I posted on the EN Board Saturday and this AM, and I have been reading posts of others and am LEARNING. I didn't think it would hurt to post here too - This is SO long, but ~ please let me post once more, I need more feedback. I am DESPERATE. I can't eat, I can't work, and I feel like I am going to fall apart.

My H has said the following things to me over the last few days:
"I am a failure" (repeatedly)
"We do nothing but fight" (about his job, his mother)
"I don't need you or anyone - I don't want to need you or anyone"
"I am numb, cold"
"I don't understand why ..."
"I've got all these walls, and when I knock some down, I turn around to find 3 extra walls"
"I thought about letting myself fall six stories and I've never thought anything like that before" (when he was working on a construction site and was in a position where he could have done it)
"I listened to you threaten to leave so many times that I finally believe that it's over"
"I can't make anyone happy"
"I don't feel connected to you anymore. I love you but I am not in love with you anymore"
"I've felt this way - getting gradually worse for the past year" (but he neversaid anything)
"I am having terrible thoughts that I can't describe to anyone"
"I can't forgive myself"
"Part of me wants to leave and put all of this behind me - my mind tells me this and then my mind says I need to try to work it out"

This is SO OUT OF CHARACTER for him - these comments of self reproach. Could he be depressed? Could this be effecting his feelings for me? Did I CAUSE this depression like state?

I don't want this to be "the reason" but if this is PART of the reason, will MB work without separate treatment for him?

He has has had BIG stressors - the death of his father 2 years ago from a brain tumor, bad relationship with his mother since (and before). She suddenly announced she was remarrying on June 16th after she told my H that she was unsure of her feelings for my H's father (they were married over 40 years). He has refused to attend the wedding. Many others in his family don't support the remarriage, but are attending and supporting anyway, and my H feels like he is completely alone in this.

I have been terrible. About everything. About his mother - said disgraceful things. Have had my own issues with clinical depression off and on for over 12 years (treated, but stopped taking antidepressants about 1 1/2 years ago ~ thought I was doing much better than I was). Insecurities that have made me a bottomless pit at times - needy - not there for him). Words were the issue - no action - idle threats by me to leave (you should have never married me, I want to leave, I'm not good enough, you don't love me, etc.)

BUT - I don't understand how this reached this point without my knowing and without him saying something. I can't see what has changed about US in the past year that was not there 2 or 3 years ago. This does NOT mean that I am not wrong and largely to blame.

He has always been an open, gregarious person - everyone loves him - people he works with, my family, everyone. he has never been unkind to me - we have fought contantly about his work and his family, but even with that he never called me names, was always affectionate, always "there" willing to go the extra mile.

Our nine year anniversary is on June 18th. I just don't know how to go on. I want to fight, and CHANGE. I will change - He has agreed to counseling but not with confidence. He has agreed to try without confidence.

Is my desire to SAVE our marriage WRONG FOR HIM? I will do ANYTHING to fix this. I know this has probably been said 1 million times before, but there is nothing that I NEED to do that won't make me a better person

Working on my marriage using Harley's methods has done wonders for my depression, because the problems with our marriage was a source of much of the depression.

YES! Your H is suffering from depression! Get him to a doctor as soon as possible!!! Depression often sneaks up and it is only when the lights have completely gone out that it becomes so overwhelming that it spills over so that all those around you can see that the "happy mask" you've been wearing is just that...a mask! (My H suffers from this.)

If he's agreed to counseling...GREAT! He needs to find a good individual counselor for the depression, with a doctor watching his meds to make sure that whatever he is given is doing the job.

You may find out that if he gets treatment for his depression, much of the other issues will resolve on their own as far as the marriage goes.

HOWEVER...since you admit that the two of you have been having family/in-law issues, plus your own bouts with depression you too should see a doctor and discover if you need to began taking medication once more. (Especially if you just decided on your own without your doctor to stop taking them.)

Do find a good pro-marriage counselor! A good counselor is worth their weight in gold, a bad one is worse then no counselor at all. So do your homework and find out what type of theraphy they practice.

It sounds as if you both need some skills in communication and problem solving which will not separate you, but help make you a bonded force in resolving conflicts within and without the marriage.

There is a LOT of valuable information on site, please read! I always believed that if a couple BOTH do Plan A with the goal of bettering themselves and in meeting the needs of their mates (not talking about the infidelity part, which seems not to be an issue for you) that it makes a wonderful tool for getting you both back on the track of being kind and caring to your mate, while at the same time learning how best to make yourself happier.

As your H is in a depressed state of mind, making life changing decisions would be about the worst mistake he could make. The decision to end a marriage should not be decided during depression. So your trying to keep your marriage together is NOT wrong.

Your H is going to need your support during his depression, you may be his only lifeline, even if he is incapable of telling you this. Encourage him to get help, be understanding that he is incapable of seeing a light at the end of the tunnel right now. Depression is a terrible illness, but one which can be helped so much more quickly now then in the past. His doctor should start him out on some medication, or a combination and then he should be monitored closely to see that they are doing what they should be doing.

Good Luck!!!!!

I agree with JAW

look on the other posts you did. I answered there.

I do agree your husband NEEDS individual councel for his mental disorder for him to be totally open and it is not because he is blaming you.
but the thing is it is confidential and will not be talked about to others and it is suppose to be a safe place for him to spill his guts so to speak.

you both can have a marriage councellor for your marriage.

you need to get back to therapy for yourself.
I also thought about you saying negative things to him. It seems like he finally believed what you told him over the years.
It was what happened to me. mine told me I was a failure that soon I repeated it to him and he said, why do you say that?
it is something he use to do, I always thought he knew what he was doing, I even believed I would be a bag lady someday because he use to toss me out. I figured when I got old I would be in the streets and it almost happened.

I hope you will work things out with him and take responsibility for some words you spoke.
Probably when you were angry.
but now you know better. God help you both to get things healed! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />