I can't seem to get out of the hole I am always thinking of the bad things that are going to happen and I can't be the mom or wife I always was I am constantly in a bad spot. My husband had an affair in September he left in January and came home in April. I still am on pins and needles and think he is always thinking of her and wants to be with her all the time. I have said I was going to leave and he says he doesn't want me to . He has admitted to having strong feelings towards her and doesn't know if he was to be 100% happy in a marriage or if 90% is ok. We do not have good communication skills when it comes to just basic conversation and that is what he found with her. And I am just constantly bring the affair up and don't know how to change that.

Most books on marriage have sections devoted to communication. Harely's books do not. However, in order to do the three things couples in great marriages do well: 1) Care for each other, 2)Protect each other, and 3) Resolve conflicts in ways that are good for both people, you have to learn how to communicate well. Harley DOES offer advice about how to communicate in service of those three goals, but I have found other authors helpful, too. I've read a couple of books by Gary Smalley, and his "Secrets to Lasting Love" has lots of helpful hints and examples on how to improve communication. You CAN learn to communicate better. My wife and I did.

Harlley would say (and I know because I called his radio show and asked him this exact question) that every time you bring up the affair, it withdraws Love Bank deposits. So, DON'T DO IT!! Period. Unless of course it is still going on, in which case you will need to address that, or if they are still having social or work contact. Is that the case?

My opinion is that a 90% marriage is not OK, but you BOTH have to do your parts to get to 100%. (By 100%, I do not mean perfect - perfect marriages do not exist. I mean both partners fully committed and doing their best, and both partners getting their most important needs met, so they are not too tempted to look elsewhere.) Click on the link in my signature line, below, to see how to get there.

Actually, Harley talks quite a bit about communicaton... he just doesn't title it as such.... believing as I do, that comminication itself is highly overrated, unless one learns to use that information to eliminate Love Busters, meet needs, and resolve conflicts in a way that is good for both parties...i.e. using the Policy of Joint Agreement / click here for more info Never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse.

Ok, so back to the communication question, check out these links on the friends and enemies of good conversation. Conversation info with other good links to follow

John is right, bringing up the affair should be off limits unless there are significant (emphasis on significant) questions you have that are not answered. As long as you know who, where, how, how often... and what conditons allowed it to thrive... I don't know that you need to discuss it again. Now, putting precautions in place (such as honesty and accountability) to make sure it never happens again... that's a topic for discussion and negotiation.

C