I was pointed in the direction of this wonderful forum by a friend on another message board. I hope you have time, because my story is kind of long.

DH and I have been together since 1995, married since 1998. I'm 26, he's 29. No children. My story actually begins with my infidelity (before marriage) in 1996. Shortly after I moved in with DH (finace at the time), I made the horrible decision to sleep with one of his friends...only once. I felt awful about what I'd done, and thankfully his friend moved away shortly after it happened. I lived with the guilt for two years, but knew I needed to tell DH before we got married. When I told him, I offered to move out until he decided if he still wanted to marry me. I went to my grandma's where he called me less than 2 hours later and asked me to come home. We married, and I made the decision to never let anything like that happen again. I never wanted to hurt him like that ever again.

Fast forward to last summer (2002). DH began drinking a lot and coming home late. He works for a beer company, so this does happen occassionally but began happening with more and more frequency as the weeks went on. In October, all hell broke loose. He came home drunk one night and told me that he thought I was having an affair!! He told me that he didn't know if he wanted to be married anymore, and he left!! He didn't come home until after bar time. The next day he apologized. This started an endless cycle. About once every week he would come home drunk from work, yell at me about something, and leave. He would always come home at bar time and apologize the next day. This went on every week until May 8, 2003.

This time we were at the bar together for a promo for his company. While we were there I teased him about the bartender flirting with him. Well, he snapped and said we were leaving!! When we got home I asked him what the hell that was about. That's when he dropped the bombshell on me. He told me that back in April 2002, he'd had an affair!! It was a bartender who was at one of his stops. He said it started out as just flirting, but one night she said she got off of work in a few minutes if he wanted to follow her home. He did!! He says he "saw" her only 2 more times after that before he ended it. He never heard from her again as she had already quit her bartending job. He says she never attempted to contact him by phone, either. Apparently, she moved away last summer....good riddance!!!

He says there was no emotional attachment (he doesn't even know her last name!!) He says that it just felt nice that someone seemed interested in him, and he figured since I'd done it before we were married......you get the picture. I asked him if it was revenge for what I'd done, then why did he go back to her twice more??? He says that he thought I was having an affair! I told him I was sorry to disappoint him, but I've been completely faithful to him since we got married!!

He claims that the guilt ate at him until he could no longer face me. He says it was easier to come home drunk and angry than to have to face the truth. By the time he realized I wasn't having an affair, things had gotten way out of control. The drinking, the fighting, the leaving had all become a pattern...a way out for him. So I ended up suffering and paying the price for his infidelity!!

Anyway, he walked out again that night (May 8) and said I was better off without him. I told him the next day that if I had wanted a divorce, I would have done it a long time ago. If he wanted a divorce, he could get off his butt and file. If he wanted to try to get through this, I was here.

He went up north to his parents' that weekend. I told him that I didn't know if I would be at home when he came back, but ultimately I decided not to leave. When he came home Sunday night (May 11), he finally broke down. He said that if I hadn't been there, he would have called and asked me to come home. That he didn't want to live without me, and that he hated himself for what he'd done and what he'd put me through this past year. He said he was tired of trying to shift the blame (which is what he'd do when he was drunk), and was ready to take full responsibility for everything that had happened. His fault, not mine.

He hasn't come home late since. He hasn't drank since. But it's only been a few weeks. Has he really changed?? I know people can change, because I made the choice to change 7 years ago. Can I ever really trust him again?? It's hard because he's had a full year to deal with his affair, but I just found out about it. It's still fresh to me. I get sick to my stomach every time I think of him with her!! And does he really trust me??? I know I can be trusted, but does he??

We are going to Florida in 3 weeks to take the honeymoon we never had. He also got a new tatoo to symbolize his love and faithfulness to me (no it's not my name....it's a shamrock because we met on St. Patrick's Day). He says he wouldn't have gotten it if he didn't intend to spend the rest of his life making things right.

I want our marriage to work. I still love him, and I want to be able to trust him again. But part of me is scared that I won't ever be able to let this go!! Will this image of her haunt me forever?? I still cry every day. He holds me and he answers all my questions (even about the details), but how long will HE be able to put up with ME?? What if I push him too hard??

And then, of course, there's the peanut gallery. Friend who say "once a cheater, always a cheater". But I don't believe that, because I was a cheater and I've made the choice to change. But then I think "Fool me once, shame on him....Fool me twice, shame on me." Am I a fool for wanting this to work??? But can it work if I can't stop thinking about it??

Well, that's my story. Any comments?? Suggestions?? Advice??? Thanks for listening!!

I feel your H is just still hurting from your affair befor your marriage. Its hard to get something out of your mind even though you try and trust again. I feel your H affair was probably a way for him to ease the pain knowing you had an affair. I hate to say this, but even though god forgave you for your affair....you have just paid the consequences. Alot of times the consequence part does not happen right away and it sounds like this is what happened to your marriage. This seems like something that can be solved, so just listen to advise from those on this forum and read all of the ways to repair a damaged marriage. I feel once your husband had his affair.....that anger part of your affair has been released for him. He sounds sincerely sorry from what you have written. Good luck to you both, and god bless! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Blonde,

To answer you major question: Yes it can work and work out very well. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I would recommend that you obtain two books His Needs Her Needs and Surviving an Affair, both by Harley. The second one will explain alot of dynamics you have seen and experienced. The first book will help you both make your marriage much better.

You already know a bit about how he feels. He knows a bit how you feel. While you both have had affairs, the playing field isn't level. At least that is my take on this. What it means is that both of you have been and are hurt. That is not equal.

It sounds as if he is doing his best to help you heal from this. It will take awhile so have patience. You aren't even a month into this. It will take months to years to really gain back the trust. BUT, what you two can do in the meantime is work on building an even better marriage, with better communications.

You two need to sit down and decide to make the marriage what you both want. Do the reading, see a counselor, and generally realize that there is love there, and the trust will come back.

I would like to point out to you that Harley expresses the opinion that 'blind trust' is not good for the marriage. It leads to complacentcy on the part of the partners. Yet, you don't want to live in fear.

I think you won't have to. Your H seems to react and behave pretty much as an open book. It was clear something was wrong. It was also clear that the guilt was eating him up, just as it did you. So it seems that you both are people of character with good sense of right and wrong. You have both paid personally for your own mistakes, not to mention those of your spouses.

So, I think your situation is a very good one with respect to recovery. Let your H help you recover. Let him know you appreciate his help and kindness in this very hard time for you. You may not realize this but as you allow him to help you, you also help him. As you already know, the WS has to heal as well.

So go do your homework. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Talk with your H, and plan for your future. You two can do this and do it very well.

God Bless,

JL

Friends are full of advice...how many of them have been married, cheated on, and made it work? This site is full of them. Many folks on here, and I've gotten advice from many, have been there and back to tell you, it can be done.

I consider our A a wake-up call. An opportunity to make things right in our M.

Have things changed YES! It's been only 2 months. Sometimes we have started moving back into bad habits, but we talk about things. This site is great. Have you read much of the information available here? It's great!!

There are stories of people on the discussions that have made things work for years (like you).

Your H has probably been dealing with unresolved feelings about your A, and now you know what he's been going through. You can help each other out. Ask his advice on how to deal with his A and you will be giving him help to deal with your A at at the same time.