i found out about my H of 28yrs. A in march it had been going on since dec. a woman he met in A.A. around 8/2002 he had known her for about 4 months when they stsrted the A. this woman was of course first a friend to my H. she sat at my table and ate dinner with my H, me, my 2 daughters and my son. i rode in her car to my son's football game. my oldest daughter found her a place to live. thank god she moved back to her hometown that is out of state. how can she not feel guilty about destroying a family. this is allso her second married man A. she is 38 yrs. old single never been married. my H is 51 i am 49. she new from the start he was married. we were happy till this happened even though he says we weren't and he hasn't been in love with me for a long time. i don't beleive that i think it just makes him feel better to say or think that he is in such a fog.i don't understand how anyone can be with a married person and think it is ok because their in love! bull!

After month, even now years on this board, there is one thing that has become clear. When it comes to relationships there is more harm done in the name of ‘love’ then in the name of ‘hate’. Yet anything that harms so many people can not be love, it is lust and selfishness in short. I am so tired of the ‘in love’ excuse for misbehavior.

And it’s even more tragic that the OP/WS do not have he cajones to just say we were horny and did not care about anyone else. To hide behind ‘love’ is just degusting.

Not that I have an opinion or anything.

Amen to that!!!

dekicks, does your H have an AA sponser?

Do you go to Alanon meetings?

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

yes he has a sponsor. he has been in recovery for 13 yrs. they both no better. i do go to alanon.my H. left work early tues.5/20 and stopped to talk to his sponsor. he called o/w told her he had to work on Marriage and be with his family, stopped all contact same day came home and told his children and myself. we have 3 kids f-23 f-19 m-13. they are pretty upset with their father. hate the o/w.

This sounds promising actually.

What fun activities do you and your H do together, without the kids?

Is there some hobby, class, or trip you and H could pull off together?

I know you want to obsess about the wicked OW, but, it' a waste of your energy, and does not bring forth marital recovery. I suggest if you need to vent about OW, do it here and not with your H. If you vent about OW on MB boards, call it a vent .

OW is likely to be a woman who has very little in the way of self-esteem. She is a sick individual. Not really competition for you.

Alcoholics, even sober alcoholics are immature. They often lack problem-solving skills. They are short-term-fix addicts.

My H has a strict rule about NOT "helping" females in AA. His A was with a woman (non-AA) who coaxed him to "listen" to her marital and personal problems. The flattery of this type of request can not be overestimated. Use this knowledge to bring your H closer to you. Sounds like your H has the same weakness. Engage your H in your emotional inner life. He doesn't need to fix things for you, but he does need to be included.

Have you read "The Big Book"?

Pep

If not, here it is <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

http://www.recovery.org/aa/bigbook/ww/index.html

Susan

(((SUZZZZZ)))

Way cool!

thanks pep i will read the big book i never thought of that. my mind has been a little scrambled lately. my H. and i are going to newport this weekend for our 28th wedding anniversary. we allso go to the gym together about 3 0r 4 times a week at least. we go out every sat. together. allso my son plays on babe ruth so we go to his baseball games at least 3xweek. we are spending alot of quality time together. i really appreciate your input. thank you! de

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> we were happy till this happened even though he says we weren't and he hasn't been in love with me for a long time. I don't believe that </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think you need to understand what H meant by this. If that is how he feels (Perception is reality), then there is a need or 2 you are not providing him that makes him feel loved. Read His needs Her Needs. Also make sure you H reads it. I think it will go a long way to help you understand this comment. It helped me quite a bit.

You should also be encouraged by you H stopping all contact with the OW, and say I need to work on my marriage. It is far easier to run than it is to face this and try to make it work. As he comes out of the FOG he is in, the reality of the matter will sink in. Stand by him, help him, and build up credits in his Love Bank.

Praying for you.

I have no advice, just a shoulder to cry on if you need it! My ex-WS met his little honey in A.A., too. He was 48 and she was 21. Just started out as "trying to help out a needy person who had nothing in life." My ex had 6 years clean and sober. I suggested that he refer her to a female A.A., member as A.A. recommends no opposite sex sponsoring or problem solving. He'd always done that before. She would call our house periodically and I would hand the phone over to him figuring it was A.A. "business", and none of my business. Long story short, she got pregnant and they now have an 11 month old son with Down Syndrome. What a mess! While I know that my ex and this woman are responsible for their behavior and choices, it bugs me that people at their A.A. club were betting on the birth date and seeing them as a "couple", while we were still married!! Talk about enabling! Yuck!!

You have no idea how many times I tell clients to get their significant other's involved in self-help AA/ NA/ CA etc etc. Open discussion/ speaker meetings help bring families closer and provides that extra supportive bond familes need.

Al-anon is also recommended to clients so they see how it is on the other foot. I would get your husband to go to them with you.

I wish you well... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />