I posted my whole story in my original thread, so I won't do it again.

But once again I pushed my H into telling me WHY, WHY, WHY he did this to me!! He finally came out and said that at the time (while it was going on) he thought I deserved it!! Because I cheated on him 7 years ago when I was 19 years old and we had just moved in together!! I know what I did was wrong, and I've spent the past 7 years making up for it!! I've been completely faithful to my H!! And I told him about my mistake BEFORE we got married, so he had the opportunity to tell me to get lost if he wanted to. Why wait 7 years to get revenge??

He says that after it was over, he felt guilty and that's why he started to come home drunk every night. He now SAYS he doesn't think I deserved it, but what if he really does?? What if he's just walking around thinking "Ok, I got my revenge...let's move on!!" He says that's not how he feels, that he truly feels horrible about what he did. But he lied about it for a whole year after it happened!! Why should I believe him now?? And does he still hate me for what I did 7 years ago??

Is it Karma?? Did I somehow bring this on myself because I was a stupid teenager before I got married?? Did I deserve to be cheated on by my H?? Sometimes I feel like I don't have a right to be mad!!
____________________
BS(me)26, WH 29
Date of A: 3x in April 2002
Dday: 5/8/2003

Blond,

No it isn't karma. Sounds to me like an insecrue person looking for an excuse for what happened.

I think it is selfishness that motivates an A. It was in my case. Being lonely, the indifference from my wife and her A's put me on the path to thinking I deserved to "feel" something. I put what I wanted way before what was good for my lovely wife and our marriage.

We can find plenty of excuses ro have an A, seldom ther is a "reason."

You didn't deseve it. Do you feel he is sincere?

You can be angry, don't hold the crap in. It will eat at your insides. Don't blow up on him but you can let him know you are angry without "giving him hell"

God Bless

I dont think you brought anything on yourself. I thought about you and your other posts alot over the weekend. Sometimes people look for reasons to put the blame anywhere but themselves, because that would be admitting they knew they were wrong the whole time. Im not sure why anyone does anything anymore. Im not sure I should post anything in response to anyone because Im a ball of confusion. My heart aches for you and all the rest of us who have had to find this board. Im trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel and hope one day I can help someone else do the same. But for the moment Ill post and hope I make a little sense and maybe bring either a smile to someones face or hope to their heart. At some point the pain will fade,(i hope) forgiveness is one thing forgetting is a whole other ball game. But in not forgetting the effort must be there to not relive. I think thats gonna be the tough one for anyone going thru all this mess we call life. Blondie hope I made some sense but your posts hit me hard the first time I saw.

It does sound like he never got over the pain of having you cheat on him just when you both moved in together. I am just guessing but this should have been a wonderful event for the both of you and probably at your happiest. He may of thought that down deep you really did not love him the way he loved you. I am guessing it festered like a sore for a very long time and he never got over it just like you will always remember your husband's affair. It does sound like some sort of rationalization on his part. I suggest marriage counseling and deal with these issues and cut away the cancer in your marriage and start to commit to a happy, productive and faithful marriage once and for all. I wish you luck.

Blonde,
Did you bring the A on yourself? Yes and no. Some may baulk at that but I’ll expand.

Now more directly, did you bring it on by fooling around on a boyfriend before M and by confessing that detail prior to M. No! That sounds to me like an easy answer for him. That is not to say that he doesn’t believe it. A’s are ridiculous, they make no sense and they are often undertaken by people that would not ordinarily find themselves in that position. They are built on lies and deception and often seem to cause extreme guilt and self-loathing in the perpetrator. So much so that the WS will look for any reason to justify the action. In your H’s case he has himself talked into the fact that he had the right to do it because you “kind of” did it to him. Personally, I would not take much stock in that explanation. He may be using it to ease his own suffering and to try and justify it to you.

Now back to the Yes and No. Have you read SAA? It will explain many things about how these things can sneak up on a couple. It will explain that while you never had anything to do with the awful decision to cross the line, you did have a part in creating the environment that led to it.

In my opinion WHY is a bad question. A Why question puts the receiver on the defensive, it implies judgment prior to an answer. It heaps pressure on the receiver to come up with an answer that will make it all seem understandable and justified. Take it from someone who has walked in your shoes, there is no answer on God’s green earth that will make you understand or make it go away. No answer will cause you to pause and think, oh now I get it.

Aside from narcissism, a psychopathic personality, a sexual addiction or some other deep routed problem there is probably not a single answer to the why question. That is not to say you shouldn’t try get to the bottom of it, but “it” is the environment that enabled the A. In most cases the environment holds the why answer. You owe it to your M to dig out what caused the environment that enabled it. Instead of why, try less threatening questions in conversation. Try something like, what could I have been doing to make it so you would never have thought about having an A. Better yet, work toward filling out the emotional needs questionnaire.

It hasn’t even been a month since you found out for sure. I can’t even imagine what that was really like anymore. Remember this takes time, your H is also dealing with many emotions and doesn’t have a grasp on the why’s, what’s, or how’s. Try to focus on tomorrow and what the both of you will do to create a better M.

Finally yes you have the right to be mad. Anger is a needed emotion, and you have the right to be angry and say so. You don’t have the right to act aggressively LB, bite, kick or hit your H.

Read Blondie, read everything you can, His Needs/Her Needs, Surviving and Affair, Torn asunder. Read, learn and understand.

You can do this,

Oz

Hi Blonde, NO I don't think you brought it on all of us have a story of what was going on in our lifes before the A and I bet almost every WS will say it was some how the BS fault. Exuse, excuse, excuse thats what I say since you asked. I believe they feel such guilt that they need to blame someone for what happened so who better than the BS after all if it was are fault wouldn't we have to also take responsability for the A. I will take responsability for the problems in my marriage but not the A. I was not the one who made that decision to cheat he was.

We weren't there when he told you that 'you deserved it' but try to remember what the emotional level of your verbal exchange was at that moment he said it. I say this because when a person gets pushed by another to the point where s/he can't stand hearing the other person yell at him/her accusatorially, s/he looses control and yells back something hurtful to get the other person of his/her back. Does the person who lashed back meant what s/he said? In most cases, probably not, and I suspect that this is probably the case in your situation.

From the link in my signature line: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> ...buy and read “Surviving an Affair”, by Willard Harley, (hereinafter referred to as “SAA”) available at the Bookstore. SAA is THE best book on the market for helping one get to the root of “the message of the affair” (BUT YOU HAVE TO DO THE QUESTIONAIRES!). It (along with the Basic Concepts section of this site) is also helpful for giving you a vision of what a great marriage should look like. The approach of SAA to this problem is that the best defense against affairs is to have a great marriage. My wife said we had a good marriage, but she still had an affair. She was kidding herself, but it was not until we read SAA and saw what a great marriage should look like that we could clearly identify the problem areas and had the tools necessary to fix them.

The phrase “the message of the affair” is from the book “Torn Asunder”, by Carder (hereinafter referred to as “TA”). I personally think this is the best book on affair recovery we have read. [and is great at getting at the non-EN-related "reasons" for an affair] </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You have received some good answers, but you need to do some investigating yourself with the help of these books. Answers vary depending on the individuals. I agree that his explanation sounds like a justification, not a real answer, but it may well be what he really believes. It will take some reading on his part to get a more complete answer. Read those books together. Discuss them. See if the answer changes. One more thing, though: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Unmet EN's do not cause affairs, they cause lousy marriages. If you read Harley thoroughly and carefully, he does not say unmet EN's cause affairs, either, though it is so common a misconception among his readers that I would say he should do some re-writing of his material. Reading SAA, it can be easy to conclude that unmet needs are the reason for affairs. Not so. Affairs are entirely the responsibility of those involved, and the reasons vary.

Our MC worked w/ Bill Harley for 8 years, and one of his biggest dis-agreements w/ Bill was on this very issue, because according to him, in about 40% of men's affairs unmet EN's had very little to do with it. Yes, there were usually unmet EN's in their marriages, because no marriage is perfect. But, having the wife find out about and meet his most important EN's did not stop the affairs from re-kindling or stop the husband from having another. Harley is aware of this, which is why his plan for recovery is a lot more complicated than: 1.) Take the EN questionaire. 2.) Meet your husbands EN's. Our MC said that in his opinion, for that 40%, if the wife had been meeting the husband's top 5 EN's PERFECTLY, the husband still would have had the affair. If you want to learn more, read "The State of Affairs", by Todd Mulliken particularly the chapter on "The Double Life Man".
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

<small>[ June 04, 2003, 09:44 AM: Message edited by: johnh39 ]</small>

Thank you for your responses!!

I guess I'm finally starting to realize that even though he may have tried to justify his actions by comparing them to what I "kind of" did to him, this was not the reason he cheated.

Plain and simple: He cheated because he was horny, she was horny, the risk of getting caught was low, and he wasn't "man" enough to say no to her advances!! Why can't he just come out and say "I'm sorry. I was horny & stupid" At least that would be honest!!

He didn't even know her last name!! It was 3 rounds of sex with someone he barely knew. And I wish he would just admit that he went back (twice) when SHE called HIM because it gave him some sick kind of ego boost!! He can't sit there and tell me that it didn't at least go through his head that "Wow, I must be pretty good if she's calling me again...huh huh" You know what I mean?? I just wish he'd admit it.

He was horny and stupid and got some sick type of ego boost out of being wanted by another woman other than his wife!! THAT'S THE REASON....WHY CAN'T THEY JUST ADMIT IT????

Was he this persistant in having you explain why you had your A?

BA: You may be right, but you may be wrong about "Why?". You won't know for sure until he is honest enough with himself to figure it out, and is willing to tell you. That may never happen. But, I can guarantee that you telling him and insisting he agree will not be productive, even if you are right (and I am not convinced you are right). That doesn't mean you can't come here and vent <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Thanks!!

No...he didn't want to know anything about what I did before we got married.

And no...I have no intention of trying to get him to agree with my reason. All he will tell me is that he wasn't thinking straight. That he was stupid, and he wishes he could take it all back. That he's been trying to justify his actions for the past year, but now realizes there is no justification for what he did.

The problem isn't him blaming me. He says he tried to blame me for the past year, but now doesn't blame me at all. He says he accepts full responsibility for his actions. The problem is me blaming myself. Deep down I do feel like I deserved this...like I had it coming!!

I don't know how to deal with those feelings along with all the anger I feel towards him and what he did!!

Hi Blonde, Just checking in to say Hi and don't be to hard on yourself. Did you visit my thread I think I left you a note on it check it out. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Hi Blonde, thanks for the note how are you today? What seems to be the biggest problem right now his drinking or you think he is having another A? What makes you think he may be having an A? Does he get real drunk when he drinks or does he just have a couple of beers to relax? My H drinks to and I hate it but I have been trying not to nag on it so much however I don't think it is nagging after all he was diagnosed with diabetes in Nov. and it is a health issue for him but he doesn't see it that way. Maybe he is drinking to escape his pain. I am not trying to make exuses for him but I know that is what my H does. He gets to where he can't stand what he did to me and the pain he sees in my eyes so he drinks to try and forget I don't understand it but thats because I am not a drinker if I was maybe it would make sense to me I don't know why don't you ask him? Let him know you want to work together to get through this pain. Get the book SAA it will help you it has really helped me when it comes to how to approach his A and our M. Good luck I'll check in on you later.

He actually came home and said "I want to get drunk." So he had enough beers at home to get started then left for the bar. He came home completely trashed at 11:00.

I don't think he's having an affair. I think he still needs to figure out a way to deal with stress and anger other than getting drunk!! Getting drunk is an escape for him. That way he doesn't have to think about his problems.

Hi Blonde, to try and answer you about the locks.I don't know what it will accomplish, wouldn't he have to have a key so he could get in the house after work and stuff. Maybe there is another answer for what is going on.