I'm not sure what wrong with me my H is having an A he has moved in with the OW and comes to visits our two boys, But while he is here he wants and has sex with me I know I should say NO but when he touches me and kiss just the right spot I fall into his arms. (This has been happening for the last two months that we have been separted.)Then a little while later he out the door to be with her. I have told him that I am sorry for not meeting all his emotion needs and for taking him for granted. That if he would just give us a chance we could work through this I know we can.His reply is always why did it have to come to this. He tells me that I shouldn't be surprise if he shows up on my door step needed a place to live and that only get my heart racing that life in his fog is starting to clear then I talk to the next day and he is in a total different mood Like I'm bothering him and he's the one who called me.I'm having a really hard time on this roller coaster called life. Is there anyone out there that can please tell me what to do or what to say to him ??????

Sounds like he has his cake and eating it too. You are basically giving him what he desires at this time SEX from you and the OW. You need to quit that and either suggest working on the marriage or letting him be. Just my opinion.

as been haveing an ema my self i have discovered that there are a name for what i wanted at the time my ema was going fullswing the cake man, i wanted to eat two different flavors of cake and never be tired of eating them, i came to relise i loved my wife more than the ow and came to mys sences if your h wants and loves you the other flavour of the cake will not be important and he will come to you, but as you see he is eating the cake in two different parties one of the parties should end asap, and he will see which flavor he wants
and that is my opinion

sacamuelas How long did it take you to relies what flavor cake you liked the best??? Thanks for your reply and I know your right I just always give in when he starts with oh you don't want me I guess you found someone else WHO IS HE? I say there is no one and he then flips to oh I guess your going to file for divorce it easy to get one if we aren't having sex.( I'm having a really hard time with the emotion abuse) I have made many changes in my life the last 2 months lost weight, got new clothes, got better job and all I keep tell him is that these changes were made for him, But he believe they were made for someone else. I guess that why we always end up in the bedroom it's my way of letting him know that he's the only one I want or need.but I'm going to try with all my heart to stop, and make him pick a flavor. I love him and I guess this was my way of feeling loved and wanted to But it stops right now. I'm worth more the a roll in the hay. Thank you very much.

my H is having an A he has moved in with the OW and comes to visits our two boys, But while he is here he wants and has sex with me

Dear Dazed:

It looks like your H made his decision of who he wants to be with when he moved in with the OW. You're right the emotional abuse is wrong. He's taking advantage of your emotional state. How about meeting him outside when he visits the the boys? That way he won't be able to steer you in a direction you neither want nor need. Be polite but distant. However, if he wants to move back in and give up the OW, that's a different story. Are you in Plan B? If so, then NO CONTACT.

Bottom line, he's using you to inflate his ego. I wonder if he tells her about this part of the visits with you? Probably not.

My advice is to stand your ground. If it doesn't feel right, don't. Maybe finding out what he's missing will open his eyes to see what a wonderful person you are.

i agree with sab, if he wants to have a talk do it in a public place and do NOT LET HIM manipulate you, you are in control of you own life and the future of your children, if he loves you he will come back soon or later, but there are conditions that you can set prior that return, but as i see he is a cake man, as i was for a brife period of time (one week), what it shocked me was that my children showed sings of stress, and the youngest asked me if i had a girlfriend, and memories from my childhood flod in (my father had a lot of EMA), but in your case i see that your H has moved in with the OW, and you want him back well in my country we have a saying that a woman's private parts have more pull than a 1000 oxes. what i recomend and my opinion is start the procedures for a divorce, it might shock him or not but at list you can find solace in your children they are more valueble than anything, keep me informed if you can

Dear Dazed:

I was thinking about you last night? How are you? Have you seen/been in contact with your H? If so, how did it go? Please let me know.

My husband came to visit our boys last night. I asked him why he wanted to have sex with me if he was in love with her. He told me he is and always will be sexually attracted to me. I asked does she Know your having sex with me he said no it's none of her business what we do and I said oh you really are IN LOVE with her. then he said if I didn't want him to touch me he won't because he knew I was having sex with someone else. I told him no I'm not that kind of person, Then we spent the rest of our time playing games with the boys. My son asked when he was coming home and he said he didn't know. then he told me that he didn't expect me to wait for him and I said good. He asked who I'd been talking to that made me so mouthy I laugh and said no one just learning from life. thanks again to all of you. He'll be down Thursday so please send your strength.

hi:
It seems that he does not want to be back, he has his sex toy with you, and "love" with her, you are not a second class citizen, he choosed you first, you should stop the visitations at your place, and always have them in public or better why do not you drop the children at his place it will give you a breake, that will you give you time to think and to relax, he responsible for the children too, why you have to be the one to be 100% caregiver, also it will give his OW a teaste of what children are and the responsabilities implied too, give you self a break and go for a walk and/or go for a coffe somewhere by yourself. you might have another prespective of your situation with him and you will not have the distraction of the children, in the other hand there is a concern about you is he useing protected sex, with you?? with her?? you know where you have been but you do not know where the OW has been, be safe for yourself sake, and if you still have sex with him use protection and make a big production if he does not like it, good luck and keep us posted.
sacamuelas

i just re-read you massage again, be carefull if you are serving papers for divorce acording to the general law in all states he can file the divorce in the graonds of your adultery, he can not use his adultery in the case, i think he can make a lot of damage to you, (I know you are not haveing an affair) so please be aware of this situation and he is telling everyone what he belives is going on, and if he repeates this so much and people hear it everyone will belived it , so at this point of time all i can say if you are fileing for D, do it asap before he does it, protect yourself, also i wanted to see if you can see my situation it is under 24 years gone in a moment i will apreaciate your imput too.
sacamuelas

acording to the general law in all states he can file the divorce in the graonds of your adultery
Very few states let you use adultery as grounds for divorce. The majority of states are no-fault.

I can prove he''s an adulatory but I have never gone outside our marriage. He is just trying to even the score and make his self feel OK with what he has done and If that putting me down helps him sleep at night that fine but someday he will have to meet his maker and there is NO lying to him, I'm moving on to plan B and stay firm with no contacted as much as I can .but sending my children up there to meet or be around her is total out of the question right now they are to young and will not understand and I don't think they need to know everything right now. thanks all I sure I'll have lots to say later he's coming down and my son has T-ball so we will both be there for that then I will go my seperate way.

I can prove he''s an adulatory
I was commenting to sacamuelas that it makes no difference in most states if he is an adulterer or not..

He is just trying to even the score
What does that mean? What did you do to make him want to even the score?

I'm moving on to plan B and stay firm with no contacted as much as I can
You should not go to Plan B yet. You need to understand Plan A and demonstrate it consistently.

You also need to understand why you would go to Plan B BEFORE you go to Plan B.

<small>[ June 07, 2003, 12:46 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

i just wanted to find out what happened, you have not posted anything for few days, in my case there is xome changes going on mostly in the way i see life, acceptance of what i have done, acceptance of what has happened and the consecuences that have come with all this problems, i have follow some of the replays but mostly i have an iner talk and i have been thinking on your problem, and mine there are some similiraties on both, but have you asked what happened with your rekationship with him, is a hard question but the only person can respond is you, another question for you to ask is you still want to spend your time and efort for a person you might love, you have to ask too it is worth life together because of the children???, for what i have senced you are a good person and that no one can take it away from you, and your happines and of your children is most important, put all those feeling in a scale and see where the balance point to, try to detach your self from the situation and see from another angle and it might be an answer there.
sacamuelas

I done trying I'm moving on with my life My children will be meet my H's girlfriend this Sunday. They are going to spend the day. the Last week has been Hell and I can't take it any more. He came down here Thursday in a mood and yelled and screamed about everything from bills to the children and then refused to leave when I asked. He told me that he was going to stop paying bills and then he even went as far to say that when he took the children to his house to meet the other W maybe he won't bring them back (like he or her want the responsibility of raising two small children that would cramp there life) I can't take the bulling any more the boys and I went to the beach on Saturday with his family and he called several times screaming that we needed to get home that the boys didn't need to be down there all day. They needed to sleep in there own beds.( well then I guess they can't spend the weekend with him and her because she only has a one bedroom so where will they sleep) But I know now that I have to say enough is enough. He is where he wants to be but he can't control what happens here anymore. So I'm moving on I have called Legal Aid and awaiting there call so that money and My home will not be held over my head ever time I don't do as I'm told to by him. Thanks you all for all your help.

Is to bad that a relationship, the honesty the careing and the love has been breached, and the consequences that come with the outcomes, it seems that you are in a second stage of self discovery, just remember that you are a good person and are worth you sanity in gold, you have to realy brace for the worst as you have seen what can happend now that you have taken the desition to go in your way, and belive me it will be hard, just remember that you need also support from your family and friends, hope you can come out of this in better shape than me just remember there will be someone who will see you as a good person, and exelent mother
i whish you the best and that your road will have happiness and peace, please keep us posted.
sacamuelas

hi just want to know how are things with you and if there are any changes, in my case i have discovered that the OM is doing damage in and around my family, there are reasons now for me to take legal action against him, but wife does not want anything to do with him (ahe still defending him) so there is an inpass in this chess game.
sacamuelas

The only change is that my two boys met the OW this past Sunday on the visits to dad's and I was told that the spent more time with her then with Dad. She is a piece of work she told my 5 yrs old that the only reason I couldn't come was because I was Jealous of her so I got to explain to my son what jealous meant. Then she showed my boys a picture of her and there dad and told them it was from a long long time ago so my 8yr old was confused because dad's only been gone two months I told him to ask his dad.I called to check on the boys since my 5 yrs old didn't want to go and I was question about where I was who I was with and I simple told him it was none of his business so he had the kids call me later that day and question me (I was told this by my boys why does dad want to know where you are) So now that I don't keep him informed of my where about I 'm playing games. Now he want me to bring the boys to his brothers house for the 4th and I said no she going to be there we will go somewhere else. I was told that It's not fair they should be with there parents on holiday yes they should and she not one so pick well we all know who he pick and it's not his kids. I just don't understand if he is there and wants to be there and is so happy what does it matter what I do and who I do it with. Why does he have to come down here or call the boys and question them about where, when and who they have been around? Ps He keeps asking for sex but I said and will continue to say no so I guess Time does make us stronger.

just keep your self high, there are some punches that he will try and i can tell you he will show up in middle of the nght soon or later he is a cake man and is jelouse aof who might be eating the other portion, so just keep your nose clean and be ready for the worst and about her, well she does not know that he is a cake man she will be treated the sameway he is treated you but that is going to hirt her more good luck

sacamuelas I would really like to thank you very much for helping me deal with all this you have really made me feel better day to day. Right now The only family I am close to is his built my world around him and just found out that my best friend / sister in law is going to meet her to night for dinner so that the OW won't feel so uncomfortable when she mets the whole family on the 4th isn't that nice we won't want her to feel uncomfortable, So thanks again for all you kind words because if I was to hear one more time get on with your life he's made his choice I think I would scream I invested 15 yrs. Into this life and I'm trying very hard to move on but it does take time.special when you are still IN LOVE with the one that is hurting you.