I found out that my wife for 11 yrs had an affair that stopped 3 years ago. My wife told me about the affair 1 month ago. I found her lover's phone # in my wife's address book 2 weeks ago. I asked her to erase it and she did. I found out that she had e-mail contact with him 3 months ago. I asked her to send an e-mail to him requesting that he never contact her again. My wife agreed and she sent the e-mail. The affair is over according to my wife. I believe it is over. My wife has a female friend that had an affair too and got a divorce from her husband. My wife told her female friend about my wife's affair while it was going on. I was not aware of any of this. My wife and I are in counseling and I feel great about the fact that my wife told me about the affair. It was a gift. I am tuned into my wife's emotional needs now more than ever. I know the affair is not about me and I feel a real good power inside myself. I want to work on my marriage. Question: My wife wants to have a vacation with our 2 kids without me to visit her girl friend that had an affair too and got a divorce from her husband. Her friend has 2 kids too. They say that it is just going to be the girls only. Should I agree with this request? I do not feel good about this. My wife betrayed me..her friend betrayed her husband. I do not like that my wife is considering to do this independently of me. I think that it will be a bad energy for my wife to be around this person. My wife did not ask if I want to come along on the vacation. Should I agree with this request?

It is wise to drop friends who are destructive to the marriage. So your wife not going would be the first choice. Make it clear to her that you feel betrayed by her friend who participated in the deceit.

If your wife will not back down from the visit, then go with her. If you do this she will do one of two things… accept your decision. In this case make sure it turns into a you and your wife and kids vacation. Or the offer for you to come was not sincere… just something to make you feel safe but she really does not want you there. If she reacts that way, there is a problem.

Have you read the MB material? You may want to start with the book ‘Surviving an Affair’, then read ‘His Needs, Her Needs’ and ‘Love Busters’.

MB highly discourages couples from doing things solo.. it is one of the biggest contributors of affairs. If something does not add to your marriage and your relationship then it’s probably not something your wife should be doing.

Thanks....I ordered two of the books

Scott it's good that both of you are in counseling and I would like to recommend that the two of you read the Harley books that Zorweb mentioned, as well as The Four Rules for a Successful Marriage. By doing so, both of you would be able to chart and follow a marital plan of recovery that will suit your needs.

You can't force your W to not go see her 'friend' but you might want to consider mentioning to your W to put herself in your shoes for a minute and think how she would feel if the roles had been reversed and you wanted to go visit a divorced WH(wayward husband) friend of yours, by yourself, who knew all about your A(affair) while it was happening. You might also want to ask her why she doesn't want you to go? Empathy and honesty on the part of your W is crucial to your healing and rebuilding the M. BUT if you do what I suggested, do it in a calm and respectful fashion because it's important that she understand your feelings while at the same time not feeling attacked.

In general I am opposed to separate vacations for the reasons mentioned. I am sure that there are some circumstances that on occassion make them beneficial. But I think it is a bad precedent to set. If she is the one to initiate it, then I would definitely insist she include the kids, if you initiate it then you should cover the kids. Just my humble opinion.

My H had several friends who knew about his affairs. I have asked him to let those friendships die a natural death and he has agreed to that. There is one friend that we were both close to and I handled him by talking to him personally and telling him how hurt I was that he knew and didn't attempt to stop my husband in this most recent affair (it's the only one he knew about). He told my H to "go with his heart" and that really hurt me because I am also close with this friend. He apologized to me so I feel okay about this friendship in particular.

I don't blame you for wanting her to not have this person as a friend. It's a tough call, but talk it over and do as others have suggested...how would she feel in your shoes?

Stillwed