for our problems. You guessed it, she has been seeing another man all along. It makes me think back over all the lies she has told me. I can't say it is a surprise ,but it still hurts knowing for sure now. She tells me he is great, makes her happy and truly cares about her. I don't know, she seems serious, but I can't convince myself that it is going to work for her. She says they are going to get married and wants a divorce. I can't see it working out, I don't even see why any guy would want to be with a married woman who has five children already. Is it just me?

I have left the home, she was driving me crazy and now I know why. It erks me to think about how many nights I stayed up worrying about her and taking care of all the kids while she is out doing her thing. I was trying to support her so she could not be trapped in that house. Help, what to do, is this worth saving, I am having my doubts, and she won't get help at this point, she thinks she has found Mr. Right.

I forgot to say, I went to see her tonight, thats when she told me. I didn't know what to do, I didn't get mad. I just told her I figured something was going on and that I never treated her very well and I can understand and I want her to be happy. I took off my wedding ring and placed it in her hand, I told her that if she could ever forgive me and trust me again, to give it back. I am not sure that was the best thing to do ,but it was how I felt. Now I am becoming more upset that I am back at my place and thinking of all the lies over the past few weeks. She will be going to Welfare and Domestic Relations tommorow to get custody of the kids and make sure I pay support. I am staying with friends and my finacial situation is still poor right now. I am wondering if I should get a lawyer or protect myself somehow or what other steps I should take. I can't exactly afford rent right now, I know I can't afford a lawyer.

Someone help please! Hardly slept last night and I am really hurting right now. I hardly feel like going to work, it is onl;y sheer willpower that is making me right now. I don't really have many friends that can understand this and they get tired of me talking about it. Please, I need advice and ways to cope, I can't afford medication or couciling.

STOP BEING SO HARD ON YOURSELF.....STOP, STOP, STOP!!!!! Yes, maybe yall had problems that needed to worked on in your marriage, and alot of marriage couseling. BUT!!! You did not turn to another during your marriage....YOUR WIFE DID!!!! She had a child out of wedlock and then another affair. Just turning to others to solve your marital problems is a "COP OUT". Plain and simple....she didnt seem to learn the first time around. If you stay married to this woman, every time you have difficulities in your marriage....no matter what they are....she will turn to another. That is the way I see it.

Thats the part I am afraid of. Are all marriages worth saving? I really want to save my marriage, but I am wondering if it is worth it or not. It does not feel worth it, but I want to do the right thing. The big thing is I need to learn how to cope with this pain. I don't know if it is this bad for everyone, I know it bad ,but it is all I obsess over. I play things out differnet ways in my head, how it happened, how can I get her back, it is nuts and all the time. I think I am going crazy, I literally did go crazy the first time. I see it all happening over again the the same thing all over. I just want this constant pain to stop, and yes I have been having brief thoughts of suicide, although I am trying to control them.

I would say your marriage looks bleak in my opinion. She is a repeat cheater......usually that is a sign they cant stop. I would bounce.

You and I have so many similarities in our marriage and our character. My WS started cheating on me within 2 years of our marriage. Then another affair then another for the last 6 months. All along I would think I deserved it. It was my fault my failure to communicate and meet her emotional needs. Well, yes to an extent I contributed to our problems, but in reality I never deserved to be treated like dirt and basically when your spouse cheats on you they disrespect you tremendously and don't care a wit about your feelings.

Even last month I was devastated. I let her stay in the home hoping she would stop seeing OM. A month went by and she has been seeing him all along lying to me and our daughter constantly. My self esteem was at a low point and as much as I love her, must be a co-dependent attachment like you, I told her not to come home until she ended the relationship with OM. Fat chance of that.

But at least now I have my dignity, standards and character intact. I can go on and work on myself and what I need to do for my life. I can't control her actions and don't need her in my face lying and cheating.

I never in a million years thought I would be in this place where I see that in her current condition she is dangerous to my health, mentally, physically and spiritually. If she changed dramatically, I'd probably give it another try, but I don't see it happening. I'd ask yourself what is best for you now. Your health and wellbeing.
------------------------------------------------
Me BS 51
WS 47
married 24 years
D-Day #1 1980
D-Day #2 1981
D-Day #3 1987
D-Day #4 April 2003

<small>[ June 02, 2003, 04:52 PM: Message edited by: Joquin1 ]</small>

You need to get a lawyer to prevent her from screwing you over. If you can't afford one check with the law society or association and see if you can get legal aid.

Well, I think I have come to the conclusioon that she is bad for my health as well. Now my concern is my kids. I will have a decent case in court to get them except for one thing....I left the home. I am thinking of going back just so she can't nail me with abandonment, I don't think the marriage will work, but she is now having this guy over and thats not good for my children. Like the guy above said, she is the one having the affair, I am willing to work on my issues. If someone needs to leave, it is her. I called the local Police Department, and they told me I could go back, as long as I had been helping with the bills and living there that the only way to get me to leave is to have me evicted, which she has to have a cause. Either way, if I am evicted, at least I was forced to leave. I have been under so much stress that I just can't think clearly. I am not sure this is the best idea in the world, I am hoping I have the right to say that man can't be at our house, and that she needs to take it elsewhere. Yea, talk about your love busters. At this point I think I can only show her I am willing to work it out with actions, by being there, taking care of the children and paying the bills. I don't think I should hold on to hope though, thats what is killing me. I don't know. Wish me luci, gonna do this tommorow after work once I think about it somemore, I need to stop being so impulsive. Now, like I said, I do feel I am going crazy, so if anyone thinks that maybe this is not the best idea, please say so.

I think it is a great idea for you to back to your home. I'd also ask him to leave. Stand your ground. She may not like it but look at what it is doing to you and your kids. I'd say it was time for Plan A or B, but I'm no expert at that because I'm headed for a divorce. Good luck.

Well, that didn't go so well. I called the police and checked with them first to see if I would have any problems going back. They told me I wouldn't and I could even break in and not be in trouble because it was my home. I got the persons name I talked with and wrote it down. I go over, she lets me in, we start talking, adn I tell her that I have thought about it and I need to be there with my kids and I am not leaving. She gets really angry and calls the police to have me removed. They get there and all is good until she tells them I voluntarily vacted the premeses. At first they said she can't make me leave, but that all she had to do was SAY I put a hand on her and they would have to arrest me. Then they told me I had to leave because I left on my own. Time to get a lawer I guess. This just isn't worth it.