WHERE DO I BEGIN?....My H and I have been married for 6 years in August. We share 2 daughters together ages 4 and (soon to be) 2. We were both married quite young. I was 17 and he was 22. We were on our way to becoming new parents and decided to make the decision to become committed to our soon-to-be family & ourselves and prove young love can last. I always believed that also, until I recently figured out that a month of not sleeping next to each other, excuses about his muscle relaxers making it unable to perform in bed, and his careless out bursts and storm off's were because of his guilt dealing with the A he had on me back in February!! Long story but here goes...
H & I come from a difficult background. We both have anger problems due to childhood abuse & we don't have any patience. It is very hard for us both to communicate without yelling and someone(usually him..) storming off and letting things go. At times our fights have even become more then just yelling. Something I'm not proud of but I realize it is not a good habit. (I watched my parents do just the same.) And up until Saturday May 24th, I figured we would always find a way to work things out and always be together. I was very mistaken. The last time he was angry and shoved me was back in February. I was asking him to open up to me and explaining to him that I feel lonely. He got angry and threw a whole pot of chicken and dumpklins all over the kitchen. It made me so angry I yelled at him and he flipped my tv and proceeded to trash our new home. My 17 yr. old brother decided to intervien after he broke the dinningroom table and needless to say..(b/c of the anger and abuse my little bro experienced also...he took it into his own hands to proceed to throw his brother-in-law out the door)they started fighting. I could not break them apart. My brother pretty much hurt him and he went out the door steeming in anger...I felt so disapointed in the both of them. I guess later that night H met up with a girl he knew threw some close friends of ours and ended up having the A that night. He claims he did it out of anger and he felt he wasn't wanted. Two days later he was back in the house and making love to me again. I feel like such the fool. He did this back in February..and for almost 4 complete months of pushing me away further and further I figured out it was because of his own doing. I know I never helped it any, see he stays home with the kids while I pull the 8-5:00 at a local office and Sat and Sunday nights at a laundry matt. He has never been able to hold down a job more then 8 months since we've been together. He knows that no matter what I will always be there as the sole bread winner. He has a lower back injury due to last years work experience and therefore has physical therapy and other therapy related things he goes to. He takes a lot of medication b/c of it and seldomly runs out 2 or maybe even 3 weeks before his next scrip. He is so testy when he doesn't have his medication. I don't even think his friends know where they stand during that time let alone his family. I'm not sure if it really is because of the swollen discs in his lower back or if he is dependant. Like I said, we can't communicate. Never-the-less...I'm feeling sooo betrayed! I am so angry, so hurt. I would have never considered scooping as low as he did as to seek revenge from anger by breaking up our family like this. Now he watches the kids all day while I'm working, I avoid lunch hours at home. We talked somewhat but I can't really say how I'm feeling about him anymore b/c it has changed from one minute to the next. I'm humiliated living where I do. The girl he slept with seldomly visits right next door to me..she lives right catty corner across the street from me and she can look right out her apartment window and watch us on our front porch..she see's when I come home and when I leave..she know's if he stays or if he doesn't. It drives me SOO crazy!! He isn't staying with me right now. Everynight I let him use my car to drive over to our good friend's house where she loans him her couch while she works 2nd shift. I don't know what to think. He doesn't seem to want to talk things out or anything. I have read and read ideas on how to approach my feelings and try to get past this but it is too hard. I don't know if I want to make it work with him or just let him go. This is the icing on the cake as far as I'm concerned. The fighting, the physical fights, all the things that I've been through with him...And what about my needs? He is never meeting my needs. I am trying too much to always make sure he's okay that I constantly feel like I'm walking on egg shells. He seems more then happy to be leaving and staying away from the house. He says he needs time for himself. He hasn't really been reassuring or supportive as far as justifing his actions and letting me know what seems to be important to him. I think the first day we talked after I found out (and he stayed away for 3 days) he cried his eyes out and realized that I was very hurt. He felt that it was completely over. Now, b/c I'm doing my best to put my feelings aside and be friendly and comforting..he must think that he can just do and act how he wants b/c I'll be there no matter what. I feel like I'm just there to support the family and releave him from the kids after a stressful day. He doesn't even bother to strike up a converstation with me. I don't know if it was better when he was gone or if it is better seeing him. There is so much I want to say to him. I don't know if he really deserves to hear them all anyways..but if I'm going to consider figuring out whether he's committed to changing and wants to go the extra step to save our marriage or if he is still seeing this W and is playing me even still. I am so confused. I really need some advise. I can put on a good act and play strong in front of my children, friends, family and even him, but inside I'm dying...

There are a lot of issues here, and the A is only one of them. The abuse has to stop, on both your parts. You are teaching your children the same bad habits you learned from your parents. In my very humble personal opinion, you need to learn how to have a good marriage, (hey, I didn't kow either until I started reading Dr. harley's stuff) and this site is a good place to start. The path to recovery from an A as describbed by Dr. Harley is really a path to a great marriage. Click on the link in my signature line below to find out mare about it.

You are so right. I know that we have had other issues. Luckily we have never fought like that around our children. Luckily, they don't know what is really going on. I'm am fortunate that even though they can feel and somehow possibly know that their parents aren't together (like they used to be) they still feel loved & know that they have a family. That is the most important to me. I know I need to work on a lot of things but mainly I have focused on making sure we still do things together as a family and carry on as if nothing has changed. It has also helped this healing process I am going through. To see the smiles on their faces and to know that they think everything is okay, not only makes me feel like I'm doing a good thing..but I can somehow live a little through their happiness. (which I hadn't gained much of being the sergeant mother to my 3 younger siblings growing up..) To feel like a kid again..through my children. Nothing is more precious to me then to make them feel like they are...innocent blessings from god. Appreciate your opinion.

Clarity, Hello and welcome to MB. I am 42yrs old and I have been married to the same man since I was 16yrs old. In the early years I went through the emotional and physical abuse that you spoke of.

As I reflect back on my life I have learned many lessons.I like you, wanted my marraige to work because I was so young and wanted to prove to the world that I could make it work. Do not stay in a relationship for this reason alone you do not need to prove to anyone that you can stay married especially if you are being abused.If I knew then what I know now I would have never allowed the abuse to continue no matter what.He may have physical problems or dependancy problems but they are no reason to abuse. You have the power to stop the cycle.

Ask yourself do I love my husband(look deep inside yourself imagine your life with him not in it) and what would I do to save my marriage? I always knew that I was in love with my H there for staying with him was easy however seperation does not mean the marraige is over we went through several times of seperation, sometimes seperation can build a stronger relationship.

My H has a hard time communicating to me also so what we began to do was to leave each other notes,letters and e-mails.He could tell me his deepest feelings with out worry of me confonting him in any negitive way, after a while I looked forward to the letters I would suggest trying this. I have been reading surviving an affair and to my surprise many of the things that we did right after he confessed his A are all suggestions for marraige recovery. It has been six months tomorrow since my H told me of the A my pain is still very real imagine after 25yrs of marriage your H drops that bombshell.I have been through many pains in my life none compare to this and at times I wonder is it worth it I believe in the end the answer is yes.

You are young and have the chance to build a great marraige, if your family is worth it to you don't let the chance pass you by. Recovery will start with you and it doesn't seem fair but if there is hope for your marraige and a strong family I vote you do what it takes. Remember how ever, even small children are aware of more than we think do what ever it takes to remove yourself from any situation where there is potential of abuse. Good luck to you and I will check in from time to time to see what is happing in your situation. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

WOW, thank you so much for your insight. It really helps hearing from people, someone sincere and understanding most. I'm not in here posting my personal heartfelt tears, worries and pain to get someone's opionion that just wants to take out some frustrations and feels it's easier on someone they don't even know.
I couldn't imagion 25 years with my H and then to find out...Ahh! It is so good to hear you are healing and still with your H. Working on rebuilding your marriage. I've always felt that a marriage was a precious gift from god. Something sacred & beautiful (even through the tough times..) but with this A, I have a whole new perspective. I have read "Men are from Mars, Woman are from Venus" and they suggested "love letters". I am great about writting my feelings and leaving letters for him but he has never been willing to do the same. He says he doesn't know how to express them the way I do and that he is worried about his spelling. I have reassured him that his best will be enough and just the thought alone, that he took the time..would really really help me feel like i'm really wanted and that he truly cares. It is so hard to love someone when you don't even know where you stand and whether he loves you back. Right now I don't believe I will be getting much from him. I believe he wants this marriage and he wants to fix what has been broken BUT, he is too scared of failure. He has a horrible self esteem and regardless of how I TRY to reassure him in everyway I've read or know how..he still feels horrible for what he did. He feels like he has gotten no where in his life so far and is extremely dissapointed in where our family and life has gone so far. I keep telling him a new day..a new start..forgive..try to forget...except our difficulties and move on. I know it is not that easy...(trust me!) but..what do I have to loose? Actually, a lot! This is a very hard thing and sometimes I ask myself also.."Is is really worth it"?. I'm still very much in love with him and when things are good they are great I just wish I could find a better way to meet his needs as a man. I think if i could build him up and have him realize how important he is, he'll feel wanted, desired, needed...he'll feel more like I really love him. I don't know? Take care and thanks again gingersnap. God bless you and your marriage/family. I'll look forward to hearing from you another time.

Hi Clarity, glad to see you are reading and posting it sure helps. I know what you mean about being able to talk to people who care, when you are going through things like this it is important to protect yourself and not let information out to just anyone you never know what they will do with that info. I dont talk to any one about what I am dealing with because I don't trust that they would protect me in this difficult time I am always afraid of it coming back and kicking me in the rearend. If there is someone you can trust fully that is grate other wise make sure you keep posting it sure helps to be able to get feelings off your chest. As for your H, why not try working on just one thing at a time pick something let him know this is what I would like to work on right now and focus just on that. It might not seem so overwhelming to him that way and if he feels sucsessful at that the next thing will be that much easier. I don't know but give it a try. Keep in touch.

We all want people to express love the way that we understnd it best. Harley elaborates on this topic whenever he talks about emotional needs. Gary Chapman has witten a book on the subject called "The Five Love Languages". I actually like Harley's approach a little better for couples, but reading both, together, may help you develope some insight into each other that will help you communicate better.