I just wanted to let you all know that I am not the kind of person who has an A. I am a good person, this OM has turned me into someone I am not. I let him take advantage of me, I actually trusted him, I actually had feelings for him, I fell for his charm because I was not happy at home and could not figure out how to tell my husband. I want this OM to hurt the way he has hurt me, how dare he take advantage of my situation and cause my H and myself so much pain. He has made me feel disgusted and cheap and not worthy of my H forgiveness. I was so blind to what kind of person this OM is, he had another woman besides me and his wife, how could I have been so stupid. I am so sorry I betrayed my H. Anyone who cannot figure out how to talk to their spouse, find a way. Having an A, is the worst thing in the world, if has turned my life upside down and I am the one who betrayed my H. I can't believe he is forgiving me. Now I need to forgive myself. I hope the MC can help, I was a little defensive at our first session.

One more thing, I have always believed that things happen for a reason. My H and I have talked so much since I told him, good and bad, at least we are paying more attention to eachother. I hate to say this but this A has kind of brought us closer together, I hate that an A had to happen for us to get closer but it did.

I made a promise to my H today, that eventhough I have to work with this OM and I have to see and communicate with him everyday, I promise I will not fall for his charm, kind words, etc. I will never ever let him touch me again.

I am/was lost but I am finding my way back again.

It pains me to read threads as this one. I had posted earlier that all people know the devastating effects of an affair yet they do it anyhow. Instead of talking to your husband, I know ya said you didnt know how (cop out)....ya should have found a way. Anyhow, its good you have realized what a foolish mistake you made, and are now working on your marital problems. You have been forgiven also dear, but look at the consequences you are suffering. People can be unhappy in their marriage, but once the A is uncovered I guarantee most are unhappier and worse off. God Bless! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ May 29, 2003, 02:06 PM: Message edited by: ITSOVER ]</small>

Dear s888:

I'm so glad you found us here. They say God shows himself in mysterious ways. Maybe yours was the affair. It's result has given you the opportunity to have the M you want.

Go for it!

I'm glad that you finally see the truth about your A and your OM.

Here's something that you and your H could use to help your marital recovery, it's called The Four Rules For A Successful Marriage . If BOTH of you follow them, then you will be succesful in rebuilding your M and being in love with each other once more.

Itsover........I don't know your situation but you are wrong. You don't know me and my situation and personality and I am sorry you feel the way you do and it wasn't a cop out. I did not choose to have an A, it just happened and it was for 1 month, not that it would matter. Not everyone is the same, so you cannot guarantee that everyone is worse off.

Dear s888,

My H's most recent OW made sure to tell me that she had NEVER dated a married man before. What difference did it make whether she made a habit of it or not? She still did it and she needed to take responsibility for that.

If you had an affair, then you did choose it unless you were drugged or raped. I'm not telling you this to be mean. I'm telling you this because believing that you didn't choose it will keep you and your marriage from healing.

For example, my H blamed all of his affairs on me. As a matter of fact, he blamed everything that made him feel unhappy on me. It came from a habit he carried over from childhood. He never really had to face any problems head on because he could always say that things would be different if his Mom weren't sick. He blamed every unhappiness on his life as a child because his Mom was sick for his entire childhood. Having a scapegoat to blame for all of your unhappiness isn't a healthy situation!

He could not heal with that attitude nor could he look at himself in the mirror and see a man that he could respect. He now has taken full responsibility for his actions and guess what? He's healing....from the inside out! He's happy and realized that I always was the best thing that ever happened to him.

How does this apply to you? The first place to start with a problem that you've created is to take responsibility for it. By saying that the OM is totally responsible for seducing you makes you sound very weak and unable to fend for yourself. What are you going to do when the next charmer comes along? Will anything that happens be only his fault too? By taking responsibility, you are saying "the buck stops here". You are taking the problem and fixing it so it can't happen again. By passing it off, you remain unhealed and open to it happening again under a different set of circumstances.

Please disregard ALL of this if you were indeed forced into sex with this man. If so, I hope you are pressing charges because he needs to be stopped.

I hope that you are able to recover your marriage. There is a lot of help here if you are open to it.

Stillwed

Stillwed.........what you said makes alot of sense. I am not dismissing my actions however, I was scared, this OM is my boss and I kind of felt like I was obligated. I know it sounds weird but that's the way it was, I am not sure if I was forced, I remember saying no, no, not yet but he still did and since then I felt like I had to.

If this guy owns the company and has no one above him then you've no choice but to quit! If he does have someone above him...you need to go there and get him fired. If he is married, tell his wife. He sounds like a real creep!

Still, take responsibility for having gotten involved with him. It's the key to your healing and will keep you from ending up with the next creep that comes along!

Stillwed

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by s888:
<strong>Stillwed.........what you said makes alot of sense. I am not dismissing my actions however, I was scared, this OM is my boss and I kind of felt like I was obligated. I know it sounds weird but that's the way it was, I am not sure if I was forced, I remember saying no, no, not yet but he still did and since then I felt like I had to.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why didn't you tell your H? Were you afraid he wouldn't care about your situation?

i'm greatly disturbed but many of the posts that i've been reading lately. it seems to me that in to many situations woman that post here think that they have a right to live by different rules or standard then then men...as if to say that men have less feelings or sensativety then woman or should be held to a different standard. and this post is a perfect example.

i've read nothing that s888 has written here other then her comdenation of HER OM! he is to be blaim! he is the seducer! he is the evil one!

well guess what...when she took her cloths off and got into his bed...was he holding a gun to her head? come on! where in all of this is the adult person taking responsability for her own actions?

oh my! she was confused! tisk tisk! he (that evil OM)convinced her to do all these bad things! she was just a poor little lamb led astray! and all the female hard cases on this board, who regualrly pillory cheating men, are giving her a pass? what a joke!

yes sir...and what does her poor H do while all this goes on?...he plan A's his little heart out for this mature loving wife..this cheating little lamb who was just a little unhappy so she just had to have her little fling to make herself feel better! but notr becuase she wanted too! LOL after all she was taken advantage of! yea right, (by the way does anyone want to by a bridge in Brooklyn?)

so come on folks...lets all get together and tell her how wonderful she is for realizing that she made a little mistake! lets all congradulate her on her figuring out who is to really blaim for all the pain she caused...it's the OM of course! what a joke!

coach

I was so blind to what kind of person this OM is, he had another woman besides me and his wife, how could I have been so stupid. I
So if he was only married (which you already knew) and didn’t have other women besides you & his wife, he would have been a good person?

I did not choose to have an A, it just happened
You probably did not set out to have an affair, but at some point you CHOSE to continue when you KNEW it was wrong.
It wasn’t an accident.

I made a promise to my H today, that eventhough I have to work with this OM and I have to see and communicate with him everyday,
Why not make it better for everyone and get a new job? You don’t HAVE to work with him.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Chris -CA123:
<strong>[b]Why not make it better for everyone and get a new job? You don&#8217;t HAVE to work with him.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Agreed <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I do take responsiblity for what I did that is why I am having a hard time forgiving myself and that is why I feel so stupid for jepordizing my marriage and family and that is why we are going to MC. I read some of Randyrails postings and the one where he is past the grieving and is now angry at the OW, I guess that is where I am also. I know it probably would be the best thing to quit, however the job market is really bad and we need my income. Besides, I am not going to let him (OM) win, I am not going to retreat, I really like my job and the other people I work with, why should I leave because of him. He should leave, not me. He has left me alone for a couple of months now and we have been able to continue working. I have not responded to him and my H has started to pick me up for lunch. My H has not asked me to quit. I am not vulnerable anymore. I am much stronger.

why should I leave because of him
Mostly because of you and your choice to have an affair with him.

I am not vulnerable anymore. I am much stronger.
Okay, now I get it. Whew!

I thought your post said you were 85% over OM <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> So you still think about him or want him 15??? Someone needs to leave.

Hello s888,

I am wondering a couple things....

Is it possible that it's not OM that you're 85% over, but that you're 85% over the guilt of turning away from your H and having an affair?

Is it possible that while you are in the process of accepting 100% responsibility for cheating on your H, you are confused about that last 15% because of OM's "responsibility" too?

If it makes you feel any better, my FWH also went through this period of placing the blame on the OP (who has a long history of affairs with MM). As my FWH gained the courage to look at himself more and more, the OP received less and less blame for the position he PUT HIMSELF in (including WHO he put himself in that position with). My FWH's eventual answer to your question of "how dare he [she] take advantage of my situation and cause my H [W and kids] and myself so much pain" was because HE ALLOWED HER TO.

Take heart s888--if you continue to look at your actions and apply the Harley principles for surviving an affair and rebuilding your marriage, that last 15% will work itself out. My advice would be to keep your focus on your BH and your marriage because that is where the real solutions are (and always were).

Take care s888