Here goes....
I am a soldier who was called to war at possibly the worst time for me to go anywhere without my wife. She was at the same time called up. We are now half a world apart which sets the stage for our very difficult situation.
We got married last Nov. after having lived together for about a year and a half. The conditions of our relationship were never ideal as I had many military obligations and so did she during that time. We quickly planned a wedding in a month due to the upcoming war. We always loved eachother but we did fight about this and that. After reading the Basic Concepts I now realize that she was avoiding being a "complainer" and I didn't help with arguing her to my side whenever she did say something. It was over all not a safe place for either of us to communicate.
Anyway, since we got married almost six months ago we've been able to spend a whopping 21 days together. Things deteriorated, but I had no idea how much until recently.
Right before the war kicked off I buried myself in preparation for the worst my job had to offer. She felt abandoned and I resented her for not being more supportive. I left for my mobilization station and she left for her unit. We had several phone conversations that went poorly for the same reasons as before right before I flew to the Middle East. The last one, she said, was the turning point. In it, she asked me what I would do if we weren't together anymore. I assumed that she meant after we had tried everything and responded that I would be devistated but I would move on with my career goals (Special Forces) but very unhappy. She wanted to hear that I would fight for our relationship and that she was the first priority in my life. She was devistated by my incorrect answer and thought of suicide. Well, a fellow soldier, also separated from his girlfriend, comforted her and talked to her. In the meantime I had no way of communicating with my wife for maybe two weeks. During this time the other man and her became lovers. Later after a few letters from her that were worded in such a way to make me suspicious but at the same time feeling guilty for doubting her, I confronted her about it. She admitted her guilt. My first reaction was one of self-blame for having been so selfish and insensitive during our relationship.
She took this and ran with it as justification. I asked her to stop seeing this man, who she was still hanging out with. She said she couldn't, that they did everything almost every day together. Every activity that she enjoyed doing she did with him and that furthermore I wasn't aloud to tell her who her friends could be. Finally, I was becoming so upset about our situation that I asked her to meet me at our home state (neutral ground?). My chain of command became involved to grant my leave which comes into play later. Unfortunately, only days before she was supposed to leave, I called her to ask if hers was approved. She wasn't there so I asked her supervisor, who responded "what leave?". I explained the importance of the leave being granted for her. He responded by chewing her out in their commanders office for not keeping them informed about her marriage problems and instructed her to take leave to fix it. Now she labeled me a pushy controlling person and bought the plane ticket with much anger. I explained my side of it which she said she understood but it turns out later she kept that resentment. This cursed our week of trying to work it out from the beginning. Everything fell apart immediately and she left early. Her plan: she needed time apart to grow as an individual, she was going back to her unit, finishing her deployment, then giving herself more time by moving out of our house and in with her ex-roommate in another state. I was instructed to follow my goals which would take about 2 years of training. Then, and only then, would we see where we stood. She left all photos and letters she had had with her at her unit on our dresser. She was going to leave her ring too, but I asked her to take it with even if she wasn't going to wear it. Her stated status of our marriage upon leaving: null and void. She returned to her unit and I returned to the desert. Now, up until the cat was let out of the bag, she continually wrote me telling me she missed me and to stay out of the way of the bullets and that she wanted me home. She said she loved me. After that though, she became increaingly distant and wanting to exert less and less effort. She has now slipped into Withdrawal and will do nothing that might help our relationship. Also, evidence points to her seeing this other soldier seriously now. I want to continue to work on this but don't want to push her away further. How do I Negotiate with someone that doesn't want to? She's not interested in doing anything. This huge attitude shift happened within the last month. However, this is my plan so far and tell me what you think: she still accepts my calls and we can talk as long as its not about us. So, I was going to call and chat, then request a time when we would have the time to talk about making both of us happy in this unhappy situation (Policy of Joint Agreement), stating that it seems she still at least cares for me as a friend even if she doesn't love me anymore. If she agrees, I will suggest the Ground Rules, make it clear that I don't expect to solve everything at one time, and then proceed with understanding eachother's perspectives and doing my best to be respectful and not angry or pushy. I know that in one Q&A the advice was given not to give in without enthusiastically agreeing, however, under the circumstances I was considering offering my backing off during her deployment if she would consider not moving out of our house and giving it a second chance. NOW, here's the interesting twist: My chain of command is contacting hers and getting this other soldier transferred and possibly prosecuted for crimes during a state of war (in the Army, adultery is a serious crime and it is doubly so if it's with the spouse of a soldier serving in war). This may happen within a week or so. I of course protested that this incident will be blamed on me and it could destroy my marriage for good. The Army, however feels it must punish the guilty regardless. When this thing goes off, she will really resent me even though I didn't commit the crime or condone the punishment.
1- Do you think the negotiation plan is good?
2- What do I do if she wants no part of it?
3- How do I deal with her anger when her lover is yanked away from her? Should I just break contact for awhile? Should I try to explain/defend myself as not having instigated his punishment?
4- How do I fulfill her Emotional Needs from many thousands of miles away?
I am a soldier serving my country and am willing to give my life, but I don't want to lose the most important thing in my life doing it if I can prevent it. I love her more than anything. I am still clinging to this small thread of hope and keeping my Taker at bay while trying to be forgiving and understanding. Not arguing my side is hard but I'm learning a lot from this site and feel I'm making a lot of progress. I'm employing my Giver a lot but I'm exhausted. I even told her I would give up my dream to go SF if that's what it took and that's a huge sacrifice for me. I read all the Q&As but none of them were trying to recover an unfaithful marriage from around the world. My only tools are emails and occasional phone calls.
Any help at all is appreciated.

Thanks

DW...I am so sorry that you've found a need for this site, but you have found a good one. I think your plan of trying to continue to talk to your W as much as possible with the goal of hopefully reclaiming your marriage is a sound one.

If when you first discuss this she is not willing to agree, then see if you can reach some sort of agreement on some aspects of it. It's unlikely that she'll agree to all of it...at least in the beginning, so show that you are willing to listen and change some of what you'd like in an effort to prove to her that you are listening and that you're willing to negotiate the "rules of conduct". That you value her and her imput. That the needs of both of you have equal importance.

Inform her of what your command has told you may well happen about this OM. Don't let it blindside her, you can tell her what you've done on your side to avoid having this be put on this man's service record (and hers), but that at the moment this is what you've heard from your command. Ask her if there is anything she would like you to do in this area...and if what she asks is possible and reasonable, decide if you wish to do it. Do NOT promise to do anything you are unwilling or unable to do!!! (And I must be honest...I hope he is removed from the situation. jmho)

I'm sure you're more aware then anyone else the dangers of military life on a married couple. The sad fact is that you and your W have not been together enough to have built up the foundation needed to help get you both through these separations. You've had a dating relationship and a short "honeymoon" period during your 21 days together since the marriage. And even these 21 days were overshadowed by the need to get ready for both deployments.

I honestly don't have much if any advice on how to go about meeting someone's emotional needs when an ocean separates you. Emails, letters, phone calls...but I am sure you are doing those. Be honest, be caring, be kind, be open.

Good Luck!!!!!! And may God watch over you and your fellow soldiers and keep you all safe....God Bless you!

Thanks for the input.
During our short leave in our home state, I did inform her of the possibility of this happening to OM. I told her that I was asked for the information to conduct the investigation, but that I risked my behind by conveniently forgetting to give that info before I left for the states. Unfortunately, now that I'm back I've been ordered to divulge that information in order to proceed. Additionally, if I tell her anything I am in violation of military law by interferring with an investigation by informing one of the subjects of that investigation of it. So....I can't tell her anything more than I warned her about when we last saw eachother. When I told her I thought for sure it would be forgotten as the command isn't very self-motivated to look up numbers and things themselves. However, I underestimated how upset they were at this having happened to one of their soldiers (creating a casualty essentially and a loss of a team leader). They feel they must punish this soldier or others will take it as leave to do likewise.
In other words, that boulder is rolling down the hill whether I like it or not and I'm powerless to give warning.
The only good thing is it looks like they will probably only transfer him and leave their records alone, but you never know for sure.
Oh, additionally, I did state for the record that I was against this as it may be detrimental to negotiations in my marriage. So if questioned by her, I can prove that.

I'm preparing now for the phone call on monday (tomorrow for those of you 8 hours behind). Also, just in case, I've drafted a plan B letter which I've posted under Plan A/B for feedback in the meantime. If negotiations go nowhere, and with no time before the coming destruction, I feel there is no choice but to send it to her.

Hi DW,

Thanks for serving and welcome to MB.

I was in Kosovo last year with my reserve unit and know how hard it is to try and rebuild your M when you're deployed. My situation was a bit different from yours in that my FWW's A's all happend over 10 years earlier and she wasn't still involved with the OM.

Try to keep the relationship talks out of your phone calls and e-mails... you'll have plenty of time to have those talks when you are together again. Journal your thoughts and post here. This is a great place to vent.

Don't let your immagination control you. Infidelity hurts. Don't make it worse by letting your immagination dream up all sorts of problems that may or may not actually be happening.

Accept what your W says at face value. Don't "read" into what you think she's saying. (see above)

As far as the OM being prosecuted under the UCMJ, I wouldn't worry about that... It's his problem (and your W's). They knew the consequences of their actions and now they both must deal with it. I think that most commands look more unfavorably on the OP than they do the WS so hopefully they will go easier on your W.

Keep posting here and try to get a copy of Torn Asunder by Dave Carder... this book really helped me make some sort of sense of my feelings while I was deployed.

Semper Fi,
RIF90

DW...well...you've already warned her, she's in the military too so should know that there is a lot that is taken out of your hands completely. Yes, she may well hold you at fault when the "sh*t hits the fan", but if so remind her kindly that you do not control what command does.

Considering that there is 7000 miles distance between the two of you, I wouldn't jump to a plan B letter. Plan B is to be taken AFTER a solid plan A attempt. It's going to be really hard to do a Plan A when you aren't even in the same country, much less the same house. You may want to keep the lines of communication open...at least on your end at this point. jmho

Now it's very possible that you just are incapable of doing a Plan A at all...I wouldn't have been and we were not apart, so I do understand if this is where you are. There are some things that are dealbreakers from the beginning and her behavior and unwillingness to bend may well be one for you.

Some marriages are worth fighting for with every thing you have, some are not. Only you and your W can decide which marriage you have. While it's very possible for one partner to hold a marriage together over the short-term, both partners must at some point want to work on the marriage long-term.

You do want to protect the love you hold for her now, if it feels as if continued interaction with her will only damage the remaining love, it may be best to try a form of Plan B...but move careful into this. I really think at this point keeping the lines of communication open might be more advantagous then stopping all contact. jmho

Good Luck!

RinF90,
I would like to keep relationship issues out of our phone calls, but since her plan is to move out of our apartment immediately following the deployment, there will not be time later. It's now or never. I've made my call just an hour ago to request that we set up a time this evening, after she gets off work, to discuss things constructively and see if we can come to some agreement that is acceptable to both of us. My main goal is to see if there is any flexibility at all on the moving out issue. I think I can give her space while on deployment for her to figure things out, but if we don't have a chance to work it out together afterwards I fear it's over, I will go to Spec. Forces and won't be back for around 2 years. Wish me luck tonight 8:30 pst.

Wifey02,
What did you mean by 'be careful' on plan B. Do you mean send the letter but have more communication available than a normal plan B or what?

What I meant by "careful" is that Plan B is a plan to cut off all communication between you and your spouse which doesn't involve children or those items which must be discussed. It pulling away as far as possible.

JMHO...because of the physical distance which you must now deal with, that if you break off all contact...then you're sort of leaving her with no options. She already must deal with the fact that you are physically thousands of miles away for some time, the only link the two of you have is communication. She can't look into your eyes when you speak, she can't feel your arms around her when she becomes afraid. (And the same is true of you.)

Plan B is basically a last ditch effort to push the WS into trying to get all of their emotional needs met by their affair partner. Because of the distance, you are already at a marked disadvantage of being unable to met certain of her needs and that's not changing until you're free to return home. Therefore only those needs which can be met though words and heartfelt feelings can be claimed. If you go to Plan B, even these will not be met.

I just want you to think clearly and long before you make a decision about Plan B. Sometimes once a Plan B is begun, the WS sees this as a "done deal" and considers themselves free to put everything into a new relationship and justifies this decision with the "you quit the marriage first" statement.

thanks, I needed to hear that
that clarifies things quite well

maybe part of me is a little over eager for plan B as it would take some of my pain away. Perhaps my Taker is being a sneaky [censored] <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />