hi It has been a long road since finding out in september it has been close to a year and I still am uncomfortable. I have been trying real hard not to talk about the affair but Fridays are very hard for me. I know that he will probablly see her at the gym when he goes to work out. SHe is off on Fridays and he can leave work at anytime because it is his own business. So why work on Fridays. I hate that he goes at the same time but feel if I ask him not too it will just cause another argument. Also If i ask him not too who says he can't anyways even if he says he won't I would never find out anyways. He says he came home because he wants to try and that was the first step. He was been home 7 weeks and I have talked about it everyday. I started Tuesday and have been doing good. I got a journal and write in that when I feel the need to talk. I have to start somewhere and I guess that is a start. I can't see life with out him in my life and the kids would be crushed if we divorced it scares the **** out of me. I want to get stronger but am having a very hard time. I have depended on him for so much in my life we have been with each other for 20 years and married for 13. Life was I thought ok but I think we may have been with each other for support for most of our relationship and now that we are both older him 43 and me 40 he doesn't need me so much and it is hard. We get along ok we just have a hard time talking about just bull**** like casual talk. I always have a blank mind. And the other woman and he have that in their relationship and he has told me " the genuinely got along " I know we probablly never had that and I don't know how to get that in a relationship. I have gone to counseling and she is trying to help me. I have no interests in life except my husband and family and I think that is my problem. We don't do things unless he plans them and if I try to now he takes it the wrong way. He feel obligated even if he may not want to do anything and it makes him uncomfortable. I need some input from anyone that has the same problem i do Please give me any ideas I need all I can get.

<small>[ November 19, 2003, 10:59 AM: Message edited by: want2shine ]</small>

Thanks for your input we do not have any problems with love making. We just have a problem with just having casual conversation with each other. Why I do not know that is why I say that my mind is always blank like I don't know what to talk about. it is hard for me but has been for years. He did tell me today that she does not go to the gym anymore because her husband doesn't want her to. That made me feel good. My other problem is that our children are very good friends and the womans husband coaches my daughter for travel softball which has started We will be out of town with them for the entire summer on weekends I am not looking forward to that at all and don't know how to handle it. A few months ago we discussed getting separate hotels but them our daughter would be away from the team. Then we were going to have her stay with another family but that didn't go either. The other womans husband is a real hot head and wwe didn't want to take her off the team and make it ok for him. Why should be punish our daughter for something she had nothing to do with. She lives for the summer and when we spoke to her about taking her off the team she was in tears instantly. It is also hard for me because my daughter gets along with this woman. I hate that. But my daughter said mom she did nothing to me she is only 12. She doesn't understand yet. She does what happened but doesn't totally understand. thanks for replying

Hmmm... It sounds like you two need to figure out some recreational activities that you both can enjoy together.

What if you both wrote a list of activities or things you really want to do. Then, combine your lists and rate each activity from 1-4, 1 being the thing you really would like to do or see or a place you really would like to go. Then put them in order and start doing the things you both chose as number 1's.

At least it is a start to get you two talking about something other than the things that trigger unpleasant memories?

It sounds like your husband was getting his emotional need for recreational companionship met by the xOW. Now, you need to take that spot! Good luck! You can do it!

I think the more you concentrate on meeting his need in this area, the more the xOW will shrink regardless if you guys still have to see her weekly.

THanks for the advice I don't think he will do that list he is very difficult to talk to he will think of that as something weird and not right. Like something from a counselar but that doesn't mean I can't try to do it on my own and maybe I can start to mention other things. We have never had that easy going kind of relationship. He is shovenistic SP? Even his family says he is hard to talk to. But that is the man I married and I knew that back then. It does sound like you are right. We need to be comfortable around each other so he is comfortable to ask me to do things or I am with him. And not just be bored with each others company. I don't have alot of interests and the town we live in has nothing to go except bars and bowling alleys. Not conducive to things to do. I hope to get stronger. Keep in touch it helps to have input and I need all I can get. I don't know how to do the buddy list so I can talk to individuals on my topic. Any help would be nice thanks again

Hi...I'm here if you need to talk.

I just found out about H's A 4 weeks ago. It's still very fresh in my mind, and it's very hard not to think about it. But H's leaving Wednesday night and getting drunk helped take my mind off it for a while, that's for sure!!

I truly believe he does not want to cheat on me again (now that he knows I wasn't having an affair), but I don't believe that he wants to stop going out without me. He promised that we would never go out without each other, and he already broke that promise. I know that not getting that promotion was hard on him, but it wasn't a good enough reason to go out and leave me at home alone!!

Now I just keep waiting for it to happen again.

My h was like that early in our marriage would leave work go out and not come home until the bars close I was in your shoes. he got into drugs also and he finally hit rock bottom called me one day at work told me he maxed a credit card for drinking and drugs. this was before marriage. It was hard but we did get through it. I hope he can too. I went to alanon. it did help I was embarrassed. Didn't talk at the meeting but it helped anyway. Try it.

Vomit, I'm sure we are alot alike. My H and I have a hard time talking too and what is funny about that is we are both talkers. My H would talk to a wall if he thought it would answer him back once in awhile. There are a few books if you don't have them that will help one is SAA I am just finishing that one up and I have ordered torn asunder and I will be ordering his needs her needs they say that,tht one will help in the conversation dept. My H told me that was one thing he liked about the OW was she was easy to talk to that crushed me.

I feel like a broken person ever since his A. each day I do a little better like you I seem to want to talk about it I don't know why but it is suggested in the book not to bring it up while in recovery so I am going to try my hardest if I need to talk about how I am feeling I am going to come here and post. If I need to cry I try to go into the bedroom and cry my eyes out and them come back to the other room. My heart aches for you but I can truely say I know just how you feel visit me again on my thread and I will keep checking in on you.

I don't know if you know this but I read your first post about not knowing if you were doing it right and the response of the other writer about your name made me LOL and I needed that, that day so thanks!!! you helped me that day without even knowing it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I use vomit because all of this makes me sick. I can't stand it. We went out with some friends last night it was ok. We went to the first bar alone and it was funny because the first person I saw when we walked in was my counselar. He said who was that and I told him and he almost croaked. He said should I go up to her and say I am the ******* that did this all too her. I said go ahead but he never did. Got rid of the kids for the night and had a good time when we got home. Not feeling too good this morning though. We are going on a trip just the two of us on the 18th and I am very nervous about it. I know he keeps telling me there are no guarentees in life. But i want to have one and I know right now I can't have that. I just hope we don't go and stare at each other the whole time. We will be gone for 4 days. I wish I was more like the OW but at times I wonder why I put myself through so much knowing I never will be like her and do I really want that. The hard part for me is that he truly does care for her and I hope those feelings will deminish. She and he felt that they could still be friends because that is what most of the affair was just getting together and bull****ting about anything. I was crushed but now he does knnow that can't happen but is it I will never know that part is hard. How do you know it is over when you didn't know it was going on in the first place. Will I ever trust again and will I have to or will be separate. Now is the beginning of the trying but how long do you try I would forever but I don't know if he will. He is my strength but lately I haven't felt the strength from him and how to get it all back I don't know. One day at a time. take care talk to you soon

Vomit, I understand why you picked your name I feel the same way it just makes you sick. Is your H still involved with the OW? If not like Harley says it takes three weeks or so they go through withdraw just like and addict getting off his drug. After reading SAA my H's behavior that first month or so after I found out makes sence to me now. I know it is hard to go away with them at first I still have a hard time doing anything that is away from home. I think for me, I wonder did they do this together did he hold her hand while they walked like he does mine and so on. In my case they were only together for three days and not all that time was spent together after all he flew to her state and she was M so she could not just be gone day and night or her H would have known something was up. When I think about it in a way I was lucky because most of thier contact was through the net or phone not in person but what hurts is knowing he took the time to go meet her and he knew when he left they were not just going to be shaking hands. He tries to tell me he did not plan to have sex with her I say yea right do you think I was born yesterday. He says it just happened I say sex does not just happen and he had the power to say no at any moment and chose to go through with it so quit trying to hand me a bunch of bull. I made a promise to him last night not to bring up the A to him anymore that is going to be really hard for me so I may be posting alot to get my frustrations out and off my chest.All I can say is everyday is just a little easier soon I hope I won't feel any pain at all.Take care talk to you soon.

Wow, we are all so much alike!!

I did try the al-anon thing, but I was very uncomfortable.

H and I are also going away together next week. We're going to Florida. We'll be in the car together for two days there and two days back. That should be interesting to say the least!!

I have finally come to the point that I no longer want to know any more details about "her" or about what they did together. It makes me too sick to my stomach!! The point is, they did it and he can't take it back now. The questions going through my mind now are the why's and how's of it all, as in "How could he??" and "Why was he willing to risk losing me???"

I guess since he thought I was having an affair on him, then losing me wouldn't mean too much. If he would have just asked me, or even accused me, instead of going out and having an affair himself!! Guys are so stupid, and so....MALE!!!

Hi girls it was nice to hear from both of you!! I was at my daughters softball practice yesterday and a woman told me that the OW propostiioned her husband also. So of course I thought I should tell my husband. Which I did. He didn't think he was with her at that time. Sounded good huh!! Whatever I said it just showes you the kind of person she is he said no it just shows you she wasn't happy in her marriage. Well at lunch time i figured he was with her because he didn't answer his cell phone and i know that is when contacts started at first. He said to me once that he know he could go on with out having a sexual affair but they could always be friends. Again a big whatever. Tonight after work I was very cold. My daughter had a gAme and I didn't say much to him. HE knows I figured they were together. I won't ask because even if he was do you think he would tell me??? NO WAY It is really nice to get this off my chest talk to you both soon!!!

Vomit, the name of the book is surviving an affair and you can order it off this web site. It is difficult at first because there are truths there that you must face but the end result is Harley helps hundreds of couples build a better marraige and survive the affair. My H told me that he was going to read it when I was done I will probably finish it tonight I hope he will read it I asked him if he was ready because it ment he was going to have to do some work too and he said yes so we will see. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Vomit ~ Even though my H has had no contact with OW for over a year (she actually moved away...we have no idea where she went...good riddance!), I still made him change his cell phone number!! The thought of this "slut" out there still having his number is too much!!