I am still married but moved out of my home last year to take a full time job in a nearby city. kAll children are grown and doing well. My husband and I share much intellectually and ethically. But he was just short of impossible to live with. Temper, ultra controlling. So I have many debits in my "love bank". I have recently started an affair with a married man. Sonmething I thought I would never do, being something just short of a feminist. However, his wife has refused sex for over 5 years, since the last of their two children. They have been to many counselors, 6, actually. They have an active suburban life but no emotional or physical intimacy. I have been holding back for many years. We have a wonderful relationship. I've never felt anything like it. We talk every day by phone or on the net, and see each other once or twice a week. Neither of us wants at this point to end our marriages. My husband is hoping that we will retire together when he retires in 5 years or so. We see each other on weekends and talk several times a week. I'm not sure this is the right forum for me. I probably should go to a therapist and discuss all these issues. Is there anyone out there who resonates to any part of what I am dealing with? I am mostly happy but I feel strange and alone.

This is a MARRIAGE BUILDERS board for people who have been betrayed or betrayed and WANT to save their marriages, so unless you also want to save your marriage, I have to agree that you may be better served going somewhere else.

Probably the last person that should write a response since many of the chat memebers remain angry/frustrated with me including the person that counts the most, my wife.

I too moved away for 8 months to a city far away because I thought that it had promise and that I would do really well at the position. For the first four months, I was by myself, no friends and spending all of my time at work.

Then the affair happened.

Then as quickly and inmaturely as the affair started, it ended. And so did my job.

For the past 2 1/2 months, living my life with my wife has been torture. She knew about the affair weeks before it ended.

The torture/repercussions and the pieces that are broken are not worth the affair!!!!

I live with the haunting memory and the job of putting things back together again.

THE AFFAIR WAS NOT WORTH THE PAIN!!

My wife had an affair because she felt that I was not happy and was only interested in sex. She had the affair with a man who she barely knew, cared nothing about her, and was only interested in sex. Go figure that one out.

Have you even taken the first step of letting your husband know that you are unhappy with his behavior? I know that in my situation I was not a mindreader and did not know about my wife's affair until after she infected me with HSV. You cannot justify your affair by saying that your husband is controlling and difficult to live with, especially if you have not asked him to seek MC or IC.

As I mentioned before, I found out about my wife's affair when I became infected with HSV. You are placing your husband at risk for the same, even if you are using condoms. If this man will sleep with you who's to say that he will not also sleep with others if given the opportunity?

In short, do the right thing. Quit the OM permanently, he is married after all! Tell your husband about your affair and deal with the consequences. If he is willing to work on rebuilding your marriage seek help through a MC.

First off, you need to be honest with your H. He has every right to know about your affair, since his emotions and health are put on the line. If you want another man, do the right thing, and end your marriage FIRST!! Affairs affect amny people, NOT just you, the OM and spouses. Children, whether grown or not are affected. No matter how bad the situation is at home, deal with it in an honorable fashion. If the H is abusive, then either seek counseling, for him and you two as a couple, or END the marriage and pursue whatever it is your seeking. But remeber, the OM is cheater as well, and will probably end up cheating again.... Read what Dr. Harley wrote about affairs and the end results. Your OM will more than likely be just as bad as your H- maybe not in the same manners, but you will not be happy with him either eventually. Do the RIGHT thing......

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">However, his wife has refused sex for over 5 years, since the last of their two children. They have been to many counselors, 6, actually. They have an active suburban life but no emotional or physical intimacy. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">sandlist,

Has anyone ever told you that a man who is having an affair just MIGHT lie or exaggerate about his home life? I know every person involved in an affair believes that their partner is "different" and wouldn't do something like that. But take a good look at the other posts, particularly by the FWS's, and you'll see that the similarities are amazing sometimes. Hell, my H is normally a wonderful man, but he managed to have A's with at least 3 women who truly believed him to be divorced. Neither I nor these OW would have believed him capable of such a thing.

Dobie

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by sandist:
<strong>
was just short of impossible to live with. Temper, ultra controlling. So I have many debits in my "love bank"... However, his wife has refused sex for over 5 years, since the last of their two children. They have been to many counselors, 6, actually.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, in a sense, both you and this other guy have the same problem. You're both unhappy in your marriages, and instead of working that out, you've looked for something outside the marriage to make you feel better.

He says he's seen six therapists. Maybe he has; maybe he hasn't. Be a bit skeptical -- you're only getting one side of the story.

But how about you and your husband? Have you ever told him you're not happy with his temper and controlling behavior? Is it fair to begrudge someone aspects of their personality when you've never bothered to ask them to change?

<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
I have been holding back for many years. We have a wonderful relationship. I've never felt anything like it. We talk every day by phone or on the net, and see each other once or twice a week.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">In a way, it's good that you're feeling these things. It gives you something to aim for. Unfortunately, you're not feeling that with your husband. The task at hand is to find a way you two can feel that for each other (and that your lover and his wife can feel it for each other, too).

<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
Neither of us wants at this point to end our marriages. My husband is hoping that we will retire together when he retires in 5 years or so.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Look, if that is your goal, end this affair today. It will only get in the way of what you want with your husband. In fact, you're putting that future in very serious jeopardy right now.

You seem quite clear on what your husband wants and what your other man wants. What is it you want for your own future?

Sandist,

My husband and I share much intellectually and ethically. But he was just short of impossible to live with. Temper, ultra controlling. So I have many debits in my "love bank". I have recently started an affair with a married man.

If your husband has anger control issues and you are in danger when around him then leave him. But I don’t think this is the case as you are talking about retiring with him. So you are obviously not afraid of him. “Love bank” debts are not an excuse for an affair. People do not have affairs because their “love bank” is over drawn and/or their emotional needs are not being met. They have an affair because they have failed to protect their vulnerabilities and because they are being selfish, not caring who they are hurting.

Now that you’ve told us his faults, what are yours? What you done to contribute to the abysmal state of your marriage? It takes two…

The first thing you need to realize is that your affair has nothing to do with neither your husband nor the state of your marriage. It’s all about you and where you are in life… you are in a place where you are running away from your problems and self medicating with the high of an affair.

I’ve been married before. My previous husband cheated on me. My new husband (married 3 years yesterday) cheated on me throughout our engagement and in the first 9 months of our marriage. We have rebuilt our marriage from scratch using the MB concepts. I can tell you from experience there is no validity to the argument that what your husband does not know will not hurt him. He knows already.. BS (betrayed spouse) are always aware that there is a problem. It’s like living a life in a haunted house in which you and feel the poltergeist all around you, you know they are hurting you, but you cannot see them to fight them off. You are hurting your husband beyond anything you can imagine. And there is no turning back… it’s already done. The only choices you have now are…

1. Continue hurting him.. and now it’s very purposeful that you are hurting him because now you are aware.

2. End your affair NOW, move back to live with your husband, help him heal and heal your marriage.

Look good people can do bad things.. but when a good person continues to do the wrong thing they start to become the evil they live.

“ his wife has refused sex for over 5 years, since the last of their two children. “

Do you know that most people lie to their OP (other person) when they are having an affair. This helps justify the affair alleviating the guilt of both the OP (other person) and the WS (wayward spouse).

In my previous marriage my husband refused sex for the last 7 years of our marriage.. because I had more faults then the California coast line according to him. Couldn’t keep the house clean, raise our son, cook 3 meals and snacks a day and work the 16 hours a day I was working to put him through medical school… oh horrible flawed me.

I am posting her under a new name as I may have lost my anonymity here to a person who is trying to do great harm to my family and me. I’ve been on MB under another name since 2001, have made well over 4000 posts here. That means that I’ve probably read 10 times that.. Stories of people who are affected by affairs.

One of the many things I’ve learned is that if you are not in bed with the MM (married man) and his wife (the BS – betrayed spouse) then you have no idea if they have sex every night or not. The reason he gave you is a classic excuse.

And if it is true that she has refused him sex, there may actually be a reason for it. Or if he is in the right, then he should leave his marriage honorably before taking other women to bed. There is no excuse for having an affair.

That he and you are sharing secrets of your marital lives with each other is horrible.. can you image if you husband were to tell others about what you are like in bed? All of your faults? Presented you in the worst way possible. Sit for a while, pretend that you are your husband and envision him having that conversation with another woman while they are both naked in bed together. Now envision them having wild, passionate love after he is done trashing you. There, feels good??? Or does it? Share those intimacies (not the physical ones) is one of the worst things that happen in an affair.

My husband is hoping that we will retire together when he retires in 5 years or so. We see each other on weekends and talk several times a week.

Are you aware of affair statistics? Only 3% of all affairs last for more then 2 years. Most last only 6 months. Most (98%) marriages survive affairs and go on to be better then they were before. 45%-50% of all men and women cheat with about 60% of all marriage experiencing affairs. Yea I know, the number are give and take a few percentage points. But the real point is that the days of your affair are numbered. You are both using each other to get some emotional needs met so that you do not have to deal with your marriage.. you are both avoiders at this point.

Do your husband a favor, he has the right to know that he is married to a woman who does not respect or cherish him. He has the right to know that his life is being torn apart. Just tell him so he can get on with his life. If you continue your affair it is the only kind and moral thing you can do.

Usually a spouse finds out about the affair, so brace yourself for the fall out of that day. Tell your husband of your affair. And give the MM a couple of days to tell his wife, if he does not then you need to tell her. You’ve done her so much harm. It is the least you can do.

I'm not sure this is the right forum for me. I probably should go to a therapist and discuss all these issues. Is there anyone out there who resonates to any part of what I am dealing with? I am mostly happy but I feel strange and alone.

Please read the material on this web site. The purpose, the sole purpose, of this web site is to build marriages using the MB concepts. You will find no one here, except for the OP (other persons) who are proud to be having affairs, who will tell you anything but to end your affair. Then deal with your marriage….make it work or end it.

If you want to continue your affair, then no this is not the site for you. Try www.gloryb.com. That’s one of the many sites frequented by people who are proud to be having affairs. There are also philandering sites that will teach a person how to sneak around, hide, lie, etc. They help each other find justification for what they are doing.
But if you want to get your life back on track, end your affair. Then you and your husband can get tons of help here.

Just my humble opinion.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by sandist:
<strong>I am still married but moved out of my home last year to take a full time job in a nearby city. kAll children are grown and doing well. My husband and I share much intellectually and ethically. But he was just short of impossible to live with. Temper, ultra controlling. So I have many debits in my "love bank". I have recently started an affair with a married man. Sonmething I thought I would never do, being something just short of a feminist. However, his wife has refused sex for over 5 years, since the last of their two children. They have been to many counselors, 6, actually. They have an active suburban life but no emotional or physical intimacy. I have been holding back for many years. We have a wonderful relationship. I've never felt anything like it. We talk every day by phone or on the net, and see each other once or twice a week. Neither of us wants at this point to end our marriages. My husband is hoping that we will retire together when he retires in 5 years or so. We see each other on weekends and talk several times a week. I'm not sure this is the right forum for me. I probably should go to a therapist and discuss all these issues. Is there anyone out there who resonates to any part of what I am dealing with? I am mostly happy but I feel strange and alone.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I resonate completely with what you are saying. I was once long ago the one who had the affair too. I can tell you from experience that doing this will cause nothing but pain and heartache for everyone involved. If you'd like to read more of my thoughts on what I went through, read
here.

My thoughts are with you, I know how difficult this is for you. When you are ready to end it I would be happy to help you through that process.

C

Thanks to all of you. I have much to think about.