We live in separate apartments. We have both been givers and takers. He has a female friend that he has discussed all of our marital problems with. I have repeatedly aired my feelings on this. I am making a long story short by not explaining all. Anyway although we have lived apart for almost 6 months now we have continued to see each other, eat together and spend every other night together, and travel together.
We got in a big arguement a couple of days ago on a Memorial Day two day trip and he said he will stay away from me but he refuses to divorce. I get very lonely without him and I get physically sick wondering if its really over.
We both have been married before. I got over my first marriage quickly(21 years). But this marriage of 4 years I don't want to let go of and I don't know how "final" my husbands words are since he doesn't want a divorce.
Am I fooling myself by thinking there is hope. Or should I feel he just is using the marriage as a security to fall back on? Once again I have to emphasize that there is more to this situation. Thanks.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Am I fooling myself by thinking there is hope. Or should I feel he just is using the marriage as a security to fall back on? Once again I have to emphasize that there is more to this situation.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If both of you are spending time with each other, then it would appear that there is hope for the M(marriage). I suggest that you read the concepts and Q&A sections on this website, as well as reading the Harley books 'His Needs Her Needs', 'Love Busters' and 'Surviving An Affair'.

Could you please elaborate on 'there is more to this situation'?

I would have to write a book to elaborate all the things....I will talk more about the present dillema. Because of being away from family and moving around so much I haven't been able to make close friends. Someone as a confidant I haven't found. He has the advantage of being in a place where he has friends. Because of religious differences his friends don't accept me unless he is around. So I have became co-dependent on him which doesn't help matters. What I want is for us to live together again like most married people do.

I apologised to him for my reactions to his betrayel. I call it betrayel when a man continues to talk to a woman he dated before me and says they are just friends. I have read that its almost never happens that a man remains "friends" with a woman and never thinks about romancing especially if he previously took her out and spent a lot of time with her. He claims he has done no wrong and that its all my imagination. But I won't apologise for my feelings about it. He wants me to apologise for my feelings.

In fact he says everything negative that happens in the marriage is my fault. It's even my fault if he raises his voice. He says I make him do it.

I thought if I apologised for my emotional reaction he would at least aplogise for something.

Also he takes everything I say as frivilous and childish. I am 50 years old. And I do get upset when he dismisses every word I say as not important.

On the other hand I care for him too. I feel an unspoken bond that we have formed. How can I help him to see that it is important to me that he doesn't make light of the things I am concerned about?

MG it sounds like there may be Love Busters involved that have pushed him away. If this is the case, then you need to find out what they are and stop them before more of his love is drained away.