Hello. I'm new here and hoping someone can help me. Here's my story. I have been with my boyfriend for 2 1/2 years and we live together. We're both 24 and few of our friends are in serious relationships. He's also in a local band which calls for him going out without me at times or being out late in the studio. Within the 1st month that we were dating, and before we had sex, I found out he was sleeping with someone else. He was seeing her before me but didn't mention a word of her or that he was sleeping with her while dating me. I found out because the girl contacted me when he told her that he met me and needed to end it (of couse the night he told her that he still had sex with her). I was very upset that he lied but decided to give him another chance since it was so new in the relationship and he stopped seeing her because things with me were getting more serious. After a while I forgot about the other girl in the beginning and we built our relationship. About 6 months ago we were having problems. We were arguing a lot about dumb stuff and I was always threatening to leave him. I've always been bery jealous and I would always accuse him of cheating on me when he would be out without me, even though I really never thought he was. I think I just did it for attention because he was out without me. So 2 weeks ago when I came home from work he was very upset and holding back tears. He told me that he had an affair about 6 months ago with a woman that works in the same building as him. He said she flirted with him for a while before the incident and then one day invited him for lunch to her house. He went and they kissed and she began to give him oral sex. He says he stopped it about 10 minutes into it becasue he felt so bad and he realized that is not what he wants. He wants me. He didn't tell me because he knew that it would ruin our relationship and says he knew it would never happen again. After extensive questioning, I beleive his story. The problem is that I dont know if I can get over it. I didn't leave him but I can't get the thought out of my head that he was with another woman 2 years into our relationship and what was going through his mind when he was with her. I comment on it to him about 20 times a day and I know that's not healthy. I want to stay with him but i'm afraid the next time a pretty woman comes onto him at work or when he's out with his band he'll go for it again. I feel he lets his bottom half control his thinking sometimes. He swears all the times I accused him nothing was going on and this 1 time was it, but how am I supposed to trust him anywhere now. I love him but he betrayed me. He was in the arms of another woman during his lunch break from work and then came home to me that night. That just kills me. Will I get over this? I've always over anylized things and held grudges, it's a problem of mine. I want this to work but i'm afraid it's going to ruin us or worse that he'll do it again. Please help!!!
Thank you, Kristy

I don't think this is about you over-analyzing and holding grudges. Not at all. You are dating this man. (Even if you are living together, it's still dating) This is a situation where you are supposed to be checking out his character, his habits, his values .... and making sure he is compatable with you in all ways. You are supposed to be deciding if this guy is a keeper or not.

You said: "The problem is that I don't know if I can get over it."

I don't think you should "get over it". This is useful information. Look at the facts, not at what you want the facts to be. He has revealed his character weaknesses to you. You "get over" it if you accept this man as is.

It is about you deciding if this man, with these weaknesses is good enough for you.

I think you should move out. (Or have him move out) Get your own place. Live separately. Date him, but keep your autonomy. With a different living situation, a fresh perspective, you can see if he is good enough to be a serious contender for your goodies. Don't give it away, you will devalue yourself in his eyes if you don't hold yourself with enough respect.

He has disrespected you. Do not "get over it". That sends a very detremental message to him. Are you worth respect?

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

I'm certainly not an expert with respect to your issue.. but might have a slightly different perspective.

I'm sure you love him.. and your pain of his infidelity is as real as the pain I am feeling from my husband's infidelity.. but you are young and you are not married. doesn't sound like there are children.

From an outsiders perspective he doesn't appear to be respecting you, or nuturuing you. He has also cheated on another woman when he met you...Seems like a pattern

What are is good qualities...I might take note of those and ask myself if what he has to offer is worth the commitment to get through this?

Again, I have no training except age and several relationships under my belt.. the most recent dealing with a spouses infidelity. So the advice is only as good as the source. SF

I suggest buying, and reading "Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders" by Harley. It will give you a new perspective on your relationship.

First of all, you aren't just "dating", you live with this guy, and although it's not the commitment that marriage might be to this guy, (has he proposed or how do the both of you view marriage?) it's still a pretty major motion of trust to live together.

Second of all, he came to you about this, probably because he does love you so much and can't stand living with himself...

I strongly suggest you get a marriage counselor - you don't need to be married to have couple counseling, I strongly recommend someone who specializes in affair therapy, and if you are lucky, someone who specializes in artistic people. My H is a jazz musician, and yes, they are under a lot more pressure to have affairs than other people.

Did you stop going to his gigs or do you still go?

a fellow bandwife