We are putting this behind us and moving on to what we both hope will be a better and happier future for us both.

<small>[ July 09, 2003, 10:11 PM: Message edited by: southofdixie321 ]</small>

In my opinion you should ask all the questions and receive all the answers you need. Period! But there is a right way and a wrong way to go about asking this information. Have you read “Surviving an Affair or “Torn Asunder” yet? You’re not foolish, your trust has been shattered and ignoring the situation won’t make it go away. Most WS’s try that route.

Just a side note: I would never recommend thinking of a divorce; the two of you have no doubt been through many wonderful things in 39 years, far to many to give up. But do you realize and better yet does he realize that most courts have a thing called alimony, which typically is weighted in the direction of the BS in an amount equal to letting you live in the (lifestyle you’ve become accustomed too) Obviously you can’t replace the emotional content but you seem to be worried financially so I thought I’d point that out.

The questions you need answered are the questions you need answered. Each of us have different areas which we want to discover.

It is wise to really look at your questions...maybe write them down first, think and reflect on them before asking. Often we are not so much looking for the details as we are looking for honesty. Asking questions which are both painful for us to hear and for our WS to tell tend to be a rulebar we measure with.

It's also not a bad idea to be willing to give him your questions written down, instead of verbally. Then allow him some time for reflection before answering. Explain that you want only the truth...honesty, with kindness. Be willing to hear the truth without hitting the ceiling!!!! If you can't do this, he'll be less likely to be open the next time. So prepare yourself.

If after reflection we really still need to know the answer...then our WS need to accept that it is something we need for our own healing. But beware...asking for details often only give us added "triggers" to face later on during healing. So be sure that the question needing answers are ones which will benefit your healing, not delay it.

Getting the WS to understand that honesty is the most powerful weapon he has at hand is never easy. They often falsly believe that they are protecting the WS from further pain by either down right lies or omissions. They are also covering their own butts from dealing with our pain and anger. So be patient somewhat...this is a lesson which will take some time for him to understand and accept.

Considering the fact that your H felt safe enough in your marriage to come tell you about his affair....I think you've got a great chance of putting the pieces back together. Few WS will come face to face with not only their spouse but with themselves.

It's likely that his affair was exactly what he told you...ego stroking from a younger woman when he was beginning to doubt his manhood. Very little to none emotional attachment. It's also likely that while at first it gave him the illusion of youth...the illusion would not have lasted.

As for the issues of not showing affection. You've dealt with this for 47 years (btw...congrats)...and it's unlikely that you'll be able to get much change. BUT...you can try. See if he is willing to set aside a certain amount of time each day to really TALK to you. To talk about your goals, your feelings, you committment to each other. Maybe a small amount of time to begin with, and you'll be able to lead him towards a longer time as the days go by. (btw...do NOT bring up affair issues during this time period...this is to be positive if at all possible.)

Good Luck!

Hello southofdixie, and welcome to MB. My heart broke when I read your story I am so sorry you are going through this I never would have imagine that this kind of thing still goes on in marriages as long as yours or at your age(not that your old I'm a firm believer you are as old as you feel)But you wonder why now after all this time? I have been married 26 years and trying to figure this all out. Like you I am full of questions but my H does not want to answer them anymore he says its over I'm sorry forget it lets go on. To a point I know that he is right but I still have pain I have visons of him with her and I feel like I was about to be abandend after giving this man my life. I have started to read SAA and it is helping me deal with the whole issue of affairs I would recomend you get the book it may help. It has also helped me to post on this website because we all understand your pain and no one tells you don't hurt get over it. Good luck I will check in with you to see how things are going. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />