My wife and I have been separated for about 2 months. During this time she met a man and fell for him hard. They have had sex, but she has told him that that will not happen again until we divorce, if we divorce. She is still calling him and is even going to see him. Oh, by the way, she moved back home about a week ago. She says that she is trying to decide which way she will go. I am getting frustrated because I have every desire to work this out and be happy with her for the rest of our lives. We are in our mid 30's and have been married for 18 years. this is the first infidelity for either of us. Can I do anything to help her decide to stay with me????? HELP!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

BigDan sorry that your going through this. All you can do now is show her how much you love her and follow the principles of Plan A decribed on this website. Do you have any children? What led her to do this?
Hang in there and keep posting there are some people here that will help you out. Be strong

Carl

Do the emotional needs questionaire together, and work the H*LL out of Plan A. Don't expet too much in return for awhile. My WH still doesn't understand the importance of my top needs (honesty and communication). He prefers selective truth and conversation. I've been at Plan A for 17 months, and it's still frustrating, but if you're not willing to give up, what else can you do? I don't mean to discourage you. At least if she admits there's still contact, you know for sure what you're dealing with. The alternative (not knowing if spouse is lying) is maddening! The fact that you're here tells me there's hope, and I hope she's receptive. Bless you.

Dan,

You have choices here. Before you can get to the stage of recovery the A has to be over and all contact has to stop. Affairs eventually die, but in waiting for that to happen your love for your W may also die.

Choice 1, start your plan A, read everything you can about how to do that here and in the books, wait and hope the A die's a natural death.

Choice 2, Start your Plan A today...…same as above, and expose the A to the light of day, if the OM is married tell his wife. Exposed A’s tend to die faster.

Either way you are in control of this situation now, you have the knowledge and you have the control, never think otherwise. Aliens abducted your W and she is no longer thinking straight.

Before doing anything read all the information on this sight and get yourself a game plan.

You can do this Dan and your not alone,

Oz

After I got off work yesterday I had a doctor's appointment, he put me on Paxil for the depression that I am experiencing. I left there and went to get my son from his grandparents, on the way I stopped and talked to my wife. She had divorce papers filled out and says that she is not willing to end the affair, I was not meeting her need for the past 18 years and she is afraid that I will continue or return to not meeting her needs. She says that she could never forget that I hurt her by viewing porn while I was supposed to be a preacher.

<small>[ June 05, 2003, 11:27 AM: Message edited by: bigdan ]</small>

Click on the link in my signature line. My wife thought the same thing: "You cannot meet my needs." She was SO wrong... The one thing you have in your favor is that it is unlikely he can meet her needs, either, so the affair is likely to die. They almost all do. Something less than 3% of affair partners get married and stay married even 5 years. You can learn to meet her needs. He cannot learn to be your children's father.

<small>[ June 05, 2003, 10:48 AM: Message edited by: johnh39 ]</small>

Thanks John39, I read your info even before I posted anything. In fact, you are the reason that I even posted anything at all. She is moving out, she will not let me even try to meet her needs. The way I found out about all this is that a counselor gave us the book "His needs, Her needs". You talk about open my eyes, I thought I was doing a good job, in fact I bragged about how good our marriage was. Boy was I wrong.

Well, I guess it is Plan A for you for now. And pray. Sounds like your counselor has a few things on the ball. One angle that MAY work... I repeat MAY is to ask her to give you 1 year to try to change. (actually, 6 months should be enough, but start with an extreme negotiating position, and go from there). BUT!! She has to cut ALL contact with the OM for that year. If she breaks it and contacts him, the time starts over. Ask her to do it for her kids, if not for you. Say if they are really in love, he will be there for her at the end of the year, won't he? In fact, he will respect her for making an effort to do everything she can to save her marriage, instead of jsut walking away, right? If he really oves and respects her... She would want him to do the same thing, right? This can backfire, as she can just tough out the year in withdrawal and say "See?", but I think you have to make a condition that you spend 15 hours/wk together doing the Harley Plan. She has to really try, not just show up. I don't know if you can sell it, but it is worth a try.

You should not accept her back in your home if she is still in contact with the affair partner. Plan A under these conditions will not work. Negotiate with her to work with you on rebuilding the marriage but only if there is no contact with the OM for the next 6 months. If at the end of this period there is no progress the marriage will be ended. If she doesn't agree to this than you know that she has no intention of saving this marriage but wants to keep you on the sideline just in case her relationship with the OM fails.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She says that she could never forget that I hurt her by viewing porn while I was supposed to be a preacher.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So she turns around and does the real thing? Doesn't she know that an A is very much like porno, in that it's all based on lies and deception? Oh well, trying to reason with a fogged WS is like trying to reason with a vegetable. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Hey guys, I am really, really new to this posting thing and I do not know what all the abbreviations mean, is there a place to learn all that stuff or do I just try to figure it out????