WS was supposed to go on a fly fishing trip this weekend with women friends. She calls and says she is not going to go and is going to our summer home for some "quiet" time so she can be undisturbed. There is no phone at the home and she turned off her cell phone to "save" the battery.

I have been in Plan A for about a month. I've been doing good, no love busters. We talk some and all she wants to do is focus on herself and her issues. But her behavior is unreal. Her focus on work is slacking, she is not being responsible.

I can't just all of sudden "trust" her true whereabouts this weekend. I don't even know if she's broken contact with OM. How do I press in and really find out what is going on without love busting?
------------------------------------------------
Me BS 51
WS 47
married 24 years
D-Day #1 1980
D-Day #2 1981
D-Day #3 1987
D-Day #4 April 2003

<small>[ May 30, 2003, 03:58 PM: Message edited by: Joquin1 ]</small>

It sounds totally phony. Changes plans to go to your summer home and turns off the cell phone to
"save the battery"... Oh Please.... You just had your 4th Dday in April of this year. You can probably bet that she will be with the OM. I would go to your Summer home and surprise her.
It really sounds like she is playing you especially since you said you do not even know if she has cut off contact with the OM. My guess is that if you go to your Summer home you will not find her because she is spending her time at the home of the OM. I would go to the Summer home and when you confirm that she lied to you again then I would contact an attorney. How many more times are you going to keep accepting this? I wish you luck.

Yeah, it sounds phony. But it could be true. If I show up and there is no OM that would be a huge lover buster. She would clearly know I only came up to check her. Also the OM is married so she probably would no be there, not that they could'nt figure out a place to go.

Also if I'm in Plan A and she is still seeing OM, would'nt a Plan B letter be more appropriate than seeing an attorney? I still do want to save my marriage.

Joquin1 remember that Plan A is about negotiating an end to the A without love busters and with an express willingness on the part of the BS to meet unfulfilled EN's of the WS after the A ends.

Joquin:

I would go to the Summer home with a plan to really surprise her and have a good time if she is at this place. You can make it a romantic interlude.
I would come and bring wine and cheese etc. and try to be romantic and have some plans for the two of you so it would look like you really miss her. If you wish to save the marriage, I agree with you and think about plan b so she will know the consequences of her actions. By the way does the OM's wife know about the affair. It is essential that she be informed. Most of the time when the wife finds out the OM will cut off the affair immediately. Are you both in counseling?
You really need to establish boundaries in your marriage. If you do not have truth and honesty in your relationship then what do you really have?
I wish you luck.

Joquin1 remember that Plan A is about negotiating an end to the A without love busters and with an express willingness on the part of the BS to meet unfulfilled EN's of the WS after the A ends.

I have expressed many times a willingness to meet my WS's unfulfilled emotional needs, but don't really know if the A is over. She can't tell me what her emotional needs are because she has burried them for so long. WS only wants to work on her issues, fix herself, then maybe work on the marriage. In the interterim, she says I must change. She is totaly focused on herself. After having so many affairs over the years I can see she does need help with her character so this can't be all that bad. I just hope the counseling she's getting addresses these issues.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Joquin1:
<strong>I have expressed many times a willingness to meet my WS's unfulfilled emotional needs, but don't really know if the A is over. She can't tell me what her emotional needs are because she has burried them for so long. WS only wants to work on her issues, fix herself, then maybe work on the marriage. In the interterim, she says I must change. She is totaly focused on herself. After having so many affairs over the years I can see she does need help with her character so this can't be all that bad. I just hope the counseling she's getting addresses these issues.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Joquin1 click on the links bellow to get to the EN's and LB's questionaires, and print them out. Give one copy of each to your W and ask her to please fill them out. If she does, then you'll be able to know for certain what her top EN's are and you can start a plan of action to meet them.

Listen up Chat Group!!!

Although I am a lousy role model and still not over the OW, I will say this!!!

The phone off is the dead give away!!!!

When the affair was dwindling down and it was becoming more apparent that something was wrong, the OW was no longer picking up or had her phone on when I called.

Sorry, this is a dead give away!!

YOu could kill two birds with one stone. YOu could call the W of the OM and explain what's been happening in the past, and then ask her where the OM is now. If his story sounds suspicious, then a trip to the summer home is warranted. Bring something nice just in case, like a relaxing CD and some bath oil, or a journal and fancy pen, include a love letter. If she's there alone, then drop it off, spend an hour and leave her be. If she's not...

Then how much longer in Plan A, a week? A month? A few months? But give yourself a deadline. Then Plan B.

YOu could kill two birds with one stone. YOu could call the W of the OM and explain what's been happening in the past, and then ask her where the OM is now. If his story sounds suspicious, then a trip to the summer home is warranted. Bring something nice just in case, like a relaxing CD and some bath oil, or a journal and fancy pen, include a love letter. If she's there alone, then drop it off, spend an hour and leave her be. If she's not...

Good idea but... if I call OM wife and he is at home and the trip to the summer home is a solo trip and if in fact the affair has stopped as she said, then I will have caused an uproar. First between OM and wife (she may or may not know yet) and WS will think it a huge love buster. I was thinking of calling anonymously and seeing if OM was home. Then make up my mind to take a trip to the summer home. If I do go and OM is there what am I suppose to do?

<small>[ May 31, 2003, 02:35 AM: Message edited by: Joquin1 ]</small>

Hi Joquin1

If you really need to know what your wife is up to this weekend couldn't you just go to the summer home and spy on her?
Isn't there a possibility for you to hide behind the trees or something similar? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
I hope everything turns out to be OK!

If you really need to know what your wife is up to this weekend couldn't you just go to the summer home and spy on her?

Yes I could. It's a 6 hour round trip. I was going to call the home of OM first and see if he was there. I could pose as a mortgage broker or something and say I was returning his call. It just all sounds so sneaky but I do need to know one way or the other.

Joquin:

I think you really need to take a hard look at yourself. You need to ask yourself why are you willing to keep staying in a marriage where your wife has constant affairs on you, puts your health at risk, and continues to disrespect and humiliate you. Apparently she feels that she has no boundaries and that you will always be willing to accept this behavior without consequences. In the long run she is destroying your self-respect and self-image. I think you deserve better in your life. I wish you luck.

Ok, I took that look at myself. I confirmed that they are together. I talked to OM's wife. She only knew about it for a few days. I've gone to plan B. I've asked WS to leave the house and no contact with me. She has also been lying consistently to our D who is now devistated. Every day for a month now this mess just keep getting worse & worse. At least I have my self respect.

I wish you good luck. The number one priority is your daughter and yourself. She does not deserve you and you deserve better. Enough is enough!