My wife started an internet relationship with a man about 2 months ago. It started with friendship and evolved into sexual fantasy. She has been open about this relationship and even told me (after) that they had had a sexual fantasy together. She asked me if this was okay, and to be honest, I think it is. It has been wonderful for her. She has come out of a shell and is more confident. I think having someone else in the world that really thinks she is special has done something great for her.
My problem became that now that she had acceptance for all form of communication, she spent 3+ hours a day on-line. She admitted she was addicted to the feelings that this new person was giving her.
Normally I would consider myself an extremely confident person. I only recall having been jealous once before and that was a long time ago. Unfortunately it was a similar situation where I gave my girlfriend the benefit of the doubt and she cheated/left me quite callously.
About 10 days ago I did something that was really stupid. I started a program that logged her keystrokes and screenshots.
I am not sure what I hoped to accomplish with this. I did not learn anything new, in fact, she had been very straightforward about all the things she had been doing. She was looking for something new and exciting.
I realized now that I had done this, I had to tell her. It was eating me up and not doing anything for me mentally. I felt like a spy and that I had violated her. The feling of regret and remorse was incredible.
When I told her what I had done, she was extremely hurt and angry. It has been a few days now, and we are very slowly getting it back together.
My biggest problem is that I do not have anyone to talk this through with. She is willing to listen, but I find that she views lots of the conversation with distrust and that I am trying to justify/get out of this. I also realize that she needs to work out a bunch of stuff on her own. She has a therapist she talks to, but does not want to delve to deeply in to this with her as she really like and admires this person and does not what her to have a bad opinion of her. She has talked to her sister and friend as well as the on-line friend.
I just feel like I need to discuss this with someone that has some insight or that can relate to my situation.
I have never been in a chat or a discussion forum (other than work related) before, so I don't know whether it is okay to ask for this. If not, just offer your opinion and thoughts, if okay, then drop me a note.
Thank you, Sid

Hi,

Thought I'd respond to what you have written...I was very surprised to hear that you found yourself approving of your wife's internet relationship. But as I read on, I realized that deep down, you really hadn't fully given it your blessing....because you chose to spy on her. That's often a sign of distrust and some intution that says......hmmmm....what is she really doing here?

If you want your relationship to stop the downward spiral, she needs to end the internet stuff. That's the only way. And secondly, you need to find ways to meet the needs she has been seeking through this relationship. This is gonna mean finding out what those needs are. LOTs of communication between the two of you is what it's gonna take. Neither one of you seems to trust the other. I can relate to that distrust. My h betrayed me recently. It does hurt. Wishing you well as you explore the things that are necessary for both of you to heal

Roberta

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Roberta61:
<strong>Hi,

Thought I'd respond to what you have written...I was very surprised to hear that you found yourself approving of your wife's internet relationship. But as I read on, I realized that deep down, you really hadn't fully given it your blessing....because you chose to spy on her. That's often a sign of distrust and some intution that says......hmmmm....what is she really doing here?

If you want your relationship to stop the downward spiral, she needs to end the internet stuff. That's the only way. And secondly, you need to find ways to meet the needs she has been seeking through this relationship. This is gonna mean finding out what those needs are. LOTs of communication between the two of you is what it's gonna take. Neither one of you seems to trust the other. I can relate to that distrust. My h betrayed me recently. It does hurt. Wishing you well as you explore the things that are necessary for both of you to heal

Roberta</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Hi Sid, My H had an internet A. I'm sure it started out simple just chating they met in a game room and would play games soon they began to chat. My H is very much into his computer and would spend hours a day on it shutting out the entire family. We were having some problems and I had gotten to the point of feeling like I was the one in our relationship doing all the giving and him all the taking and soon I said enough is enough and this started a whole chain of bad things. My H took it as I didn't care anymore and so this made talking to the OW on the internet even easier. I know now that this was an exuce he could use to justify what he was doing but none the less soon they were exchanging love letters calling each other on the phone and thinking they were in love. After just three months of chating with this person he was on a plane to go meet her and thus a PA happened. During this time I suspected something was going on because he kept pushing me farther and farther away but I trusted him every time I started to snoop I felt so guilty I would quit now I wish I had not maybe the out come would have been different. Today we are trying to put our M back together we have been married for 26yrs. this is the worst thing that has ever happened to me the pain is deeper than anything I have ever experianced. All I can say is if you love your wife don't let the internet thing get out of control. You are her husband you need to take care of her and she you I do not believe any M needs a third party involved especially when it has to do with sexual issues. I don't think you don't trust her I think you love her and don't want to share and that is ok. Just let her know this.

Hi Sid,

Been there, done that, have the T-shirt.

I am sorry to say, but you have serious problems to solve now. Internet romances / affairs are just as damaging as in-person affairs, if not more so. On the net only that part of the personality that's "good" is represented to the partner, creating an image that is extremely hard to expose as false.

You have to treat this as an affair and start to apply the MB principles. I am surprised that you allowed this to continue, but you seem to have gotten second thoughts; rightly so.

I am not in a position to give advice, I leave that to the more experienced people on this board, but here is a link to get you started:

The Path to Recovery: Johnh39's complement to WAT's quick-start guidelines

Best of luck, you have found a good place to be and will get a lot of support from people on this site.

SB

<small>[ May 29, 2003, 11:23 AM: Message edited by: SunnyBreaks ]</small>

I think you made a terrible decision about allowing your wife to have an internet relationship that included sexual fantasies.
First, you are allowing another man to meet her emotional needs which means she has less need for you.
Second, you condone a sexual internet affair to be conducted which means her fantasies and sexual needs are been met by another man. I really think you would have to be out of your mind to say yes to this after your wife asked you if it is O.K.
How do you think your wife would respond if you went to her and said you wish to spend many hours on the computer with another woman every night. Oh by the way I hope it is also all right that I masturbate with her on line? I doubt your wife would say go ahead and enjoy yourself.
Once she has crossed this line then the next line is to meet in person. It is simply a natural progression. Why are you married if you allow another man to meet your wife's emotional needs and sexual fantasies? If you wish to destroy your marriage and relationship then let her continue to cheat on you emotionally with another man.
You need to open your eyes and get your head out of the sand. What your wife is doing and which you are condoning is extremely destructive. How is it possible that cannot see this. I am afraid my friend that you are in big time denial. It should be stopped immediately and you should stop rationalizing that it makes your wife happy. Of course she is happy. She has a husband who loves and who foolishly allows her to have an on-line lover to meet her sexual fantasies. Wake up before it is too late.