My H is certain he wants a divorce.
Plan A or plan B is not possible. Too many years he says - growing tired of our marriage. No remorse, no feelings revealed by him at all. H say he feels sorry for our son though but he doesn't show that to S and me.
His relationship with the Ausralian woman was an eyeopener for him - he could never love me again.

We (he) is telling our 13 year old son about it all tomorrow morning...
I'm so affraid - I'm so sad - and I'm angry now for the first time since I found out about (comfronted him with) the A.

This is the worst ting that have happened in my entire life.
Nothing will help us...

Plan A or plan B is not possible.
Why do you say it's not possible? You can't be nice to him?

Nothing will help us...
Why so negative?

Read the links in my signature below.

<small>[ May 28, 2003, 11:14 AM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

Thanks a lot, Chris, for your quick reply.
I feel there is no way back.
He doesn't love me. He doesn't even feel sorry for me.
I told him that I love him - that I'd do anything to save our marriage - "Too late" he says, "I want a divorce".

When he told me that he want a divorce I was sad at first but then I got angry and told him how selfish I think he is. Big mistake - I know - but since he's acting so cold and hateful against me I needed to react and I didn't think it through first. Not letting him step all over me.

When you first discover all this, it is a very emotional time for the everyone involved.

Take a deep breath and slow down.

Lots of things get said without thinking. Stop yourself from doing this.

Have you read the book, "Surviving An Affair" by Dr Willard Harley?

Hi again. It's so wonderful to know there is people out there who cares!!! Thanks!

I haven't read the book. I've only know about H's infidelity for a little over a week. He was with OW day and night from april 15. to may 13. It's so new to me that I'm in serious trouble.

Maybe I'll order the book if you say it's worth it... but right now I'm so devastated that I can't even go to work.

When someone is having an affair, they emotionally withdraw from their spouse. When you do nice things for them, they do not seem to notice. When you make changes in yourself, they don't seem to notice.

But, they do notice.

Harley points out that even in deep withdrawal, there are moments when the withdrawn spouse opens their eyes a little. Make sure that when that happens, he sees a new you. You have short windows of opportunity, and you will probably not even be able to tell when they are there, because he will not let you know. But, he will notice. That is what Plan A is about. The WS HAS to think about you in a way that exaggerates the bad things, in order to justify their treatment of you. Don't give him any fuel for those thoughts.

<small>[ May 28, 2003, 11:45 AM: Message edited by: johnh39 ]</small>

Maybe I'll order the book if you say it's worth it
ABSOLUTELY get it! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

MAin thing is to go s l o w...

Thank you, John!
What you write about justification and withdrawal makes sense to me!!!
I feel that we don't have the time required for me to show him my 'good sides' my care and my affection for him.
H wants to move out as soon as possible. 3 - 4 days more in the house and after that he'll be living in his mothers basement.

You will still have to interact with him because you are both parents of the same child. Use those interactions to Plan A. Yes, it is harder when you are living apart. But, you have to play with what you have...

Definitely get "Surviving an Affair"!!!

I feel that we don't have the time required for me to show him my 'good sides' my care and my affection for him.
Then you need to make it good while he is home. Lovng but not smotherng.

Also, even after he moves (if he moves), you can still do this when you have ANY contact with him.

You want to protect him from any angry outbursts/lovebusters you might do.

I'll order the book if I can get access to the creditcard in some way. I WANT to be nice to him - but it's difficult for me when I'm a burning fire under the surface! But you're right and I'll try the best I can!

I love him so much - I hurt so much I can't stop crying.
I'll be back on MB later. (It's 7 in the evening here in Denmark)

WANT to be nice to him - but it's difficult for me when I'm a burning fire under the surface!
Wait till you are alone & then you can scream & yell & cry. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi Danish!

I can feel your pain! My H. told me flat out; "Can't you see I am not inlove with you!" I nearly died! I wished someone would have taken a shotgun and put me out of my misery! I could not understand what the heck was going on! He told me everyday that he missed me and he could not wait for the family to move to Texas!
What do you know about this other women??? Do you love your husband? Do you think is worth fighting for? I understand how you are feeling! It is still very fresh! It all came out late March! Do some researching and find out exactly why your husband did this!
Ali

The book is the road map to saving your marriage. I've seen so many couples here who are in the same situation you are in. Then the WS realizes that they are loosing everything they have, gives up the affair and returns to the marriage. Plan A and then Plan B if needed. Of course view of us who have been successful in recovering our marriages stick around the forum. They go on to live happily ever after.. so you don't see too many of the success stories here. But MB concepts work…

<a href="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=29;t=002950" target="_blank">
Did you read my last two posts to you on your other thread? I hope you do as I feel they are important for you. </a>

<small>[ May 28, 2003, 06:24 PM: Message edited by: zorweb ]</small>

---- Ali88
---- What do you know about this other women???

I know from what H told me (before I guessed about the A) that she's half aboriginal from Australia. She's a kind of soulmate for him. They talk real well and she has the same kind of spiritual approach to life as he has = (Theosophy!) I'm not a part of that 'movement' even though religious questions interest me and that might be one of the things that caused us to drift apart?
I know her Hotmail adress too <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> but I'm not sure if it's a good idea to send her an E-mail?

---- Do you love your husband?
I do!!!! Very much. And yes - it's worth fighting for!

I'm both glad and sad that you know how I feel. I feel sorry for you too. Thanks for caring!
------------------------------------------------

---- zorweb
Thanks again for your kind support!

I have one question more though:
Before H knew that I knew about the A he was so sweet to me. When I confronted him with my knowledge he said that he loved us and did want us to live together. He said that he wanted us to happy from now on.

The next day he told me that all the sweet words was because he didn't want to hurt me, and after that he told me all the hurtful stuff in a very mean way.
Is it normal to go from caring "love" to mean and hateful behaviour in such a short period of time?

Oh, just one more: <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
If I'm real nice to him from now on and, wont he just feel a relief and that I accept our seperation and the A?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by DanishWoman:
<strong>
I know her Hotmail adress too <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> but I'm not sure if it's a good idea to send her an E-mail?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"></strong>

Post the address here and let us take care of it!

Just kidding. Sort of. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

On the other hand, if she actually came here and read what you're going through, it might wake her up. Hm.

<small>[ May 29, 2003, 02:44 AM: Message edited by: wiegee ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> She's a kind of soulmate for him. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Argghhh! Make me gag!! It is SO common for WS's to say this!! Read "Surviving an Affair". See what hppened to Sue's "soulmate". He abandoned her, which is typical. The pastor of our church left the church and divorced his wife for his "soulmate". She left him as few weeks after his divorce was final. I could go on and on with examples. "Soulmates" are made, not born. If you were treating each other the way they are treating each other, he would think you were his "soulmate". I'm sorry, this is such foggy thinking on his part (and so horribly common) it makes me want to vomit!

Treat your WS as if he were a stranger that you just met. Give him all of that type of respect. That is what I would do.

Oh gee the ‘soul mate’ thing. WS always say that their OP (other person) is their soul mate… until the affair starts to wear thin. Most affairs, when left to nature, last 6 to 24 months. They tend to die because they are not based on reality. It’s a fantasy. Only about 3% of affairs ever turn into long-term relationships. So no matter what happens between you and your husband, the chances are very small that he and this woman will be together for very long.

As for contacting her. MB advises that a BS contact the OP to let them know that they are interfering with a marriage. Does she even know that he is still living with you? Bet he told her some wild story about you and he already being separated.

It is normal for a WS in your husband’s position to have emotional swings. He is doing something that probably is against his beliefs. How does he resolve having an affair if he is religious?

I view people who are going through affairs as teenagers. They have entered a very self centered, selfish state.. similar to the state teens are in. The meanness is about him trying to break his connection and need for you. In many ways, the more he acts out the more I’d think he is connected to you.

As for him leaving, don’t make too much of a fuss about it to him right now because there is a good chance that he does not do it. It takes work to move.. many never go through with these types of threats. If he moves he will loose something very important… the emotional needs of his that you and your son fill. This is why you are supposed to Plan A and be very nice right now.. if you do then he find that he needs you more and will be less likely to leave.

If I'm real nice to him from now on and, wont he just feel a relief and that I accept our separation and the A?

Did you read the thread in my signature block about “Plan A and Doormats?” It goes into this. It also goes into what the mean by being ‘real nice’. Please do read it. Also please order the book ‘Surviving an Affair’. There is too much info in that book for us to give it all to you here.

Plan A is not meant to be done indefinitely because you are right, it can become a lifestyle where the WS decides life is great because they have their spouse who is being wonderful and someone on the side. So you set a time limit.. 2 months to 6 months. Something like that. And while in Plan A you are being nice to your husband and meeting his needs, you also let him know every time he is in contact with her that it hurts you… but do it without yelling or being disrespectful. Again, please read “Plan A and Doormats” below.

By the way, what was your marriage like before this whole mess started?