I found out that my W for 11 yrs had an affair that stopped 3 years ago. My W told me about the affair 1 month ago. I found her lover's phone # in my wife's address book 2 weeks ago. I asked her to erase it and she did. I found out that she had e-mail contact with him 3 months ago. I asked my W to send an e-mail to him requesting that he never contact her again. My W agreed and she sent the e-mail. The affair is over according to my W. I believe it is over. I am doing many caring behaviors and meeting my wife's emotional needs according to what my W says. My W seems like she likes what I am doing and we have had more intimacy in the last month than the whole last 3 years.I feel I am trying too hard and I know that I can not keep this up. We are both in counseling and I know that the affair is not about me. It is just that I know that I have given my best over the last 11 years and I am not sure that I want to continue my marriage to my W due to the tremendous devastation that the affair has had on me. We have 2 children and I want to stay in the marriage for them especially. I think about the affair & the deceit every minute literally. I have tried to talk to my wife about my feelings about the affair but I feel this does me no good—it just stirs things up again. When I think about the fact that my wife carried out this act on her kids, & me and that I am suppose to just meet her needs and do the MB stuff and that is all----I do not feel good about staying with her--- I feel like I’d be letting Hitler have a second chance after so clearly seeing and feeling the depth of the betrayal. I am a good guy and I have always tried very hard to please my W. I am a good provider & a good father. I have not been perfect especially when in the past my wife would act unhappy and drink too much alcohol. I would try to fix things and make her happy and no matter what I would do or say---she would not feel happy. Then I would go into very angry rages because it dumbfounded me as why a person with everything could be so unhappy. I married my wife for all the normal reasons..love etc. My wife is not beautiful to look at but I thought she had the same value system that I have and this is why I married her. Now I know that her value system is very different than mine. I know that I do not need my W in my life now for the first time. I know that I will always care for her and look out for her monetary well being. I can not just forget this affair! I want there to be a consequence. I feel myself wanting to investigate filing for a divorce. I know that I will have more pain with a divorce but I feel that a divorce is what my wife deserves. I will be sure to take care of my kids. The pain of the divorce will pass in time and I can go on with my life and stop wasting my time with someone that does not appreciate me. I do not deserve this treatment and I do not want to try real hard again only to have more of the same happen again later. I have to get away from her destructive ways. She is sick, damaged & seems unwilling to do caring behavior or meet my emotional needs. I do not think my wife will change very much yet I keep on hoping & giving to make things better by doing the caring behaviors for her and hiding my pain. I do not know how long I can hide this pain. I do not feel true to myself…..I feel I am going down the same road that was unsuccessful before. I must truly be insane to even try to make this work….right?…How do I get rid of the feelings of betrayal and resentment? When will I know for sure that it is time to get a divorce?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"I must truly be insane to even try to make this work….right?…How do I get rid of the feelings of betrayal and resentment? When will I know for sure that it is time to get a divorce? "</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No you are not insane to try to make your marriage work, because deep down you know that it is the right thing to do for yourself, your kids and even your W.

Your W sounds like she has some long term emotional/mental problems, is this the case? If it is, then her A may not have been so much an attempt to get her unfulfilled EN's met by the OM, but more an attempt to self medicate.

As far as when you are going to get over the feelings of betrayal and resentment, well consider that the A was the emotional equivalent of an automobile collision in which your W was responsible for the crash and in which you were the hapless victim that ended up going to the hospital for long term treatment and rehabilitation. You wouldn't expect that the pain and the healing would be something that you would achieve overnight, would you? Well the same holds true regarding the time that is going to take for you and your M to recover.

Right now your feelings want you to act by divorcing her, but it's dangerous if you base your actions on your feelings so close to d-day(discovery day). Actions based on a person's emotional state of mind, often tend to come back to bite him/her on the behind. So please, wait for a few months before you make any long term decisions on your M, and in the meantime try to read everything you can from this website and the Harley books 'Surviving An Affair', 'His Needs Her Needs', and 'Love Busters' as well as The Four Rules For A Succesful Marriage. Give them to your W to read as soon as you are done with them so that she can see that it is possible to become a better spouse and the marriage better than before the A happened.

So please, for your sake and that of your loved ones, don't make any decisions for the time being. You may be thankful that you didn't.

Hey partner I know how you feel and I'm not going to lie to you the pain never goes away. Sorry to say that but when you stay married as I have you get reminded of it all the time by TV radio music and especially your own thoughts. But you can deal with it. You have two kids and you would never want your kids to go through the pain you are going through would you? Well if you look at alot of the people who cheat they came from families who didn't last(at least in my case)so they didn't learn that when tough times come in marriages you have to fight through them.

Of course its al your choice but you can deal with it especially if your wife is dedicated to saving the marraige.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Scott, there are a lot of use out here that understand and feel your pain. Listen to what Coffee has to say.

1) The kids - Don't let everything you here that the kids will get over it. Bottom-line is they won't, and they will see how you and your W lived life and they will repeat it. you need to be an example to them. Step up to the plate, and show them what it means to FORGIVE someone who has made a mistake.
2) You say you don't deserve this treatment. You know what, you are right, you don't. But I can tell you over time (for me it has been 1.5 years since D-day) and I had a lot of your same thoughts. This is not fair, I am tring, why isn't she, I don't see any progress etc. But what has happened over tha last 2 months has been amazing. My spouse is more caring, loving, remorseful, and understnading than she has ever been. I have found the sticking it out, may in-fact lead to what a lot of other folks here have found, a more happier and enjoyable relationship with my W.

3) Finally, you don't try to forget, it just slowly happens, and in some cases, like Coffe said, it may never happen. But you can use it to your advantge. Like others on this sit you will be able to share your story and your word of encouragement.

So don't give up. You made a commitment "Till Death due us Part", live up to that commitment. Show your wife and kids that you can stand-up and and take a punch with-out throwing one back. Teach them what it means to love with-out looking for revenge. In some cases, teach them how to love, with-out getting any love in return.

You can do it, we all know you can.
Praying for you and your wife.
Mesoftball

Thanks to all who responded...I have my weak moments. Your words have helped me.

Scott