well, he will never admit and I want to find out "everything"

he doesn't go out in evening hours... so i suspect it's a co-worker (during working hours he can go in and out of his (big) company any time he wants!)

no way to engage PI (would be all day job - too expensive)

I'd like to hear your experience if it was the same case
(Thanks!)

or - any smart thoughts please?

My husband is/was (I never know from day to day with him) having an affair with his office clerk. She is older than him, so experienced, so much more mature, and I have said, so much more "around the block". Anyway....

When my H left and I was completely and utterly devastated, I would call his office just to talk to him to find out WHY????? I would speak to his clerk and ask her to find out for me, since they are friends (I was never jealous of any of his working relationships). I never, ever once suspected. Then, I started to become suspicious when she was not telling me things to patch up our relationship, but rather, things that would "pull us further apart", i.e., sue him for the most child support you can get, let go of the loser, men are all cut from the same defective cloth, etc., etc. I sorta listened to her half-heartedly because she was a betrayed spouse. She was also throwing out names of other co-workers and his ex-wife. Then, when he started working late, she wouldn't put me thru, but more importantly, wouldn't put our 9-year old daughter's call thru, I recognized the signs.

I found out after they were both downsized form their company, although I suspected long before. I decided on a Monday morning to take a floating holiday. H was not enthused about the idea since he had "other plans" for the day. I took two hang up phone calls that morning. Then he called her while I was in the yard. I overheard him telling her that I kept answering the phone before he could get it, then "I love you" before he hung up. He tried to tell me he had been talking to the HR dept at his old company about his benefits! It hurts so badly to hear the man you love tell another woman "I love you."

If yours has contact only at the office, I don't know how you can get any facts to work with...

After repeated D-days (see my profile) <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> , I can really sympathize with the pain of not being able to know for sure what the truth is. My heart goes out to you.

My FWH's affair was with a co-worker. Suddenly he was staying later than usual. You can find out a lot by hanging out in the parking lot, as most A's don't occur strictly in the work building.

Try getting a car that he would not recognize (tinted windows would give you a comfort zone that you'd need) and park near his vehicle when he typically would leave work. Usually, if they are involved, they like to spend time together before going home, so you may see them walking out together and getting in one of the vehicles, usually parked near each other.

I'd advise bringing someone you trust. Suspecting and seeing are two different creatures. You could have a physical reaction that would prevent you from driving, or could have you doing something out of character (car being used as a weapon, etc). Only bring someone you can really trust--if your suspicions are confirmed and there is an affair, your recovery can be affected by the people who have been made aware of your problems.

If you discover there is an affair, the details will come out after you confront your H. It is different for everybody. Confront the worst case scenario in your mind first. Pay special attention to how you think you will react. Define your boundaries--what you will say, what you will accept, etc. This is what got me through the actual discovery.

My best hopes are with you.
Jenny

My hubby is military and was put into a job position that he intensely disliked. I had been depressed for months (which wasn't fair to him or our children, I admit) and hadn't been in the best shape of my life. Well, with the war going on, he had to spend LONG amounts of time @ work. The OW would go out on smoke breaks with him. She would also tell him how great he was @ his job, how nice he was, how she was divorced (@ 22 yrs old, no less) and how she couldn't have kids, but she really wanted them, etc. Well, since his job was so important, I never contacted him @ work for anything (I would have if it was something critical, but not just to say hi), so during his lunch break, this girl invited him to her room to drop off a cd of his music (he's a musician, and you can't have media like that where he works). Of course, when he got there, she was just so nice and flattering him that he couldn't help himself. His wife at home was depressed and just living in a shell of herself. Then there was this girl (who was 12 when we got married!) telling him how great he was and she was more than willing to please him. How could he say no? She's half hawaiian, so I am sure she wasn't unattractive. How could he POSSIBLY say no??

After his confession (about a month ago now, the A happened tues, weds, and thurs, he confessed by fri), he promised to call her and tell him he was finished and to please not come over to his new office. He did so, but she stopped by, he kissed her and told her how bad he felt about everything. Meanwhile, she assures him their relationship is ok. He comes home that night on the verge of being suicidal (which, of course, _I_ get that lovely part! He couldn't leave the UGLY crap with the stupid OW! I have to get ALL of it along with the hurt of him being a deceitful JERK).

Anyways, she has since gone back to her home base, so she is gone. But as you all know, the effects of her presence still linger. I'm still in the phase where I'd like to beat her down and try to make her understand what she's done to me. All she got was a fun, good time with MY husband. I am the one who gets to deal with his miserable crap from the guilt of it all. I am the one who had to sit and listen to him tell me how "confused" and how he wanted us both, even tho _I_ had given my whole life to him and our children for the last 10 years!!! I stayed @ home and supported him through his own depressions, a bout with agoraphobia, etc.

I think part of what makes me so angry about affairs is that the BS gets NOTHING good from it! It's unjust, unfair, painful, and it just SUCKS. Yet, we have to go one and find that happy place again. We have to feel our way through these endless thoughts of bad feelings and just HOPE that there's a happy place in the end. It's just unfair. At no point in my life, even when it was readily available, have I ever not been completely dedicated to my husband and it crushes me that he was not strong enough in his feelings of himself or his feelings about me to do the same in return. Maybe I withdrew from the "Love Bank" too much and just didn't realize it. Who knows?

Erg! Having a bad day. Hopefully tomorrow is better!!