Maybe I've been too nice to WS, Plan A'ing my a$$ off for almost a week.

Now he starts putting even more pressure on me asking me to get an appartment soon.
He don't want our son to know anything though H promised that we would tell him last weekend.
H is still hoping for OW to come visit him here this summer.
Yesterday I was beginning to feel good about it all but H' call today about me finding an appartment was a major setback.

Should I tell our son how things are - that would be a BIG LB - but H doesn't want me anyway, so....?

DW,

Please do not move out. Just keep thinking of your son. It is fair to him to have to move? Why should his world be disrupted any more than it needs to be.

Additionally it will make things way to easy for your husband. When he tries to pressure you tell him something like "When you ask me to do find an appartment it hurts me deeply. It makes me feel like you are just trying to throw me away. I have no plans to move at this time."

or

"When you ask me to do find an appartment it hurts me deeply. The thought that you want to continue your affair here, in the house we share is hurtful and disrespectful. I have no plans to move at this time."

Now he starts putting even more pressure on me asking me to get an appartment soon.

Don't do it! Why should you have to move just so that he doesn't have to get his hands dirty? NOOOO!!! If anyone should have to move, it should be him. Then the OW can visit him there anytime away from your son. If he wants to pursue this A, let him be the one who has to worry about where he's going to live, not you. You have enough to think about: the welfare of your self and child.

Be strong. As you told me, keep on Plan Aing him.

My thoughts are with you.

Take care.

Sorry, sent it before I was ready....

How old is your son? If he's mature enough, YES do tell him. He has a right to know. However, stick to the facts. Try doing it with respect for your WS. If you tell him gently, he will be better prepared to handle things knowing that you are doing your best to save your M and keep the family together. Also, he'll be better equipped to face the OW if/when he meets her. (It doesn't sound like your H is overly anxious for your son to meet her, maybe because he feels guilty?...)

Do NOT move out! If WH wishes to separate...then he needs to move out. You're trying to hold your marriage together, do not make it easier for him by leaving. Plus there are legal issues if you do leave. NEVER leave the home unless there is a danger of physical abuse or else you have the advice of a lawyer.

I would NOT tell my children without my H being informed before I do so. I would however, inform my H that at 8:00 pm tonight (example) I am sitting down and talking to them...this allows him to either be there or not.

Depending on the age of your child...move forward with care. A young child does NOT need to know any details beside the fact that mom and dad are having problems which have no reflection on the love that mom and dad have on child. An older child may ask questions which need to be answered honestly but without dishing one parent or the other. It is perfect acceptable to tell an older child that details are NOT forthcoming as they are private to the couple. Reaffirm that both parents love the child, no matter what the age. An older child can accept that parents drift apart, have problems...a younger one already knows that they have no control over what adults do and are usually more acdepting.

Any age child will have fears of abandonment, anger at both parents. Validate their right to their feelings. Be open and honest and kind, not only to the child but to each other.

Good Luck!

Hi Danish!

Don't you dare move out!!! He did this to you! You didn't do anything wrong! You need to fight him on this one! Don't fall victim to him! He has been manipulating you enough! If he wants that OW to come for a visit, then you tell him to pack up and get his own apartment! In the meantime, you need to get IC for yourself! The pain you are feeling is interfering with your judgement!
You need to stand up for your sons needs. Apparently he is not thinking of him if he wants to up root his life for his OW!
If I were you, take things very slowly! I know the pain you are going through. It hurts beyond belief and it is not fair! Do Plan A slow. It might be an over kill right away. He might think (JMHO) that you are trying to hard and over killing it! Great for his oversized ego! I still need to look at plan A again!
But please, DO NOT MOVE OUT!
I will be thinking and praying for you!
Ali

Are you talking about moving out of your joint home? DON'T DO IT - until you talk to a lawyer. In some states, it will hurt you in court if you move out of your home for him. The party who lives in the home may be entitled to a larger share of its equity. (Your WS may already know this - and it might be why he's asking you to leave.) Also, I don't know your story, but if you want to try to save your marriage and wait out his hormonal craziness - you will be in a much better postion if you maintain your place in the home. Why should you and your son disrupt your lives any more than they have been disrupted just because your H is selfish? Let him worry about finding somewhere else to stay.

I'm getting so much help from you guys! Thank you so much <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I told H that I was not in a hurry to move out and that I was so sad about him trying to push me in that direction - that I love him and have no desire for us to split up.

Today he vent out searching for an appartment for himself to move into.

I asked him if he'd reconsider MC because we promised our son to go, and he said he'll do it if it means that much to me.
BUT "it won't change my mind about us"!!! ... he said. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Silly man! He will go to MC but it won't change his mind about the two of you? Well, once he starts to go maybe he will realize what an A$$ he has been! Good, I am glad to read that!
Maybe he does realize what he is doing is wrong but afraid to admit it? Does he have a large ego that he needs to protect???
Ali
I really admire you!

Good for you! You handled that beautifully. You see, now that you've shown him that you are strong in your beliefs. It moved him to action. Now you can concentrate on yourself and your son. You are the ones who are important. Hopefully one day, I will see that too.

I'm really proud of you!

Well...let him search! I know that may seem harsh, but he needs to see what the reality is in what he is choosing. He's about to get a crash course in the cost of separate households. It may help wake him up somewhat.

You stick to your guns, if he continues to choose to live as if he's single, then you do need to see a lawyer...not to get the divorce you don't want, but to find out your legal rights in all this so that you can protect yourself.

Most affairs no matter what die a natural death, often being forced from the "affair" relationship into more of an open normal relationship can speed it hitting the skids.

It sounds as if his affair is long distance, do you know if they have ever actually met? If so, under what conditions? If they haven't met or have only met for short periods it may be more fantasy then anything else and nothing like the light of day to turn the fantasy off.

Good Luck!

Thanks again!

>>>>>Ali88
Maybe he does realize what he is doing is wrong but afraid to admit it? Does he have a large ego that he needs to protect???

I really don't think he realizes that what he did or am doing is wrong. He does have a big ego - and he's "always right". He NEVER said "I'm sorry" for anything he did in our entire M.

>>>>>SAB
You handled that beautifully. You see, now that you've shown him that you are strong in your beliefs. It moved him to action.

Thanks a lot!
Yes, but I'm not sure I need that kind of action. He 'consulted' me about the separation papers tonight, and I told him that I wouldn't take part in that and that I wouldn't sign anything that would put an end to our M.
He still don't understand how his actions hurts me! Sometimes I wish I could cry, yell and scream at him!!!

>>>>>just a wifey
It sounds as if his affair is long distance, do you know if they have ever actually met? If so, under what conditions?

They were together day and night for a month when my H went to Spain for a 5 week pilgrims walk. They walked 800 kilometers and he lied to me all the time... telling me he loved me while he fell in love whith OW.
He didn't know OW before they met in Spain walking the same route - and she comes from the other side of the world, - Australia - but this whole year she's travelling around the world. Now she's in Ireland. I was suspicious when H was away from home and 5 days after his return to Denmark where we live I confronted him and he told me what had been going on.
They are in love! H sends her cellphone messages and E-mails all the time. She even called him on his cell phone while he was at home and he talked to her for 20 minutes (hiding in the garden where I could not hear).
I saw a message on his cell phone "Love you too" she wrote <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Today I feel ready to ask him to move to his mom's basement NOW!!!

After he filled out the separation papers last night he sent OW a message on the cell phone. I'd like to know what he wrote!

I had a terrible nightmare - I was planning my own suicide - a friend held me and gave me a hug and I cried and cried. When I woke up I was crying for real.
I NEED physical contact so bad.
H's cold behaviour is too much for me.
I'm so sad that he doesn't love me anymore.
I need him to feel bad about what he's doing.

I'm rambling...

How are you? I wanted to let you know that I've had dreams like that too. They are so awful. But, as I tell my children, the good thing about nightmares is that they don't exist when you wake up...except maybe the real ones we wish we could wake up from.

Remember, today's a new day to focus on your son. He needs you as you need him.

Hello SAB.

Things are going downhill real quick. I saked H the other night "Did you send the separation papers", and he said yes.
Then I told him that now we MUST tell our son about it all (we'll tell him tonight!) - and told H that I need him to move out for a period of time - I need some time alone with my son and my thoughts and feelings.
I need to see friends and family in my home again and to be able to talk openly about it all. No more secrets - I'm not the one who chose to live a secret life!
Don't know how this will end?

Hello DW, I have been following your thread I am so so so sorry for your pain and what is going on right now. I know that you are probably at your lowest point in life but as I read you seem so strong that is an insperation to me. I am not going through what you are my H has made the decision to stay and work it out no matter what and I have had major outburst latley because of my pain I know this is a real no no in plan A. I recieved my book SAA and have been reading it do you have it? It is helping me even though alot of the things in the book are so true that they are painful to read. I don't really have any advise for you I just wanted to lend my support to you during this most difficult time.Good luck and let us all know the outcome.