My ws is informing me that once I get a job he is moving out to "think things through". He needs space. He swears there is no ow, but he's lying. I've found too much small evidence here and there(which he just denies). Erasing all cell phone call lists, changing last number called on speed dial, dialing our home from home with cell when I'm goneto cover *69 , bottle of cologne just shows up after his 40th b-day(which he tries to say he bought himself but just can't remember where).

What is the diference between divorce and legal separation. If he moves out, do I need it done legally to protect myself while he's "figuring things out"? We have two children ages 2 and 4. I had a really good job prior to us deciding for me to be a SAHM.. So, an attorney already told me if we do divorce, I get no alimony. But I never asked about legal separation- why and when you use it, etc.. What does a legal separation do for me, us? Thank you.
2bm

he is moving out to "think things through". He needs space. He swears there is no ow, but he's lying.
And the reason he is moving out is to make it much easier (re: you aren;t around to bust him) for them to get together.

I know Chris.. I've been riding him hard lately since the cologne incident. I complained about being on IM at night- which has stopped. I complained about being gone on the weekend - which has stopped. I said - fine- if nothing going on- then act like it. Stop puting insecurities into our m. But I know they have still talked on the phone at least once when I was gone(*69). And I'm sure he emails her at work and IM with her at work.

I'm sure the ow is complaining mightily..this is why the "I need to move". Pressure coming from both sides. So it will turn into plan B once I get a job- and the move is on- letter will be given.

But do I need a legal separation when he moves out and if yes, why?

A legal separation states what you get. Alimony, support, child support, house payments, etc.

It also insures that you are will not be held leagally responsible for anything he does & vice-versa.

So it will turn into plan B once I get a job- and the move is on- letter will be given.
Please post the letter here BEFORE you send it.

Any thought about counseling with Steve or Jenn Harley (1-888-639-1639)?

So sorry you're going through this, it's very painful.

I don't know what state you live in (I'm in Ohio), the laws are different wherever you go.

As I understand it, and I may be wrong, a legal separation is essentially a divorce.

Child support and financial issues are addressed and settled. Property is divided, etc. There's not much difference between the two.

It costs about the same amount of money as well and I'm sure hurts just as bad.

Best of luck.

Thanks for the quick responses!!

Chris- I have thought about the counseling. I guess I'm feeling what good will it do when he absolutely refuses to:
a. admit current affair (has admited to 2 past affairs that were in other states while traveling)
b. will not pick up a book(I have SAA, HNHN, etc..)
c. Read this website
d. go to counselling.
He's still in full denial to me about the current affair. He just thinks that he's "fallen out of love with me, etc..." Everything you have read here that the WS usually says..

He is not willing at this point to put anything into the marriage. Maybe I'm wrong- maybe counseling with the Harley would help- but I'm not sure how- and with money going to be very tight very soon once he moves- should I be spending that money now??

In legal separation.. like the house we are living in now- does it just "protect it".. keep it in both of our names etc?? I just hate paying for legal separation if 6 months later- have to also pay for a divorce...

Getting better

- agree- it's just going to plain hurt no matter what. I love him with all my heart- and our poor kids. They love their dad. They sit on the steps and cry somedays when he's just going to work.. My heart is just breaking <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Do you have an attorney?

Laws do differ from state to state.

I did not want my D and did everything in my power to avoid it. I hate divorce. It happened nevertheless, but I did everything I could to stall, avoid, etc.

One thing I learned..you must get a lawyer. You must protect yourself and your children, for your future. I know it hurts. I know it really stinks. I cried the first time I saw the attorney.

But get an attorney. At least consult with a few. It's usually free for an initial consultation.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

oh this I know something about.
as I was a stay at home mom.

lawyer will take this to a judge immediatley for your protection so you and children get to remain in the home..
___________
go to a lawyer tell them you want a

tell her you are an agreed stay at home mom and are unemployed he should put you through training of somekind if you need it.(you would have done this if you did not have any skills.
but for now you NEED this order it is very important to get...
a lawyer will charge you a fee of $150.00 an hour and they charge for phone calls and things they do if it runs over your fee you gave them.
just remember this is your FUTURE AND CHILDRENS LIFE.ask for alot here and then be happy what you got..sometimes you won'/t get it all..but do this first...it is a start for being taken care of now.
----------------------------------------------
TEMPORARY COURT ORDER

(this will protect you)

1.you want to remain in the home with the children.

for him to be responsible for all the bills as he has been paying historically.

groceries
utilities
gas
lights
car payment
garbage
house payment
insurance
medical.
miscellanious (toilet paper pens paper that stuff.

everything he has been responsible he will continue to have to be responsible..the judge will
ORDER IT..till the divorce..
if he files for divorce basically this will work to then you divide assets or however it is set up in your state.if he files for divorce he should be held responsible for the lawyer fees..

you might have to go after him for that separatly but usually get it..I didn't bother.

this will cost you some money up front I paid $1000.00 retainer for this part and it was worth it considering not having to worry about house payment and where I was going to live, as he was in the process of doing the same thing to me.only someone at the courthouse allerted a friend of mine and I beat him to it..so I got to stay here.

if you have children the judge will let you stay there..( I guess you could let him stay there too that would be up to you. but you can make a clause in the papers but really think about if you want him there. it would be better to get him out and do a plan:)

Well good luck don't forget the medical and dental

GET TO A LAWYER make an appt tomorrow or thurs don't wait.

do this then ask the lawyer about monies in both of your names it is only a matter of time he will take it all out of the bank..it happens to all of us we go to get money and there isn't any.
or we write a check and no funds.
is humiliating..

don't wait for these things to happen to you
plan ahead.

I had a book I read that had alot of these things listed in them, I thought mine would NEVER do these terrible things to me..he did alot worse.
he made me out to be a monster, it was so sad.
I was so hurt, just protect you and the children.

also if you have one car..and you need transportation..after you get this temporary
court order through..then if your sharing the car truck whatever..tell the lawyer you need a vehicle the judge will order him to get you economical transportation..so you will have something to get to doctor apts, groceries, take kids to their things and places you NEED to go as always..
ok. take care and get busy...Keep on keeping on..
oh this is called spousal maintnance.
I had to edit to add spousal maintnance...sentence.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<small>[ June 04, 2003, 02:38 AM: Message edited by: SadEyes ]</small>

2BM. So SNOOP, for pete's sake! Get a voice-activated recorder.

I think I need to hire Pete!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I've tried John.. He gets smoother and smoother. Voice activated recorder where? We have cordless phone and the t.v. always on which would keep it triggered and he only now calls from home once a month-maybe? Since I informed him "our" phone isn't for talking to the ow. His cell phone is the main contact. I thought about recorder in his pickup- but where to hide with all the road noise.. under seat? But road noise always activating it.. How long is the tape??

His cell phone is a work phone. I thought about getting phone records. I can't cut off my nose right now with little kids. What if he's fired for personal use of cell phone? I need the paycheck at this moment in time. Just applied for 2 more jobs- at some point I won't- but right now I do.

He rarely uses home computer to conact her anymore.. He uses a private hotmail account at work. I am thinking about downloading snoopware for those rare instances. I want to do this when he's out of town for a few days so I have time to figure it out- work on it(with little kids, I only have limited time to concentrate on things like this) .

Private investigator. I've hired many of them in the job I used to have. Watched a many a films. I know many of them will work for me. But not pro-bono. I know he's having the affair- what will it change seeing the pictures?

I rummage through his pickup- I go through his clothes with a fine tooth comb, I go through his suitcase from every trip, I go through his duffle bag from work. I look at his cellphone(which he erases all phone list in and out). And the ow doesn't leave messages for him anymore at night- so nothing sitting on the phone through the night.

I try John.. I do!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />