I've been lurking here for a while and have a few questions. First, some brief background. I've been married 10 years. Two years ago I had an affair with a co-worker. We have one toddler at home. The affair was with a woman that I have known for many years, longer that I've known my wife. She too is married. The situations is a disaster and I only have one person to blame, me. That is my first question. There seems to be so much venom blaming the other person and making excuses for one's own spouse. There also seems to be a lot the BS is supposed to do. Develop Plans, A/B . . . etc. There almost seems to be transferal of guilt/responsibility from the WS to the BS. I know that nothing occurs in a vacuum, and there certainly were problems in my marriage; however, I was the one who choose to stray. I wasn't captured and seduced by some evil woman. We were both lonely, we both felt as if we became just a piece of furniture in our married lives. Why is there such a stress on what the OP must do? There seems to be some major co-dependency going on here. Now matter what my home-life was like, I broke my vows to my wife, to our family, to all the folks that attended our wedding and heard those words spoken. Why is it up to my wife to do so much to fix things? It seems to me that it should be my job to win back her trust. At this point, I would rather crawl under a rock and expire . . ., but I have a small son and he means the world to me. I don't know what my point is to all this.

Never mind.

Hank,

Welcome to MB. I find your post interesting. Why? Because you wonder about why the BS has to do the work. Well, as you read here most WS's, won't do the work so someone must to save the marriage and usually that falls to the BS. Very clearly as the WS you are permitted and encouraged to do the work of rebuilding your marriage. You should be the one to do that and Harley points it out, and common sense points it out. However, as you well know, common sense is scarce when affairs are involved.

If you read here, and read the articles you will find a lot of helpful information concerning rebuilding the marriage. I suspect you will find insights that might help you rebuild your W's trust.

I do hope you have told your W what you posted here. I also hope that you are successful in rebuilding your marriage.

God Bless,

JL

Thanks for responding. It seems to me that the spouse that starting the living-hell that an affair really is, should be the one to try to repair it. I just don't know. My wife knows how I feel about this mess . . . we've been doing the marriage counseling thing for about a year. The marriage counselor also says that we both own responsibility for the affair. I just don't buy it. If I was that unhappy I should have had the b@lls just to leave, file for divorce, and then become involved with someone if I so chose. I took the cowards way out; and the damage it created is a catastrophe. If anyone out there is thinking about having an affair, don't. Unless you enjoy watching the flicker in the eyes of someone that you love be replaced by a flat-blankness. I didn't think someone could cry that much. I guess I'll go out and kick some puppies for an encore.

No I didn't tell my wife I posted here, why do you ask?

Hank,

I didn't mean did you tell your W that you posted here. I meant have you told your W WHAT you posted here. It will help her to hear you take responsibility.

Actually, the founder of this site makes the point that the Affair is completely the responsibility, fault, choice of the WS. The condition of the marriage before the affair is the responsibility of both parties. Hence his focus on fixing and addressing the things that led to one of the spouses chosing to have an affair.

He feels and most would agree the affair belongs completely to the one who chose to have one.

It seems to me you have it pretty well figured out. How is you recovery going? I do hope your W has decided to rebuild with you and that you are enthusiastically doing so.

God Bless,

JL

Your wife has zero responsibility for your affiar. Zero, none, nada, zilch, zippo. You and your wife share 100% responsibility for the state of your marriage before it started, i.e.: How could she treat you so badly you felt like a piece of furniture? How could you feel like a piece of furniture in your marriage and not take whatever steps necessary to change that?

Your wife should know thjat you post here because of the POJA.

You say you have read here for a while. Have you ever read the link in my signature line? Is the Harley approach to affair recovery similar to that of your MC?

Hello John:

In fact, I agree with you about the responsibility thing. I take the blame for the affair, as it should be. My wife never treated me badly . . . it was more of benign neglect. She is an attorney and a partner at a large firm. She works 60 to 80, sometimes more, hours a week. Her job consumes her and she has very little left when she is home. I am a scientist and work too much also. I made noise for years that I needed to have something more than the obligatory kiss and the "see you later" from her. Her career means a great deal to her and it probably should. Once the child arrived, however, I thought that things would change; they didn't. I adapted my schedule to care for the baby, but she didn't. It is that simple. So no, she didn't ever treat me badly, she just forgot to treat me at all. I know that that is not an excuse for my behavior. Actually, I have no excuse and am not looking for one either. I made a bad decision. I have to live with that. I don’t know if this is the answer you were looking for, but it is the best that I can describe.

Cheers,

Hank

Hank, I was in a simialr situation to you. My wife worked all the time at a challenging job that she loved, I stayed home with the kids. Workaholism is a form of affair, IMO, and your wife sounds just like my workaholic wife. When we took The Emotional Needs Questionnaire (ENQ), I saw that her top two EN's were being met at work. She had had a work crises soon before her affair began, and that caused a great decrease in how well those EN's were being met through her job. The OM filled the gap, and our relationship did not change much at all.

The first two questions in my previous post were rhetorical and do not require an answer. You did not answer the other qurestions I asked.

Hank, you're right, often it does fall upon the BS back to do much of the repairing of the marriage in some areas...some of which would be much more productively done by the WS. However, the WS will need to at some point throw themselves into the repairing IF there is to be a "good" rebuilding. If they don't, the rebuilding will be flawed and will be unlikely to stand the test of time.

It sounds as if you are willing to jump in and do those things which are needed for your W to heal and to help rebuild. This is what is important. It is NOT important (TO YOU) that in some situations, the WS falls flat on his/her face and leaves these tasks for the BS to shoulder. Keep your focus on what YOU and your W need to do for a healthier marriage.

While it can be frustrating for a poster to read about how another's situation is developing, you must look at each separatly, what works for one will often not work for you. And often we can discover "pitfalls" which we see taking place in someone else's situation and make sure that we avoid them for ourselves.

You're taking full blame for your choice in the affair! Good for you!!!! You and your W are in counseling. GREAT! You're reading here (and other sites I am sure) to discover options which can lead you to a healthier marriage. Again...GREAT!

You take from each site what works for you and your situation. You explore the options, you seek out guidence and ideas.

Being the WS is NOT an easy path. Staying in the marriage, dealing with the BS and their pain and sorrow and anger is the HARD path.

You said your affair began two years ago, but you did not say when it ended or how/why. You've got 10 years invested with your W, and a beautiful sweet child to protect and guide to manhood. You've made a choice to stay married, to reclaim what was lost, to repair the damage which comes with affairs.

As for the focus that many WS and BS have on the OP, it is pretty normal depending on the timeframe the person is dealing with. The closer to d-day, the more focus is given by the BS on the OP. It is much simplier and easier to "gift" all the anger to the person you don't love and want to have in your life. Eventually, as the BS begins to accept, they are capable of giving the anger to the one who betrayed them...their spouse.

For the WS, they often find a period as they move away from the OP in which they wish badly to "gift" them with more responsiblity for their (WS) own bad choices then admitting that they are 100% responsible for their choice to cheat on their spouse/marriage/family/themselves. No one enjoys accepting all the blame for their own mistakes...it's human nature to attempt to avoid it...but eventually, if true healing has happened...then they are capable of viewing their past without hiding from the truth of themselves.

It seems that you're on your healing path. You accept full responsiblity for your past actions, you are showing remorse, you are attempting to reclaim the lost trust you threw away.

Good Luck to both you and your W as you travel your healing path together!

Just Learning:
I was typing on my laptop last night and my wife was wondering what I was up to; so I let her read this discussion. So, yes she knows what I am saying here. We are trying to move on with our marriage, thanks for the encouragement.

John39:
What is POJA?
Yes, I read the link in your signature line, thanks for the info.

Just a Wife 2002:
Wow, a lot of questions. I will try to answer as many as I can. Yes, counseling is going good. We have found out a lot about why our marriage was as immature as it was. I guess we both had a hard time thinking of "us" instead of us individually.

No, it is not easy always being the bad guy. There is a limit to the guilt one can pile on before the weight is just too much. I can see the attractions of starting over with a clean-plate. I know why people choose to end a relationship that has been wounded by an affair. There are so many reminders in daily life, so many triggers. It is sometimes hard to watch a movie with my wife; there is bound to be someone cheating in it and it just opens the whole damn thing right up.

The affair lasted about 3 months. It was ended because I felt like sh@t about what I was doing. I think I was looking for emotional support, and got more than I bargained for.

I don't know if I am on a healing path or not. I do know that I am working to save my marriage and feel blessed that that option is still open to me.

I really should have started this thread in another area. Many here have had their lives shattered by the type of crap I pulled, and I shouldn't be here whining "poor me". Thanks for all your replies.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by HankC:
<strong>I've been lurking here for a while and have a few questions. First, some brief background. I've been married 10 years. Two years ago I had an affair with a co-worker. We have one toddler at home. The affair was with a woman that I have known for many years, longer that I've known my wife. She too is married. The situations is a disaster and I only have one person to blame, me. That is my first question. There seems to be so much venom blaming the other person and making excuses for one's own spouse. There also seems to be a lot the BS is supposed to do. Develop Plans, A/B . . . etc. There almost seems to be transferal of guilt/responsibility from the WS to the BS. I know that nothing occurs in a vacuum, and there certainly were problems in my marriage; however, I was the one who choose to stray. I wasn't captured and seduced by some evil woman. We were both lonely, we both felt as if we became just a piece of furniture in our married lives. Why is there such a stress on what the OP must do? There seems to be some major co-dependency going on here. Now matter what my home-life was like, I broke my vows to my wife, to our family, to all the folks that attended our wedding and heard those words spoken. Why is it up to my wife to do so much to fix things? It seems to me that it should be my job to win back her trust. At this point, I would rather crawl under a rock and expire . . ., but I have a small son and he means the world to me. I don't know what my point is to all this.

Never mind.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have felt the EXACT same way since Ive been reading here also. My wife was the wayward one in this case. But, you basically have read my mind. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

POJA=Policy of Joint Agreement, one of Harley's "Basic Concepts", defined as: "Never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement
between you and your spouse"

The most valuable single thing we did as a couple in recovery was to take The Emotional Needs Questionnaire (ENQ). I highly recommend it. Definitions for each emotional need are found in the Basic Concepts section of this site.