What do I do? I'm pretty sure my H and OW have got in touch with each other and they may have a rendezvous planned this evening as my H has informed me that he's working OT. What do I do???

Drop off a snack for him at work...

...

<small>[ May 27, 2003, 07:46 PM: Message edited by: achingheart8670 ]</small>

Well...it didn't take much to find out that my H did see the OW and had sex with her in his car last night after finishing the OT work. I wasn't mad or angry; I was very calm, which surprised him. I told him that I know what he did last night and that I ask him to leave the office at 5:30 today. I told him that he should take more time to decide what he wants to do since there is so much at stake. I also told him that I haven't been really able to show him that he would be back in a much better environment should he decide to come back because of the magnitude of the pain and hurt. He said, "Why don't you throw me out then? I have no control over my life." I told him I am weighing my options right now but I am committed to this marriage and I really want this to work out.

I'm not hurt but I'm just calm. Numb, maybe. Johnh39, even if I dropped off a snack for him at work, he would've met with her anyway. He had to meet her. I guess it's time for Plan B...?

Have you done the best Plan A you can do? Have you had some professional advice on it? If so, it is time for Plan B.

You need to do a great Plan A for at least another 3 months before you even consider Plan B.

Read the links in my signature below.

Unfortunately no. The pain and hurt was so great that I haven't done the great plan A. Besides, I've been getting professional advice but did not come across Plan A and B concept right off the bat. Another thing was I made a mistake of compromising when my H came home from the 10-day exile immediately following the D-Day, so I was in this thinking mode of, "If I'm compromising, why do I have to be a doormat?" I wish I had your wisdom - I would've been in a better shape by now. Anyway, I do need to do great Plan A.

I can't believe you would give advice to this woman to stay with some guy that just slept with someone else last night!!! He isn't even trying, what a creep! No offense, but Plan B is for US, not them!

I can't believe you would give advice to this woman to stay with some guy that just slept with someone else last night!!! He isn't even trying, what a creep! No offense, but Plan B is for US, not them!
You must not know much about this site.
Didn’t you stay with your h after his affair?

I don't think I could live under the same roof with a man that was that addicted(well, I did, I just didn't know it) I think you have to come to the point of what you really want. I could not imagine plan a'ing for 3 months while he was actively, knowingly cheating. I would lose it. I read in Harley's book it was 2 WEEKS of plan A and then to plan B if they could not choose.

By the time I found out, the affair was over and I had been plan A'ing(not knowingly) for 4 months. When I found out he had an affair, and at the time I thought he was still seeing her, I threw him out directly. That is me though. I could not live with a man that was *to my knowledge* with another woman.

You have to do what is best for YOU. If he will have his cake and eat it too if you plan a, I would then go to plan b. It would destroy ME to have live through three months of known cheating. H got to come home when he was remorseful, really remorseful.

What can you handle? What will make your feel better? Plan A, but don't be a doormat

I read in Harley's book it was 2 WEEKS of plan A and then to plan B if they could not choose.
It is 6 months of Plan A and then 2 years of Plan B.
These are general guidelines. Most betrayed can go for 6 months in Plan A while an affair is ongoing before they start to lovebust too much.

Plan B for two years is to wait for the affair to break up (it will) & help you get through it all before you divorce.

It would destroy ME to have live through three months of known cheating.
We are all a little stronger than we think, especially when confronted with an actual (not hypothetical) situation <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

What will make your feel better? Plan A, but don't be a doormat
In Plan A you are pretty much a doormat in that you put your needs on hold.

When I told my H that I was weighing my options, I wasn't actually thinking about throwing him out but was trying to buy some time to develop a great Plan A. His having sex with her the other night was an indication that I was not doing a great job of showing how everything would be different should he choose to stay married. So, instead of taking the incident as a reason for "throwing him out", I decided to take it as a slip-up on his part. If it had been like 6 months since the D-Day and he kept contact with her, then I'd seriously think about Plan B, but it's been only a month since he came home from the 10-day exile immediately following the D-Day, and I need more time to show that I can be better than what he thinks I'm capable of. Also, I'm currently reading Torn Asunder and it says that the amount of time a BS goes through this (from discovery to recovery) is almost the same as the life of an A - My H's A started in mid-December and is still going on while the number of their rendezvous has significantly decreased. Another thing is an A usually dies a natural death within 6 months of the D-Day, right? I'm not counting on my H's A to fall under these statistics but I'm going along based on them (timeframe-wise), so I decided it was too soon to move to Plan B at this point. Don't get me wrong, I do want the A to end ASAP so we can start recovery, but I'm not being dumb about being patient. I'm just being patient right now.

If I did throw him out at this point, that would mean he is not forgiven for any single mistake. If you are addicted but aware that stopping the addiction is the right thing to do, wouldn't you want to be given some room for occasional slip-ups? If slip-ups happen too often, then that's a different story. Sure my H isn't really trying hard enough but he needs an incentive to try hard. Hence a great Plan A. Makes sense? If Plan A goes too long and no changes, obviously Plan B will be in order.

Now, he must be that addicted if he had to have sex with her again. Plus, he's now "an educated addict" thanks to his mom and sister for having continued to try to "educate" him even though I asked them NOT to as well as my stupidity for letting my instinct take over to "educate" him. So it takes a lot more than it seems to end the A. Thus, a great Plan A needs to be implemented, which I have developed and started.

One more thing I'd like to mention re: the effect of throwing him out at this point: He would take it as a punishment and it would push him way further away from willingness to restore our M. He doesn't need any more "punishment" at this point. Just like how needs compassion and understanding for what he's done instead of guilt-trip words, he needs encouragement. This is by no means encouragement to continue with the A, but encouragement to keep trying to stop the addiction.

Do I sound like a total nut or what?