I am a recent poster who found out a month ago my H had an Affair, and a couple of weeks back, that "he is no longer in love"...

Several very helpful responses and four counseling sessions later (2 marriage, 2 for me), I feel much better.... at least I am able to function day to day and smile occassionally..

However, today's counseling session left me perplexed (just mine, not marriage)...Do I need to see someone else or is her advice sound...After 10 minutes she asked about how I was plannig for a divorce?? finances etc... when I noted I wasn't..that I was interested in taking care of myself, and focusing on my needs and not being a dormat..However, I want to save this marriage...and my husband does as well (at least he is saying he wants to save our marriage and his action support his effort ended the affair, contact and joining me for marriage counseling, not seeing anyone independantly)..
I left feeling sad and anxious about the future, not hopeful..is this a common counseling approached... I don't want to know the trade secrets.. just if this is a bad fit? She told me H's affair came about because he 1) had given up all his morality and ethics for a quick fix because he is having some very serious mental crisis (in which case he needs to be agressively seeking assistance and if he isn't I should leave) or 2) he is just an out an out jerk (and I should call it quits)..

I know you all don't know the dirty details.. but for the record my husband is not abusive, not addicted to anything, and I have in our lives together found him to generally be a good kind hearted person..I do think he falls in to number 1 above..and that there is something in his life that only he can fix.. and the affair and resulting impact on our marriage is just a symptom and not the cause..but I am willing to give him some time... but at the same time, I do not want to lose myself.

When do you walk away..when do you stay?

Sue, sorry you had a need to find out about this web site.

Most folks are going to want to know a little more about you and your situation. How long have you been married, do you have kids, has this happened before etc.

But with all that said, I think most of us would NOT agree with what you were told. Many, many marriages have been brought back together and many are even stronger now because of what has happened.

So my first thoughts are you and your H made a commitment to each other when you got married, your H made a mistake, but wants to work on the marriage. It takes courage to come back and say let's work this out. It is not easy. The easy way is to leave.

Continue reading through this web-site, you will find and learn some wonderful ideas. Go out and get some books to read. His Needs Her Needs will help you to identify where you may not have been meeting some of your H's needs. Let your H read the book also; it will help him understand how he can work to met your needs.

Torn Asunder is another good book, and so is Surviving an Affair.

Finally find a new counselor, one that believes in marriage.

Praying for you.

Dear Sue,

Hang in there! It really does get better. At the 5 month recovery mark I feel pretty good except when I'm PMSing!

You need a new counselor. Interview them before you sign on. Find out if there is any sort of program in your city for transformational therapy instead of behavioral. It's good. Our's introduced us to the Enneagram Personality Assessment and it's been a powerful tool for us! They also use Gestalt and Imago therapy and it's been great. We actually found these two counselors through a not for profit place in our city. We have only had to donate a minimum of $15 for IC and $23 for MC. It's been amazing. Our MC just got his masters so now we are paying him $45....amazingly inexpensive for an hour and a half of counseling.

I hope that you can find a good one. Ours are in Colorado.

Stillwed

This is so sad and so common. Click on the link in my signature line and read the section about counselors, including the imbedded links. There is some good advice there about how to find a counselor that will help you get to a great marriage, instead of divorce.

As you can see...we're all going to agree that your counselor is NOT pro-marriage...she is seeking the easy way out...divorce. Too often marriage counselors see themselves as divorce counselors and do NOT wish to put in the time and effort needed to save a marriage.

From what little you posted, it appears that she is judgemental and has already jumped to the idea that your H is "all wrong", "a jerk", etc...and in her attempt to PUSH you in her choosen path (divorce) is putting upon your shoulders the "I'll be a fool for staying with him"...which is WRONG!

This counselor has seen your H only twice...and you four times. She shouldn't have much more then background information to date...not nearly enough information to tell you that your H is a "jerk" or that you need to get a divorce. A counselor should NEVER tell you what you "should do" or "must do"...they are there to guide you to self-discovery and point out options you may have missed. They should be teaching skills to help better your communication, problem solving. She should be giving you a list of books to read, or "homework" to do (such as listing positives and negatives, or resentment issues, etc.).

Now I'm not going to say to dump this counselor YET...it's possible that you can save the time and effort already invested. In your next session you may want to be aggressive...explain that you are NOT interested in divorce, you are NOT interested in being judged or having your spouse judged, you want to SAVE your marriage and you want their help in accomplishing that goal. If they are uncomfortable fullfilling YOUR needs, then tell them you will be seeking out a new counselor and to please foward all notes of your sessions when contacted by whoever else you find.

A good counselor is worth their weight in gold, a bad one is worse then no counselor at all. This is a very important resource in rebuilding our marriages, interview the counselor...discover their normal counseling style and make it very clear that self-discovery and pro-marriage is what you want to accomplish.

Good Luck!!!