It's been 5 years since my H admitted his infidelity, I still feel things are not settled. I know he had lied about details of the affair, never cleared them up. Thing is, as far as he is concerned, it never happened, I live with it every day, some days are worse than others. I don't trust or feel the same as I did about him before. I have decided that all men are dogs and cannot control themselves when it comes to sex, and that's just the way it is. I have AIDS tests every year, since AIDS can lie dormant for 10 years. Each test is another reminder of what happened. I still feel he just told me to relieve his own guilt, put it all on my shoulders and release his own. I feel like the "Getting it out in the open" isn't finished, but it's been way too long to bring it up again. Besides, he will only say what he has always said, " Why do you have to keep bringing it up, reliving the past?"
Any ideas here? I am really getting tired of this.

Once trust is broken in a marriage......thats it....things are never the same. You can push the affair to the side, but thinking about it will never go away. It sucks that people have to live with what their wayward spouse did for the rest of THEIR lives. Its not fair. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

<small>[ June 04, 2003, 09:38 AM: Message edited by: ITSOVER ]</small>

It's only been 4 weeks since I found out about my H's A, but I still know how you feel.

His A happened over a year ago, so he feels like we should just be able to close the door on it and move on. Meanwhile, I'm still reeling from the pain.

At this moment, I also feel like all men (if given the opportunity) will cheat. Right now I'm convinced of it. I'm hoping that will change over time. I'm hoping I will learn to trust not only my H, but men in general again. Right now the only person I trust is myself.

I know this probably wasn't much help, but I wanted to let you know that you're not alone!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have decided that all men are dogs and cannot control themselves when it comes to sex</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I also feel like all men (if given the opportunity) will cheat. Right now I'm convinced of it. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I too felt that way about women when I discovered my X had multiple A's. And more so when I talked to other married men whose W's also cheated on them. Does this mean all women are dogs? NO, otherwise I would not have met my present wife.

<small>[ June 04, 2003, 07:15 PM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

Well, when my hubby and I married, I felt he was the one I'd been looking for all along, so since HE let me down, then, yes, I feel all men are dogs. This is my second marriage and my first husband cheated too, thing is, this one REALLY hurt, coz I was in love.

Also, thanks to everyone for all teh input, I really appreciate getting other points of view, helps me think in a wider range.

5 years? WHY you suffer yourself for so long??

saying that allmen are dogs is the same as saying tht all women are *****es, because men cheat on us with women, and those women cheat on their men
ei. it's wrong

you just weren't lucky

or: change you criterions when choosing a man for you

I to am a BS , so please do not think I do not feel the pain as you speak of it .

BUT I have a question for you . 5 years , is he remorseful? , has he should the changes?
Have you both worked on PRE-A issues ?

If so and all are yes , and I don't know the answers yet , but if so then I would say it is time that , YOU try to understand recovering is letting go alittle at a time on your part .

I understand about the trust and he does have to earn that , also the triggers .

BUT if he has showed remorse and is showing you he loves you then return that love . Baby steps at a time . Step back and really look at his actions if he calls to let you know where he is , sound more like you see that as a nice thing that he is doing to satisfy your nervesness .

I don't know as to if I have the hole story so sorry if this advice does not fit to what you are going through .

Its been 2.5 years since my w affair. about 1.5 years since I found out. There was lots of lies,I had to push hard for months to get the entire story. I STILL DON'T KNOW IF i HAVE THE ENTIRE STORY. She has been remorsful,and working hard to restore trust and our marriage.Like you I suffer every day.

I have tried as well. We have three children and been married over 15 years.As much as I try I don't feel I will ever love or trust her again. Not only for the A but also all the lies and deceit.

I get many of the same comments about bring up the past ect. Well so many things will trigger a bad memory. It seems impossible to escape.
So I know how you feel !

When I read your title I was hoping you had good news about how you recovered. Sorry that things are not working out.

If you or anybody can offer help I will gladly listen. I will stay with her for the kids sake. But like you it is very hard and I still get mad. The whole mess really makes me tired.

Walitys

Yes, that's how I feel, it isn't so much all the time, it's when stuff triggers the memories. Like the AIDS tests and sometimes I will just think of it out of the blue. I have started working out again, which is good, but the gym is where he got together with the OW. So when I am heading out to the gym, those thoughts are there, can't help it. Yes, he calls when he's running late from work, or if he goes to the gym afterwards, but the feelings are still there. It does help to talk about it too, instead of people asking why do I stay. I have worked very hard for alot of years for what I have.
We are on the same schedule now, back then, I was on nights, he was on days. I have made changes too, I have since quit that job and got one so I work during the day. I know I still love him, but not like before. I won't get caught up in that again, hurts too bad when something happens.
But you hit it on the head with what you said. It's hard, and that kinda trust doesn't grow on trees, I take it quite seriously, maybe too seriously. I have never been unfaithful to even a boyfriend when I was in school. I don't think it's too much to expect the same in return. It's easy, if you can't control yourself, leave home. Then be honest, at least, enough for your spouse to be tested. I don't know this OW, I have no idea what kind of lifestyle she had. So those tests are important.
Well, not gonna ramble on again. Thanks for listening!

I also feel like I should be further along since my H's affair was so long ago. It happened 8 years ago, but I only found out the truth 2 years ago. Right around the time I found out, I lost my job of 14 years, had an accident and ended up in the hospital and found out I was pregnant. I was happy to be pregnant. My baby is now a year old and for some reason this week I feel like the pain is worse than ever. I think because of the pregnancy and being busy with her, I must have pushed some of it aside. Now it's back and I am very depressed this week.

And feeling guilty for being depressed since I have a beautiful daughter whom I love to pieces. I am even thinking I'm going to have to consider going back on medication since I'm not sleeping, not hungry, etc.

I wish it were easier. That we could just be 'all better.' But the double betrayal involved my former friend and that was never resolved. She has since moved away. Just the other day a mutual friend told me how she (OW) is doing. And I feel sad to say that I was not happy to hear how wonderful her life is now. I guess I'm pretty immature. I forgive her, but it would help me so much if she admitted the truth or apologized. It makes me so angry that I have wasted so much time hurting over her, and she probably doesn't ever even think about me.

I wish you peace and healing

Maggie,

Gosh, you seem like such a sweet lady. I always think of other people's feelings before I act on anything, I always knew I did right by others, and wonder why such a thing was allowed to happen to me. I think the healing would be easier if I knew he wasn't being deceitful since the A. No, I don't think he's seeing anyone else, ( course you could have knocked me over with a feather when I found out about it 5 years ago) It's little things that have been popping up in the past years that have me concerned. This last discovery has made me think back to what I have just brushed under the carpet. Before the A, there were 900 calls on my phone bill. His brother is a very evil person and at that time, he had been living with us because he was divorcing. I honestly thought he made them, called the phone company and asked that they be taken off. Then, after the affair, there were XXX movies on my DirecTv bill, once again, I brushed them off, called DTV. Then later, a Jerry Springer thing, said he'd ordered it by mistake. His brother was here last August for a day and night, stayed here. When I was cleaning I found a box under the matress in the spare room. It was a box to an exotic toy for men. Once again, I blamed it on his brother. Just so happens, 2 weeks ago, I find this thing under my bed on his side. I don't care that he has it, it's the deceit behind it. Not to mention some of the internet stuff I have found on the PC. I had gotten up one night and found him ogling over another womans picture on the screen. After the internet thing, I tore up all the pictures of me that I had made for him ( a calendar like guys like to buy)He's never even asked about them. This stuff is hurtful, to say the least.

Maggie, I wish good stuff for you too. Thanks for your thoughts. I don't blame you, I wouldn't care how the OW was doing either. I do believe that what comes around, goes around, eventually. Keep in touch, I hope I can help you too. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />